My husband is asexual and I'm not - ideas?

[quiet_summer]

Hello all!

 

First, I cant tell you how thankful I am to have found this forum! My husband and I have been together for 5 years and very rarely have sex. At first I was a bit confused/hurt that he did not want to share sexual intimacy with me, but since finding out about asexuality, it all makes sense!

 

Hubby and I are two weird peas in a pod with only one slight issue - our very different sexual desires. We are both very happy with the levels of other intimacy and commitment,  enjoy much of the same things, and make a really good team. However, I recently realized that I am unhappy being completely celibate. Ending the relationship really isn't something either of us want. I've only experienced monogamy, and well, he has so little interest in sex that the mechanics of compromise become difficult.

 

I'd like to tap into the creativity of the aces and sexual partners here and get some ideas for things we could try. Poly may not be our first choice (I have no idea how to even go about that as a married woman) but it is on the table. Let's brainstorm! 

[R66forM]

Welcome.  Lots of  folks here with various ideas.  But most importantly,  it's great he is talking about it.  That can often be the biggest hurdle to finding compromise.    

 

8 hours ago, quiet_summer said:

peas in a pod with only one slight issue - our very different sexual desires.

While I would characterize it larger than 'slight', this also describes my relationship with my ace wife.  The reason I decided to stay and try options.

 

But don't have any good options after 3 years of understanding. It's a tough road and requires a lot of patience. 

 

You have support here and I hope you are able to find workable solutions. 

 

[Sally]

9 hours ago, quiet_summer said:

Hubby and I are two weird peas in a pod with only one slight issue - our very different sexual desires. We are both very happy with the levels of other intimacy and commitment,  enjoy much of the same things, and make a really good team. However, I recently realized that I am unhappy being completely celibate.

Your different sexual desires are a very large issue.  That issue is not going to go away; in fact, it is likely to increase in size, especially since you say you only recently realized that celibacy is untenable for you.   The only real options are 1) no sex, which isn't good for you; 2) some sex, which won't be comfortable for either of you because most sexuals want to be wanted and asexuals don't want any sex; 3) staying together as loving friends; 4) separating.   Polyamory generally means that the third person becomes a partner of the other two:  it's literally letting another person into the partnership.  That takes both partners actually wanting to do that; otherwise, it adds to the problem rather than solving it.  Also, the asexual may feel that the sexual will fall in love with the third person and leave, since that third person gives the sexual all of what they want:  love and sex.  (And that indeed can happen.)

 

Compromise can only be achieved if both parties are comfortable with the compromise.  Otherwise, it simply means that both parties are unhappy, because neither are getting what they wanted.  It's best to look at what is actually possible, rather than decide to begin with that you will stay together.   

[Mountain House]

3 hours ago, Sally said:

Polyamory generally means that the third person becomes a partner of the other two:  it's literally letting another person into the partnership.

Not true at all.  The vast majority of polyamourous relationships are dyads.  Triads are polyamory turned up to 11.

[Sally]

1 hour ago, Mountain House said:

Not true at all.  The vast majority of polyamourous relationships are dyads.  Triads are polyamory turned up to 11.

I'm going by the descriptions of IRL polyamory that I have seen on AvEN.  However, that doesn't really have any relevance to what the OP is asking.  

[Mountain House]

13 hours ago, Sally said:

I'm going by the descriptions of IRL polyamory that I have seen on AvEN. 

Okay, then AVEN is propagating a false narrative of polyamory and we should clear that up.  This is relevant to the OP's discussion as she specifically brought up the question of how polyamory works.

 

So IRL on AVEN:

 

I know a member that has 2 partners that know each other well and are not in a romantic relationship.

I know another member that has 2 partners that have just barely met each other and are not in a romantic relationship.

I know another member who's partner has another partner.  This member is not in a romantic relationship with their metamour.

I don't know of any triads on AVEN.

[Mountain House]

OP I see you were here this morning.  I would love to brainstorm with you.  Chat away and let's see where it goes.

I'll start.

 

On 11/7/2021 at 6:21 AM, quiet_summer said:

Poly may not be our first choice (I have no idea how to even go about that as a married woman) but it is on the table.

So, my opinion:

 

The first thing you do when considering opening a monogamous marriage to ENM is build security, strength, and resiliency in your marriage.  *1

You need Jedi level communication.  *2

You need individual autonomy.  *3

 

And it turns out that these are good for any style relationship.

 

*1 - Polysecure

*2 - Living Nonviolent Communication

*3 - The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

 

 

Your turn.

[Ettina]

Would it help to focus on sexual activities that don't involve his body as directly? For example, maybe he could use a sex toy on you, or you could masturbate while cuddling with him, or something like that?

