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My(ace) partner(ace) of 5+ years revealed they are sexually attracted to me


smokeystreet

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I will be mentioning sexual acts in this, but no descriptions.

 

I know people reading this will want to say ‘’you need to communicate with each other’’ ‘’just communicate’’ ‘’you won’t get anywhere without communicating’’ but please understand that it’s not that simple. Maybe I will eventually but right now I just can’t. And I have literally no one to talk to right now about this and I need to get it out. This will probably be long.

 

I have been with my ace partner (spouse) for 5+ years. We each knew we were ace before we met each other. A huge reason why we became life partners in the first place was because we were both ace. We share so many similar life values and goals as well. We are really good together. They always felt like my soulmate.

 

Before I met them, when I was working through my sexuality and realized I am asexual, I did mull over the idea that I will likely end up in a relationship with an allosexual person. I know there’s lots of ace people in the world but still. I am not sex averse at all (I am sex indifferent I think), and I have a normal libido. But during my years of working through my sexuality, I figured out that sex is just not worth it to me in any way. I am a cis woman and for that reason there’s a lot of extra factors to sex for me, especially depending on my partner’s ability to get me pregnant. But anyway, I prepared myself for the idea that I will probably be with an allo person. I had been in sexual situations before when figuring out my sexuality, but I had no experience being in a non-asexual relationship, so I really had no idea how I’d be able to handle it (in terms of compromises with sex,) but I think I thought I could handle it.

 

For context, before my relationship with my partner, my partner had no sexual experiences with people, but I did, albeit very few. Both of us had (and still have) normal libidos. At the start, when we were covering relationship boundaries/standards, we considered our relationship to be a QPR.

 

The first couple years of the relationship, everything was wonderful. We could cuddle and be affectionate with no sex undertones, and it was great. We could sleep together nearly naked completely ‘’platonically.’’ We could do pretty much anything with no sex undertones and I felt completely content. It was my ideal type of relationship that I dreamt of. A couple times we decided to try some sexual stuff, especially because my partner had never tried before, and they were curious. Because we were both ace, I felt completely comfortable trying stuff. After the couple times of trying various things, my partner always reported feeling the same, as in, doesn’t care about it, no sexual attraction, etc. The same was the case with me.

 

However, my partner did like one sexual thing, which was basically me helping them masturbate. They preferred when I helped them masturbate instead of doing it themselves because they found it easier to get off without having to put the work it themselves, or something along those lines. So, I would help them multiple times per week which was enough for their libido level. I felt fine doing this because it just felt different to when I had done sexual stuff with allosexual people in the past.

 

My partner also helped me masturbate a few times because they were curious to what it was like. It wasn’t too annoying for me at first. Since I’m not sexually attracted to people, when I do sexual stuff with people, I feel completely blank, unengaged, whatever. It is difficult for me to get off unless I essentially block the other person/people out and pretend I’m masturbating alone. So, every time my partner ‘’helped,’’ I’d have to block them out. It was a bit mentally tiring (it didn’t help that I also felt it was a pointless activity), but I dealt with it ok. But because it was mentally tiring, it started becoming intolerable over time, and I basically didn’t let them ‘’help’’ me anymore.

 

It got to the point where my partner told me they liked doing that for me. I didn’t think much of that honestly, I kind of ignored the comment because it’s like, we are both ace, we went into this relationship knowing we were both ace and wouldn’t be doing stuff like that, it does nothing for me. I did tell my partner that it’s mentally tiring, that I have to mentally block everything out in order to get off during that, and that it’s not really something I’m interested in for that reason.

 

Anyway, after 5+ years into our relationship, my partner told me (at this point, it has been a few months since they told me) that they are sexually attracted to me, and only me. They have never been sexually attracted to anyone before (hence identifying as ace) and are surprised they find themselves sexually attracted, but they are. And they have said they like it, in fact. It makes them feel good. I don’t blame them for this at all. I don’t know if that means they’re demi (they haven’t brought that up despite knowing what demi is), and honestly I don’t really care what they are, ace, demi, allo of some sort. I don’t care if they keep calling themself ace. It’s not really the point.

