I need help. Desperately.

[pumpkino]

I stumbled onto this website and it has given me some insight. I would not consider my partner to be 110% a-sexual but he does have a lot in common with you guys and no sex drive. He has no interest in sex and could go months with out it. Im always initiating sex.

Im a very sexual, kinky person. It is a part of who i am. I like it. Now, i could go with out for a while and be fine with sex every week , but i cant go on feeling unattractive, unwanted, rejected and all the like.

I love him like no other. We have fun together, we're comfortable, he intrigues me. He fullfills me in so many ways. I lust after him, i want him, im attracted to him. We have a healthy relationship except this. We have normal couple problems. We cuddle, he holds my hands, he kisses me, he sometimes touches me sexually but nothing TOO passionate. We do have sex. probably twice a month. There is no passion. I am fed up of ignoring this. its festering and affecting the rest of our relationship. I suggested that he might be a sexual an dhe was offended. his exact words,

" i don't know what you expect from me. i'm not gonna just all of a sudden become somebody that wants to do that every day. i don't know what you want me to do, this is who i am, if you don't like it, then you shouldn't be wasting your time. it's not that i don't like doing THAT, i just don't want to do it as often as you do."

Ive sat and ive thought and these are my options;

I can continue seeing him, accept that he is not very sexual, suck it up and go on or talk to him about getting my jollies else where.

I can leave him, find someone sexual and be my kinky self.

The thought of being with out him hurts, i honestly dont want to be alone. or with out him, but im starting to think that we are incompatible and dragging this on will only get worse. I dont want to be with someone for 20 years and feel like this!

[Nalle Neversure]

Welcome to AVEN!

*hug*

You're in hard situation.

And I can't give you any exact answer... :?

Ive sat and ive thought and these are my options;

I can continue seeing him, accept that he is not very sexual, suck it up and go on or talk to him about getting my jollies else where.

I can leave him, find someone sexual and be my kinky self.

The thought of being with out him hurts, i honestly dont want to be alone. or with out him, but im starting to think that we are incompatible and dragging this on will only get worse. I dont want to be with someone for 20 years and feel like this!

You really have been thinking a lot and know your options, which is very good thing.

And no, 20 years of feeling bad isn't the right option no matter how much you love him... If you end up staying with him, the key thing is compromising for both of you at some level. And conversation, that's the other important thing (in you're case it seemed a bit hard, but still).

As you wrote, there are many beautiful things in your relationship... Keep those in mind.

Sex isn't everything, but it causes many problems when not working, as you know. Both of you are "normal" just different... And how to deal with this difference, that's the issue.

I hope for the best so that you both could be happy... :)

Keep us posted and feel free to ask if there's anything you want to know. There are many other threads about same kinds of situations, you should read those too.

-Laura

[thylacine]

"I don't know what you expect from me. i'm not gonna just all of a sudden become somebody that wants to do that every day. i don't know what you want me to do, this is who i am." Yah know... every guy I've ever went out with has wanted to change me, make me over into the object of his fantasy... one wanted me to quit college and give up on any kind of career to become a submissive housewife. Another wanted me to become his own personal sex goddess... Naturally, I dump these ginks pretty fast.

I don't want to sound like I'm putting you down, cuz I'm not. I know youre situation is difficult, but you gotta ask yourself... is it fair to try and expect someone you love to change their personality type for you? Now, if the person was into drugs or drinking too much or cheating on you, then this would be a real prob and you would have a right to want them to change... but you really can't change who a person is inside. What your boyfriend said reminds me of myself -- except I'm a woman -- and all the men I know want me to fit the fantasy they have created in their mind of what a woman should be... The trouble is, I'm not a fantasy, I'm a real person... I'm asexual, I'm educated, I'm self reliant and think independently and make my own decisions... these characteristics fit very few men's idea of a perfect woman... I cannot become a sex kitten or a housewife to make anyone else happy... I just can't.

And he can't either. How would you feel if you were with a guy who wanted to remake you into his idea of what a wife should be... if he wanted you to get implants or bleach out your hair or loose 50 pounds etc. etc. etc...

I hope I'm not making you feel bad, but you really can't change anyone. A person is who they are, and that's that.