[anisotrophic]

On 11/8/2021 at 1:01 PM, Ettina said:

Would it help to focus on sexual activities that don't involve his body as directly? For example, maybe he could use a sex toy on you, or you could masturbate while cuddling with him, or something like that?

Eh, if someone doesn’t desire the activity, I think it’s like drinking sea water when you’re thirsty.

[Sally]

I'm a little surprised when it's suggested to people who don't want sexual activity that they should think about toys or other things that are substitutes.  When I finally realized I just couldn't deal with sex anymore, I really didn't want anything to do with sex.   And I know that my partner didn't want anything but actual sex, so it wouldn't have interested him either.  Compromises only work if both partners enjoy them.  

[Ceebs]

3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

Eh, if someone doesn’t desire the activity, I think it’s like drinking sea water when you’re thirsty.

This was generally how I felt about even having 'full' sex with a completely willing asexual person. I know that isn't true of all sexuals who have some form of compromise sex with their asexual partners, and if it works for them, great, but the sex was just so... not what it seemed sex should really be like between two people who actually feel desire for each other... that it just made me feel weird and ashamed and confused. At that point in my life I was generally confused anyway -- about how important sex was as a whole to me in a relationship, whether I was into men or women or both, how much desire I actually felt for my ex-husband anyway, and I don't think him being sexual actually could've kept the relationship going regardless -- but it's still true that sex without what I termed 'The Missing Thing' just ultimately made me feel worse overall than not bothering. I also would've been beyond uncomfortable doing something like masturbating with him cuddling me, or getting him to use a sex toy on me. So much nope. I already felt like a creepy pervert. It was easier to just not have a sexual relationship of any sort.

[Sally]

For most asexuals (or at least many asexuals), having a little bit of sex/some incomplete version of sex is like having a little bit of some food that you really don't like.  

[Kwagga]

quiet_summer

 

For me being a sexual and my fiancé , tbc Grey ace , just finding out how he really feels about sex after 11 years is bringing allot of guilt feeling to the surface, I have not seen my fiancé in weeks and tomorrow wil be the first time I see him after the first and only discussion about his sexuality we ever had. 

 

I'm not sure what will happen in the next couple of days when he is here but one thing is for sure , I want intimacy with him definably because we fall in love every time we see each other , but with this new found knowledge of how he really feels about it , I will NOT ask, suggest or even hint in that direction If he doesn't. 

 

I also feel that if he is willing to meet me half way or at least as far as he can go that I would accept that and deal with the ''rest'' on my own , privately. 

 

maybe you and your husband can also do something like that?

 

Just don't make the same mistake as I did and pressure him into or guilt tripping him into anything... (PS: I only did this because I wasn't aware  of any term regarding Asexuality)

In the end it felt like I was raping my fiancé for 11 years.... think about that ,,, imagine that , this person you love with all your heart , the one you would die for in a heartbeat .....  

even unknowingly . it still hurts more than NO sex ever again will. 

 

 

[quiet_summer]

On 11/9/2021 at 10:38 PM, anisotrophic said:

Eh, if someone doesn’t desire the activity, I think it’s like drinking sea water when you’re thirsty.

I would absolutely be willing to try other forms of sex (masturbation, toys, whatever). I recently suggested we try just petting/cuddling while I manage my own... but yes, it's not the same when he is not enjoying it too. Hes not exactly sex-repulsed, just wholly uninterested in anything relating to it. I'd rather respect his desire to just cuddle than feel I am "forcing" it. Same with trying open.

 

Mountain House, thank you for the book suggestions! I just finished The Ethical Slut and dove into More Than Two. Polysecure is next on my list! Most of these seem to focus on polyamory - do you guys have good book suggestions relating to asexuality too? Thankfully, we have excellent communication (one of the many reasons we chose to be life partners in the first place ) but this is such a tricky topic, more communication ideas could never hurt!

[Mountain House]

Hi @quiet_summer,

 

I'm not a fan of More Than Two, I didn't get much out of the book, the author has been accused of being abusive by many of his partners (including the co-author), and the book reflects some of the bad ideas that lead to that.  I actually got more from the web site.

 

I like The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory and the podcast Multiamory.

 

There are books on asexuality but honestly for me this forum has been my educational source.

[coderedclover]

I may not be much help since I broke it off with my boyfriend because of this issue, but it may be a good idea to look into self pleasure. It's a tricky balance, and sometimes it won't work, but if you can compromise with your husband about this, you'll both most likely come out stronger than ever.

[uhtred]

I've been in a badly sexually mismatched marriage for many years now.   At least in my case it never gets better - the sexual person never starts wanting less sex, the asexual person never wants more. 

 

I think open communication is the best first step.  Talk about what sort of sexual activity you need to be happy.  Find out what will make him happy.    Don't look for some miserable compromise where both of you are unhappy - that is worse than ending the relationship.

