How manage the emotions and celibate

[Lonely2021]

My partner is asexual but he enjoys sex when he gets it.We have been having issues for over 2 year's,I tried everything,to help him or us.I'm really done looking for him all the time and I hate the feeling I'm more like a chore or when he is up to,I became distant physically,no kiss or hugs,only when I want sex.My anxiety got pretty bad and I started feeling depressed.I love him so much,but this is killing me.I'm not open to a open relationship,I hate the feeling I want to feel wanted by him,I can feel wanted by a lot men but no the way I want by him,I don't like to satisfie my self when I have a person who we could enjoy each other,it hurts me.I hate the idea of schedule sex it disgusting to me,someone will do it,but is not part of him or part of our life,more like to get it over.We have a family now and he is great

I have been to therapy, how do you guys manage to stay?

 

[intheshadowoferos]

1 hour ago, Lonely2021 said:

how do you guys manage to stay?

I've been in my relationship 3 decades....

Much of it has been spent in the blame game, either it was something broke with me or something broke with him. We are just at the beginning of trying to sort it all out.... I just recently found out about Asexuality as an orientation, so I read up on it: Under Standing Asexuality, ACE, and The Invisible Orientation. The next book I will read is I Fell In Love With and Asexual. I am currently listening to podcasts on the subject, and We have just begun with a therapist.  We went to one years ago but were just spinning our wheels. I really think that if ace had been widely known back then that we would be better off now. But, alas...

I'm a bit of an anarchist in a lot of areas of my live, with faith, abstract definitions etc.... I plan to address the Relationship Anarchy roadmap as a way to approach our future. I haven't brought it up to our therapist yet, but I will next week.

There is a lot of support and validation to be found on aven. Wander around, don't be afraid to ask questions or ask for support.

[Lonely2021]

20 minutes ago, intheshadowoferos said:

I've been in my relationship 3 decades....

Much of it has been spent in the blame game, either it was something broke with me or something broke with him. We are just at the beginning of trying to sort it all out.... I just recently found out about Asexuality as an orientation, so I read up on it: Under Standing Asexuality, ACE, and The Invisible Orientation. The next book I will read is I Fell In Love With and Asexual. I am currently listening to podcasts on the subject, and We have just begun with a therapist.  We went to one years ago but were just spinning our wheels. I really think that if ace had been widely known back then that we would be better off now. But, alas...

I'm a bit of an anarchist in a lot of areas of my live, with faith, abstract definitions etc.... I plan to address the Relationship Anarchy roadmap as a way to approach our future. I haven't brought it up to our therapist yet, but I will next week.

There is a lot of support and validation to be found on aven. Wander around, don't be afraid to ask questions or ask for support.

Thank you I'm almost done reading that book.

Isn't bad but it makes wonder if I can stay.

[Mountain House]

Welcome @Lonely2021,

You are in a very tough situation and I feel for you.

I think you should give serious consideration to Breaking Up <This is a link>.

I believe it will be easier while you still love him rather then waiting until you've built a resentment.

 

My best.

 

[Lonely2021]

14 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

Welcome @Lonely2021,

You are in a very tough situation and I feel for you.

I think you should give serious consideration to Breaking Up <This is a link>.

I believe it will be easier while you still love him rather then waiting until you've built a resentment.

 

My best.

 

Thank you,I'm trying to avoid this as much as possible there's a lot going on and we have kids.

[Mountain House]

2 hours ago, Lonely2021 said:

I hate the feeling I want to feel wanted by him

I'm guessing that this is an innate part of who you are.  It is me.  It isn't going to go away.

 

2 hours ago, Lonely2021 said:

I don't like to satisfie my self when I have a person who we could enjoy each other

I relate to this and I eventually developed a resentment for masturbation.  It isn't/wasn't pretty.

I offer you this book: Sex by Design by Betty Dodson PhD

(probably anything Betty Dodson)

 

34 minutes ago, Lonely2021 said:

Thank you,I'm trying to avoid this as much as possible there's a lot going on and we have kids

I understand.

 

I don't know your exact situation but you sound miserable.

