True North (for AVEN book, VERY LONG!! read at own risk)

[Green Eyes]

Here's my essay I mentioned in the open mic section. It's rather long, so don't say I didn't warn you

True North

My story may be considered a semi-cinderella story, or it may be normal, or it may be completely and utterly irrelevant. That is for each reader to decide. All I can hope for is that at least one person is affected by it, whether a solitary tear, a laugh, a piece of inspiration, or something I cannot yet foresee. Nonetheless, I feel like it must be told.

As a child, when girls are usually out imagining and planning their weddings, I was far from that. I was either playing sports or getting into trouble by being reckless like climbing trees or riding with no hands. Yes, I was a tomboy. I went to school dances, and I even actually had a boyfriend, if you could call it that. We didn’t go on any dates or make time to see each other in the halls. We just hung out at dances; it really didn’t amount to much. Unlike most of the girls in my class, getting a boyfriend was not of the highest importance to me. It was finding some one to hang out and build a strong friendship with. For that reason, a lot of my friends were guys who were just as active, and some younger kids who shared my same interests. And this was just the beginning.

Of course, high school brought the assumption that everyone had been exposed to “the talk,” either in school, at home, or by friends. The last of which could be reliable, or it could not be. Like any freshman, I giggled or acted aloof when someone made sexual comments or talked about things along that line. I eventually found my group of friends just laughed – albeit until our sides split – at phrases with double meanings. As I went along, I found my opinion about sex was that it was serious, though everyone can have their own view. From the stories and pictures (and my own imagination), I concluded sex wasn’t really a goal of mine, that I could go my whole life without it and be comfortable. I had actually told my mom that if there ever is such a thing, I was a non-sexual. Her response was simply, “Oh honey, you don’t want to go around saying that.” Little did I know I was right.

Around my sophmore year (give or take some months), I met a friend of a friend and for some reason, felt really uncomfortable around her. I must say first that it wasn’t a bad uncomfortable. I am a very accepting person and have a wide variety of friends from all types backgrounds. It was just different. I found it hard to keep eye contact with her on my part, to face her. I must have seemed a bit odd to her, but I wasn’t the type to change just to impress people. We saw each other sometimes at my friend’s house, and I always left smiling for some reason; I had genuine fun and good memories to carry with me.

At this time, I was also debating my sexual orientation. I had begun to think I was bisexual and accepted it myself, but I never came out. I never really looked at the semantics, so I didn’t know any better. I liked two female friends of mine, and to the point where I imagined us as a couple. However, neither of these dreams involved sex. I found myself yearning merely to hold them and be a source of support and comfort. I wanted nothing else in the world. These eventually faded away since I began to see less and less of them, though I still remain close friends with one of them today. In all this time, I consider myself a coward for not telling them. I had my own set of morals, which can basically be summed up in “Tell the truth, live with all you’ve got, and make it so you have no regrets.” I hated not living up to them.

By all means, I should have told them, but I held back for fear of losing that friendship and the fact that others wouldn’t understand me. Not that they would shun me because I was bisexual, but they would only see that label and not that I kept sex completely out of the picture. My relationship with this new friend started to develop into that as the months went by. She made me want to be a better person, and the fact that we still kept in frequent contact made my heart soar. She was 3 years younger than me, a fact that seemed to have little effect when I was around her. She acted just as immature and mature as all my other friends, so many times I actually forgot the age difference.

College brought that reality to the front, but yet we still talked online and emailed each other. We came up with our own inside jokes that sent us laughing for hours on end. We became very close friends, sometimes staying up for hours talking, whether face to face or over Instant Messenger. Our conversation could involve anything from teachers to friends to movies or whatever, and remembering these always put smiles on my face that felt like they sank deep into my core. Being so distant physically was hard, but pictures and images in my head kept me going day to day. I realized during the winter of my freshman year that I had fallen for her, and hard. And still, it was the same as before: I dreamed of nothing else but holding her. “Sleeping with her” only involved being fully clothed and soothed to sleep by the rhythm of her breathing – again, void of sex.

I said nothing and continued as her friend. When we got together with friends over the summer during the weekends, we would relax by using each other as pillows. Sometimes we would sit on each other’s laps (the group, not just solely her and I) in a purely friendly manner. Granted, we made jokes, and the only physical contact that really made me uncomfortable was when it would be sexual in a joke. Those types of jokes were just something I wasn’t good at joining. One week long trip let me see her in many different lights – messed up hair, dirty, no make-up, short-tempered – but I loved her all the same. One night, the group of us stayed up late for one of our usual talks, including the future, and my heart was crushed when she mentioned she wanted eventually to get married and have kids. Up until now, I had always thought I might have a chance with her; last thing I wanted was to make her doubt my intentions. I saw I had to start accepting that she might be straight.

