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How do you meet older asexuals?


Papillon

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Hi, me again...

As a newcomer, I have two questions:

Question 1: I was browsing through the polls section and was really surprised to see that such a large percentage of members are so young - that is, in their twenties or younger. My therapist says that people that young aren't mature enough or have enough life experience to label themselves as asexual. What do you think?

Question 2: Why is it that when I check out people's profiles, so many of them refuse to reveal their age? They write in phrases like "tell you later" or "you'll have to guess". Why the big secret?

b.

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Mountain Mama

Hi Barb,

I'll take a go at it. Although I have no idea why someone chooses not to put their age in their profile, or their location for that matter-and I sure wish the would-I have a guess, and only a guess, about the presence of the large number of folks here who are in their 20's (and in their teens, as I've seen AVENs as young as 15).

Here's my hunch, and I think I'd disagree with your therapist's statement on this point. For someone who is as asexual (but deeply romantic) as I am, it's interesting that I am so extremely interested in questions of gender, sexual orientation, romantic/love orientation etc. Or maybe this interest/obsession with understanding "varied humanity"--check with Freed Spirit on this one--has grown so, precisely because of my asexuality.

Anyway, as I'm listening more and more to peoples' stories about their own gender and sexual orientation awareness, I hear 90 percent of them say things such as, "I knew I was gay when I was a child." Or, "Even tho' I had the body of a boy, I knew I was a girl even in elementary school." It occurs to me that we who are heterosexual (whether sexual or asexual) don't have such similar times of awareness because our societies have always assumed, correctly or incorrectly, that heterosexuality was the "norm". For example, while fish probably don't have a time of awareness that they are, in fact, in the water, a salamander does have a time of awareness of the difference between water and land, because the water is not his whole world. Which is to say, living in cultures which "swim" in hetersexuality, hetersexuals don't have the same opportunities for periods of "discovery" as do "amphibians".

A somewhat crude analogy, I know, but hang in there with me, o.k? Over the past 3-4 weeks, since discovering AVEN, I've been reflecting back on my own life and I've been thinking...if I had access say, 41 years ago, to the information that some of the 17 year olds do today, I think I would have had enough self awareness to know that I was asexual. Maybe not before then, but by 17, I would have known. Instead, not having any language or "categories" (not sure they're always helpful, but carrying on...) with which to understand what was going on, I just had beautiful beautiful fantasies of my deeply loved boyfriend--at 58 I still think of him--and I living in apartments right next door to each other for the rest of our lives!!! Probably not a typical teenage dream, but it was mine, and it was cherished.

And who knows, as we learn more and more about ourselves, and gender and sexual orientation, we may discover that this type of teenage dream is more "typical" than we now think. I know one of the "percentage category" I'd like to challenge even now is the one related to same sex sexual orientation. The latest "per centage of the population" figures I've seen are 10-11 per cent. But as so very many gay and lesbian people are in the closet, my guess is that this per centage is much much higher than that. My oldest son, who is gay, has really opened my eyes to this.

And I'd be willing to put good money--if I had any, LOL--on a bet that as we talk more and more and learn more and more about asexuality, very soon we will acknowledge that the percentage of asexuals is significantly higher than 1 per cent of the population.

And, of course, this little treatise (!) doesn't even begin to include all of us who are not firmly ensconsed within a category! Some of us are, and some of us aren't. And, someday, when we acknowledge all of us, in all of our variety, I think life will become incredibly more interesting.

Well, this has gone on long enough. So for now, I'll just say again, that with information such as AVEN out and about, it's not too hard for me to imagine that teen agers might be able to know that yes, they are, in fact, asexual, much earlier than we did. Had I known about asexuality when I was 17, I think I would have known by then, maybe not earlier, but definitely by 17, I would have known that I was asexual.

Although what I wanted to do with that knowledge would probably have remained an unknown!

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Hi Barb. About that age thing...speaking just for myself, I always have been more than a bit shy, and I just don't like to put my birthdate out to much of anybody. Just my innate shyness coming out. OTH, I don't mind saying that I am 65 this year.

About the young people, I have heard of gays/lesbians knowing that they were gay/lesbian as small children. I should think that would work as well with asexuals, too.

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Thank you so much Mountain Mama and mackat5. You have really helped my understanding.

I guess if I had known about asexuality at age 17, I too would have identified with it. But, as you know, asexuality is such a new concept in terms of research. I probably still would have gotten married though, as it was the socially-acceptable thing to do. Plus my family would have freaked out if I didn't! They already think I am crazy because I chose not to have children, but I couldn't bear the idea of frequent sex trying to conceive. Or the idea of pregnancy, labour and delivery for that matter.

b.

