How do you meet older asexuals?

[SadieMae]

Hi. New to AVEN. Great to see older folks here. I am 56, male. Let me tell you there are many asexual men---if asexual is the right word. As men get older many become impotent for a variety of reasons. I have been impotent for probably 10 years due to extra-low testosterone (T-One) production. T-One (sounds like a formula for race cars) is a formula for getting people to have sex. Eunuchs are completely empty of T-One, and they can't get aroused enough to perform.

We eunuchs need love, and have lots of love to give---too. I thought it was interesting that somebody said 70% of menopausal women were asexual! If true, I sure wish they would act like it, and come out of the closet!

Lux, not all men are sexual. That is totally cool sounding for Issilote's relationship. The sexual has sex with others, and makes love with his loving asexual mate! Too cool. In my case, Do I need to look for a sexual woman? LOL.

[SadieMae]

Hi. New to AVEN. Great to see older folks here. I am 56, male. Let me tell you there are many asexual men---if asexual is the right word. As men get older many become impotent for a variety of reasons. I have been impotent for probably 10 years due to extra-low testosterone (T-One) production. T-One (sounds like a formula for race cars) is a formula for getting people to have sex. Eunuchs are completely empty of T-One, and they can't get aroused enough to perform.

We eunuchs need love, and have lots of love to give---too. I thought it was interesting that somebody said 70% of menopausal women were asexual! If true, I sure wish they would act like it, and come out of the closet!

Lux, not all men are sexual. That is totally cool sounding for Issilote's relationship. The sexual has sex with others, and makes love with his loving asexual mate! Too cool. In my case, Do I need to look for a sexual woman? LOL.

:oops: I am a 58 yrs old woman and I guess you would say I went thru menopause in my 30's when I had surgery. I never was thrilled with sex but being married I felt it was my obligation. I am now a widow of 10 yrs and loving not having to do as they say "give it up" I tried dating and all the men wanted was sex. I could not deal with it so I am alone and wishing I could meet some men who would just love a SEX-FREE relationship. I thought that something was wrong with me till I watched a talk show and realized that there are other people out there just like me. It sure feels good to be able to talk about this and know that you all will understand what I have been going though.

Thanks for listening SadieMae :D

[soma55]

[quote="SadieMae I thought that something was wrong with me till I watched a talk show and realized that there are other people out there just like me. It sure feels good to be able to talk about this and know that you all will understand what I have been going though.

Thanks for listening SadieMae :D

:) SadieMae, we're glad to have you! I'm another "oldie" (52) and you are very correct when you say how great it is to finally find other people who feel the same say! If only I'd known about this years ago, how much heartache and money I would have saved by not marrying sexual men. But when you don't know any better and you think you're the only one who feels this way, then you think maybe you're a freak or that something is wrong with you. How wonderful to know there's an entire other population out there who agrees completely!

[anboma]

I also so a show on TV (Montel) and up to that moment thought there was something wrong with me. I am so happy to have found this sight, I now know that this is OK. I can't believe how much of my life I have wasted doing what I thought I was supposed to do. no more! I'm 52 and proud to anounce to the world that I am asexual.

[kg]

Hi all.

Chiming in after being away for a bit.

I'm 54. I always suspected that I was different. I had my last sexual relationship end around 10 years ago. (We remain friends). But he and I are also pretty distant now.

I've kind of been adopted by his family who could never understand why we broke up. (We broke up for the reason all of my relationships have. I don't really want sex. I want a close deep bond. A soul mate --but without mating). So we are more like brother and sister now, and that's pretty cool.

But I still wanted a "love" relationship. But I thought I had to have a sexual relationship again in order to be close to someone who might care about me, and with whom I might bond. Odd that it is so hard to speak of love without sex being intangled in the word. I think they are very different things.

Some time 3 years ago I had one or two nice (but weirdish) dates with a fellow. The dates lasted hours because we talked deep and long about everything possible. We had the same interests. We started doing a lot of stuff together. We even eventually bought townhouses in the same town one year apart.

I developed deep romantic feeling for him, but he didn't have them for me. I am sure it is because he is sexual, and he does not find me attractive (as far as not wanting sex that is very much OK with me --but I had/have become very fond of him).

We became friends. We eventually became best friends. Yet he continues to seek the love of his life. He has another really close relationship with a women he's known for 20 years which threatened to develop into his "couple" notion. But didn't.

If not her, it will come eventually.Although admittedly his problems stem from his fear of close, commited relationships. (It's a familiar pattern).

Anyway, it took a while but as a friendship we have obtained an equilibrium. We admit that we have an odd but close relationship. We see each other nearly every day, and share a lot. We both have other friends -- and we both continue to seek "the one". In my case--the non sexual "one". In his case, sexual.