[fern]

It's a shame he isn't willing to talk more openly about this with you. Although, like thylacine, I can kind of understand the underlying frustration in his words. But this is the problem, isn't it? A situation gets to a point where both sides already have their defenses up and they bring them to the table right off the bat. The trick then is to try to get beneath the surface frustration and have an honest conversation about both your needs. The 'this is the way I am so take it or leave it' sentiment is hard to overcome sometimes. But people are capable of making adjustments in a relationship without having to betray or change who they fundamentally are.

I hope that being on AVEN can help. Even neither of you discuss this in terms of asexuality, perhaps there are some ideas and suggestions you can pick up here to bring back into a conversation with him. If that can happen, perhaps you two can come to some kind of compromise situation - one that doesn't change or put impossible pressure on either of you, but which allows you guys to stay together.

[Chiaroscuro]

Hi Pumpkino,

Boiling it all down, the only way for a "mixed" couple to live happily is for one of them to behave in a way that's intolerable to them.

Your personal Eeyore,

-Chiaroscuro

[M51]

Chiaro! Asexual hugs!!!

But, yeah, there are way more unhappy stories than happy ones when it comes to mixed couples. :(

It seems like he took the asexual thing as an insult, not as constructive exploration. For his own sake, it might be really healthy for him to accept the way he is. Sounds like he is tormenting himself. I mean, it is just not manly for a guy to not want sex, so to have someone suggest he is asexual could easily be taken as an insult, even if that was not how it was intended. Is there any way you could broach the subject again, trying extra hard to be sensitive to the attached stigma?

If he cannot educate himself, explore his feelings, find his limitations, and talk openly to you, the chances of things working out are...slim, to say the least.

Maybe you could start by telling him how much you care about him, and reminding him of all the positive things in your relationship that you cherish, and then tell him that there are a whole lot of people you know (everyone here on AVEN) who do not like sex, even plenty of guys, and that you think it is perfectly natural and normal and acceptable, that this is not a show-stopper for you, that you don't want to change him, and you would be willing to work with him if this is the case. But that you need to be able to talk about it openly and constructively in order to work with him on it. And then show him AVEN.

Or something. Hard to say because I don't know what your relationships is like.

Then, if he IS asexual, and he DOES accept it for himself, you can move on to the next step which is...uhh...okay, how to make this work?

Good luck. Everyone here at AVEN is hoping things work out.

[thylacine]

... and remember, just because he doesn't want sex as much as you do doesn't mean that you are unattractive or unwanted or anything... It just means he's not that into sex. Keep in mind, when a person is asexual or has a low sex drive, it's not about you.

I go out with guys who get all upset that I don't want to have sex in the first five minutes after meeting them... like, "Hi, I'm Bob. Let's have sex." "Uh... no thanx, Bob." "What??? Why the hell not???!!!" From my end of the universe, I see people around me wanting me to supply the sex to them, and they feel angry-hurt-rejected-etc. that I won't supply the sex. They just don't understand, I'm not rejecting them, I just don't want sex. It's not their clothes, it's not their hair, it's not that they forgot their deoderant, it's not the car they drive... I just don't want to live my life supplying other people with sex. Like, what am I? A vending machine? So please don't feel rejected that your man doesn't want sex all the time. I don't want sex, and I'm not rejecting people all around me just because I don't want sex. It's like I try to explain, you're a nice guy, but I want to go home now and sleep in my own bed with my cat. They just don't get it... Try to maybe see things from the other person's point of view.

(Of course, Bob is a generic representation of various persons I have met in life. There is no actual "Bob" in my life as of this moment.)

[*a*rteest]

From my end of the universe, I see people around me wanting me to supply the sex to them, and they feel angry-hurt-rejected-etc. that I won't supply the sex. They just don't understand, I'm not rejecting them, I just don't want sex. It's not their clothes, it's not their hair, it's not that they forgot their deoderant, it's not the car they drive... I just don't want to live my life supplying other people with sex. Like, what am I? A vending machine?

That's awesome. Can I use it?

[thylacine]

Yeah... you can use it.