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Hi, me again...

As a newcomer, I have two questions:

Question: Why is it that when I check out people's profiles, so many of them refuse to reveal their age? They write in phrases like "tell you later" or "you'll have to guess". Why the big secret?

b.

Good question. Many refuse to reveal gender as well, which is bizarre. BTW, you have a nice profile. I would think you should be a good "catch" for another asexual. Welcome to AVEN

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About the age: "You'll have to guess" is what shows up by default if you don't want to enter your birthdate, which a lot of people (understandably) wouldn't want to do, because it's the internet, and there are good reasons to be protective of your personal information. Although, if I'm not mistaken, only the admins would have access to your birthdate. Unless the site got hacked, in which case... *points back to there being good reasons*

Gender probably gets left off peoples' profiles because (like Mountain Mama said) there are quite a few people here who don't fit neatly into one category or another. Either that, or they don't think it's relevant. *raises hand on both counts*

At any rate, chances are that if someone's left either one of those bits of information off their profile, they're probably not looking for a relationship anyway...

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Hi,

Thanks for your input. I guess I included my age, sex, location, etc. because I AM looking for someone, and those are good starting points. But you are right - a lot of people are seeking something completely different from this forum.

b.

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Wellcome,Barb,I wish you good luck in your seeking.I suposse that you'll find somebody soon,problably, there are thousands of men seeking a woman like you.¡¡¡¡go on!!! :)

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Hi, me again...

As a newcomer, I have two questions:

Question 1: I was browsing through the polls section and was really surprised to see that such a large percentage of members are so young - that is, in their twenties or younger. My therapist says that people that young aren't mature enough or have enough life experience to label themselves as asexual. What do you think?

Question 2: Why is it that when I check out people's profiles, so many of them refuse to reveal their age? They write in phrases like "tell you later" or "you'll have to guess". Why the big secret?

b.

Hi Barb,

Question 2 first. I just had my 55th birthday. As for peoples profile, if you don't designate your birthday then it posts something like. "You will have to guess". I don't have my real birth date posted for security reasons, but I have a date that is close enough so that my age is accurate.

Question 1: Frankly, your therapist is wrong and you can tell them that from me. By the time I was 12 years old, I KNEW I never wanted to have sex. I knew I wanted to be a hermit. I knew I was NEVER going to marry.

Now I was very mature for my age. I did the family banking, grocery shopping, household chores and babysat my brothers and sisters and anything else my mom needed me to do, from 8years old and upwards. My dad was a career marine and he was gone most of the time fighting for the freedom that we all now enjoy. So I never really was a kid doing just kid things and thinking like a kid. So your therapist might say, that many younger people aren't mature enough to make life decisions, but they should never say that all are not mature enough to make decisions as to what they are, who they are, what lifestyle they wish to live and etc.

Now, I never heard the word asexual back then. I knew I was different from the other kids. I considered other orientations but they didnt fit me. But I KNEW I was asexual, even though there wasn't a designation for that orientation as of yet. Oh, and I thought I was the only one. Which is very scarey for a kid to think there isn't anyone else like them and they are all alone in the universe.

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Wellcome,Barb,I wish you good luck in your seeking.I suposse that you'll find somebody soon,problably, there are thousands of men seeking a woman like you.¡¡¡¡go on!!! :)

Yes, I suspect you are right that there are thousands of guys seeking an asexual woman. But finding an older asexual woman is not easy. I wonder if it is because most menopausal women are asexual? Studies have shown that about half of the women of the world do not get orgasmica pleasure from the sex act. Yet, most women have no trouble being married to sexual guys---it seems.

As an asexual guy I find few and far between women interested. One wonders if women, asexual or not, find that asexual guys are too flawed?

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Hey Barb, and welcome, I too am considered a newbie and I had the same questions as you. I have NO trouble saying my age, I am a wonderful 58 yrs young. soon to be 59. I would love to meet some asexuals my age. I miss the companship of a man who would love to go to dinner, cook over here, see a movie travel and without the sex. I too have no desire for it. And I would never look at them as weird, in fact I would say " THANK GOD " Why are people afraid to say there age?

Hi, me again...

As a newcomer, I have two questions:

Question 1: I was browsing through the polls section and was really surprised to see that such a large percentage of members are so young - that is, in their twenties or younger. My therapist says that people that young aren't mature enough or have enough life experience to label themselves as asexual. What do you think?

Question 2: Why is it that when I check out people's profiles, so many of them refuse to reveal their age? They write in phrases like "tell you later" or "you'll have to guess". Why the big secret?

b.