He is clueless about my orientation. I don't plan to tell him. Eventually I suppose he'll find what he seeks and I'm likely to lose this special relationship, because he'll focus on her. But it's the closest I've come to the sort of relationship I'd like to have with someone.

Over the last 4 years I realized that I get all of my needs met via my friendships with men. The times I felt the most unhappy were those times in a sexual relationship.

It's been the single four most amazing discoveries of my life: I'm non sexual, I'm OK with that and there are others who feel the same, and some are men. I thought this could only be true of women.

Sorry for this over long note. This is still new for me, this idea that it's OK. But meeting someone, seeking someone is a real puzzle to solve.

KG

[Lookingman]

Hey, keep the messages coming folks. The longer the messages the better! Wonderful to see older women writing here---especially since I am an older man.

Maybe we will find a suitable (very A-sexual!) partner in this lifetime after all?

[lux]

Reading last threads,I can't understand why you, people from USA and UK is so difficult meeting and seeking asexual people,I know that the USA is a very big country,but...I suposse that many people will live in big towns like L.A.,Saint Francis,New York,Washington....You have too an advantage,you have your own site only for older people,you have all the advantage to find and meet another older asexual people!!!,the language, the countries, the age.....everythig!!!,I only wish to have this chances.

[Lookingman]

Lux:

Easier said than done, but come to America or to UK Lux. Spain's loss would be another country's gain.

More than anything we have to promote ourselves. You seem to be a nice lady, one for whom many a lesbian would enjoy getting to know---in any language, I am sure.

You even speak the language here/in UK. You have an apparent advantage since you are poly. Polyglot that is...a person who speaks many languages.

[mackat5]

Here in central Illinois, it is a bit harder to meet other asexuals. Guess most live either up in Chicago or over in St Louis. So far down here, I only know of two, and have met only one other A, and they don't live in my town. And with my job and the price of gas, I can't afford to go to the big cities very often. So that cuts down on my chances of meeting other A's. :cry:

[Mountain Mama]

Specifically in response to KG, but also to all of us ~ I've been on the AVEN site for just a couple of days and remain overwhelmed in many ways, but, KG, thank you for your post; in many ways it could have come from me. It's great to know we're not alone. I too, am a very romantic asexual~with a dearest friend of over 35 years now...

I'm 58 and although until about age 40 I might have been thought of as "attractive", those days are now long gone! Yep, when and how did that get down there?!??!!! If you're a woman in your 50's, you may know what I mean. LOL...in addition to gravity, there have been the ravages of time, hot buttered bread, etc...

Suffice it to say, at this point in my life, the combination of looking like Aunt Bee (you DO have to be in your 50's for that one) and happily acknowledging my asexuality...I think the possibility of living in a romantic, soul-bonding, love, asexual relationship has flown the coop! I'm open to the miraculous, but not anticipating it.

Mountain Mama

[lux]

Thank you very much for your polite and nice answer,Lookingman,I only hope to find that woman here in my country,but I say,it is very difficult,Now I'm staying in AVENes site too,but people from there are too young, teenagers or people in their 20s or 30s,very few older people,another problem is that the most of this people are from countries very far from me,I mean they are latin americans,and....there is a tremendous sea between us!!!!,the atlantic ocean,very few people are from my country,and spanish people are younger than me.

You see,I have to find a spanish middled aged lesbian asexual woman...very very difficult,ohhh,I need a miracle to find her!!!! :roll:

[soma55]

Why does she have to be a Lesbian? If it's a non-sexual relationship anyway, why can't she just be a very good female friend?

[Mountain Mama]

Soma, it's been very interesting for me to learn here that we asexuals come in as many flavors as do sexuals! Apparently we can be asexual as far as sexual attraction/desire/drive go (with many nuances there as well) but still have, and sometimes have very strong, romantic and emotional attractions to someone of the opposite gender, or the same gender or both.

I've seen some AVENs describe themselves, for example as female-hetero-highly romantic-asexual. On this site I've seen various self-descriptors for homosexual, heterosexual and bi-sexual asexuals...definitely understanding a separation between romantic attraction and sex.

I think the only 2 self-descriptions I have not seen here are intersexual and transgender folk. But as I can't imagine there are no asexuals there, I imagine they'll find AVEN soon too.

Life gets "interestinger" and "interestinger". And I'm so glad about that. Thank goodness for ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL.

Mountain Mama

[vikingo]

... I think the only 2 self-descriptions I have not seen here ...

Just keep looking.