[jipz]

i just figured out about a week ago whats been going on with my husband. your story is exactly like mine except i have two children and 16 years later. i've been miserable and lonely all of them years. he had sex with me a few times just to keep me quiet for a period and allowed me to get pregnant ''i think'' because it might take my mind off of wanting sex. i've been asking him for years why he doesent want to have sex with me, all get is '' i dont know''. i thought it was me. i blamed myself, beat myself up, become depressed and had to be put on medication. he was never honest with me from the start or i wouldnt have stayed. i have been a stay at home mother now most of our marriage and im very dependent on him now which is what i think he wanted. financially im stuck!!! my husband allowed me to think that he was just impotant, i took him to specialist and he took errection medication but still never had that ''drive'' that comes natural. he can go forever and never think about it or want it. he's not effectionate for fear that i might want more. it has ruined my life, my selfesteem and my self confidence. i found this website and felt like someone kicked me. everyones stories are just like my life and i discovered whats actually wrong with him. all i think about now is '' god if only i had seen the signs when i met him''!! i would never had done this to myself if i has only known. im 41 now and i want out of this mess..... soooo if you have a chance to move on........by all means love yourself enough to do it!! you will find love somewhere else with someone that wants to RETURN IT!!!!!

[Three Steps At A Time]

jipz - my heart goes out to you. i will never do that to someone else. perhaps your husband is in very deep denial - not only to you but to himself, but, in my opinion, that kind of denial is inexcusable. he should have been looking for answers.

[jipz]

im not sure its denial or maybe he just dont know what its called. i have given him this website but he dont show alot of interest in reading it unless he's reading it while im not here. to be honest with you i never heard about this before until i seen 20/20 a few months back and they had this topic on there and a light bulb went off so i started doing some searching. im not sure he wants to know. i told him that what he did to me is NO different then what a man who is knowing gay marries a woman, has children and takes 20 years of her life and then ''comes out'' instead of being honest from the get go!! i dont want my marriage anymore and i think daily about how to get out of it.

[Three Steps At A Time]

im not sure its denial or maybe he just dont know what its called. i have given him this website but he dont show alot of interest in reading it unless he's reading it while im not here. to be honest with you i never heard about this before until i seen 20/20 a few months back and they had this topic on there and a light bulb went off so i started doing some searching. im not sure he wants to know. i told him that what he did to me is NO different then what a man who is knowing gay marries a woman, has children and takes 20 years of her life and then ''comes out'' instead of being honest from the get go!! i dont want my marriage anymore and i think daily about how to get out of it.

it sounds like you're tired of being a victim, which i applaud. i guess the only thing i can add is that it is possible your husband doesn't really understand this about himself. it took me until I was 33 before it finally clicked for me. luckily i never dragged another person (let alone children) into it with me.

it sounds like you are very angry with him (which is understandable) but hopefully one day you'll be able to forgive him. that would be good for both of you. of course he should be equally empathic with you. it's horrible what he did. i'm just suggesting that you consider the possibility that it was not really intentional. some people just really want to be 'normal' and ignore things about themselves.

[jipz]

thank you for carrying enough to reply and give me alittle advice. your right, im very angry with him. our fights over this subject over the years have been intense. he made me feel embarrassed of my sexual needs. i wanted to ignore them but sometimes it was so painful and overwhelming. i would have to masturbate just to get thru my day but once i did i wanted to beat him up with a ball bat because in my eyes i shouldnt have to do that and besides after awhile masterbation dont seem to be very gradifying. im really glad i found this site and people like you to talk to. i think im finally starting to feel normal and almost like im not living with this huge secret that noone would understand!!

[Three Steps At A Time]

i'm glad if there was anything i said that was helpful. good luck to you.

[maufry]

Hi Pumpkino,

Boiling it all down, the only way for a "mixed" couple to live happily is for one of them to behave in a way that's intolerable to them.