 

Talking is important because different people care about very different things with regard to sex.  Some want, or don't want specific activities.  Some need their partners to enjoy sex, in order for them to enjoy, others are OK with a freely given "favor".  It can be a difficult conversation, but if at all possible find out what really matters to both of you.

 

From my long experience, the most important thing is not to hope.   That sounds terrible, but sexuality is pretty fixed once people are adults.  Its all to easy to become hopeful on the rare occasions when something nice sexual happens, then those hopes will be dashed, leaving you feeling worse than before.

 

 

feel free to PM

[Confusionreigns]

Love to hear from allo folks how they are doing with the asexual love of their life - it’s a difficult challenge but manageable I hope

[uhtred]

17 minutes ago, Confusionreigns said:

Love to hear from allo folks how they are doing with the asexual love of their life - it’s a difficult challenge but manageable I hope

For some people its manageable, for others its a problem that never goes away. 

[R66forM]

46 minutes ago, uhtred said:

For some people its manageable, for others its a problem that never goes away. 

Managing it by no means makes it go away for me.

[Confusionreigns]

My wife of 43 years is gray sexual and we have only come to terms or trying to come to terms since August.  She has always said that it’s just because we have different sexual appetites like a lot of people.  For years she has also told me that it’s “nothing personal” that she doesn’t like making love with me as much as I with her.     
 

The thing that hurts is that I did think for over 40 years that she was sexually attracted to me in some way.  But no.       
 

The thing that brought her decision that she is on the ace spectrum was my pressure on her to make a plan to make me feel wanted.   She was never able to and the thought made her uncomfortable.  
 

One woman man here…and she is not the person I thought she was…still a wonderful person but not one who desires me.

[SusannaC]

4 hours ago, Confusionreigns said:

One woman man here…and she is not the person I thought she was…still a wonderful person but not one who desires me.

A very sad summary, but very relatable.   If only we could change the past

[Traveler40]

8 hours ago, Confusionreigns said:

My wife of 43 years is gray sexual and we have only come to terms or trying to come to terms since August.  She has always said that it’s just because we have different sexual appetites like a lot of people.  For years she has also told me that it’s “nothing personal” that she doesn’t like making love with me as much as I with her.     
 

The thing that hurts is that I did think for over 40 years that she was sexually attracted to me in some way.  But no.       
 

The thing that brought her decision that she is on the ace spectrum was my pressure on her to make a plan to make me feel wanted.   She was never able to and the thought made her uncomfortable.  
 

One woman man here…and she is not the person I thought she was…still a wonderful person but not one who desires me.

Given you’ve done 40+ years and are just now understanding the realities, I’d say you’ve managed. I’m sorry. Knowing it’s not personal should help in some way.

 

Removing the rose colored glasses of hope was life changing for me. It’s not simple, but it allows you to let go and realign yourself. What do you need and how does that look in the context of what you now know? How can you make your life work differently?  Do you even want to?
 

For many, the status quo is the better answer. The reward becomes the loss of hope which allows for letting go of both resentment and anger. Understanding brings compassion and, to some extent, peace within your connection.

 

Like with everything, that too is a double edged sword. Acceptance can be emotionally deadening.

 

Anyhow, welcome to AVEN. You are not alone.

[intheshadowoferos]

On 11/14/2021 at 8:01 PM, quiet_summer said:

 do you guys have good book suggestions relating to asexuality too? Thankfully, we have excellent communication (one of the many reasons we chose to be life partners in the first place ) but this is such a tricky topic, more communication ideas could never hurt!

I learned a lot reading the following books:

The Invisible Orientation by Julie Sondra Decker

Ace (I found the 2nd 1/2 most valuable) by Angela Chen

understanding Asexuality by Anthony Bogaert, this one really opened my eyes.

each of these can be read in a handful of afternoons 

 

my husband and I are at the beginning of our journey into his Orientation as an ACE, 30 yrs of marriage.

we are also just beginning couples therapy to find our way.

good luck

[Confusionreigns]

On 11/16/2021 at 11:39 AM, Traveler40 said:

Given you’ve done 40+ years and are just now understanding the realities, I’d say you’ve managed. I’m sorry. Knowing it’s not personal should help in some way.

 

Removing the rose colored glasses of hope was life changing for me. It’s not simple, but it allows you to let go and realign yourself. What do you need and how does that look in the context of what you now know? How can you make your life work differently?  Do you even want to?
 

For many, the status quo is the better answer. The reward becomes the loss of hope which allows for letting go of both resentment and anger. Understanding brings compassion and, to some extent, peace within your connection.

 

Like with everything, that too is a double edged sword. Acceptance can be emotionally deadening.

 

Anyhow, welcome to AVEN. You are not alone.

