Hey there allos who and what are you

[Dman15]

I just wanted to know what went on in your head when you met or interacted with someone who’s on the aspec. Also would like to know if your queer and what do you think of us and building relationships. After a few months of looking on Reddit post among all, I can clearly describe my label and how I can make something work between someone. 

[coderedclover]

I wanna know this too, so I'm following!

[Ceebs]

Um, well I spent a long time questioning my own sexuality, so I've known about asexuality for many years. A couple decades now, or thereabouts. I've been on AVEN for over 17 years. And I was formerly married to a heteroromantic asexual man, who is still a good friend. The marriage didn't work for a number of reasons, definitely not just his asexuality. And I knew he was asexual (although for a while he thought he might be demisexual) when we married. Like I say, I spent a long time questioning my own sexuality in various ways, and at the time we met, I wasn't even sure how important sex was to me and wasn't clear yet on what I wanted and needed. It was my first serious, committed relationship with anyone. It's no one's fault that it didn't work; as I mentioned, it definitely wasn't just down to the sexual mismatch. We just make better friends than partners. I think mixed (sexual-asexual) relationships are often difficult because of the sexual mismatch though, and for some people it does end up being the primary reason it doesn't work.

 

What do I think of asexuals? Just that... you're people, like we all are, and part of human sexual diversity. That's about it, I suppose. Otherwise, asexuals are all individuals, so I'm not going to say anything in particular any more than I would about all straight people or all gay people. 
 

Am I queer myself? Well, I'm bisexual, if what you're asking is whether we're something other than heterosexual. I've had male and female partners. I don't personally identify with the word 'queer', though; it just doesn't feel like a word I'd use to describe anything about my sexuality. But if it's being used synonymously with 'LGBTQ+', then I guess technically I am.

 

1 hour ago, Dman15 said:

After a few months of looking on Reddit post among all, I can clearly describe my label and how I can make something work between someone. 

How do you mean?

[Guest]

I don't really like the term 'allo' personally, haha, I'm just 'not asexual'. Technically I probably fall more in the grey area but meh, it's only a technicality.

 

I ended up on AVEN because I thought I was asexual for a veeeery long time. Back when I was having sex (like a decade ago now) I found I never really enjoyed it, didn't really enjoy it, and just went along with it. I had it again for the first time since 2011 just the other day (I was drunk, sigh), and it felt the same as it always did, lol, like nothing and I just waited for it to be over, and tried to pretend to be more into than I was in the hopes the other person would leave faster  

 

However, I know I am not ace because if I have an emotional connection with someone then I can genuinely desire sexual intimacy with them - it's just for me those connections are extremely rare and predominantly develop for fictional characters or rarely people online. Hasn't as yet happened with anyone I have known in-person (I'm 33 but that doesn't really matter much in the grand scheme of things)

 

Edit I forgot to say while I don't identify with LGBT i'm not 'straight' - the person I was with the other day was a female and I've been with plenty of females before (I am female-bodied). i just sort of float around in the confused region of not really knowing how to identify when it comes to sexuality and sexual orientation, haha.

 

I'm so tired right now so this probably doesn't make any sense sorry!

[Guest]

Oh also, I relate better to asexuals than I ever have with anyone else, hence why I am still on AVEN after all these years even though I no longer ID as ace  

[Ceebs]

2 minutes ago, PanFicto. said:

I don't really like the term 'allo' personally

Same, yeah. Apparently I'm reaching the point where I can't be arsed to say so anymore, though. 🙃

 

But yes, lots of us just prefer 'sexual'.

[coderedclover]

5 minutes ago, PanFicto. said:

However, I know I am not ace because if I have an emotional connection with someone then I can genuinely desire sexual intimacy with them - it's just for me those connections are extremely rare and predominantly develop for fictional characters or rarely people online. Hasn't as yet happened with anyone I have known in-person (I'm 33 but that doesn't really matter much in the grand scheme of things)

This kinda reminds me of fictosexual (which I had pointed out to me because I only develop feelings for fictional characters)

 

However, if a fictional character I liked came to life, I'd probably turn them down lmaooo

[Ceebs]

10 minutes ago, PanFicto. said:

if I have an emotional connection with someone then I can genuinely desire sexual intimacy with them - it's just for me those connections are extremely rare and predominantly develop for fictional characters

Out of curiosity (this isn't a criticism; I'm genuinely wondering because I don't think I've ever been capable of feeling sexual desire for someone who isn't real), how do you define 'an emotional connection' with a fictional character? I think I might describe something like that as an emotional attachment rather than a connection. In my head at least, a connection requires something mutual and reciprocal, which isn't possible for fictional characters to experience for real people.

