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alloromantic asexuals: how do you differentiate between romantic and platonic attraction?


morgawr

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How do you tell the difference between liking someone as a friend and feeling romantic attraction towards them? I’m asking alloromantic (people who do feel romantic attraction towards others) asexual people because usually when I ask allosexual alloromantics, I get an answer along the lines of “well you want to have sex with people you date and not with your friends” or “you want to do romantic things with people you’re romantically attracted to” which is a) not accurate, b) vague, and c) unhelpful to me as a bisexual aromantic. What are the differences in how you feel towards someone you’re platonically or romantically attracted to?

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As a romantic sexual, I find the use of terms like allosexual and alloromantic both unhelpful and insensitive to the many who express a distaste for them. Many sexuals neither consent to the term “allosexual” nor approve of it. It’s labeled upon sexuals rather. At this point, I find it borderline offensive frankly as it’s been pointed out ad nauseam and ignored.
 

Sorry, I can’t see past the use of terms to even attempt an answer to what’s actually being asked.

 

Edit: I clicked through to your profile after replying and see that you’re new to the forums. I apologize if you didn’t know. Please note that many sexuals (including me) find “allo” both unnecessary and borderline offensive at this point. FYI 😬

 

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I can be very close with platonic friends, but with someone I love romantically there's an extra element of wanting to be close to them both physically (hugging, holding hands, maybe even kiss) and emotionally (wanting to be their "priority person", the go-to when they want to hang out or need someone to talk, or - in a situation like last year's lockdown - the one other person they're allowed to meet). I do enjoy closeness with people I love platonically, and I will absolutely hug them and I will absolutely want to hang out with them, but with romantic love there's kind of an extra layer to it.

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31 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Many sexuals neither consent to the term “allosexual” nor approve of it. It’s labeled upon sexuals rather.

Huh. I had no idea the term allosexual was offensive.

I've been using that term for quite sometime.

I'll have to stop then... 😟

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47 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

As a romantic sexual, I find the use of terms like allosexual and alloromantic both unhelpful and insensitive to the many who express a distaste for them. Many sexuals neither consent to the term “allosexual” nor approve of it. It’s labeled upon sexuals rather. At this point, I find it borderline offensive frankly as it’s been pointed out ad nauseam and ignored.
 

Sorry, I can’t see past the use of terms to even attempt an answer to what’s actually being asked.

 

Edit: I clicked through to your profile after replying and see that you’re new to the forums. I apologize if you didn’t know. Please note that many sexuals (including me) find “allo” both unnecessary and borderline offensive at this point. FYI 😬

 

How is it offensive? I consider myself allosexual.

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Wanting to have that bond where not only do they make you happy, but you can spend time in each other's embrace.  To have his voice and smile make you happy and pray that it's reciprocal. 

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1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

As a romantic sexual, I find the use of terms like allosexual and alloromantic both unhelpful and insensitive to the many who express a distaste for them. Many sexuals neither consent to the term “allosexual” nor approve of it. It’s labeled upon sexuals rather. At this point, I find it borderline offensive frankly as it’s been pointed out ad nauseam and ignored.
 

Sorry, I can’t see past the use of terms to even attempt an answer to what’s actually being asked.

 

Edit: I clicked through to your profile after replying and see that you’re new to the forums. I apologize if you didn’t know. Please note that many sexuals (including me) find “allo” both unnecessary and borderline offensive at this point. FYI 😬

 

I've been on this forum for a while and I've never read anything about that. I have to say I don't understand the point you are trying to make. Most sexual people aren't aware we exist, so yeah... they've never heard the term 'allosexual' either, nevermind 'alloromantic'.
 Allo(sexual / romantic) = not a(sexual / romantic).
It's not 'targeting' anyone either, it's a broad term. Like Jewish people call non jewish people 'goys'. That doesn't mean anything about you,  you don't agree to it, you don't have to 'identify as goy', it just means you aren't jewish. Do you find it offensive? How? 😅
In the end, it's just more convenient for clarity's sake and you don't have a word for this, you are implying there is 'normal' (who doesn't need a word because it's that obvious) and 'us'.
More and more people are using 'cisgenre' for the same reason and the main argument I've heard against it are cisgenre people whining they refuse to have to label themselves to accommodate other people. 