Thank you 🙏 

[Lonely2021]

On 11/10/2021 at 7:19 AM, Kwagga said:

quiet_summer

 

For me being a sexual and my fiancé , tbc Grey ace , just finding out how he really feels about sex after 11 years is bringing allot of guilt feeling to the surface, I have not seen my fiancé in weeks and tomorrow wil be the first time I see him after the first and only discussion about his sexuality we ever had. 

 

I'm not sure what will happen in the next couple of days when he is here but one thing is for sure , I want intimacy with him definably because we fall in love every time we see each other , but with this new found knowledge of how he really feels about it , I will NOT ask, suggest or even hint in that direction If he doesn't. 

 

I also feel that if he is willing to meet me half way or at least as far as he can go that I would accept that and deal with the ''rest'' on my own , privately. 

 

maybe you and your husband can also do something like that?

 

Just don't make the same mistake as I did and pressure him into or guilt tripping him into anything... (PS: I only did this because I wasn't aware  of any term regarding Asexuality)

In the end it felt like I was raping my fiancé for 11 years.... think about that ,,, imagine that , this person you love with all your heart , the one you would die for in a heartbeat .....  

even unknowingly . it still hurts more than NO sex ever again will. 

 

 

I felt the same about my h...

[quiet_summer]

So just to come back and update on how our journey is going...

 

After much research, discussion, and thought, we chose to go the open marriage route. So far it is working very well. We've had some incredibly awkward conversations but they usually end with us laughing and cuddling. We first sat down and delineated what all we wanted to keep just for us, ie living together, finances, that sort of thing, as well as what our hardlines were (no fluid sharing or dishonesty). Then we just talked openly about it every step of the way. When I was ready to leap, it was with a poly friend with whom we both felt comfortable. As we journey through this, I'm sure there will be bumps, but we will simply adjust.

 

Funny aside... I have been out frequently since we began and asked if that was bothering him... "Not at all. You've been dying of thirst in the desert and just found the oasis, I'm not surprised that you're chugging!"

[brbdogsonfire]

2 hours ago, quiet_summer said:

So just to come back and update on how our journey is going...

 

After much research, discussion, and thought, we chose to go the open marriage route. So far it is working very well. We've had some incredibly awkward conversations but they usually end with us laughing and cuddling. We first sat down and delineated what all we wanted to keep just for us, ie living together, finances, that sort of thing, as well as what our hardlines were (no fluid sharing or dishonesty). Then we just talked openly about it every step of the way. When I was ready to leap, it was with a poly friend with whom we both felt comfortable. As we journey through this, I'm sure there will be bumps, but we will simply adjust.

 

Funny aside... I have been out frequently since we began and asked if that was bothering him... "Not at all. You've been dying of thirst in the desert and just found the oasis, I'm not surprised that you're chugging!"

I hope it continues working for you two!

[soyandpotatoes]

On 12/20/2021 at 10:04 PM, quiet_summer said:

So just to come back and update on how our journey is going...

 

After much research, discussion, and thought, we chose to go the open marriage route. So far it is working very well. We've had some incredibly awkward conversations but they usually end with us laughing and cuddling. We first sat down and delineated what all we wanted to keep just for us, ie living together, finances, that sort of thing, as well as what our hardlines were (no fluid sharing or dishonesty). Then we just talked openly about it every step of the way. When I was ready to leap, it was with a poly friend with whom we both felt comfortable. As we journey through this, I'm sure there will be bumps, but we will simply adjust.

 

Funny aside... I have been out frequently since we began and asked if that was bothering him... "Not at all. You've been dying of thirst in the desert and just found the oasis, I'm not surprised that you're chugging!"

Wow it's amazing that he's so open! I'm allo (quite a hyper-bisexual one at that) and my boyfriend of 5 years is ace. He was struggling so much with the labelling cos he felt insecure about it and only recently been more comfortable with it. Our relationship is a dream, we are each other's best friends and we love each other immensely. That is except the sex. We are at that stage where we try him watching me or use sex toys on me, but it's not quite enough for me. I just love him a lot so I don’t make him feel bad about it. I don’t think he's okay with me having sex with other people. 

I think our relationship is getting even more serious and i feel he might propose this year. I want that so much. 

How did you get your husband to be comfortable with you taking on a lover outside the marriage?

[DemonicEnby]

The thing is, sometimes you can't really make someone comfortable. At the end it all boils down to talking. A lot and a lot of it awkward and detailed and reassure them, that it is just about the physical thing. Many aren't comfortable with the open marriage thing because there is a fear of losing the other person.

 

I never had that problem and had more open relationships than not, so. Though I myself am on the darker gray scale of the spectrum and have never cared much if someone just, dunno, has something with someone else. Strangest break up I had was with a back then crying and apologizing bf that wanted to break up because he was the one cheating and well. It was a very awkward situation that I probably couldn't really grasp as I didn't quite get his problem with it.