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I really need help from someone smarter than me. And more emotionally developed. Maybe a couple people. Or a team.


Shunyaku

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Hi...

 

I'm not Ace, though I've been learning a lot about it lately, could even say I'm about AS CLOSE to ace as I could be without actually being so, I value sexual congress so little, and... well I'm having a struggle I never realized I would have.

Last year, I made some new friends; the best friends I have ever had in my thirty-five years of life. They... they mean the world to me. I would die for most of them.

And the absolute best friend of them all, the tip of the mountain, cream of the crop, and all those other sayings that mean they are the absolute pinnacle of value to me, is a woman about 1k miles away, and fortunately she calls me her best friend too. We are pretty much as close as two best friends in different regions can be, and she knows literally everything about me of any defining merit. Including the fact that i am absolutely, soul-crushingly, head over heels in love with her.

 

The problem... as you may have surmised by now, is SHE is aroace. At least that is what she says, and I am inclined to believe her. And I promise you, I am doing everything in my power to not hurt her, or make her uncomfortable or feel put out AT ALL due to my feelings. The last thing in the world I want is to do her harm. And that's why I'm here.

 

I have no idea what I'm asking for; whether that's how to keep my own emotions more in check, help her separate my romantic inclinations from the rest of the mess that is emotion (most specifically physical and sexual...) since I basically DON'T feel the more intense side to any noteworthy degree, how to be more lovable to her, how to outright fall out of myself entirely... or how to just survive this situation as best I can. What I do know, is that as I said, she means literally everything to me, and i would trade anything and everything just to keep her solidly in my world. As such... um...

What do I do? Like... at all?

Am I the piece of worthless human trash I feel like I am for falling for her, even while KNOWING her status? Am i just being a whiny little prick? Am... Am I somehow on the same harmful side as what the trans community calls chasers? I legitimately can't even tell if I deserve to be her friend, and it is horrifically depressing.

 

Honestly... I'm kinda scared.

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6 minutes ago, Shunyaku said:

Am I the piece of worthless human trash I feel like I am for falling for her, even while KNOWING her status?

I think we both know the answer to this -- I hope so, at least. But I'll say it anyway since you clearly need to hear it. No one is trash for having feelings of any sort. That's something completely out of your control, not a moral choice that you weighed and made. Emotions happen regardless of whether they're a good idea or not.

 

8 minutes ago, Shunyaku said:

I legitimately can't even tell if I deserve to be her friend

The fact that you are so concerned about her, her feelings, and her boundaries is indicating otherwise to me.

 

You're in a deeply painful situation that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I don't know that I have much practical advice I can offer, but I hope I can at least assuage your fears that you're a bad person. Unrequited love is excruciating, but it's a pretty common and natural part of life, and it doesn't make you any lesser of a person to be going through it. 💜

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I make no claims of being more emotionally developed or smarter, but I am a lot older - so I can look back on things in life.

 

There are many people who are wonderful and special - you will not meet just one, and if you somehow miss the opportunity, you will never find a wonderful person again.  

 

No one is worth trading everything, because "everything" includes your own happiness, and no wonderful person would want to be the cause of your unhappiness.

 

So spend time with people who make you happy - not ones who you feel *should* make you happy.

 

In this particular case, she is aroace.   You need to think carefully and be honest with yourself about whether you can be happy in a non-romantic relationship with her.   Only you can answer that.   If you can, then great, but if not,  you do not need to be close to her if the limits make you unhappy.

 

You will find other people who make you happy and who you can make happy

 

 

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Breathe. You’re not a horrible person for falling in love with someone, and it’s not somehow your fault for it happening. Learn what she’s comfortable with first and foremost, and then don’t overstep any boundaries. Just because someone feels about you a way that you don’t reciprocate doesn’t necessarily make it horrible, sometimes it can be flattering that a person cares about you that’s much, even if you yourself cannot return said feelings. The only problems arise if you try and push those very clear boundaries or force something romantic / sexual out of her after she’s made it clear to you she doesn’t return those feelings. So stop beating yourself up for falling for your friend.

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8 minutes ago, Shunyaku said:

Am I the piece of worthless human trash I feel like I am for falling for her, even while KNOWING her status?

No, because emotional responses are normal. This one isn't uncommon in a general sense, just an unfortunate pairing, and that's not really a fault of yours. It's a mismatch. Those things happen — and you have choices in how to guide your thinking and emotional coping practices as you navigate it.

 

 

10 minutes ago, Shunyaku said:

Am i just being a whiny little prick?

Oh god, they get so much worse than this! You are acknowledging that it's an incompatibility issue that's not malicious to you, and you're trying to approach it in a fair and respectful way. So many people would just have a temper tantrum and demand what they think they're entitled to because of ~their feelings~. You're coming from a far healthier direction, which is better for you and for your friend.

 

 

11 minutes ago, Shunyaku said:

Am... Am I somehow on the same harmful side as what the trans community calls chasers?

It doesn't sound like it to me. It sounds like this is a specific interpersonal relationship that sparked emotions in you, not a novelty that you've fixated on.

 

 

12 minutes ago, Shunyaku said:

I legitimately can't even tell if I deserve to be her friend, and it is horrifically depressing.

You can make choices that help maintain your friendship by dealing with your emotions in responsible and healthy ways. Do you have access to counseling services? If so, try talking it to somebody who's professionally trained to guide you through emotional turmoil. This includes both your feelings for your friend and for your sense of guilt. Both of these need to be addressed; one to respect the boundaries of your friend and the fact that she won't reciprocate, and another to transform that inner guilt to something more positive for you.

