How to not doom my relationship? Hoplessish Gray+ultrasexual sweetiegirl

[FastForward]

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years now (after being close friends for 2 years) and really worried that I’ll mess it up somehow since I don’t feel like I understand sexuality very well. I’ve always dreamed of living life with someone like her and want to do everything I can to not doom it like I usually do. I’m gray-sexual/ demisexual, but also super romantic and loving, and learned through my current relationship that I can experience responsive desire, but don’t have any other sexual feelings that I’m aware of. 

 

—> Before reading this forum I didn’t realize there were definitions/communities for these types of sexualities, btw! I just thought there was something majorly, innately wrong with me. I’m glad I apparently don’t have a disorder. 

 

I’m female, 33, attractive, confident, emotionally stable, enthusiastic, extremely positive and high energy, practical, intellectual, curious, problem solving, complexity-seeking type personality. Non-religious. Successful in business and life. Very extroverted and friendly but love to research, learn and work way more than to be social. I have stereotypically male interests but I’m very feminine in style a have a clearly female gender identity. The only plague in my life is the way my lack of sexuality has been constantly hurtful to me and anyone I’ve been in a relationship with. I don’t mind my lack of sexuality inherently. It would be pretty great if sex didn’t exist and we could just  happily be and get on with life. But I love romance and really love my partner. 

 

I was in 3 relationships as a teen, all of which I ruined by not being able to be sexual enough/not understanding what sexuality was, why I was different or why it was such a problem. In that relationship, despite feeling in love for short while, I was hopelessly apathetic sexually. It felt like a curse to me, that no matter how kind, supportive and loving I was as a partner, or how much I tried to participate normally in sex, the person would fairly quickly see my defect and become inexplicably and irreparably emotionally disturbed, till one of us had the nerve to end it. 

 

I felt, and still do frequently feel like an alien since it doesn’t make sense to me why this whole thing about bodies and (kinda gross, but not terribly gross) genitalia is so paramount. Why does it seem like humans just walk around thinking about their parts all the time? 😂

 

I’ve never had attraction to anyone physically, never saw a stranger and thought that they’re sexy. I do appreciate beauty in an artistic sense. Never successfully fantasized (tried many times, doesn’t work, seems boring, I’d rather think about circuit board design or literally anything), tried masturbating a few times— it feels good but it’s nothing I’d be motivated to do. It also kind of stirs up self hate, as in why even bother with myself if I seem to be pretty sexually hopeless. I’ve always been open minded about sex, I don’t have shame feelings or really any feelings about peoples preferences or stuff they do or want to do. In my brief relationships I willingly but unconvincingly participated in sex, with openness to try anything, hoping I might get “fixed” my stumbling across something that makes me feel something. If I described my sexuality predicament to my partners or friends, they’d think I was trying to be … pure, or superior or something like that. So many times I explained that I don’t see any merit in it, it’s just a trait, I was just born like this, I wouldn’t choose it. 

 

Over the course of a 2 year friendship with my partner I got hopeful that it could work with her since we share so many traits and values, that might be powerful enough to override the sex thing. She’s excessively intelligent, successful and not emotionally unstable or insecure, which I figured would help. I also found myself wishing I could get closer to her and make her feel good through romance and sex also. 

 

My partner is very beautiful physically and is as perfect as a human being can get in every other way too. I appreciate her aesthetically very much and we have a great emotional bond. 

 

She’s a really sexual person. Knows lots of things and feels lots of desire and wants me to have ideas and desires too. I enjoy sex with her a lot,  because I love everything about her passionately and never get tired of finding ways to make her feel good. It’s been 3 years and I’ve felt like that consistently. I don’t get bored in sex like I used to. I’m interested in everything she wants and likes, it’s a privilege to be the one to make her feel special and sexy and to have such a work of art by my side, also. Intimately, she pretty and cute and fascinating. 

 

To me, it’s all about her though. For me, I don’t care one way or the other about sex and actually don’t understand the intrinsic motivation or why people find certain things “sexy” or turn ons, especially if it’s something people wouldn’t like normally in life, like a sexual dominant/submissive dynamic, bondage, pain, etc. I absolutely can’t fathom wanting to be in a submissive role, sounds like a nightmare to me!! My partner doesn’t want me in a submissive role, thankfully. Dominant seems much less hard since you have control then but I don’t get the mentality. It seems like I’m too serious, straightforward… boring, to understand. I only understand things like “beautiful, loving, comforting, fun, interesting, admirable, feels good, is cute,” etc. I’ve read hours and hours of material about sex in general with different focuses— regular stuff, spirituality and tantra, BDSM, LBGTQ+ stuff. I don’t understand how to be attracted or turned on by someone or something. The only way I understand is love and feeling happy and excited that the person I love feels good. 

 

My partner says it feels one sided if I don’t have any desires of my own. She has a hard time opening up to me sometimes, feeling embarrassed since even though I am accepting and positive, I don’t exactly understand and can’t reciprocate with my own preferences and desires. Also, there’s the problem of that when we try things she likes that aren’t just the most generic basic simple loving/affection based sex formula, I can do the sequence of actions but I don’t get the mentality quite right. For example, she’d like if I were playfully dominant sometimes. I’ve read and watched videos on how to do that. I try but get the details wrong, the vibe is off. Maybe it’s always slightly off. How would I know? I feel like I’m blind and trying to appreciate art by clumsily fingering it, while critiquing it with sighted people who are looking at it. 