[coderedclover]

Just now, Ceebs. said:

Out of curiosity (this isn't a criticism; I'm genuinely wondering because I don't think I've ever been capable of feeling sexual desire for someone who isn't real), how do you define 'an emotional connection' with a fictional character? I think I might describe something like that as an emotional attachment rather than a connection. In my head at least, a connection requires something mutual and reciprocal, which isn't possible for fictional characters. 

I create my own story in my head with a self insert character. None of it is canon obviously, but I like to develop characters in their own scenario with storylines.

[SilenceRadio]

1 minute ago, Ceebs. said:

Out of curiosity (this isn't a criticism; I'm genuinely wondering because I don't think I've ever been capable of feeling sexual desire for someone who isn't real), how do you define 'an emotional connection' with a fictional character? I think I might describe something like that as an emotional attachment rather than a connection. In my head at least, a connection requires something mutual and reciprocal, which isn't possible for fictional characters. 

Daydreaming and some imagination, perhaps? I dunno.

[coderedclover]

3 minutes ago, SilenceRadio said:

Daydreaming and some imagination, perhaps? I dunno.

Yeah! I'm pretty much in my own head almost all the time, why not build a relationship there?

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Out of curiosity (this isn't a criticism; I'm genuinely wondering because I don't think I've ever been capable of feeling sexual desire for someone who isn't real), how do you define 'an emotional connection' with a fictional character? I think I might describe something like that as an emotional attachment rather than a connection. In my head at least, a connection requires something mutual and reciprocal, which isn't possible for fictional characters to experience for real people.

I understand, I will try my best to explain!

 

I've had emotional attachments that were un-reciprocated, and they HURT LIKE A BITCH, like I am talking repeated attempts to... 'end things' because a boy I fell for online when I was 14 didn't reciprocate my feelings. It took me like 4 years to fully get over him, even though I only spoke with him in text on and off over a period of two weeks and never heard his voice or saw him on cam or anything, and then he blocked me because I was ...being too intense and crazy I suppose, sigh. I feel badly head over heels in 'limerence'? from the moment I heard his name (hadn't even seen or spoken to him at that point) and couldn't get him out of my head or heart from that moment on for years. I was in so much pain I'd wake up already crying as I awoke (like before my eyes were even open the tears would be spilling out), and would break down in tears constantly, and hurt myself badly and repeatedly to try to deal with the pain. That is what an un-reciprocated emotional attachment feels like for me.

 

When it comes to fictional characters (I need to keep this brief as I have to be up in a few hours and haven't gone to bed yet, nuuu) I will try to explain as best i can so maybe it can make more sense?

 

- I begin to realize there are emotions stirring inside me for a certain person/ being. It always creeps up on me. I start off not even noticing them, then something 'blooms' and they begin to glow.. they begin to turn me on.. I start feeling things. (This has been from a very, very young age - like my earliest memories). It can happen in books, movies, and TV shows.

 

- A new character 'comes into being' who is a part of the fictional character's world and slots neatly into the canon of that world, but like in a slightly different dimension. The new character has a genealogy, a history, and ties into the story of the ..er.. 'love interest'.. easily in a way that means they have always been in that world. It doesn't feel 'new' by that point. The 'new' person is the sort of person that the 'love interest' could potentially fall for, even if that means I really don't like much about the new character. What's important isn't me or my feelings or my morals anymore. What's important is that the new person is worthy enough 'bait' for the 'object of interest' to be drawn to, even in taboo cases that I personally do not agree with.