[soma55]

What's an "intersexual"? :?:

[kg]

Hi Mountain Mama

I'm glad I hit a chord with you. I am reminiscing a bit more here:

Up until 7 years ago maybe I could still look in the mirror and say , not bad for (insert age).

Before that I was a knockout (so I was told). Yes I'm boasting, but comeon, it's all I got left!

No wonder i had unhappy relationships! Not enjoying sex and being pursued for precisely that makes for a special version of hell. You like the boost to your ego (some Avenites will relate, some not), but it made having a real connection near impossible. And if you give in and try to accomodate, they dump you eventually.

If only I had understood this as an orientation long ago. It would have saved tham and me grief. Many were just as dissappointed as I was. Some should have known better and were less than honest with me or themselves.

As to age and the human condition: Our society places a very high premium on looks in every aspect of life.

Imagine how I feel when I hear my friend speaks of his above mentioned 48ish female friend as "she knows she is still cute in a tomboyish sort of way""

Probably I am not describing this well. But that phrase could have described me just a few years earlier. In fact, many of the things he likes about his friend are my very own qualities, except that she is younger, still "attractive". I actually don't know if she is also sexual, but I assume so.

I describe myself has having "thickened"--but i am hardly obese. Menopause (and the type of work I do) has not been kind. Also, I can't wear normal shoes because of a neuroma (painful to walk--which is my favorite activity) so I look stupid in dresses and skirts -- and my Eastern European origin skin sports a large population of annoying, ugly, non life threatening moles.

Why do you still have to be attractive, if you seek someone who who is disinterested in sex? I guess because appearence is still hired wired. But maybe armed with my new knowledge, I have a slim chance. We'll see.

Males seem (to me at least) to have a "bit" more slack. My male friend is my age exactly, also over weight but not obese. He's well padded, has crooked teeth, hardly has what i would describe as movie star looks, YET: Were it not for his commitment issues, it is very likely he could expect to be paired up as part of a couple. if he really wanted this.

Ah well. I do adore my male friends even though I envy them sometimes. I try not to think about this much anymore. I try to keep my appearance professional, given my work. I don't try to look cute, or stylish anymore.

In fact, short of putting a gun to my head you will not get me to go "out" in anything but jeans and a nice top now.

If there is a non sexual romantic soul mate out there for me, he'll be into the outdoors, blue-jeaned comfort, unpretentious relaxed enjoyment of good conversations, and not be as concerned about my "woman of a certain age" looks. Anything less than that would not work out anyway.

But maybe I can cultivate a "tough rancher women" mystique? You know: plaid wool men's shirt over neat Cotton collared blouse and jeans. White hair. Wizened "wise" face. Hmm.

It's a thought. I had horses once. I can surely sneak one into my townhouse for those special occasions.

Yes I'm kidding. Gotta have a sense of humour.

KG

[kg]

Oh you hit another button with me. Transgendered etc. I used to dress in the 80's in male style clothing. I was in my element. It was the era of David Bowie and the androgynous look after all. So I was tom boyish with conviction! But i still identify as female, who prefers the boys. And no sex thank you. :-)

[osito]

Why do you still have to be attractive, if you seek someone who who is disinterested in sex? I guess because appearance is still hired wired. But maybe armed with my new knowledge, I have a slim chance. We'll see.

This is such an interesting question.

There was a study done many years ago with babies. The babies were shown photographs of peoples' faces (no one they knew)--both those whom the norm defines as 'beautiful' and others who were 'ordinary'. I don't recall if there were also some that would be thought of as ugly. The babies consistently spent more time looking at the 'beautiful' faces than at the others.

So...tough luck for us less than beautiful people, like me. Certainly there are things we can do to enhance our attractiveness, and I have pursued some of those throughout my life. I wear attractive dangly jewelry, my hair is clean and coiffed (but not to any great effort) and combed...but I don't wear makeup unless I'm "going out"--party, special event--and even then, it's minimal.

But I have always thought I did it for myself, or for my friends, or for the whole public at large perhaps, and not usually to be attractive to a potential mate. And being asexual (and confused), I was always ambivalent about attracting anyone, because more often than not, if I reeled one in, sex would be on their short list of expectations. That always frustrated me; if I were interested in a guy (or occasionally a gal) I always wanted to spend a good long time getting to know them before I had any interest in sexual exploration.

And that exploration was not motivated by sexual desire, but rather by a general attraction which included physical and emotional, perhaps romantic attraction. My sexual exploration was my own private 'science project'; I really wanted to untie the Gordian knot and understand why I did not like sex, and I thought that repeated exposure was the way to go.

Well, pshaw.

