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Married to an asexual.... I think.


Svella

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Hello!

Yes, my subject line is potentially confusing. I know I'm married. What I don't know is if my husband is asexual.

After yet another tearful and angst laden discussion, he told me that he hasn't had the desire to have sex for a very long time. We've had The Discussion (we don't have sex... why not? -insert self blame here- etc.) so so many times over the past ten years. However, this time he divulged his lack of interest and that he didn't see it as a problem but that he was sorry it was a problem for me. (If given the choice, I'd have sex. A lot.)

So what now? I can't see living the rest of my life without partnered sex. I love my husband, he's my best friend. But what about me? (Possibly quite selfish, I don't know.)

With tears and hope.

S.

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Well there are several ways people have gone about trying to cope with things. To be fair you will both have to give a little.

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Hi Svella,

You're not alone, there are several members of Aven (I'm one), who are married to asexuals. Exactly why your husband isn't interested in sex, I don't know. It may be asexuality... that's a slippery term that embraces a whole range of attitudes toward sex. The common point for all of them is that sex isn't interesting, or is aversive.

I've been married to my wife for sixteen years, and been sexless for the last five. After some very public thrashing around (here on Aven :)), I've reached the conclusion that, in my case there is no real compromise to be made... no middle ground to be reached. That's an eye-opener, since marriage until now has been all about finding the middle ground on difficult issues. There's a thread called "The Deadly Choice" in this folder that discusses what comes after that realization.

There are no easy answers, I'm afraid. I wish you the best. *hugs*

-Chiaroscuro

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I have been married for 3 years now... my husband is the asexual and its not easy. I too wondered for so long why there was lack of intimacy, I have and still do go through the whole self blame thing, although there are people here who give a ton of support and know what you are going through, for me I have no answers as to what to do. I ask myself the same question as you - what is going to happen through the years?.. will things change?... because I can't see anything changing in my relationship and I can't imagine what its going to be like in 10 years.. I don't know if I can stay in a relationship without sex, unless I were to go outside the marriage.... which I can't do either. So for you I unfortunately dont have the answers, but I do know what you are going through, and will help you as much as possible.... take care....

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  • 2 weeks later...

oh yeah the selfish thing.... i feel that all the time. im married with a 6 and an 11 year old and i feel like my husband took most of my fun loving years away. im now 41 and im living a miserable life. i posted a long message about my life in another room and would like you to read it. its a look into your own life if you choose to stick around or think that having a family might just make things better....................................................i just figured out about a week ago whats been going on with my husband. your story is exactly like mine except i have two children and 16 years later. i've been miserable and lonely all of them years. he had sex with me a few times just to keep me quiet for a period and allowed me to get pregnant ''i think'' because it might take my mind off of wanting sex. i've been asking him for years why he doesent want to have sex with me, all get is '' i dont know''. i thought it was me. i blamed myself, beat myself up, become depressed and had to be put on medication. he was never honest with me from the start or i wouldnt have stayed. i have been a stay at home mother now most of our marriage and im very dependent on him now which is what i think he wanted. financially im stuck!!! my husband allowed me to think that he was just impotant, i took him to specialist and he took errection medication but still never had that ''drive'' that comes natural. he can go forever and never think about it or want it. he's not effectionate for fear that i might want more. it has ruined my life, my selfesteem and my self confidence. i found this website and felt like someone kicked me. everyones stories are just like my life and i discovered whats actually wrong with him. all i think about now is '' god if only i had seen the signs when i met him''!! i would never had done this to myself if i has only known. im 41 now and i want out of this mess..... soooo if you have a chance to move on........by all means love yourself enough to do it!! you will find love somewhere else with someone that wants to RETURN IT!!!!!

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So what now? I can't see living the rest of my life without partnered sex. I love my husband, he's my best friend. But what about me? (Possibly quite selfish, I don't know.)

It's not selfish at all to want to be happy. It's perfectly valid to expect your partner to be concerned about your happiness. However, if someone falls into the trap of expecting their partner to change in order to make them happy, that IS selfish. Which is where a lot of the problems come from in mixed relationship, IMO.

I've been on the other side of a similar situation - although not married and not NEARLY as long term - and we had the same discussion. I knew that my boyfriend wasn't happy, but I also knew that I couldn't give him what he needed to be happy. It wasn't that I didn't want to make him happy, it was that I couldn't. What he needed was something I just wasn't capable of giving. (And vice versa.) We stayed together for awhile, but in the end he decided it just wasn't worth it to him. It wasn't that he didn't care about me, but he couldn't handle never having sex. (Which is a concept a lot of us - including me - just can't even begin to grasp.)

Some people are able to find a compromise that works for both partners. Others, like myself and my ex, aren't. I personally think that it's very hard for an asexual and a sexual with a high sex drive to make a relationship work, unless there's some sort of agreed upon sexual outlet for the sexual partner. Which is a very personal decision each couple has to make.

I wish you luck.

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