 

- i am like a blind person hiding inside the new person, but I can 'feel' everything they are experiencing. So I feed off the intense energy of the two of them being thrust together in a way that is often out of their control. I myself don't have a lot of control over what happens either as it has to slot into the canon of the story in a way that means other characters are not affected by what happens. Very little is allowed to 'change' in the cannon world.. if too much changes this stops working.

 

- I experience the feelings of the intense reciprocated desire/lust/romance etc vicariously through the 'new' person. That also means I have to feel their anger, pain, frustration etc, and am often angry at them because i myself would do things very differently a lot of the time, but their actions are out of my control. What matters is I FEEL their deep, crushing connection that consumes me.. I can live inside it. It fills me up and satisfies me in a way no other connection ever has.

 

- the only thing that leaves me feeling slightly empty is my aphantasia, meaning I cannot see any of what is happening :c I have to make myself content with the feelings. I feel it all physically as well as emotionally, but yeah it's like being a blind person trapped inside someone else but connected to all their emotional and physical nerve endings.

 

- This isn't like a fan fiction or something for me.. it literally happens on its own very organically and always has ever since I was very young, and it plays out in what feels like another dimensional space. I never had any control over it exactly (though often am left to research details about the world for my own clarity, even though the characters themselves already understand it all).. I can't stop it even though I tried sometimes in the past.

 

- I can't explain how fulfilling it is though, how 'right' it feels, and how achingly sweet it feels being immersed in those developing feelings and the hot lust and the brutality of it all (it's never gentle). That's my favourite part - when they are getting to know each other. I usually drift away once they establish an actual relationship (if they do), or if things fall apart I still dip back in every now and again when they cross each other's paths if they get that opportunity. Sometimes one or the other of them even dies which is obviously extremely disorienting for a time 😕  I feel this 'connection' with their whole world though (due to the new person being a part of that world).. I grow close to the history and the wars and the other people inhabiting that world (through the new person) and it makes me feel at home and at peace in a way I never have here. And I get to feel the incredible, aching impact of their mutual feelings, the excitement and the comfort of it. It feels more 'mutual', more 'reciprocated' and more 'real' than anything I have ever felt in 'real life' EVEN WHEN I have developed an emotional connection to a 'real person' online who has reciprocated my feelings. That still never feels THIS real to me.

 

It's like my life has two halves. What I experience as 'me' and the other much more exciting half where I can hide inside someone else and bask in their own triumphs and tribulations. The caveat is the blindness, but it's a small price to pay I suppose? 

 

ps I'm sorry this is so far off topic!! I just wanted to try and explain how it feels for me, and how it's not something I have any control over exactly. I'm so tired, so I'm sorry if this is full of typos. @Ceebs. if you actually read all this and have any questions or comments, maybe you could post a status update on my wall about it and I can reply to you when I wake up so this thread doesn't spiral out of control? Only if you have anything to say of course. You probably stopped reading halfway through the first paragraph and I wouldn't blame you  

[Ceebs]

2 minutes ago, PanFicto. said:

You probably stopped reading halfway through the first paragraph and I wouldn't blame you  

Nope I didn't, I read it all haha. Honestly that's quite interesting, and thanks for explaining. Off the top of my head I don't have any immediate questions, but I may well come up with some when I mull it over a little more. I find human brains and our attractions and desires and the ways we connect in general to be fascinating.

 

And get some damn sleep. 😂 

[sundancer]

1 hour ago, Ceebs. said:

Same, yeah. Apparently I'm reaching the point where I can't be arsed to say so anymore, though. 🙃

 

But yes, lots of us just prefer 'sexual'.

Just curious, since I've seen the term "allo" used quite frequently and was never really aware there was any opposition to it, why is the term "sexual" preferable?

[Ceebs]

32 minutes ago, sundancer said:

Just curious, since I've seen the term "allo" used quite frequently and was never really aware there was any opposition to it, why is the term "sexual" preferable?

Here are a couple threads where you can find some pretty extensive discussions on the topic:

 

The Term Allosexual

 

"allosexual" or "sexual"?

[SilenceRadio]

1 hour ago, PanFicto. said:

And I get to feel the incredible, aching impact of their mutual feelings, the excitement and the comfort of it.