 

You could consider that it may be better to give your kids the model of a well executed divorce that leads to 2 happy homes with happy co-parents rather then model 1 unhappy home with miserable parents.

[Lonely2021]

1 hour ago, Mountain House said:

I'm guessing that this is an innate part of who you are.  It is me.  It isn't going to go away.

 

I relate to this and I eventually developed a resentment for masturbation.  It isn't/wasn't pretty.

I offer you this book: Sex by Design by Betty Dodson PhD

(probably anything Betty Dodson)

 

I understand.

 

I don't know your exact situation but you sound miserable.

 

You could consider that it may be better to give your kids the model of a well executed divorce that leads to 2 happy homes with happy co-parents rather then model 1 unhappy home with miserable parents.

Thank you,yes I feel miserable,I blame my self a lot,he is a wonderful person and I don't want get divorce and we do pretty well besides that.

I dealt with divorce before and I don't want do this again.

[Guest]

Hi lonely 2021,

I'm sorry to read about your troubles and feel for you.

 

I'm puzzled as to your opening line when you say your partner enjoys sex when he gets it. Can you expand on that? From my perspective that's a glass half full.

 

I think all the replies you've received especially from mountain house and intheshadowoferos are valid. 

Personally, polyamory relationships and/or the relationship anarchy roadmap would be a slippery slope for me unless I developed the right baggage/gear/mind set.  And I'm a terribly lazy person. So, not sure on that one.

 

I have no advice for you. I'm groping or not, in the dark.

 

One thing I've learnt since reading on Aven is that the hurt is the same for all of us, it doesn't go away. I guess this has become my battle. I don't want to die feeling resentful and bitter so something needs to be done. The question is what?

 

I'm taking comfort in knowing more, like intheshadowoferos if only I had known 30 years ago this would have avoided  many bad habits to settle in. In as much as I don't want to live life looking in the rear view window I try to look at the past to see if I can find traps I fell into which I need to avoid. But alas it's not easy doing this alone. A good historian might be of use on this one.

 

In the meantime, I'm trying with my husband to enhance the positives and shun the negatives. There won't be sex, and even though it's the most apparent problem it has become secondary to feelings of guilt my husband has in my regard and avoidance of dialogue on the matter or physical contact lest it be interpreted as sexual interest etc. One hell of a downward spiral.

 

So, I'm trying to start afresh. Making him understand we are what we are. Trying to aim for achievable goals one at a time. No more guilt or hurt. Can we give each other enough to feel alive again? We'll see.

 

Good luck with your plight and keep reading on Aven. I think it helps a lot.

[Lonely2021]

On 11/20/2021 at 7:29 AM, Dumb said:

Hi lonely 2021,

I'm sorry to read about your troubles and feel for you.

 

I'm puzzled as to your opening line when you say your partner enjoys sex when he gets it. Can you expand on that? From my perspective that's a glass half full.

 

I think all the replies you've received especially from mountain house and intheshadowoferos are valid. 

Personally, polyamory relationships and/or the relationship anarchy roadmap would be a slippery slope for me unless I developed the right baggage/gear/mind set.  And I'm a terribly lazy person. So, not sure on that one.

 

I have no advice for you. I'm groping or not, in the dark.

 

One thing I've learnt since reading on Aven is that the hurt is the same for all of us, it doesn't go away. I guess this has become my battle. I don't want to die feeling resentful and bitter so something needs to be done. The question is what?

 

I'm taking comfort in knowing more, like intheshadowoferos if only I had known 30 years ago this would have avoided  many bad habits to settle in. In as much as I don't want to live life looking in the rear view window I try to look at the past to see if I can find traps I fell into which I need to avoid. But alas it's not easy doing this alone. A good historian might be of use on this one.

 

In the meantime, I'm trying with my husband to enhance the positives and shun the negatives. There won't be sex, and even though it's the most apparent problem it has become secondary to feelings of guilt my husband has in my regard and avoidance of dialogue on the matter or physical contact lest it be interpreted as sexual interest etc. One hell of a downward spiral.