Hi Barb,

Question 2 first. I just had my 55th birthday. As for peoples profile, if you don't designate your birthday then it posts something like. "You will have to guess". I don't have my real birth date posted for security reasons, but I have a date that is close enough so that my age is accurate.

Question 1: Frankly, your therapist is wrong and you can tell them that from me. By the time I was 12 years old, I KNEW I never wanted to have sex. I knew I wanted to be a hermit. I knew I was NEVER going to marry.

Now I was very mature for my age. I did the family banking, grocery shopping, household chores and babysat my brothers and sisters and anything else my mom needed me to do, from 8years old and upwards. My dad was a career marine and he was gone most of the time fighting for the freedom that we all now enjoy. So I never really was a kid doing just kid things and thinking like a kid. So your therapist might say, that many younger people aren't mature enough to make life decisions, but they should never say that all are not mature enough to make decisions as to what they are, who they are, what lifestyle they wish to live and etc.

Now, I never heard the word asexual back then. I knew I was different from the other kids. I considered other orientations but they didnt fit me. But I KNEW I was asexual, even though there wasn't a designation for that orientation as of yet. Oh, and I thought I was the only one. Which is very scarey for a kid to think there isn't anyone else like them and they are all alone in the universe.

:)
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I am also surprised that people are reluctant to say where they're located, putting down places like "outer space" or "Wouldn't you like to know." This is discouraging, as I would think that asexual people would actually be trying to find each other. Maybe this just goes to prove we've got a long way to go in getting over the stigma and 'shame' of being asexual.

Amen to that you are so right.

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Barb, I also think your therapist has missed the mark. If there's anything that adolescents are sensitive to, it's how they fit (or not) into the social milieu and whether or not they truly share the interests, passions, obsessions of their peers.

What I see over and over as I read the posts of younger AVENites is that they see clearly that they are different from their peers on several important parameters. But because there is so much pressure to conform, they have often not dared to "come out" as asexual. When I read these posts I remember how clear my own perceptions were of my differences, of my disinterest in sex--which often became an aversion whenever anyone pushed me. I missed puberty. Or it missed me. Ho, hum. But like many young people (before they come here), I could not label, contextualize or understand much of this. I thought I must be the only one like me.

Retrospectively, I think the clues go waaay back. Like Ziffler, I knew at an early age that I would never marry, and at age 9 told my parents.

There's actually a whole forum dedicated to helping AVENites meet others in their areas--the Meetup Mart. It looks like a pretty active forum.

There's a certain chic on internet forums in crafting an otherworldly locus for oneself--hyperspace or geostationary orbit or Area 51.

I'm 64, and am happy to declare it here (and certainly don't feel that old in many respects). But in my various lives I spend a lot of time with people half my age or younger, and generally have great rapport with them. Given the anonymity of an internet forum, I would not want to be erroneously compartmentalized by someone a lot younger whose only contact with people my age has been parents or professors or other authority figures. I'm doggedly egalitarian and would like to see a lot of age discrimination (both ways) go away, without forgetting for a minute that we who are long in the tooth have a cornucopia of experience, wisdom, judgment and stories to share.

Like Mountain Mama, I also think that as more asexuals discover their identities and orientations, we're going to find that we're a much greater percentage than one. And I agree completely with what she said about heterosexuals having no means of self-discovery in a comparative way. There's nothing for them to discover along the hetero/homo axis, and for sexuals, there is likewise no easy way for them to appreciate asexuality.

What would I have done differently, had I known at 17 that I was asexual, with a clear sense of what it meant and a certainty that there was a growing multitude of others in the world like me? Probably not much, except hope that we less flamboyant As might wear a discreet little pin like the MENSA folks do, or maybe get a tattoo so we could recognize one another. I would probably have led the life I have led. With a lot less angst.

osito

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  • 11 months later...
Hi. New to AVEN. Great to see older folks here. I am 56, male. Let me tell you there are many asexual men---if asexual is the right word. As men get older many become impotent for a variety of reasons. I have been impotent for probably 10 years due to extra-low testosterone (T-One) production. T-One (sounds like a formula for race cars) is a formula for getting people to have sex. Eunuchs are completely empty of T-One, and they can't get aroused enough to perform.

We eunuchs need love, and have lots of love to give---too. I thought it was interesting that somebody said 70% of menopausal women were asexual! If true, I sure wish they would act like it, and come out of the closet!

Lux, not all men are sexual. That is totally cool sounding for Issilote's relationship. The sexual has sex with others, and makes love with his loving asexual mate! Too cool. In my case, Do I need to look for a sexual woman? LOL.

