canatuna02 Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 Hello all, I'm new to this asexual thing. It's not something I thought was a serious thing until now. I'm currently a 22 year old male dating a 26 year old female. We've been together now a little over a year. At first, she was very intimate with me and then over time, it just stopped. We've been living together now for about 5 months. And I feel as though she has lost interest in me. She says that she has always been like this and is just uninterested in sex. I asked her if she was asexual and she thinks she "most likely" is. I told her that I feel unwanted and unattractive but she says that she still wants me and finds me attractive. People of AVEN I need your help please! I want to understand why she feels this way and eventually be ok with this. Because right now I feel as though I've lost my best friend and my life partner. Please help me. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 I do not know if your girl friend is asexual or not... There is no way to tell from online... If she really is asexual, and not just saying that because she's like bored or something, then remember... asexuality is not about rejecting you as a person, it's just about not being interested in having sex with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Placebo Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 I'm sorry, you sound sad. and welcome to the boards. First, it might be supportive for you to check out the sexual allies subforum on this board, many of them are in the same position that you're in. They might be able to help. Secondly, everything I've read suggests that the best bet for a good relationship of any kind is open communication. So if you can, it's probably best that you two talk about whether/how much you're willing to compromise, how you feel, etc. Thirdly, it sounds like a lot of your concern stems around your SO pulling away from you and making you feel unwanted. So possible things to think about are like, what exactly is it that she used to do that she does no longer that makes you feel unwanted and unattractive? Sex alone? sex plus cuddling? Is she pulling away completely--not talking to you, touching you, interacting with you AND not cuddling or having sex? Because that last one might be a really big red flag. Or not, depending on how much she likes touching. Also, if you guys were really intimate before and you're not any longer, that might be something to look into--(standard disclaimer--sudden changes in interest in sex might but are not necessarily related to a deeper medical problem). But if she says she's always been like this then maybe not so much. From my perspective, I have heard that sexual people feel unwanted if their partners don't find them sexually attractive. However, I don't view people sexually and so that whole concept is a little alien to me. Suffice it to say that if she's asexual, it's entirely possible that she is telling the truth and really does still like you, she just doesn't want sex. Of course, why she was ok with intimate activities is still unresolved. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Hallucigenia Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 Hi, Catatuna. Your feelings in this situation are pretty normal for the sexual partner of an asexual. It's normal to feel unattractive and unwanted when you first find out that the person you love has no sexual desire for you. Fortunately, those feelings are usually inaccurate. Many asexuals in sexual relationships are deeply in love with their partners, finding them attractive in aesthetic and emotional and even physical ways, but just not connecting any of that to a desire for sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Kallan Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 If she really is asexual, and not just saying that because she's like bored or something, then remember... asexuality is not about rejecting you as a person, it's just about not being interested in having sex with you. Actually it's about not being interested in having sex with anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
scorpion Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 Hello all, I'm new to this asexual thing. It's not something I thought was a serious thing until now. I'm currently a 22 year old male dating a 26 year old female. We've been together now a little over a year. At first, she was very intimate with me and then over time, it just stopped. We've been living together now for about 5 months. And I feel as though she has lost interest in me. She says that she has always been like this and is just uninterested in sex. I asked her if she was asexual and she thinks she "most likely" is. I told her that I feel unwanted and unattractive but she says that she still wants me and finds me attractive. People of AVEN I need your help please! I want to understand why she feels this way and eventually be ok with this. Because right now I feel as though I've lost my best friend and my life partner. Please help me. Thank you Hi, I do hope this site helps with some of your questions. From my perspective I view her behavior as normal. The thing is that most of us asexuals still may want to be with someone (romantic ones at least) and are extremely capable of intense love and connection with the one we love. The main difference is that we don't require sex to make that connection IMO. I understand that it may be hard to not take it personally but believe me-it's not. It sounds like she is highly attracted to you, just not sexually. It's not YOU that she is "rejecting", it's the sexual stuff that she has no interest in. I understand where she is coming from on this...for years I tried to be what society considers "normal". I had to do the sex thing even though it didn't interest me. Even tried to make myself believe that there was something wrong with me or that I was broken. Years of therapy, all the time and money spent only to find this site. Imagine how relieved I was to be enlightened! Take it easy on yourself. There are still ways to make it work if you are truely in love. Besides...even if someone is asexual, it doesn't mean that they CAN'T have sex. She may be willing to negotiate with you on this. Keep negotiating until you find something that will please you both. You are young and have time on your side. (((((hugs))))) Scorpion Link to post Share on other sites