 

So, I'm trying to start afresh. Making him understand we are what we are. Trying to aim for achievable goals one at a time. No more guilt or hurt. Can we give each other enough to feel alive again? We'll see.

 

Good luck with your plight and keep reading on Aven. I think it helps a lot.

If I look for him and after most of the time some work on my side,he say he likes it.After reading a lot post in here,I can related my self,all this pain I have,anger,mixed feelings,don't know what to do and loss,grief is intense.I'm on complicated situation due to fact we have kids and I do love him,but sometimes I think loving him hurts.I did read a book in love with asexual,and it doesn't get better,and the suggestion is complicated.I feel is a constant battle,this week I spoke with him and I said,we will stay together but don't expect affection I can't give that to you,not mean I don't love you,but I'm hurt really hurt,and when I want sex I will look and we stay like this,I'm tired of having the same fights.

Is not hardest thing in my life.

[banoffeepie]

On 11/19/2021 at 4:59 PM, Lonely2021 said:

My partner is asexual but he enjoys sex when he gets it.We have been having issues for over 2 year's,I tried everything,to help him or us.I'm really done looking for him all the time and I hate the feeling I'm more like a chore or when he is up to,I became distant physically,no kiss or hugs,only when I want sex.My anxiety got pretty bad and I started feeling depressed.I love him so much,but this is killing me.I'm not open to a open relationship,I hate the feeling I want to feel wanted by him,I can feel wanted by a lot men but no the way I want by him,I don't like to satisfie my self when I have a person who we could enjoy each other,it hurts me.I hate the idea of schedule sex it disgusting to me,someone will do it,but is not part of him or part of our life,more like to get it over.We have a family now and he is great

I have been to therapy, how do you guys manage to stay?

 

Wow, I've been on the other end of this as a reluctant sexual partner of an allosexual wife. I totally understand that you need to feel sexually desired. My wife was everything I could adore and we had very romantic times. But sex was for her not me. Not wanting sex wasn't a rejection of her. I loved her more than anything and I could appreciate that she was sexually attractive. I think as asexuals we find it difficult to appreciate that having sex and desiring our partner sexually could possibly be a deal-breaker. How could something so trivial mean you want to throw away the relationship that is so valuable to us in other ways? But I do get it. I thought I was being so thoughtful and accommodating having sex about once a month!!! 

We didn't talk enough about it. I will say that. It's a shame that after the divorce I am now prepared to communicate much more openly with complete strangers than I ever was with my wife. It's just about what you're used to and I learned to speak openly from social media interactions after the separation. 

If sex is a deal breaker you may have to find a different path. If it isn't find out if he really loves you passionately regardless of sex and make a decision that doesn't leave him feeling useless. As I loved the affection I couldn't have tolerated losing that. It's a minefield I'm afraid.

[Guest]

I wonder if he's asexual if he likes it. Or if there are other issues. Understanding what is going on is key I think. Here's why ...

My personal experience is that my husband went off sex completely 25 years ago and the meaning I read into it was a complete rejection of me. Yet he loved me to bits and I knew he did.

I don't think sex itself is the main issue but understanding why the rejection was/is.

The discussions on this point were ongoing. So was his therapy. I was continuously reassured in words that he'd snap out of it. His therapist never mentioned asexuality.

My husband has felt guilt ridden for not keeping up his part of the marriage contract.  Not made any easier from me venting my frustrations.  I have had roller coaster emotions which have been really exhausting. So it's been crap for the both of us. 

Bottom line is we love each other. We've lived apart for a decade but we've always been together. We enjoy each other's company. But this dark cloud was becoming really oppressive. Especially since we were speaking a different language ( I don't think sexuals can understand asexuals or vice versa in terms of what they feel about sex) and we were also speaking without knowing so totally hopeless.

 

I know if I left he'd be gutted but understand. I also know I wouldn't find anyone else who had all his other qualities (I've travelled the world so I know what I'm talking about).

I now know that he's asexual. But more importantly I think he's acknowledging this too. I understand that he really wasn't/isn't rejecting me as he claimed all along. (Difficult to understand if you didn't know asexuality existed). I'm reassuring him that it's noone's fault. Not his not mine. No more discussions about sex...