............... thought it was interesting that somebody said 70% of menopausal women were asexual! If true, I sure wish they would act like it, and come out of the closet!

I am a 60 yr old widow & post meno LOL......would love to meet a man who wanted a relationship "sans sex" LOL

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  • 4 weeks later...
All of the asexuals I have met in person have been members of this board.

Most of them are younger than I am, but that's just the nature of the internet.

Another reality is that asexuals have to adapt - one way or another - to feeling like misfits or social outcasts for most of their lives.

By the time they have survived long enough to be considered "older", many of them are no longer interested in risking any kind of committed, long-term relationships.

-GB

new to this, won't bore with my story, but this quote is the absolute perfect summation of my life so far.

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It's hard to meet older asexuals because we don't look any different! Probably the same with younger asexuals, or middle-aged asexuals. Until we get a commonly-agreed-upon pin, meeting will be difficult. I don't know whether I'd ever want to wear a pin if I'd have to explain it to people all the time. It's one thing to do that when you're 23; another when you're very very old and don't have much patience for anything. (But it's not pleasant at 23 either, I imagine.)

So...we need more publicity and more designated places to meet. For all I know, half the people I see on the street are asexual but I and they would never know.

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Dunno if they are flawed or not...have never met one.

Hi....I am a soon to be 61 yr old asexual lady in Oregon...nice to meet you all

As an asexual guy I find few and far between women interested. One wonders if women, asexual or not, find that asexual guys are too flawed?

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It's hard to meet older asexuals because we don't look any different! Probably the same with younger asexuals, or middle-aged asexuals. Until we get a commonly-agreed-upon pin, meeting will be difficult.

I don't know whether I'd ever want to wear a pin if I'd have to explain it to people all the time. It's one thing to do that when you're 23; another when you're very very old and don't have much patience for anything.

(But it's not pleasant at 23 either, I imagine.)

So...we need more publicity and more designated places to meet. For all I know, half the people I see on the street are asexual but I and they would never know.

Yo to this post!

Have we met before Sally?

Were you in my "Advanced Curmudgeon" classes? :lol:

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Have we met before Sally?

Were you in my "Advanced Curmudgeon" classes? :lol:

I taught them! :rolleyes:

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Guest disjointed

I think what doesn't suprise me but seems to stump sexuals is that they can't understand why I would still have standards?

Because I do not want sex with my hopefull future partner Doesn't mean I want an incompatable partner.

My standards are the same as if I was sexual, a reasonable look, with a physical style and a mental compatability. That doesn't change because I am Asexual.

I'm 45 and have resigned myself to thinking with my head I will remain single but hoping with my heart I will find someone to share my life with.

Being Asexual should never mean you accept second best, it does mean being more patient though

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Have we met before Sally?

Were you in my "Advanced Curmudgeon" classes? :lol:

I taught them! :rolleyes:

This is priceless.

I think we need another thread!

-GB

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Dunno if they are flawed or not...have never met one.

Hi....I am a soon to be 61 yr old asexual lady in Oregon...nice to meet you all

As an asexual guy I find few and far between women interested. One wonders if women, asexual or not, find that asexual guys are too flawed?

So...only *perfect* as women utilize this site? Puhleeze!! Though a fairly recent member, I have been all over this site and the general consensus of almost everyone not afflicted by a medical condition is they male, female and gender benders, view themselves as misfits, nonconformists, abberations of Nature, so being flawed is a misnomer here!! Why such and such groups are hesitant to contact each other?

I'll go way out on a limb, cause waffle ain't my style, and theorize, EVERYONE, forms responses and make decisions based on their very own life experiences(physical, emotional etc) the DEGREE of discomfort or satisfaction enables/shackles their desire to do so. Example: Though a long term sexually abused now turned as female courageously decides to seek male companionship, she may (duh) be fearful of doing so and appease her tormented psyche by reading or contributing to others viewpoints, to me, that's like hitting yourself over the head with a baseball bat, feels so...good when you stop!! ;)

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So...only *perfect* as women utilize this site?
My Mother taught me that ALL Women are "sugar and spice and all things Nice!"

And that Santa is real,

And that the Tooth Fair..... Wait a Minute !!

............ I think i'm having an epiphany ...........

:P

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there is a site called celibatepassions.com They let you submit ideas for new catagories. Why not send them the idea for an Asexy catagory...if none of those listed fit what we are looking for.

Also, I have a celibate forum on Delphi...

http://forums.delphiforums.com/secondseason/start

Come over there & put where you are from etc & it might help us get a better idea of proximity.