 

 

1 hour ago, morgawr said:

How do you tell the difference between liking someone as a friend and feeling romantic attraction towards them? I’m asking alloromantic (people who do feel romantic attraction towards others) asexual people because usually when I ask allosexual alloromantics, I get an answer along the lines of “well you want to have sex with people you date and not with your friends” or “you want to do romantic things with people you’re romantically attracted to” which is a) not accurate, b) vague, and c) unhelpful to me as a bisexual aromantic. What are the differences in how you feel towards someone you’re platonically or romantically attracted to?

Sex is a very small part of a relationship. It's a very minor part for a significant number of couples in general, after a few years. To begin with, touching someone romantically isn't limited to sex. Outside of a romantic relationship, I find touching people relatively distasteful. I don't feel like hugging or holding hands with someone I don't have romantic feelings for. You think about your friends, but you often think about someone you have romantic feelings for a lot more and it's a lot more satisfying that thinking about anyone else (that's a chemical reaction, it increases dopamine and whatnot... fun fact, a study showed that people felt less pain when the painful stimulus was added while they were watching the photo of their SO than when they were otherwise distracted). As a result, you will also get worried / doubts / negative feelings stronger and faster than with friends (you know your friend who asks why the person they went out with hasn't replied yet to the text they sent 30 minutes ago? Yep, you don't really wonder that much when your friend isn't answering immediately...).
You also tend to watch the other person more, especially their eyes. I don't know if you've already been on a date with someone, but people who want to date you and who are in 'date mode' have a very specific way of watching you and an unmistakable look in their eyes (and it doesn't have anything to do with lust or sex... asexuals do it too - it's some kind of 'soft but very focused' look... see what I mean?). 
If it doesn't make you want to bolt, chances are you are romantically interested. 
Honestly, you can tell mostly if imagining a romantic relationship with that person or that person hinting they want to date you doesn't make you want to run away screaming.

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23 minutes ago, Astrea said:

I don't understand the point you are trying to make.

I somewhat thought it was self explanatory 🤷🏻‍♀️
 

I’ll link a post here for reference courtesy of another member mere days ago…

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29 minutes ago, morgawr said:

How is it offensive? I consider myself allosexual.

 

18 minutes ago, Astrea said:

I've been on this forum for a while and I've never read anything about that. I have to say I don't understand the point you are trying to make. Most sexual people aren't aware we exist, so yeah... they've never heard the term 'allosexual' either, nevermind 'alloromantic'.
 Allo(sexual / romantic) = not a(sexual / romantic).
It's not 'targeting' anyone either, it's a broad term. Like Jewish people call non jewish people 'goys'. That doesn't mean anything about you,  you don't agree to it, you don't have to 'identify as goy', it just means you aren't jewish. Do you find it offensive? How? 😅
In the end, it's just more convenient for clarity's sake and you don't have a word for this, you are implying there is 'normal' (who doesn't need a word because it's that obvious) and 'us'.
More and more people are using 'cisgenre' for the same reason and the main argument I've heard against it are cisgenre people whining they refuse to have to label themselves to accommodate other people. 

Many sexual-people especially have had issues with term 'allo' being used in the ace community for...ever? So I'm surprised you were unaware of this @Astrea! Some are okay with the term, but the majority find it distasteful (there have been polls done about it over the years).

 

The term 'allosexual' was originally invented to be the opposite of autosexual. It means 'attracted to people/things other than yourself' which on it's own is kind of..weird. But many people also see the 'all' in 'allo' to mean like ''yeah will fuck anything/will fuck it all'' Y_Y Plus it's a label that's been applied to us by people who are not us and often do not understand us, which is also a bit iffy. Many sexual folks within the ace community prefer the term 'sexual' for these reasons and others, because the 'a' in 'asexual' means ''without''. So 'sexual' is a better way to represent us than some word that can be interpreted in all kinds of different ways by many different people.