Your personal Eeyore,

-Chiaroscuro

Not true. The only fair way for a mixed couple to live together is for BOTH of them to behave in a way that's intolerable to them - i.e. compromise. One person has sex more often than s/he wants it, the other has it less often than s/he wants it. Forcing one person to completely conform to the other's wants and needs is not only unfair, it's incredibly disrespectful and borderline abusive (IMO). Which is why I think it's fantastically difficult to make mixed relationship work if there's no option of having a sexual outlet for the sexual partner. However, if one person's needs are consistently being ignored or not met, they have discussed this with their partner, and yet they stay in the relationship - then in that case the person is choosing to live in an intolerable situation. And that's not the fault of the partner. To use myself as an example (some of this I think you may already know from previous posts, Chiaroscuro), my last relationship ended b/c I was A and my bf was not. I personally am the type that can't "compromise" without feeling raped, so there was no sex in the relationship. Now, admittedly he didn't know this going into the relationship, b/c I didn't know it myself. But when I finally figured out that what I was feeling was asexuality, we discussed it, in detail. We discussed the option of him sleeping around, and we both agreed that it wasn't for us. And we still stayed together for several months thereafter. He chose to stay in the relationship as long as he did - I didn't force him to stay. He was free to extricate himself from the situation whenever he couldn't handle it anymore - which is exactly what he did. If the situation had been reversed and I was consistently putting out and making myself miserable just to keep the relationship going, that would have been my own stupid fault for continuing to do it. No one should be in a relationship in which they aren't happy. Forcing myself to change to make him happy would have made me UNhappy. Forcing himself to change to make me happy made him unhappy. What it boiled down to is that we just weren't compatible. It sucks, but that's the way it is. It may sound harsh, but why stay in a relationship that just can't work? As much as you may love someone, sometimes you just have to face the facts.

[thylacine]

Jipz, I'm sorry you're so unhappy with your life right now. But instead of being angry with your husband, try understanding him as a person. Being asexual is not "wrong" -- it's just how someone is. Try to understand how he feels. I know you feel he was dishonest with you, but "asexual" is not a word that was in circulation many years back when you married him. Maybe he does love you, but maybe he feels trapped too because your sexual needs are too strong for him?

You also said you are financially dependant on him. Do you ever think of getting a job to take your mind off your relationship problems? It would bring you some money for yourself. You could take classes and become a manicurist or hairdresser, or a medical assistant, or take secretarial classes, get a job, be able to support yourself if you are so unhappy.

Many women who are dependant on their husbands just don't know there is an entire universe out there beyond their home. You are probably frustrated being stuck in the kitchen. If you don't want to take classes, maybe work as a waitress? Really -- there is an entire world out there beyond housework! If you got out more, maybe you'd feel better, have your own money, have self esteem, feel like a person again?

[jipz]

thank you thylacine and i know your right about him not knowing what he was but i've since tried to show him that there is a name for who he is and he dont want to hear it. when i thought he was just impotent i stuck with like glue. i had his back no matter what, however when i cried or felt lonely or need reassured that everything was ok...he walked away from me because he knew why i was feeling that way and didnt want to talk about it. he turned his back on me when at times all i needed was a hug. this one problem....was the only problem we ever had but it caused so many more problems along the way. i know that i sound angry but its only because i needed something to replace my tears. i've never in my life felt so neglected or detatched from someone as i do with him. and thy''' getting a job and changing my life is something i plan to do. i think the other reason im so mad is i wanted to be different and be married forever and just grow old together and i feel like he took that away too. im really not sure that that an asexual and a sexual can ever live happily ever after.!!

[maufry]

im really not sure that that an asexual and a sexual can ever live happily ever after.!!

I'll second that. Not that I think it's impossible, just highly unlikely, unless the sexual has a really low libido. I'm personally not really looking to date much anymore - why put myself through the constant rejection from guys who can't handle never getting laid?

[*a*rteest]

this one problem....was the only problem we ever had but it caused so many more problems along the way.

And I think this is the clincher. I don't mean to sound insensitive...however, let me give you a possible flip side.

When this ONE issue, SEX, is made out to be the huuuuuge pink elephant in the room you can't EVER ignore, when he's so used to you hurt and crying and having it up on a billboard marquee with blazing lights around it, then I don't blame an asexual partner for shutting down and simply not being interested in further research.

I'm not saying it's *easy* for an A and and S to have a relationship, I'm saying that when it isn't made to be such a HUGE deal right from the start of a relationship, that it's somewhat more "manageable" to deal with.

However, both parties have to be really self-aware before starting anything, and if they're not, then things get said and done on both sides where compromise would have been possible. That lack of knowledge unfortunately was the sad situation in your relationship.

The only thing you can do is GIVE HIM SPACE. After so much arguing and anger about sex, even your genuinely helpful efforts will bring out his defensiveness.

Seriously, if you cannot handle giving him the space he needs, this relationship is NOT for you.

you will find love somewhere else with someone that wants to RETURN IT!!!!!

Just this line makes me REALLY defensive as an asexual person. I can feel the hair standing up straight on the back of my neck while reading your posts. He's probably returning his love in ways you cannot SEE because you're so stuck on your "one issue"!