CP

Wellcome,Barb,I wish you good luck in your seeking.I suposse that you'll find somebody soon,problably, there are thousands of men seeking a woman like you.¡¡¡¡go on!!! :)

Yes, I suspect you are right that there are thousands of guys seeking an asexual woman. But finding an older asexual woman is not easy. I wonder if it is because most menopausal women are asexual? Studies have shown that about half of the women of the world do not get orgasmica pleasure from the sex act. Yet, most women have no trouble being married to sexual guys---it seems.

As an asexual guy I find few and far between women interested. One wonders if women, asexual or not, find that asexual guys are too flawed?

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I am not exactly certain I understand your post here. Are you saying that a woman, having been abused, is reluctant to express her own viewpoint?

Jay

As an asexual guy I find few and far between women interested. One wonders if women, asexual or not, find that asexual guys are too flawed?

So...only *perfect* as women utilize this site? Puhleeze!! Though a fairly recent member, I have been all over this site and the general consensus of almost everyone not afflicted by a medical condition is they male, female and gender benders, view themselves as misfits, nonconformists, abberations of Nature, so being flawed is a misnomer here!! Why such and such groups are hesitant to contact each other?

I'll go way out on a limb, cause waffle ain't my style, and theorize, EVERYONE, forms responses and make decisions based on their very own life experiences(physical, emotional etc) the DEGREE of discomfort or satisfaction enables/shackles their desire to do so. Example: Though a long term sexually abused now turned as female courageously decides to seek male companionship, she may (duh) be fearful of doing so and appease her tormented psyche by reading or contributing to others viewpoints, to me, that's like hitting yourself over the head with a baseball bat, feels so...good when you stop!! ;)

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Nice to meet you. I am a 60 yr old widow.....I am "out of the closet" & post on celibatepassions.com as well as plentyoffish.com listing NOT looking for a lover :0)

Visit my celibate forum (brand new)

http://forums.delphiforums.com/secondseason/start

Cherie

Hi. New to AVEN. Great to see older folks here. I am 56, male. Let me tell you there are many asexual men---if asexual is the right word. As men get older many become impotent for a variety of reasons. I have been impotent for probably 10 years due to extra-low testosterone (T-One) production. T-One (sounds like a formula for race cars) is a formula for getting people to have sex. Eunuchs are completely empty of T-One, and they can't get aroused enough to perform.

We eunuchs need love, and have lots of love to give---too. I thought it was interesting that somebody said 70% of menopausal women were asexual! If true, I sure wish they would act like it, and come out of the closet!

Lux, not all men are sexual. That is totally cool sounding for Issilote's relationship. The sexual has sex with others, and makes love with his loving asexual mate! Too cool. In my case, Do I need to look for a sexual woman? LOL.

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Thanks for the (many) mentions of your celibate forum, chatterbox. From my reading of AVEN, most of us don't think of ourselves as celibate. There's quite a difference between being celibate and being asexual, both in experience and outlook. Being asexual has nothing to do with flaws or faults or virtues or anything except---we're asexual, i.e. we feel no sexual attraction. Otherwise, we span the globe, metaphorically and literally. There is a meetup mart on AVEN if you wish to meet someone.

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I guess I will go back & rename the forum as celibate and asexual then. I just wanted to include all folks who...for whatever reason....choose to live a sex free life.

I know some folks are asexual from birth & others seem to become either less inclined to want sex or are no longer able .......is that asexual??

thank you for your reply..

Cherie

Thanks for the (many) mentions of your celibate forum, chatterbox. From my reading of AVEN, most of us don't think of ourselves as celibate. There's quite a difference between being celibate and being asexual, both in experience and outlook. Being asexual has nothing to do with flaws or faults or virtues or anything except---we're asexual, i.e. we feel no sexual attraction. Otherwise, we span the globe, metaphorically and literally. There is a meetup mart on AVEN if you wish to meet someone.
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I guess I will go back & rename the forum as celibate and asexual then. I just wanted to include all folks who...for whatever reason....choose to live a sex free life.

I know some folks are asexual from birth & others seem to become either less inclined to want sex or are no longer able .......is that asexual??

It can get complicated, but the key point is asexuals don't feel sexual attraction to other people. We may end up having sex for various reasons: societal expectations, wanting to please partner, sometimes enjoying it. But there's no attraction to anyone sexually. It really isn't a choice thing, because you either feel sexual attraction or you don't -- you don't choose it. Celibacy can be called a matter of choice (either religious, lifestyle-related, or otherwise) -- it's just going without sex.

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