 

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean individual sexual folks can't use it to apply to themselves of course - just know many sexual folks aren't keen on the term. 

 

1 hour ago, morgawr said:

How do you tell the difference between liking someone as a friend and feeling romantic attraction towards them? I’m asking alloromantic (people who do feel romantic attraction towards others) asexual people because usually when I ask allosexual alloromantics, I get an answer along the lines of “well you want to have sex with people you date and not with your friends” or “you want to do romantic things with people you’re romantically attracted to” which is a) not accurate, b) vague, and c) unhelpful to me as a bisexual aromantic. What are the differences in how you feel towards someone you’re platonically or romantically attracted to?

I am a sexual romantic person, but the difference for me isn't in sexual desire. It's in the feelings themselves. Romantic attraction is an extremely powerful emotion for me where it kind of aches right through me. It's powerful and undeniable. Whereas wanting to be friends with someone is just that: wanting to be friends with them. It isn't accompanied by overpowering emotions that make me feel happy for no reason and make me feel nervous any time I even think of the person, haha.

 

Also it annoys me when sexual folks say 'the difference is sex' because a LOT of sexual folks have sex with their friends or even strangers they just met in a bar if they're into casual hookups or whatever, haha. So obviously the difference (for many of us anyway) goes beyond who you want to have sex with when it comes to understanding romantic attraction :) 

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Moved from Sexual Partners, friends, and allies to Questions about Asexuality. 

 

Iff, 

Moderator, sexual partners, friends, and allies 

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previously known as aroace
On 11/20/2021 at 6:02 PM, PanFicto. said:

 

Many sexual-people especially have had issues with term 'allo' being used in the ace community for...ever? So I'm surprised you were unaware of this @Astrea! Some are okay with the term, but the majority find it distasteful (there have been polls done about it over the years).

 

The term 'allosexual' was originally invented to be the opposite of autosexual. It means 'attracted to people/things other than yourself' which on it's own is kind of..weird. But many people also see the 'all' in 'allo' to mean like ''yeah will fuck anything/will fuck it all'' Y_Y Plus it's a label that's been applied to us by people who are not us and often do not understand us, which is also a bit iffy. Many sexual folks within the ace community prefer the term 'sexual' for these reasons and others, because the 'a' in 'asexual' means ''without''. So 'sexual' is a better way to represent us than some word that can be interpreted in all kinds of different ways by many different people.

 

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean individual sexual folks can't use it to apply to themselves of course - just know many sexual folks aren't keen on the term. 

 

I am a sexual romantic person, but the difference for me isn't in sexual desire. It's in the feelings themselves. Romantic attraction is an extremely powerful emotion for me where it kind of aches right through me. It's powerful and undeniable. Whereas wanting to be friends with someone is just that: wanting to be friends with them. It isn't accompanied by overpowering emotions that make me feel happy for no reason and make me feel nervous any time I even think of the person, haha.

 

Also it annoys me when sexual folks say 'the difference is sex' because a LOT of sexual folks have sex with their friends or even strangers they just met in a bar if they're into casual hookups or whatever, haha. So obviously the difference (for many of us anyway) goes beyond who you want to have sex with when it comes to understanding romantic attraction :) 

Sexual opposed to allosexual makes a lot of sense actually. I do remember years ago where allosexual did not refer to sexual at least when I saw a definition of it for the first time.

 

I think I'm going to swap and use "sexual" instead

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The French Unicorn
On 11/20/2021 at 11:24 PM, morgawr said:

How is it offensive? I consider myself allosexual.

It's one of the big difference between the ace and aro communities for some reason. In the aro community, people use allosexual and don't like sexual. In the ace community, they use sexual and don't like allosexual. So just call yourself as you want and be careful depending on who you are speaking to,

 

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