Now, for almost a year and a half, she has been my inspiration, my direction, my True North, for everything I do, from schoolwork to sports to whatever I do in my spare time. I cherish all the time I get to see and talk to her since it happens sparingly with her getting ready for college in the next two years. We still manage to catch a movie or dinner and laugh about memories and stories from our lives. There is a possibility in my mind that she could share the exact same feelings as I do, or she could just see this as close friendship and is really straight. My imagination has me believing both have an equal chance. I began to see that I would not mind letting her hold me either; in all of my past loves, I only wanted to be the strong and indestructible pillar. In the case of my friend, a reversal of roles would be fine by me. No one has ever been able to make me tongue-tied, send a shiver through me, make my chest feel tight, or cause an undeterminable feeling in the pit of my stomach like her. That kind of connection, even if it’s only one way, is too hard for me to get over by myself.

Months ago, I made an important discovery that took the questionable bisexual orientation off my shoulders. Bisexual is a term for one who is sexually attracted to both sexes, but I am not sexually attracted to them. When I read this, I went out and celebrated with my favorite meal and abandoned homework for the rest of the evening. I didn’t know exactly what I was, but I wasn’t a bisexual. The only reason I feared that term was because of the views some of my family members had on it, and the fact that I was not strong enough to face all of society’s labels and stereotypes. Yes, I admit I am a coward in that respect, and it pains me that I would not be able to live up to my own standards in that case.

When I stumbled upon the AVEN site, I knew I was home. I found that being in love with someone and not wanting sex was not all that rare…and ultimately, that I was not alone. I found people who are attracted to the opposite sex yet not sexually, and those that fall in love with the same sex and still don’t want sex. It was this side of finding out my friend’s true feelings for a miracle. The non-sexual label I had come up with in my adolescence was nothing short of the truth. The questions being answered alone gave me confidence, and the feeling of being that much more complete was incredible. The people I talked to online (not at AVEN) were completely astounded at my feelings. I just told them I couldn’t explain it; there was something about being close and feeling someone in my arms that I love that gave me such a deep and close connection, much more than I would feel from sex. I know now that I am an asexual, and I am fine.

I still have not “come out” to anyone but those at AVEN. I know my friends and family too well to know that they will not be able to look past “loving someone of the same sex” and accept me as I am. I can’t describe the hurt. Telling someone I know is a big desire of mine, one that I’ve had to restrain myself from doing these past months. I’ve decided if one of them asks me my sexual orientation, I will tell them, or if they make reference to lesbian or bisexual, I will deny it as is the truth. I won’t be able to bring myself to tell them I’m head over heels for a breathtaking, beautiful, charming, hilarious angel. That is the one blemish on my soul, and I apologize for any I make ashamed to be asexual. May be one day I will get over that fear, or find some friend who I can trust that much.

I can’t tell you what shaped my views of sex, or why I reject the idea. Maybe it’s because so many people treat it with little respect nowadays. In hearing others talk, it has become simply lust, or the actual instances of making love as opposed to just sex are rare. Sure, some may say that sex does not have to be lust for me and that I can have my own views about it. Personally, the act of sex does not hold any credibility with me; I get much more out of a connection emotionally than that. Not that I am discrediting anyone who finds a connection with their partner in sex; let me have my views and I’ll do the same for you. When my friend asked my views on sex (before I had discovered my asexuality), I thought seriously about it and told her I hold it sacred; I would save myself until after I am married simply because I see it as a commitment and if someone is that committed to me to be my husband, then making love is something I can share with him. People can have whatever views they want, though some to me are just less honorable than others, like those that flaunt it.

It could be that I have never been that intimate with someone, let alone sexually. I consider the one instance in middle school of having a boyfriend as nothing since there was no emotional attachment at all. So in all my two decades of life, I have not had a significant other, though I still say my heart only goes to my friend. I’ve had maybe a handful of guys interested in me, but nothing came of any of them. I can recall a few guys that I was interested in, but either they had girlfriends, didn’t know I existed, or weren’t keen on taking our relationship further. Currently, I’m interested in a man I just met, but keeping my current luck in mind, I know too little about him to do anything about it. I’m sure my experience with a boyfriend or girlfriend is severely lacking.

I do not find being asexual hard to accept. With a society that puts sexual pressures and standards on teens and tweens (early 20’s, right?), someone that is willing to reject that for their own personal standards has my admiration. As I said before, I find close physical contact without sex much more intimate than sex: holding, snuggling, the like. Granted, a person can be beautiful naked, but I do not really find a tight butt or something similar attractive. I’ve most always gone for personality first, and if they take care of themselves, it’s just a bonus. Of course I appreciate beauty and my current love is gorgeous (in my eyes, at least), both inside and out. I find comfort in knowing there are still people out there who look for inner beauty first.