John Mira Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 I really feel for you and your frustration. The important thing to remember is that for many asexuals, including myself and possibly her, the desire to have sex is simply not part of our world. It's quite possible you are everything she could ever want. She may love you to pieces in every way imaginable. Not desiring sex from you doesn't automatically mean otherwise. But, I don't know your girlfriend nor yourself, so you'll have to try to figure out your own situation --including if you think you are able to do without sex with your life partner. I wish I could be of more help. Best of luck to you, though! Link to post Share on other sites
canatuna02 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 To all, Thank you for helping me understand a little more about this situation. Everything that has been said has been more than helpful. It's nice to know that there are people in this world who are familiar with my situation. Thanks again. I'll keep everyone updated. Canatuna02 Link to post Share on other sites
ghosts Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Moving this to For Sexual Partners, Friends & Allies. :) -ghosts, Relationships mod Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 canatuna02, Regarding why she may have been more willing to do things at first: Generally in the beginning of a relationship there is less of a sense of demand. Like each partner can pretty much say when they are ready to progress to the next step freely. So it is easier for some people to compromise in the beginning because there is less pressure. But once you break each barrier, that activity starts to become expected. Like once you kiss for the first time, it is assumed that you will continue to kiss on a regular, and oftentimes more frequent, basis. The same thing goes for sex - once you do it, it is sort of assumed that you will do it again. The second time you do something it confirms that this will be a repeat activity. So every time you engage in a sexual activity, the pressure to do it again rises, and the asexual may start resisting this feeling of expectation and pressure. Even if you, the sexual, are not putting direct pressure on her, she may still feel that if she did it once she has to do it again, and pressure herself, which makes it more distasteful and harder to compromise. It is a nasty downward spiral. Also, you could view sexual behavior as a cup that is being filled up. When you first meet, the cup is empty. The asexual may be willing to compromise because they haven't had to do anything sexual for a while, so their tolerance of sexual activity is higher. But as sexual activity becomes regular, the cup starts filling up until it overflows at the mere mention of sexual activity, and the asexual is no longer willing/able to compromise until s/he has had time for the "sexual content" in her life to go away for a little bit - for the cup to drain out and make a little more room for some more sexual activity, if that makes sense. And unfortunately if the cup is really full, even the mention of sexual activity is enough to make it overflow again, so a sexual partner who even brings up the possibility of engaging in some sort of activity is undermining the asexual's ability to compromise again. All of this is very hard for the sexual to understand. Especially if the asexual did not know s/he was asexual in the beginning, and does not understand his/her own emotions and motivations. That is how I was in my marriage. It was easier to compromise at first and even I did not understand why it got harder and harder until I could hardly even touch him. Hope that helps. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 "Actually it's about not being interested in having sex with anyone." Well... yeah... that's what I meant. :D Link to post Share on other sites
kraftee Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Please help me, if at all possible. First, I am new to all things computer so I don't know the etiquette or lingo in order to do this right. Sorry! I will try to do it right. Second, I am a lesbian in a 12 year relationship. We are both taking medications and I have several health problems. Long story even longer, we haven't had sex for years. I thought it was my fault because of many reasons, although I had desire and handled it myself (pun intended). Move to the present, my spouse informs me that she is asexual. You would think I would be relieved----wouldn't ya!?!? Not really!?? I want to know if there are other partners out there who I can talk to or meet with, you know, like a support group for partners, maybe, pleeeeaaassseee! Thanks for listening (or is it reading when it is on the computer?) Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Please help me, if at all possible. First, I am new to all things computer so I don't know the etiquette or lingo in order to do this right. Sorry! I will try to do it right. Second, I am a lesbian in a 12 year relationship. We are both taking medications and I have several health problems. Long story even longer, we haven't had sex for years. I thought it was my fault because of many reasons, although I had desire and handled it myself (pun intended). Move to the present, my spouse informs me that she is asexual. You would think I would be relieved----wouldn't ya!?!? Not really!?? I want to know if there are other partners out there who I can talk to or meet with, you know, like a support group for partners, maybe, pleeeeaaassseee! Thanks for listening (or is it reading when it is on the computer?) Hi Kraftee, Aven is a terrific support group, actually. Another site (featuring the sexual half of the equation only), is http://p080.ezboard.com/fsexlessmarriagefrm7 best of luck, -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