I feel like I can relate to that to some extent, minus the fact that I usually always have control.

 

Just now, Ceebs. said:

Here are a couple threads where you can find some pretty extensive discussion on the topic:

 

The Term Allosexual

 

"allosexual" or "sexual"?

Ah, you're linking that mess of a thread! I mean, it's understandable. It's the most recent discussion of the term from what I've seen.

 

9 minutes ago, sundancer said:

Just curious, since I've seen the term "allo" used quite frequently and was never really aware there was any opposition to it, why is the term "sexual" preferable?

It's something I've only really seen happening on AVEN (I mean, people preferring "sexual" over either "allosexual" or "non-ace"). There isn't any official consensus, but most longtime members here use "sexual". The aro community from what I've seen use "allosexual" much more (especially due to alloaros feeling the need to advocate for their existence). Some other ace spaces use both allo and non-ace.

[Dman15]

3 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Am I queer myself? Well, I'm bisexual, if what you're asking is whether we're something other than heterosexual. I've had male and female partners. I don't personally identify with the word 'queer', though; it just doesn't feel like a word I'd use to describe anything about my sexuality. But if it's being used synonymously with 'LGBTQ+', then I guess technically I am.

 

How do you mean?

Hey Ceebs. Yes I was asking if your straight or not as some of us don’t id with lgbt like me. As you being bi I always say we’re so similar yet so different in that our labels aren’t a set definition and there’s a variety among the Bi’s multisexuals and Aspecs. 

 

As for your question about my label. I really consider myself a regular asexual, Im hetero romantic yes I can have romantic, sensual and aesthetic attraction and I’m one of the more sex favorable and neutral aces so I’m more than capable of performing. When it comes to a woman’s body just looking isn’t going to do much. I basically say my aceness is me seeing someone beyond their physical looks, but I’d prefer if you keep yourself healthy as that gives you confidence and I hear a bunch of great stories from other bi booties and that made me appreciate the value of intimacy, but I don’t seek it out.

 

as far as relations never been in one gonna be 24 next month and I just never really explored that romantic side of me yet or the sexual. There’s my two cents

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, Dman15 said:

I basically say my aceness is me seeing someone beyond their physical looks

Just going to point out that sexual people do that too. We're not all just... hot and horny... for others based solely on their looks. To me, even though I can find people attractive in that way, it doesn't even matter that much as long as there's nothing I find outright off-putting about their appearance, and it isn't a factor in whether I truly desire sex with someone. That's based on who they are as an individual.

[Dman15]

6 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Am I queer myself? Well, I'm bisexual, if what you're asking is whether we're something other than heterosexual. I've had male and female partners. I don't personally identify with the word 'queer', though; it just doesn't feel like a word I'd use to describe anything about my sexuality. But if it's being used synonymously with 'LGBTQ+', then I guess technically I am.

 

How do you mean?

Hey Ceebs. Yes I was asking if your straight or not as some of us don’t id with lgbt like me. As you being bi I always say we’re so similar yet so different in that our labels aren’t a set definition and there’s a variety among the Bi’s multisexuals and Aspecs. 

 

As for your question about my label. I really consider myself a regular asexual, Im hetero romantic yes I can have romantic, sensual and aesthetic attraction and I’m one of the more sex favorable and neutral aces so I’m more than capable of performing. When it comes to a woman’s body just looking isn’t going to do much. I basically say my aceness is me seeing someone beyond their physical looks, but I’d prefer if you keep yourself healthy as that gives you confidence and I hear a bunch of great stories from other bi booties and 

1 hour ago, Ceebs. said:

Just going to point out that sexual people do that too. We're not all just... hot and horny... for others based solely on their looks. To me, even though I can find people attractive in that way, it doesn't even matter that much as long as there's nothing I find outright off-putting about their appearance, and it isn't a factor in whether I truly desire sex with someone. That's based on who they are as an individual.

