Feeling undesired from partner

[Dman15]

How is it you feel not desired if they decide to engage in the act? I’m sure for some they feel forced but others surely aren’t in it out of obligation or just pleasing their partner without getting their own. That from all the stories I hear from you guys about connections, it seems like the only way this is possible for you is just the physical aspect. Correct me if I’m wrong but what about the mental aspect? We can’t get pleasure from giving it to another? 
 

Then there’s the want. If I were in that spot one day, Why wouldn’t I not want you at worst waste all that time getting to know you just for that to be the dealbreaker? Yes I want to do stuff with you and I know you like those things. I’m not feeling obligated to do this, I chose it so it had to be a want in a way. 
 

all this questioning makes me sound like a Demi 

[Ceebs]

29 minutes ago, Dman15 said:

How is it you feel not desired if they decide to engage in the act?

Imagine you're a massive fan of a particular band, and there's a concert coming up that you want to attend. You've bought two tickets -- one for yourself and one for someone else, but you don't know who yet. You have two friends; let's call them... oh I dunno, Susan and George? Sure. Hi, Susan and George. Welcome to AVEN!

 

Anyway. Moving along from me amusing myself here. Susan and George are both really good friends of yours, you like spending time with them equally, and they're both available on the evening of this event.

 

Susan really likes to do stuff for other people to make them happy. She's heard of this band before, recognises a few of their songs when they come on the radio, but she's not a big fan herself. But she does enjoy doing things with her friends, she likes you a lot, and you know if you asked her, she'd be willing to go.

 

George likes to do stuff to make his friends happy as well. Unlike Susan though, George is a huge fan. Actually, that's one of the things you two bonded over when you first met. You know this band's music means a lot to George. You told him you might be getting some tickets a few months ago, and he said that if you did and were looking for someone to go with, he'd absolutely love to do so.

 

 So who ya taking? Explain why.

[Dman15]

Right, just want to point out that even we aren’t even sure of what counts as sexual attraction. I def don’t cause there’s too many definitions and bad things that overshadow the real info. 

This response made me think. Not trying to persuade you, and that’s real disappointing to think that your not wanted. 
 

like just, wow. Literally can’t even make anymore sentences rn. For the first time, I’m at a loss for words🤨. Hope you get what you want with that other you found.

[Dman15]

@Ceebs.just from thinking about your answer made me think about those ace/ace relationships and how they’re just gonna get looked down on because they prob don’t enjoy that act like you do. Gotta head to Reddit with this one🖖🏼

[Ceebs]

Haha umm, ok. I mean, I'm fine. My current relationship is very happy. I'm on good terms with my ex. Everything's fine.

 

3 minutes ago, Dman15 said:

Right, just want to point out that even we aren’t even sure of what counts as sexual attraction.

Sexual people have an innate desire to have sex with other people. Asexuals don't. Some asexuals are willing to do it (not all; some are averse or repulsed), but not out of an active desire on their own part, for their own enjoyment and as a way they really want to bond and be close with their partner. They're just willing because they want to please the other person.

[Sally]

10 minutes ago, Dman15 said:

Right, just want to point out that even we aren’t even sure of what counts as sexual attraction.

It doesn't matter.  The relevant definition is what Ceebs. said.  Read it.  

[Ceebs]

Just now, Dman15 said:

@Ceebs.just from thinking about your answer made me think about those ace/ace relationships and how they’re just gonna get looked down on because they prob don’t enjoy that act like you do.

Well if both people are asexual and they're both happy, then there's no problem. I'm not sure why anyone would waste energy truly looking down on a happy relationship just because it's different than their own. 

[Dman15]

56 minutes ago, Sally said:

It doesn't matter.  The relevant definition is what Ceebs. said.  Read it.  

Kinda late on that. Also why wouldn’t it matter so people can be more confused?

[Dman15]

1 hour ago, Ceebs. said:

Haha umm, ok. I mean, I'm fine. My current relationship is very happy. I'm on good terms with my ex. Everything's fine.

 

Sexual people have an innate desire to have sex with other people. Asexuals don't. Some asexuals are willing to do it (not all; some are averse or repulsed), but not out of an active desire on their own part, for their own enjoyment and as a way they really want to bond and be close with their partner. They're just willing because they want to please the other person.