I’ve often been told I live in a fantasy world and if I keep such high standards, I’ll never fall in love. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not; I know I don’t have all the answers, but I also know no one else does, so who are they to judge my expectations of love? The way I look at it is that it’s impossible to have 6 billion people on this planet and not one of them be a match for me. The odds of finding that one person are slim, and I don’t know if they’ve actually sunk in, or if they ever will. I do know that if I find that one person, nothing else will compare to that feeling of completeness. As for my friend, the one whose arms I long to be in forever, the one who completes me, I keep my hopes up. I do not wish anymore that she loves me, since it would be her forced into loving me as opposed to her own free will. Instead, every time I see a shooting star, my only wish is to find out what she feels for me, and if it is not love as I feel it, the strength to get over this need I feel inside. I would rather have her as my close friend for life without her knowing how much I love her rather than being absent from my life entirely. I can’t imagine my life without her, and I hold back from telling her my feelings in the event that it would ruin our friendship. I know the day I find out the truth could be a sad and horrible day. Until then, I keep my hope and inspiration alive, knowing a smile and touch from her can give me strength to accomplish the impossible.

I guess I had a lot to say. I hope you've enjoyed reading as much as I liked writing.[/b]

[VivreEstEsperer]

GreenEyes, thanks for writing. I enjoyed reading it. So did you ever tell your friend how you felt about her?

By the way, the name of your essay is the name of my mom's workplace, took me by surprise for a minute :) I like the title, though.

Kate

[Green Eyes]

*sigh* No, I haven't. It's an internal debate every day whether I should. I know I couldn't tell her in anything but person, and with so much distance in between us, chances come few and far between. I might not see her again until summer, but I've got enough to go on. I can always dream :roll:

Of the few country songs I do like, one of them is "You" by Rascal Flatts. I'm convinced my friend is getting me hooked on them. The song as a whole is awesome, but the one verse in it that True North refers to is:

Every time I get lost in a temperamental mood

You still stay cool

Just when I think that this life's about to drive me insane

You take the reins

Every time I feel I'm drifting off course

You're my compass, you're my one true north

In a mixed up world

You make sense to me girl

While my friend's True North is someone she keeps searching for, mine is real. Just some more solace for myself, I guess.

[Jayann]

Well done, Green Eyes. Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading it, but I'm glad I did. I really do relate, and I'm glad you were able to write this. :)

I'ma get around to writing my own story up, hopefully soon. Though it may be pushed to the backburner as I'm a-heading back to uni this upcoming week.

[Gorax]

I finally read it. Yes, the whole thing. It was interesting!

[VivreEstEsperer]

*shock* someone mentioned Rascal Flatts. hehe. someone mentioned a country group, that rules.

I love I'm Moving On by Rascal Flatts, that's a great song. I hate their last single, "I Melt," though. Their new one, "Mayberry," is good. They're decent in my book, not the best not the worst. And by the way if you feel like being any more adventurous with country give Martina McBride a listen :)

I've never heard that actual RF song, though.

Kate

[Artemis]

That was really beautiful, Green Eyes

[Guest]

It was a good read, Green Eyes. I hope everything turns out well for you, you sound like you have a big heart. :D

[whirlygirl]

It was a good read, Green Eyes. I hope everything turns out well for you, you sound like you have a big heart. :D

AVEN has some lovely big hearts

[Live R Perfect]

Yay! I finally got around to reading this, and it was very interesting and touching, Green Eyes! Well done, and I hope things work out for you

[bard of aven]

Thanks, Green Eyes. Unrequited love is the worst, and you wear it well. It's not that you are not or will not be in love, or that you have never had a significant other: you do; it has the tragedy of being oneway, so far as can be told for now. Been there, had that done to me. Hopefully, soon you will find someone in your non-virtual life you can share these things with safely. Till then, you got us.

boa

[Green Eyes]

Glad people read it through. Hmm, big heart...I've been told that by a few people. One of the best compliments one could get :) It is a tragedy that she probably won't love me back. We had a situation come up this weekend that would take another novel to describe, but it made me come to terms with reality. I suppose if she ever expresses an interest, I will always be here to help. But for now, I'm working on getting back into just friendship, albeit a close one. Maybe it's just that I have to bide my time. I don't know. I'll be sure to keep coming back with any news along the way. And I wrote what I meant: AVEN did a lot for me, and I can't express that enough. Thank you!