 

So, I'm now ready for other conversations or discussions( hope not).

It's not the same conversation again again and it's certainly not about sex which for me meant desirability, closeness, comfort, enjoyment, release, life, etc..

Now I can accept who we are and how life can go on with a clean slate.

Maybe together maybe not. But it's worth trying to understand each other first.

Early days yet for me as my eyes were open to asexuality only a few months ago and I've got 30 years to clear up. 

So from me try and understand first and then move on from there.

Banoffeepie, maybe sex was not the deal breaker but the conversation. I wonder?

[Lonely2021]

17 hours ago, banoffeepie said:

Wow, I've been on the other end of this as a reluctant sexual partner of an allosexual wife. I totally understand that you need to feel sexually desired. My wife was everything I could adore and we had very romantic times. But sex was for her not me. Not wanting sex wasn't a rejection of her. I loved her more than anything and I could appreciate that she was sexually attractive. I think as asexuals we find it difficult to appreciate that having sex and desiring our partner sexually could possibly be a deal-breaker. How could something so trivial mean you want to throw away the relationship that is so valuable to us in other ways? But I do get it. I thought I was being so thoughtful and accommodating having sex about once a month!!! 

We didn't talk enough about it. I will say that. It's a shame that after the divorce I am now prepared to communicate much more openly with complete strangers than I ever was with my wife. It's just about what you're used to and I learned to speak openly from social media interactions after the separation. 

If sex is a deal breaker you may have to find a different path. If it isn't find out if he really loves you passionately regardless of sex and make a decision that doesn't leave him feeling useless. As I loved the affection I couldn't have tolerated losing that. It's a minefield I'm afraid.

I feel is hard to manage affection in my side and not expect nothing else.

We do communicate a lot,sometimes it's even exhausting, I hope if you find someone tell the person the truth for them to not feel they got into something unknown and feeling stuck.I'm really attractive person and he says that,but that's about it.

[Lonely2021]

14 hours ago, Dumb said:

I wonder if he's asexual if he likes it. Or if there are other issues. Understanding what is going on is key I think. Here's why ...

My personal experience is that my husband went off sex completely 25 years ago and the meaning I read into it was a complete rejection of me. Yet he loved me to bits and I knew he did.

I don't think sex itself is the main issue but understanding why the rejection was/is.

The discussions on this point were ongoing. So was his therapy. I was continuously reassured in words that he'd snap out of it. His therapist never mentioned asexuality.

My husband has felt guilt ridden for not keeping up his part of the marriage contract.  Not made any easier from me venting my frustrations.  I have had roller coaster emotions which have been really exhausting. So it's been crap for the both of us. 

Bottom line is we love each other. We've lived apart for a decade but we've always been together. We enjoy each other's company. But this dark cloud was becoming really oppressive. Especially since we were speaking a different language ( I don't think sexuals can understand asexuals or vice versa in terms of what they feel about sex) and we were also speaking without knowing so totally hopeless.

 

I know if I left he'd be gutted but understand. I also know I wouldn't find anyone else who had all his other qualities (I've travelled the world so I know what I'm talking about).

I now know that he's asexual. But more importantly I think he's acknowledging this too. I understand that he really wasn't/isn't rejecting me as he claimed all along. (Difficult to understand if you didn't know asexuality existed). I'm reassuring him that it's noone's fault. Not his not mine. No more discussions about sex...

 

So, I'm now ready for other conversations or discussions( hope not).

It's not the same conversation again again and it's certainly not about sex which for me meant desirability, closeness, comfort, enjoyment, release, life, etc..

Now I can accept who we are and how life can go on with a clean slate.

Maybe together maybe not. But it's worth trying to understand each other first.

Early days yet for me as my eyes were open to asexuality only a few months ago and I've got 30 years to clear up. 

So from me try and understand first and then move on from there.

Banoffeepie, maybe sex was not the deal breaker but the conversation. I wonder?