So we can’t seek enjoyment and be close is what your saying? Never knew I was heartless💔. JK, I see why you thinking like this now. For me I can’t relate to how you do and like bi booty, but all those stories I hear from you guys about two souls bonding and becoming one sounds great. Having fun and finding pleasure, even being close… all that is nice and only doing it to please the other? What about me? Why can’t I get in on it? 
 

we need to keep this going. I’m finding out more about myself cause nobody usually speaks on stuff like this! Might be Demi for sure

[Ceebs]

23 minutes ago, Dman15 said:

So we can’t seek enjoyment and be close is what your saying? Never knew I was heartless💔.

Definitely didn't say or mean anything like that. I know you said you were kidding, but... to be clear, yeah, not what I said for sure.

 

Sexual-asexual relationships can be difficult, though. No one is at fault. There's no wrong way to be.

 

23 minutes ago, Dman15 said:

For me I can’t relate to how you do and like bi booty

I'm not entirely sure what you mean haha, sorry. I think I've mentioned I'm not a highly visual person myself, so I'm not really, er, checking out 'bi booty' lol. 
 

23 minutes ago, Dman15 said:

but all those stories I hear from you guys about two souls bonding and becoming one sounds great. Having fun and finding pleasure, even being close… all that is nice and only doing it to please the other? What about me? Why can’t I get in on it? 

Umm... well if you're asexual, it's just not innate to you and that's ok. If you're demi, that's fine too. I'm not sure what else to say. You are, of course, welcome to pursue relationships with others. Just always be honest about your own desires and preferences.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Dman15 said:

So we can’t seek enjoyment and be close is what your saying? Never knew I was heartless💔. JK

Asexuals seek enjoyment and closeness in other ways. @Ceebs. certainly never implied aces can't seek enjoyment and closeness, they just don't do that through sex of course.

 

3 hours ago, Dman15 said:

but all those stories I hear from you guys about two souls bonding and becoming one sounds great. Having fun and finding pleasure, even being close… all that is nice and only doing it to please the other? What about me? Why can’t I get in on it? 

Well do you desire to or not? If you desire closeness and pleasure through sex - then that's totally valid and common, it's now most non-asexual feel at least some of the time.

 

If you're ace, then you seek that pleasure and closeness in other ways if you desire to feel intimacy. Sex isn't an amazing bonding experience for someone who doesn't desire it. But something else other than sex may way be deeply intimate and pleasurable for an asexual person

[Traveler40]

To follow on with the analogy: If you don’t much enjoy going to concerts, but find fulfillment watching movies, then it’s best to seek partners who prefer movies. The alternative is infinitely more draining and complicated.
 

For those that love going to concerts, finding partners who find that fulfilling will make a better life journey.  -> Especially when they find attending concerts at least once per week integral to their well being.

 

Uh, @ceebs, good one. I had to run with it.  🤣

 

Edit: I keep thinking, “Team George” Haha  That may be a new thing. Thanks for that. 

[R66forM]

3 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Especially when they find attending concerts at least once per week integral to their well being.

Understanding this is key to managing a mixed marriage.   Both partners...and 1 inherently understands.

[Dman15]

7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

To follow on with the analogy: If you don’t much enjoy going to concerts, but find fulfillment watching movies, then it’s best to seek partners who prefer movies. The alternative is infinitely more draining and complicated.
 

For those that love going to concerts, finding partners who find that fulfilling will make a better life journey.  -> Especially when they find attending concerts at least once per week integral to their well being.

 

Uh, @ceebs, good one. I had to run with it.  🤣

 

Edit: I keep thinking, “Team George” Haha  That may be a new thing. Thanks for that. 

No I got what she meant. Clearly, and I got more opinions from other sources about us. Now it’s just me with a whole mystery of figuring myself out of where I fall on the spectrum. I’ll make another post in the other ace forums. Also do any of you know if we can PM here?

[Ceebs]

There is the ability to send members private messages if you go to their profile, yes. Unless they have that function turned off.

[MrDane]

‘Touch responsive’, getting a back-rub/-massage though they felt no need for it.