maufry Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 At first, she was very intimate with me and then over time, it just stopped. That is how I generally am in my relationships. I find that, at first, the energy of the infatuation makes me more amenable to more sexually intimate acts. But, the more I get to know and care for and respect that other person, the less I want to do that stuff. For me personally, it's partly because I don't understand how one can have sex with someone they respect. And as I get to know the guy, that stuff is just less interesting - not because I've lost interest in him as a person, but because I've gained interest. I know sexuals have a hard time understanding that, though. I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Yeah, maufry, it is kind of strange the way sexuals get when they are being...er...sexual. They kind of become a stranger to you. So it is easier for someone you don't know intimately to become a stranger. But then you get to know them, and they want to keep switching personalities on you all the time...from someone you know and like/love to someone you'd really rather not be around... Okay, I know sexual people don't really switch personalities, but to an asexual person, you are so intimate with a person in so many ways, and then suddenly they go into this mode that you totally do not understand or share, and oftentimes they get very demanding in this mode...it is more than a little alienating. Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 ...you are so intimate with a person in so many ways, and then suddenly they go into this mode that you totally do not understand or share, and oftentimes they get very demanding in this mode...it is more than a little alienating. It's a symptom of the disconnect rather than some strange behavior on the part of sexuals, Em. I know I used to feel the same way with my wife... we would be intimate, loving, close, and then I would cross some invisible line and the sirens would begin to wail and the steel doors would clang shut. It's hard not to take that personally (and, yes, feel alienated). I think why this is ultimately so threatening to a relationship is that the disconnect comes when both sides are at their most vulnerable. The asexual and sexual response is to pull back, re-create the defenses, protect oneself. At its core, a healthy relationship is built on trust... on the ability to be vulnerable and intimate with your partner. And that's exactly when the A/S divide rears its ugly head (for both partners). :? -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Yeah I think that is exactly why this is such a problem, Chiaro. Both parties are definitely at their most vulnerable and then WHAM!!! Each starts acting in a way that makes no sense to the other. Sorry if I came across as hostile. Link to post Share on other sites
maufry Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Maybe that's another part of my problem. I don't see that kind of stuff as either intimate or vulnerable. Maybe b/c I'm female, and I always see the guy's part in sex as being really agressive. So to me, it's like he goes from someone tender and affectionate (the beginning stages, the kissing etc) to someone agressive and dominating. And thanks, M51, I never really thought of it as a personality switch. But that's exactly what it feels like. It's good to have another way to explain. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 I don't see that kind of stuff as either intimate or vulnerable. ... So to me, it's like he goes from someone tender and affectionate (the beginning stages, the kissing etc) to someone agressive and dominating. It's the "tender and affectionate beginning stages" where the vulnerability lies. You are opening yourself up to him. Trusting him. Trusting that he cares for you and really wants to be with you. Then, all of a sudden, that warm, good, safe feeling is torn away and you feel like you're looking at someone totally different. -Chiaroscuro PS - EM, you didn't come across as hostile, it's just me playing my appointed role as one of Aven's sexual advocates :) I think it's important to keep repeating over and over again... it's the conflict that's the problem, not the orientations of the people involved. Link to post Share on other sites
square peg Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 M51 and maufry, you've put into words my several of my exact feelings in this thread :D I've only ever got to the kiss stage thankfully, and it happened just as you describe. I was comfortable with it at the time, so thought it wouldn't be a compromise, until the realisation came that I'd now sealed my fate and was trapped. The pressure was then on to always check for the signs of the desire that I didn't share, keeping the pretense up, trying to read something foreign to me. It was as if he'd started speaking a language I was still learning and would never feel as comfortable with as my native tongue. So yes, they suddenly seemed like a stranger because the relationship changed from one where we were on the same page to one where we weren't. I wouldn't be able to relax around him anymore because I'd too busy analysing each situation for signs of what's appropriate and seems genuine. When I called it off I was terrified he'd think I was leading him on the whole time. Really I just didn't anticipate how different that pressure would make me feel in his company. Link to post Share on other sites