 

But over all this time, I did notice them change. When we would cuddle at night, they often pushed things into sexual stuff more and more often. Eventually, they would tell me they wanted to have sex with me. They would tell me, literally, ‘’please have sex with me.’’ I always just kind of laughed at it, pretending like it was just a general comment. I know that sounds stupid and awful. And it probably sounds pathetic that an adult can’t say back ‘’I don’t want to have sex.’’ It somehow feels so hard to do. It makes me feel pathetic. I could do it if it were some random person I didn’t know and didn’t spend the last 5+ years of my life with. Anyway, I was kind of hoping my partner wasn’t really serious about it and that they would ‘’get over it,’’ at least I thought that before they finally told me they are just sexually attracted to me.

 

This has been eating away at me for the past year at least. (The past year or so is when the ‘’sexual pressures’’ got noticeably intense for me. To be clear, there is no rape happening. I don’t know if pressure is the right word. I just keep playing everything off.) I truly truly truly love my partner, but I’m becoming so upset with this that I feel like I’m actually starting to resent them because of this. Going to bed with them at night gives me a pit in my stomach because I’m worried they’ll want sexual stuff. Even hugging them now does the same, because they’ve said it sometimes turns them on. I used to be able to make sexual jokes about no one or nothing in particular, (especially not us,) and the jokes wouldn’t remind them of the idea that they want to have sex with me, like the jokes do now. I just want them to not be sexually attracted to me anymore. I don’t want to leave them. Leaving them would not work right now anyway for many reasons, especially because we are married.

 

I am actually polyamorous, but my partner is monogamous, so we have been going with monogamy and leaving it at that. I would be totally ok with us bringing another person or two in our relationship if we met someone that felt right for that, especially if the other person or people were allosexual, where they could have sex together for those desires and I could be let be. But, again, my partner is very monogamous. They’ve made that clear to me. And they’ve also made clear they’ve never experienced sexual attraction with anyone else but me.

 

I also have had a friend of several years who does not identify as ace, but is ‘’effectively ace,’’ I would say. Friend is completely uninterested in sex. Friend has a lot of similarities to me in terms of lifestyle and interests so we get along well. Sometimes I can’t help but imagine spending time with Friend, cuddling, watching movies together, etc, all without the pressure of sex like I used to have with my current partner, and it makes me want to cry because I wish I could have it so bad. (My partner isn’t ok with me cuddling with friends, which has always been rough for me, since I used to regularly cuddle with my friends when I was single). I would give so much to be able to cuddle friends/people again who don’t want to have sex with me, specifically Friend, who’s basically right there in front of me and effectively ace. It feels like torture sometimes. The fact that I’m longing for that makes me feel even worse for multiple obvious reasons.

 

I would love to talk to an LGBTQ+ friendly therapist about this. I honestly feel like I NEED to talk to a therapist, but I am not in the position to get one right now. I doubt I would find one who’s ace friendly anyway. And that’s part of my problem, not being able to vent to anyone about this. My partner was my only friend who truly respected and understood what asexuality was, or even believed it was a thing, that I’ve ever met so far, except for Friend, but I can’t talk about it with Friend obviously. I feel like most people I explain my problem to would say something like ‘’well of course you should be having sex with your spouse/partner, what is wrong with you, you’re in the wrong and torturing your partner’’ or ‘’well I understand your problem but can’t you just compromise? If you truly loved your partner you would compromise’’ and other things like that. I know those are wrong. But they are part of what prevents me from being able to talk to anyone.

 

And again, I know I should ‘’communicate with my partner,’’ but that is easier said than done, especially when it’s about something like this. I don’t even know how to go about it. I really needed to vent. I don’t know what kind of advice I’m looking for. Any kind of wisdom or sharing similar experiences would be appreciated.

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Hi smoky street,

You're really suffering and in a bind.

Like many of us ...

 

You start off by saying don't tell me to communicate and it gets repeated. You know you should but you feel you can't.

 

Personally if I had communicated way back when certain negative mechanisms just wouldn't have had any room to settle in. Unfortunately, we did communicate but without any knowledge of what was going on. Hence the shunning, the hurt, the uncomfortableness...