I'm not saying it's OK for him to expect you to be monogamous and celibate. That's just flat out wrong, too. Even though I'm asexual, I'd never expect that of a sexual partner, should I ever end up with one.

I can't say I speak for him, but that's what goes through my mind as an A.

[Chiaroscuro]

The only thing you can do is GIVE HIM SPACE. After so much arguing and anger about sex, even your genuinely helpful efforts will bring out his defensiveness.

Seriously, if you cannot handle giving him the space he needs, this relationship is NOT for you.

How would you feel if a sexual Avenite suggested the following:

"The only thing you can do is GIVE HER SEX. After so much arguing and anger about sex, even your genuinely helpful efforts will bring out her defensiveness.

Seriously, if you cannot handle giving her the sex she needs, this relationship is NOT for you."

My wife's interest in sex tailed off to nothing five years ago. Initially I gave her space to deal with what was going on, and to defuse an obviously difficult dynamic that we'd developed (in which I was bringing up "the elephant" and my wife was calling me a lecherous pervert). I began sleeping in the livingroom.

Five years later, nothing much has been resolved by giving her her space, except to drive my needs underground. I've had to go outside our relationship (to a therapist), in order to have someone to talk to about the single most important issue in my marriage and life.

So giving my wife space really just solves the issue for her, because now she can ignore that there IS an issue. Our marriage is the perfect marriage for her. Stripped down to its core, what you're advocating is that the sexual half of the relationship either shuts up or leaves.

-Chiaroscuro

[*a*rteest]

"The only thing you can do is GIVE HER SEX. After so much arguing and anger about sex, even your genuinely helpful efforts will bring out her defensiveness.

Seriously, if you cannot handle giving her the sex she needs, this relationship is NOT for you."

But I didn't say that, did I?

I said:

I'm not saying it's OK for him to expect you to be monogamous and celibate. That's just flat out wrong, too. Even though I'm asexual, I'd never expect that of a sexual partner, should I ever end up with one.

And I'm advocating, as I said in the previous post, that the sexual half needs to learn that after so much anger directed toward the A partner, it's really, really hard for an A to accept even the most kind gesture from their partner. People don't want even the best help from their suspected worst enemy.

I'm having the same problem with my coworker already (sheesh! We didn't even go on an official date yet and sex is *already* an issue!). I'd love to just hang out with him and get to know him, how his head works, etc. He's absolutely convinced that I go over to his place, it'll end up in sex.

The more he digs his heels into the ground, the more I dig in. And the cycle goes on and on and on.

Should I give in just to please him? So he'll able to have a friendly conversation with me (and I'm serious...he won't take "friends" for a possibility...I seem to be one person in the store with which he can't have a non-flirtatious conversation!)? No way.

And reading:

you will find love somewhere else with someone that wants to RETURN IT!!!!!

just makes me feel compeltely "defensive", and I'm not even the husband!

I'm saying to try to leave the issue alone until things have cooled off, THEN suggesting AVEN...I know if things were left up to the A partner, nothing will get done...but you have to get things done in a way that won't set the other half off, either. And if the other half is so *used* to being set off, you'll get NOTHING accomplished.

And if, as the poster said,

this one problem....was the only problem we ever had

then the poster will be leaving the other half *just* for the sex issue, which I think is really, really sad indeed.

And when I say "JUST" for the sex issue, I'm not diminishing the need for sex or the need for space. I'm saying that relationships take so much time, effort, compromise, and commitment, that breaking up over ONE issue is just...sad.

This is because it's a whole different issue than the issue of having children or not. You can't have half a child to make both parties happy...but sexual compromise is always possible.

[maufry]

The only thing you can do is GIVE HIM SPACE. After so much arguing and anger about sex, even your genuinely helpful efforts will bring out his defensiveness.

Seriously, if you cannot handle giving him the space he needs, this relationship is NOT for you.

How would you feel if a sexual Avenite suggested the following:

"The only thing you can do is GIVE HER SEX. After so much arguing and anger about sex, even your genuinely helpful efforts will bring out her defensiveness.

Seriously, if you cannot handle giving her the sex she needs, this relationship is NOT for you."

If the sex issue was SUCH a big deal for the sexual person, then I personally would be forced to agree (although I probably wouldn't want to admit it at first). If a sexual compromise cannot be reached to both parties' satisfaction, then the relationship is just NOT going to work. Sooner or later they're both going to have to face that.