 

She says I shouldn’t worry too much about it and when she sees I’m super disappointed in myself she says she that exploring sexuality doesn’t have to be so important to her and she can put it out of her mind. She is very caring and considerate of me. 

 

But I know it’s fundamental to her! And, that’s normal! I know that it’s extremely important to most people. I don’t want her to “put it out of her mind”. I want her to be herself completely and fully. She deserves someone she can experience life fully with. I’ll be devastated if it can’t be me, or if she ends up repressing herself or never fully knowing herself in order to stay with me. 

 

So, a few questions: 

 

Is this relationship fair to my partner? 

Has anyone been like me and fixed it, or at least fixed the negative effects on their partner somehow?

Anyone have a relationship like this that lasted and is happy?

Any tips for how to not hurt feelings? When I explain how I feel/am, she usually ends up feeling bad because my type of love and appreciation doesn’t fulfill the emotional need to appreciated for sexiness. Is it better to explain or not to explain? 

Anyone have have any idea how to be better?

Is there a name /category for my sexuality type? 

 

I wish I didn’t have to try so hard and I wish it weren’t so confusing. Just when I think I’ve got it right I find out something is still missing from my partner’s perspective. She’s very kind empathetic about it and even tries not to let on btw. What if someday I revert to being completely asexual as I think I was before our relationship? Is it like a trick or a trap for her to try to be together? 

[Mountain House]

4 hours ago, FastForward said:

Is this relationship fair to my partner? 

The question to ask is if this relationship is fulfilling for your partner. The answer can come only from your partner.

 

4 hours ago, FastForward said:

Has anyone been like me and fixed it, or at least fixed the negative effects on their partner somehow?

You have nothing to fix. Embrace the authentic you. You cannot make your partner feel. That is for them to work out.

 

4 hours ago, FastForward said:

Anyone have a relationship like this that lasted and is happy?

I'm not exactly sure how to answer this. I've been married 39 years. We're happy. We've found our rhythm.

 

4 hours ago, FastForward said:

Any tips for how to not hurt feelings?

You should be honest and open. You have no control of your partner's feelings. Their feelings are rightfully theirs. Honesty and openness pays a much bigger dividend than protecting a partner by hiding.

 

4 hours ago, FastForward said:

Is it better to explain or not to explain?

Explain

 

4 hours ago, FastForward said:

Anyone have have any idea how to be better?

Revel in each other's authentic selves. Love yourself for who you are.

 

4 hours ago, FastForward said:

Is there a name /category for my sexuality type?

Does it matter? You've identified as being on the asexual spectrum. Good enough.

 

4 hours ago, FastForward said:

I wish I didn’t have to try so hard and I wish it weren’t so confusing.

Don't do anything you don't want to do. Talk to your partner about activities you enjoy.

 

4 hours ago, FastForward said:

Is it like a trick or a trap for her to try to be together?

It can't be a trap if you are completely honest and open and she chooses it. You shouldn't be lighting yourself on fire to keep her warm. Her fulfillment at the cost of yours isn't a happy way to live.  If you are performing in a way that is actually uncomfortable for you, you may be leading your partner on and she may be holding on to a hope that will never materialize.  She won't know she is doing this.

 

You get to design your relationship and that begins when you are each able to communicate honestly and openly about what you need in this relationship.

 

Let her read your post. Give her the gift of truth. Work on your relationship from that.

 

[uhtred]

I think in any situation like this, an open, honest conversation with her is a really good idea.  I don't think you want to live a lie of letting her think your feelings toward sex are different than they are.    You need to find out what matters to her.  Maybe your being happy to doin things to please her is completely fine,  just as she may be happy to do non-sexual things to please you.   But maybe for her being sexually desired matters more than the sex itself. 

 

Once you know what matters to each of you, what each of you needs to be happy, you can decide if there is a path to your being happy together. 

[FastForward]

To clarify a bit, I never act or do anything very much outside my comfort zone or lead her to think believe things that aren’t authentic. I would feel like a bad person if I did something like that, contrary to my own ethics of honesty. I do try my best to be open minded and push my boundaries a little to see if it’s possible for me to experience feelings that I’m unfamiliar with. That’s just because of my own belief that human minds are somewhat flexible, has a great capacity for learning and change if open to it,  and maybe I’m capable of things of more than I think. I think you guys are very correct that I should explain even if I immediately regret explaining, since full truth is essential for trust. 

 

I think this is golden insight, uhtred: “But maybe for her being sexually desired matters more than the sex itself.”

The advice you guys gave is very helpful, encouraging, and helps remove some guilt. 
 

mountain house, I’m very happy to know that you’ve had a long and fulfilling marriage. That’s very inspiring! Thanks for sharing, I wish you the best!

 

[FastForward]

Also, I’m not really looking for a name for this sexuality type for the sake of having a label, I just thought it might come in handy as an info /advice seeking keyword.

[moonphases]

Hi FastForward, I also have a successful mixed sexuality marriage of 10 years. The key, as others have stated is communication and honesty. The more you let her into your head, the better she understands where and who you are and vise versa. There's nothing wrong with the way either you feel about sex and it's so great that you are so open to trying just about anything with her. This allows you both to find lots of options that are a win for the both of you and the journey finding those things doesn't have to be stressful or full of worry. They can be an adventure that both of you enjoy if you are open with one another.