 

You say you hate the thought of going to bed, cuddles aren't what they used to be etc. Because you're simply not on the same page. You're confused as to their sexuality. Not sure if they are ace or demi or what. You say it doesn't matter, really?

 

For me, knowing who you are with is of paramount importance. One needs to be accepted and accepting. It's difficult to do  so if there isn't understanding. For me, ignorance and guess work only leads to  uneasiness, blame and shame.

 

Back to you, from what you write, I think you probably know what you want, they have sex elsewhere and you cuddle up to Friend? But you aren't sure.

 

Yes I am going to say what you don't want to hear but what you yourself know you should be doing, talk to them. Don't guess work or brush it under the carpet. 

 

Good luck. I hope you find a way.

 

 

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Mountain House

Talk your truth.  Pick the hardest thing to say and say it.  It will get easier from there.

Accept whatever you hear with grace.

 

This is your spouse.

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People change. It sounds like your partner changed, and hopes you will to.

 

Change is an inevitable part of marriage — something unexpected, unanticipated — but then… how is it handled?

 

Changes in sexuality general do not respond (or respond well) to “pressure”, this only creates more problems. Hoping a partner’s sexuality will change certainly sounds like it could feel like pressure. Does some sense of pressure, even if unintended, distress you? What would be your ideal outcome?

 

Maybe what you need is sensing a really genuine acceptance on your partner’s part, about you — maybe something like — you do not desire these sexual interactions, it’s making you uncomfortable and unhappy, you do not believe there’s any potential this will change, nor do you want it to.

 

Radical acceptance is hard but sometimes necessary to move forward. If you’re hesitating due to not wanting to distress a partner, not wanting to hurt them, it’s an absence of honesty that consumes time and risks further sunk costs that could have been avoided.

 

So… why do you hesitate to communicate? Maybe that’s the more useful thing to think about?

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On 11/8/2021 at 11:56 AM, smokeystreet said:

And again, I know I should ‘’communicate with my partner,’’ but that is easier said than done, especially when it’s about something like this

Why is it so hard to communicate with your partner? They are someone you love and have chosen to share your life with. Can't you be honest with them about how you're feeling? 

Its sad for you that you and your partner had a great asexual relationship, but now they have changed and are more sexual. Have you made it clear to them that you don't want sex with them? What did they say? You shouldn't have to do sexual things with them if you don't want to. You just have to make your feelings about it clear. Then its up to the other person whether they are ok to remain in a sexless relationship or not. If they can't handle not having sex then thats their issue. They can seek sex elsewhere as you have said, or leave the relationship. But they have no right to force or pressure you into doing any sexual things you don't want to.

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I have been in your partner's place - luckily, my partner is attracted to me as well so we do stuff together. But, we entered as a non-sexual relationship and it evolved. In your case, it only evolved on one side. But, if they're mono and only into you, then no other person will help the situation. You need to just be honest and tell them it's making you uncomfortable. If you keep this going you will resent them, you will withdraw from any affection and your relationship will end. Stop the toxic cycle and talk. 

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I feel like most people I explain my problem to would say something like ‘’well of course you should be having sex with your spouse/partner, what is wrong with you, you’re in the wrong and torturing your partner’’ or ‘’well I understand your problem but can’t you just compromise? If you truly loved your partner you would compromise’’ and other things like that. I know those are wrong. But they are part of what prevents me from being able to talk to anyone.

Actually, I understood your feelings quite well, when reading your post. 

 

Your spouse shouldn't be asking you for sex. That's disrespectful. I could fall for a gay guy, but I wouldn't be asking him for sex, because I would know, it would probably make him uncomfortable. Your partner knows you! They shouldn't be doing this!

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coderedclover

It sounds like a very tough and tricky bind... I'm sorry you've been going through this.

 

I know that being with someone for a LONG time like that can be so hard to have them change. Your spouse KNOWS you're ace and asks you anyways, which is NOT okay. 

 

Stand tall. Stand proud. Your consent is most important.

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