Asexual can feel sexual attraction and like sex if they have a connection with the person,there's a spectrum of asexuality.He enjoy but he doesn't looking forward for sex or many others things,I only look for him once a month because I really need,the worse part is I do really love him and this makes it hard to plan life without him,since he has so many others qualities.I reach the point I'm tired talking about sex,we will act life friends and no more sex talk,because isn't going anywhere and is pretty annoying and frustrating,but I asked him to not expect much affection from me because it's hard for me to kiss and hug,and know that's about it.

Wow 30 years that's long.

[Guest]

Hi Lonely2021,

Interesting that you are the one backing off from cuddles and affection.

Am I right in understanding that you're tired of initiating things so you'd rather stop everything? 

It feels a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face so I'm sure I've got that wrong.

If his response is positive I'd just keep at it. Exhausting as it may seem. 

So difficult to say when you're not in the situation yourself. My last comment is probably presumptuous.

 

As for me it was my husband who backed off thinking he was leading me on. But as I'm a very physical person it just rubbed me the wrong way. I felt I wasn't worthy of anything.

Sex for me is very much a binary intercourse (excuse the pun) where you give and take. If I'm not giving any pleasure, what's the point? Which is not your case right?

 

Hopefully the cuddles are starting to come back.

We need to work on this together.

 

Thought. Are your conditions adding yet another layer?

Also, the fact you're attractive is probably even more damning, you see others attracted to you but not your man. At least that's what it's felt like for me. 

 

30 years is a long time. I think the hardest was when I was still fertile. I'm not saying I'm at peace with my carnal desires but they have really dampened after menopause.

 

I'm not sure I fully understand your situation but it's good for me to get different angles on things. In particular, I hear you when you say I'm sick of talking about sex. Which before this epiphany was exactly what I was sick of.  But now that it's off the table isn't it good to know that that won't be the issue any more? 

Don't get me wrong I'd be ecstatic if my husband were sexual with me of course, but that's not going to happen ever. 

If I can be happy with him fine if not we need to find other solutions, but I would really hate it if conditions were imposed on me. That would really make me run.

[banoffeepie]

On 11/22/2021 at 11:35 PM, Dumb said:

Banoffeepie, maybe sex was not the deal breaker but the conversation. I wonder?

I think that's right. I didn't know about asexuality until after the separation as I tried to make sense of it all. So there were no conversations about it as I had no explanation. I think it could have worked with more communication and knowledge. Although the biggest stumbling block remains that a woman needs to feel sexually attractive. Being with an asexual is not the same as being with someone who is sexual but finds you sexually unattractive. Getting over that dissonance would be the biggest step to a happier future.

[Guest]

Spot on banoffeepie. I hope it's working out for you.

I may get back to you about some  advice on talking with my asexual husband. Let me know if that's okay.

Take care.

 

[banoffeepie]

2 hours ago, Dumb said:

Spot on banoffeepie. I hope it's working out for you.

I may get back to you about some  advice on talking with my asexual husband. Let me know if that's okay.

Take care.

 

Absolutely, happy to share thoughts 🙂

[MrDane]

First you need to come to terms with the fact that he will never need or want you. If sex can be nice for him, and if can enjoy making you sexually happy, then that is a good thing. 
I am not a big fan of schedules, but putting sex in a plan, makes me relax and feel certain it is going to happen. I have spend decades on trying to find the rigth way/moment/approach,  and this seems to be the best solution.

[MidwestJoe]

I don’t have any advice.  Just wanted to thank you for sharing.  I feel like we’re in the same situation.  If you figure it out let me know. 

[brbdogsonfire]

Most people just are not suitable for a mixed relationship.  It sounds like OP is a person that it will not work for unfortunately. 

 

I'm a sexual in a mixed relationship, and I am perfectly content in my relationship and so are they. I also have a much lower sex drive than normal and a much higher need for physical closeness so things like cuddling and backrubs helps me a lot. When there is the occasional sex in my relationship we do plan it well in advance.  A lot of people also feel "neglected " for not being sexually desired, while I feel desired by her in other more important ways to me.