Much of my life--including now, since my work calls for comfy and practical clothing--I have tended to dress unisex, or in mens' clothing--but with the attention to details mentioned above.

osito

[Mountain Mama]

So true about a general culture of "beauty", whether it's sexually related or not. Osito mentioned the study with babies. Another interesting study was done with elementary school teachers which went something like this...

Fabricated student assessments were created in exact duplicate. On one set, photos of "attractive" students were attached. On the second set, photos of "unattractive" students were attached. Then the assessments were mixed up and given to two sets of teachers who were asked to evaluate the potential of the students based on the assessments.

The teachers all said that the attractive students would do better in life, even 'tho an unattractive student had the same assessment. And that evaluation had nothing to do with sexual attraction.

So I think I'm done for!! Oh, how I wish we were attracted to one another for that ole "inner beauty". Alas ~

And Soma, you asked about intersexuals. These are folks who are born with both male and female sex organs, in various stages of development. Horribly, the medical (and parental) communities used to just choose which gender to make the baby, usually with disastrous results for that child as s/he grew up. Now there are a few enlightened docs and parents who are saying, "No. Let's just wait and see how this child self identifies. Then we'll go with that."

[osito]

Mountain Mama said:

The teachers all said that the attractive students would do better in life, even 'tho an unattractive student had the same assessment. And that evaluation had nothing to do with sexual attraction.

And that suggests that in real life, those teachers will have a bias toward the physically attractive students and encourage them more than they will the unattractive or less attractive students...and thus unfold the sequential advantages of being "pretty". It does seem to be a given that "pretty people" get more promotions, earn more money, have more self-esteem, and it's all very self-supporting. One more iteration of 'more power to the powerful'.

And it ain't fair!

I just don't believe we have to be at the mercy of whatever hard-wiring is driving this, any more than we have to capitulate to knee-jerk anger or racial stereotypes, for example. Part of our responsibility as evolving sapient beings is to spot these biologically-programmed inequities and choose not to act on them, to develop habits (or policies) designed to reduce their effect.

I think I (unless being on the other side warped me irrevocably) would feel this way no matter which side of the "pretty" divide I was on. But I will say that, being on the "ordinary" side and struggling with all the social expectations--I have been negatively affected. It has given me a knee-jerk bias against "pretty people". I can admire their beauty, but then I have to deal with my feelings of resentment and the (sometimes false) projections I put upon them--'shallow, lacking in character, born with a silver spoon in their mouths, got ahead on few real qualifications' etc.

How much more difficult this would all have been had I been sexual!! I can empathize with sexual people caught in the snare of the beauty culture, being repeatedly hurt and rejected. I certainly experienced both hurt and rejection, but not on a sexual level.

Well...this seems like a big topic, and it feels good to rant a bit about it.

osito

[Mountain Mama]

Yes, a big and mighty influential topic indeed. I love your take on it, Osito. It would be truly wonderful if we could evolve to to the point of being able to reflect on, rather than blindly fall into step with, this hard wiring of ours...and its consequences. Then take the time to discern which of "the wiring" to continue living with (as it remains helpful-or interesting) and which to ignore/overcome (as it has become limiting-or actually destructive) as the understandings of, and life's realities on the planet change.

[kg]

An interesting thread spawned from my posts! I have just a few things in response:

It is possible to point out (to others) or recognize beauty bias (in one's self), not to mention other points of friction or "unfairness" (could be called an irrational and unexamined judgement) between human beings in relationships, whatever kind they may be.

One of the things that makes my relationship with my friend so rewarding and valuable is that we do just that for each other. Freeing oneself of the expectation of being sexual or coupled --and with no immediate danger of either of us abandoning the relationship "as it is" because it isn't "the" relationship -- has led both of us to do just that for each other.

When he spoke of his other female friend we spoke of this, my thoughts and feelings in response, and his to mine: such that we surfaced many issues that would otherwise have lain smouldering in a "normal" relationship.

It is possible to retrain the brain. But it takes effort and it's likely to be erased (if not self-reinforced) to fall back on old pathways because of environmental reinforcement of the beauty bias or (insert hard wired component here).

I've read one or two books and a number of studies (papers) centered around reprogramming and growing new neuro pathways -used as a method of therapy.

I will have to dig up the books and forward the names. Doesn't do much for the population at large, but for those who are willing to entertain the idea it may prove revolutionary...

Ah well. Must break off and do some "home work" for my job. Good news is I got a terrific review today from my bosses. So I will have a raise, and so I don't mind the extra work (for the moment).