[Chiaroscuro]

It may sound harsh, but why stay in a relationship that just can't work? As much as you may love someone, sometimes you just have to face the facts.

Sorry, somehow I skipped past your earlier entry, Maufry. You're right that it's the responsibility of both parties to either compromise or leave or "martyr" themselves by staying in an intolerable situation. In my case, there are kids and a real love for my wife that are keeping me from un-martyring myself. Facing the facts isn't always so cut and dry...

-Chiaroscuro

[Chiaroscuro]

Quote:

"The only thing you can do is GIVE HER SEX. After so much arguing and anger about sex, even your genuinely helpful efforts will bring out her defensiveness.

Seriously, if you cannot handle giving her the sex she needs, this relationship is NOT for you."

But I didn't say that, did I?

I changed the word SPACE to SEX, otherwise, yes, that's what you said.

I understand what you're saying, but I wanted to point out what it sounds like from the sexual side of the fence.

-Chiaroscuro

[Daysleeper]

chiaroscuro you are my hero

[jipz]

How would you feel if a sexual Avenite suggested the following:

Quote:

"The only thing you can do is GIVE HER SEX. After so much arguing and anger about sex, even your genuinely helpful efforts will bring out her defensiveness.

Seriously, if you cannot handle giving her the sex she needs, this relationship is NOT for you."

WOW YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD! i needed someone to put it like that because its true... the sexual for some reason is supposed to be the only understanding one. i need my husband to have some for me. i too have kids and i honestly love my husband and now that i know whats actually going on im trying to learn as much as i can to help me along. i just wish he understood how painful this is for me. he wasnt this way his entire life. a few years before i met him he was shot and almost died, after finding this site we read that trauma could have caused this, my question now is does that mean he'll be this way forever or could he regain his drive back? we read that some asexuals cant even masterbate or touch their partners. it was never like that for us, he was just never interested in making the move or really never wanted to but sometimes he would have sex to keep me quiet for awhile but never seemed disgusted by having to touch me. i just wonder if his sex drive could come back.

[gee.kate]

I've read the majority of the replies in this thread and they seem to cover things quite well, but wanted to add my own two cents anyway.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine and my fiance's up until very recently, except reversed - I am the female and possibly asexual, and he is the male and VERY sexual, kinky, and up for experimenting. Until recently, we fought or had hard feelings pretty often because we both felt like we were bad people for being so opposite and in turn made the other person feel bad about themselves. This was very unhealthy but all I could do was just hope that I'd magically develop a sex drive, or his would magically decrease (and how sad is that?) Then, I started researching asexuality and AVEN in particular and after lots of thinking and crying - both on my own and with my fiance - I came out of my denial and recognized my possible asexuality. Since then (and I just mean in the last couple of weeks haha) we've been trying more to work out ways in which he can have sex or be his sexual self via other avenues. It's been incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassing for both of us at times, but with steady communication and understanding it seems to be evolving into a positive thing.

I'm not saying that your SO is asexual or that your situation will work out like ours is, but I just wanted to share another personal take on the story. Maybe there is a chance that he is in denial like I was, and that could take some time to come out of. The ultimate thing is coming to an agreement and accepting the other person which should become easier since you said you do love each other. Good luck :)

[Chiaroscuro]

Hi Kate,

As someone who's been married for sixteen years to a recently asexual-ized wife, I would urge you and your fiancee to seriously reconsider getting married. I LOVE my wife, and I LOVE my kids. She's my best friend and we've made a lovely life together. But we're probably going to split up when my son gets older. It breaks my heart. It breaks hers and I shudder to think how my kids will take it.

You may be able to rise above the differences, and bless you for trying to compromise, but I just want to pitch in here and say that marriage is a long, long, long undertaking. It may seem like something you can compromise on now, because you're both in love and filled with hope, and certainly love can conquer such a small, side-issue. On any other small, side-issue I'd say, go for it. Marriage is about compromises. But this is one area where there seems to be very little compromise possible over the long run. My wife and I tried everything, including my going outside the marriage, and there really isn't an answer.

Sorry to be a wet blanket, but I wish every day that, when I was engaged, I'd known what I was going to be facing. It would have saved so much heartbreak all around.

best of luck,

-chiaroscuro

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