Ok I just see that and the fact I have no problem performing but no attraction to the body is what made me realize I’m not straight. However women’s shape is fascinating considering I’m athletic and then a softer and lower bodily built person that has what I can’t see on myself comes in front of me, a whole radical view. If you have Reddit I’m always on there and wishing to be more on here for more opinions like yours we can learn a bunch from you.

[Dman15]

I forgot been so long since I typed on here that the reply was at the very bottom. 

[Ceebs]

I'm not highly attracted to bodies myself, like just... as a thing in themselves. I find faces attractive, but I'm not as visual as some people are when it comes to body parts that are often sexualised. I don't really check people out in terms of boobs and bums and whatnot. When I'm in a relationship with someone, I do find myself attracted to their body in that more visual turn-on sort of way, but that feeling is very connected to the fact that it's their body specifically.

I can also become physically aroused by porn (but I don't watch it too often, as I prefer interaction with my partner), although that's not actually that I find the bodies themselves super arousing. It's watching people engaged in sexual activity that's the turn-on. The acts themselves more than the people.

[Dman15]

Yes this is what goes on through an aegosexuals head to how they can masturbate. Btw is there something like this website but for the bis? 

[Ceebs]

15 minutes ago, Dman15 said:

Btw is there something like this website but for the bis? 

I don't know. I tried to participate in a bisexual women's forum years ago, about a decade maybe, but the conversations weren't what I was looking for. I was more interested in discussing bisexual identity stuff and experiences/feelings in a more thorough way, and a lot of the posts were people just describing their sexual fantasies or trying to chat others up. I haven't looked too much for communities since, although I follow some subreddits and am in a few Facebook groups.

[Libellule]

I joined AVEN last year because I thought I might be ace. At that time it seemed like the most reasonable explanation for why I felt so disconnected from sex and would have happily gone without it for the rest of my life had I been given an ultimatum. I also thought I had never experienced sexual attraction because of some misconceptions I had about it (I thought it was purely a visual thing). 

Since then, I've learned a lot about myself and I've come to realise that I can indeed feel sexual attraction, though it's much more subtle for me than for the average person, and also that I have a bit of a weird and not always healthy relationship with sex. Which was pretty hard for me to accept but anyways...I think part of the reason why I'm still on here is because to me it feels like a good place to talk about these things. 

 

I consider myself straight as I've only felt attracted to men before. 

[Dman15]

@Libellule how is it unhealthy for you? Also it’s a good thing your on here to talk to others that go through something similar to you

[Libellule]

21 hours ago, Dman15 said:

@Libellule how is it unhealthy for you? Also it’s a good thing your on here to talk to others that go through something similar to you

Well basically I haven't always had sex for the right reasons. I've used it as a coping mechanism to distract myself from bigger things going on in my life, which didn't work and just made me more miserable instead. And I still struggle with some thinking patterns sometimes that I've had for a long time. When I was younger I became somewhat obsessed with the idea that my self-worth was measured by the amount of people who wanted to have sex with me, at the same time thinking that if I had a lot of sex partners that number would make me somehow less of a person. It took me quite a while to realise how nonsense this concept as a whole is and that I would never hold other people to these standards so I shouldn't apply them to myself either, but yeah even now that I have a much healthier mindset I catch myself thinking something among those lines occasionally. 

[Ceebs]

3 hours ago, Libellule said:

When I was younger I became somewhat obsessed with the idea that my self-worth was measured by the amount of people who wanted to have sex with me

I still have it in my head a bit that the actual number of partners I've had says something about my value as a sexual person. As in, the more the better.

 

One thing helped counter that a bit, though. I have an ex who's had far more sexual partners than I ever have, or ever will given that I don't see my current relationship not lasting for the rest of my existence. Anyway (and yes I know very well this sounds arrogant as hell, but there's no other way to tell the story), I got a lot of praise from her for my... skill or whatever... like she was experiencing something sexually that she never had before. Meanwhile my assessment was more like 'Yeah I guess that's fine, but I'll finish the job properly myself when you're done'. 😂 (I didn't actually say that.)

 

Anyway. I've always had strongly positive feedback, and if I have that from a small number of partners, I'll take that over being able to say I've had sex with lots of people.

 

(To be clear though, there's nothing wrong with having had lots of partners.)