Given that I was a vicitm of the dot com melt down -- I have to say that the difference between then and now is just amazing. I've much to be grateful for in spite of the challenges of my personal life. At last I now have space enough to work on that area. Try doing that when you are in survivial mode!

Great to have Avenites to talk to!

KG.

[Lookingman]

Why does she have to be a Lesbian? If it's a non-sexual relationship anyway, why can't she just be a very good female friend?

This is a great discussion. Indeed beautiful people do have advantages, but most of us get by fine. We don't have to go overboard to look our best. A lot of us let ourselves go too much, taking too little pride in how we look---especially if we equate looking our best with being a "sexual". Beautiful people especially get advantages from first impressions. Once people get acquainted the initial advantage of beauty tends to fade away. Ugly people who are nice become better looking as we get to know them. The beauties tend to look more plain (normal) as we get to them for more than their looks.

Having said the above, we may gripe about how people look, but I think we all prefer good looking over bad looking---especially in picking someone to sleep with or as a roommate.

In regard to why a woman has to be a lesbian, I think I fully understand. First of all, calling ourselves "asexual" is probably a little misleading for many of us. I doubt there are very many of us who are truly "flatline" asexual. I have erotic feelings, and I have romantic feelings, albeit I have zero yearning to genitally connect with another human being. Nevertheless, I consider myself heterosexual, as it seems, most of us identify with a "sexual" orientation. I am a "straight" male. I don't want romance with a male. I am attracted to females. I have said I could love a lesbian, and indeed I could. I have known some I could indeed love. But a romantic relationship would never likely succeed. A lesbian, as someone who neither needs nor desires sex with a male, is the right kind of woman. Sounds perfect to me. The flip side is that a lesbian is someone whose orientation is to love and be loved by another woman. So she would not be compatible with me, unless perhaps she were really bisexual. In the same sense, one would expect that a lesbian, sexual or asexual, would not be a suitable lover for a straight female, not to mention for a male.

Of course, lesbians can have a lover, and in addition, she can have others as very good female friends. She might even be able to have good male friends!

[Tanwen]

I'm on the 'romantic' end of the scale, but as old as I am and looking as I do...I can flirt outrageously safe in the knowledge that no-one is ever going to take me seriously... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[shonster]

Hi, i'm new to AVEN.

[Mountain Mama]

Anwen ~ Love your take on the whole thing. I'm an ultra-romantic-heterosexual-female-aven who, as Maya Angelou says, "has breasts in a race to my belt!". I've NEVER thought of flirting before. Was just uncomfortable about the whole thing. But the more I recognize and honor my asexuality, (gosh, I think it's been about 10 days now!) I think I may try to learn to flirt too...you know, new life skills and all that. And, as you said, I really don't have to worry about anyone taking me up on this as I'm 58, overweight and definitely not a "looker".

Hi Shonster ~ Welcome to Aven. You've found a great place. Check out all the "boards" and see if anything intrigues you. This place is a lot of fun as well as a place where pretty serious questions can be asked.

[Barb]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to introduce myself, and let you know how much I have enjoyed reading your posts in this section. I can't tell you how happy I am to finally find a place where there are other people who feel as I do. I thought I was the only one. I endured 20 years of marriage and I am just now freshly divorced - all because of this asexuality thing. What a relief to be free!

I am not too old - 40 - but I find the discussions in this section are much more interesting and appropriate than those in other sections. The discussion thread for my hometown is full of 18-20 year olds, and I find it hard to relate.

b.

[Mountain Mama]

Welcome, Barb. As we say here, have a piece of Heck, have several.

I've been here less than a month, myself and, like you, was stunned to discover "my people". Who knew? I've been in two marriages (but you won't have to hit me over the head a third time with that particular 2x4) which unraveled primarily because of my asexuality.

Well, come to think of it, and truth be told, I picked my second husband, not because of love, but because I REALLY wanted to be married, and I thought I could "handle" having sex with him. Wrong! As there was very little love from the beginning, having sex was even more difficult. Ah, well, live and learn.

More later. But for now, again, Welcome!

Mountain Mama

[Barb]

Well, come to think of it, and truth be told, I picked my second husband, not because of love, but because I REALLY wanted to be married, and I thought I could "handle" having sex with him. Wrong! As there was very little love from the beginning, having sex was even more difficult. Ah, well, live and learn.

I had EXACTLY the same feelings when I married my husband. I was only 20 and thought it would be "cool" to be married. What a moron I was.

Thanks for the welcome Mountain Mama. Wow, this site is HUGE! I've spent the last few hours looking around. I am amazed that there are so many asexuals out there. I feel like I found a home.

b.

[mackat5]

Glad you like the place!! It's a great place to come and check out what's happening.