yay Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 canatuna02, to asexuals it's like sexiness does not exist to us. There are handsome men and not handsome men. It's sort of how a straight guy would look at guys... you recognise that some guys are good looking but you don't want to have sex with them. Your girlfriend probably finds you attractive, just not in that way... and girls actually aren't that picky when it comes to a man's body so I think the way you look has nothing to do with her lack of sexual attraction. Think of when you were a kid, before you knew anything about sex, and how you liked a girl. You didn't want to do things to that girl or see her naked, but you loved her smile and you wanted to hold hands and be her best friend. Puppy love I guess? It's like that... sort of like platonic love. That's probably what your girlfriend feels for you, she must love you, she's just not interested in sex. It's like disagreeing on a hobby... it's like you like hockey, and she doesn't. She doesn't want to watch hockey with you. She doesn't want to watch hockey with anyone else either. She just doesn't care about hockey and it's not your fault, it's her own personal interests. Link to post Share on other sites
jipz Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 i just figured out about a week ago whats been going on with my husband. your story is exactly like mine except i have two children and 16 years later. i've been miserable and lonely all of them years. he had sex with me a few times just to keep me quiet for a period and allowed me to get pregnant ''i think'' because it might take my mind off of wanting sex. i've been asking him for years why he doesent want to have sex with me, all get is '' i dont know''. i thought it was me. i blamed myself, beat myself up, become depressed and had to be put on medication. he was never honest with me from the start or i wouldnt have stayed. i have been a stay at home mother now most of our marriage and im very dependent on him now which is what i think he wanted. financially im stuck!!! my husband allowed me to think that he was just impotant, i took him to specialist and he took errection medication but still never had that ''drive'' that comes natural. he can go forever and never think about it or want it. he's not effectionate for fear that i might want more. it has ruined my life, my selfesteem and my self confidence. i found this website and felt like someone kicked me. everyones stories are just like my life and i discovered whats actually wrong with him. all i think about now is '' god if only i had seen the signs when i met him''!! i would never had done this to myself if i has only known. im 41 now and i want out of this mess..... soooo if you have a chance to move on........by all means love yourself enough to do it!! you will find love somewhere else with someone that wants to RETURN IT!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
maufry Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 soooo if you have a chance to move on........by all means love yourself enough to do it!! you will find love somewhere else with someone that wants to RETURN IT!!!!! It's not that we don't love our partners. It's just that we see a difference b/t erotic love and romantic love. We don't feel that the two HAVE to go together. In fact, we don't feel the need for erotic love whatsoever. Romantic love is all we need, and for some of us, it's all we're capable of. I'm not saying anyone should stay in a relationship where they're not happy, by any means. But please don't imply that just b/c we don't like to screw that means we don't truly love the people we're with. Link to post Share on other sites
jipz Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 im not implying anything really.... my husband just strung me along and because i had to live all these years fighting to help him, thinking he was impotent, it made me bitter and very miserable towards him. my anger is towards him. im just finding this out and i had to do it all alone. i did my own research and my own diagnosis and he still wont face the fact that there is a reason why he dont have a desire and its not due to medical reasons. as far as him loving me, he didnt need to shut me out or refuse effection. if only i would have gotten more from him then ''I DONT KNOW'' then maybe i would have had more understanding. he just wouldnt touch me or talk about it. i put in alot of time with him and i just wish i had known about asexual much sooner. i would have made a better choice for myself if i had Link to post Share on other sites
maufry Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 im not implying anything really.... my husband just strung me along and because i had to live all these years fighting to help him, thinking he was impotent, it made me bitter and very miserable towards him. my anger is towards him. im just finding this out and i had to do it all alone. i did my own research and my own diagnosis and he still wont face the fact that there is a reason why he dont have a desire and its not due to medical reasons. as far as him loving me, he didnt need to shut me out or refuse effection. if only i would have gotten more from him then ''I DONT KNOW'' then maybe i would have had more understanding. he just wouldnt touch me or talk about it. i put in alot of time with him and i just wish i had known about asexual much sooner. i would have made a better choice for myself if i had It's not his fault that he doesn't know why he is the way he is. I didn't either, until I found this site. Shutting you out most likely wasn't personal. I understand that you're angry, but you sound as if you think that he's lied to you all these years. My guess is that he's just as miserable as you are, not understanding why he is the way he is. I know I was, until I realized that I was asexual. I thought I was defective, I thought I was sick, I thought all sorts of things. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me that I didn't want to have sex with the man I loved - that's what people in love are supposed to want, right? I had a tendency to shut out my boyfriend b/c being around him when he was feeling randy only made me feel worse, b/c I didn't feel the same and I didn't know why. Once I found out, I was SOO relieved, and things got much better between us. Of course, we ended up breaking up b/c he needed sex in his life, but at least neither of us are bitter, b/c we know that neither of us did anything wrong, we just weren't compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Kawaii_Neko Posted April 9, 2007 Share Posted April 9, 2007 I have to agree with maufry. I don't think your husband was leading you on, he probably just wasn't aware of what was really going on inside. A lot of asexuals have that problem because there isn't a lot of awareness out yet in the general public. I certainly didn't know what was "wrong" with me until last week. And I'm married to a sexual man. Luckily, kids are not involved. But I can assure you that before finding this site (which my husband joined as well) I was becoming more and more distant from my husband emotionally becuase I didn't want to "lead him on" by being affectionate and then not going through with having sex. I was trying to spare him the frustration. Because then he gets pissy with me and I get angry right back and it turns into this vicious cycle. Anyway, please don't think that your husband was doing everything on purpose. Chances are he had no idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted April 9, 2007 Share Posted April 9, 2007 Anyway, please don't think that your husband was doing everything on purpose. Chances are he had no idea. I agree 100% with Kawaii on this. Asexuality isn't like homosexuality... it's got zero public awareness. People who are asexual most likely don't know that they feel different than the rest of the world. I've heard a number of folks here say that they tried marriage and sex because they thought it would give them the feeling they were missing. I hope we're the last generations that will be bushwhacked so regularly by asexual partners (and sexual partners, if you're A's). -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
thinker_ Posted April 15, 2007 Share Posted April 15, 2007 At first, she was very intimate with me and then over time, it just stopped. We've been living together now for about 5 months. And I feel as though she has lost interest in me. She says that she has always been like this and is just uninterested in sex. When you DO have sex, is she fully satisfied? It's not my intention to point a finger here... many women lose interest in sex over time because their partners are unable to satisfy them. This is an extremely common problem. According to some surveys, 70% of women have never had an orgasm. That's startling and sad. The unfortunate thing is that most women blame themselves or think they have some kind of problem or aren't interested in sex, when in reality most men don't really know what they're doing. How much would you want to have sex if you were never able to finish? If this sounds like you, you may want to spend some time brushing up on your technique. Also, keep in mind that while most men think learning physical technique is the way to satisfying their women, the real key is in affecting her emotions. If you are dominant and say the right things during sex ("You feel so good"), the only physical things you really need to worry about are maintaining a steady rhythm and lasting long enough for her to be satisfied (typically 15 to 30 minutes). thinker_ Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 . If you are dominant and say the right things during sex ("You feel so good"), the only physical things you really need to worry about are maintaining a steady rhythm and lasting long enough for her to be satisfied (typically 15 to 30 minutes). Well, yeah, being dominant's great if your partner is submissive. I don't mean to point a finger here, but his post smacks of blame-the-victim. I'm sure there are some couples who are mis-matched in terms of simple technique, but after reading about a million posts from unhappy married sexuals, I'd say that that's not the over-riding problem. Most of them would try anything if it would engage their partners' interest. When every trick in the book fails to get a response, the only thing left is the self-hatred mantra: -I'm unattractive -I'm unlovable -I'm doing something wrong -I'm not wearing the right clothes. -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
Freed_Spirit Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 Ouch! Oh Chiaro, I'm really sorry that sexuals feel that way with an A partner. As an A I never realised how much pain I was causing, I never realised that sex is such a beautiful thing for sexual people who love each other. It is your posts amongst others that have shown this to me. Now I know I'm asexual, I will never, ever enter into a relationship with a sexual person (unless we've talked about it and for some bizarre reason they still want to give it a go!). Canatuna02, all I can say is really and truly, an asexual person has no idea they are causing a sexual so much pain. We love our partners. The A/S divide is very cruel. I hope that by talking through the situation and reading all the wonderful words here on AVEN, you and your partner can understand that you are not alone, and tough as it is, it isn't anyone's fault. *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
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