 

 

I have an experience in my life that I don't talk about much. It happened before I knew what aromanticism was and before I realized I'm asexual. Someone fell hard for me quite suddenly, just as we were forming our friendship. We had known each other loosely for a while, but bonded a lot over a short period of time. Then they moved halfway across the country and we only communicated from a distance, but every time they came back it became complicated again. The answer wasn't obvious because nothing felt natural to me, but it did to them. When I told them that I couldn't do that, they accepted that it wasn't me betraying them at all, but it was their issue to work through. And they did, and we're still friends. We've traveled together, we open up to each other about a lot of things, and we still trust each other. They worked through their issues, I worked through mine, and we never expected too much of one another. They have no regrets over their feelings and no resentment of what they "couldn't have" the way that more possessive or entitled people might. Based on what you've shared with us here, I think you are fully capable of going through the emotional processes that allow you to overcome this. It sounds like you really respect your friend, and that will help you keep focus on what you need to work through on your end. It might take some time, but go by your own schedule, because it's your emotional care. You might not be able to completely get rid of the feeling, but you can make choices to reframe it so it doesn't hurt so much. I believe in you.

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Hi there.  In my opinion, you are very lucky to have such a close friendship with another person.  If I were in your position, I'd just make sure to be there for her when she needs me, and let her lead.  That way you don't have to worry about overstepping any boundaries.   You can still demonstrate your love for her (by being there for her, supporting her in all her endeavors, etc) without it ever becoming sexual.

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Unrelated. I have to say, if you don't have a career as a novelist already, you really could be. You have an amazing sense of writing expression when it comes to your quandaries and strong feelings. 

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Thanks everyone... I'm trying but... it's a painful situation. She's still "in" a sort of "online relationship" she formed a little over a year ago, before she truly realized she was aroace and just thought it was her "being broken" and... like... All I can think about is begging her to just end that already, so that it doesn't feel like past situations, where I just spend all my time thinking it's that "I'm not good enough" rather than it being.... what it is.

 

It... it feels so selfish... so awful on my part... but while I can handle her being her... this awkward side situation just makes all the anxiety and depression and insert other crap here in me constantly nag me, telling me that she's just lying to spare my feelings... Despite mind you THAT I HAVE NO REAL REASON TO BELIEVE THIS and...

 

Well, she's my best friend. I love being around her. I have so much fun and she makes me so happy. Even as much crying as I've done, she makes me so, so, so happy.

 

But... yeah. I'd give anything to understand her better, to be a better friend to her.

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8 minutes ago, GingerRose said:

Unrelated. I have to say, if you don't have a career as a novelist already, you really could be. You have an amazing sense of writing expression when it comes to your quandaries and strong feelings. 

I... wow. Thank you, GingerRose. I do love to write but... well, just another thing that insecurity and other such things has limited. But... wow.

I will take this far more to heart than I have some thing sin the past.

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Mountain House

I would tell her.  "I am in love with you."  <mike drop>

 

Being in love, and feeling love, and being loved, well, it just feels good.  And it is good.  It is an amazing part of being alive.  Enjoy it.

 

And the fact is it's [NBD]

 

Self deprecation?  Stop that.  You are already in enough stress.  You don't need to be fending off this aggressor that is yourself.

 

Self deprecation because you feel love.  Really, stop that.

 

Okay, so you told her.  She might love you back or she may not.  NBD.

 

What will your relationship be?  (This is the real question of your post and the bit that is scaring you I imagine.)  Well, she knows what she is and how she loves and the kind of relationship she will want with you and you know what you are and how you love and the kind of relationship you want from her so throw up the Venn diagram and look at the intersection.  That's the opportunity.  Both of you then do some chattering about that, smooth out any bumps and decide on how to proceed from there.  You get to design your relationships so design it.

 

Right, so you are in love.  Lucky you!

Beating yourself up over it?  Really, that needs to stop.

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16 hours ago, Mountain House said:

I would tell her.  "I am in love with you."  <mike drop>

 

Being in love, and feeling love, and being loved, well, it just feels good.  And it is good.  It is an amazing part of being alive.  Enjoy it.

 

And the fact is it's [NBD]

 

Self deprecation?  Stop that.  You are already in enough stress.  You don't need to be fending off this aggressor that is yourself.

 

Self deprecation because you feel love.  Really, stop that.

 

Okay, so you told her.  She might love you back or she may not.  NBD.

 

What will your relationship be?  (This is the real question of your post and the bit that is scaring you I imagine.)  Well, she knows what she is and how she loves and the kind of relationship she will want with you and you know what you are and how you love and the kind of relationship you want from her so throw up the Venn diagram and look at the intersection.  That's the opportunity.  Both of you then do some chattering about that, smooth out any bumps and decide on how to proceed from there.  You get to design your relationships so design it.

 

Right, so you are in love.  Lucky you!

Beating yourself up over it?  Really, that needs to stop.

Thanks.

To explain something about why I'm like this; the last time I had feelings for someone I felt hated and expected to suppress myself. She was not ace, she just didn't like me, and expected me to just pretend it had never happened at all. It was an awful part of my life, and I did a lot of dumb things to myself as a result.

This new friend is a breath of truly fresh air.

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Trust me, she knows.

 

This is the best friend I've ever had. I just get... really existential.

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