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3 Years into Our Relationship


GrissIn

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Hello, 

 

So, this is my first dive into something like this and I'll get into it. I feel a lot of different things at the moment from confusion, frustration, empathy, etc. 

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years. The first 1.5 years we had a normal physical relationship that seemed to go both ways. 

 

About 1.5 years ago, she had let me know she didn't feel comfortable in her body and if we could take a break physically. While I had some initial frustration, I started to understand her side and respected how she felt. About a year went by and we didn't communicate very well about it as it was a touchy subject for both of us.

 

4-5 months ago she out of the blue initiated sex. I asked what had changed and she said she had a sex dream and was in the mood. I let it go for a week and brought it up to discuss where things were at, how she felt moving forward, etc. And to let me know when she had a chance to think on it. 

 

Fast forward to today and she let me know that she might be asexual but is confused about it and just feels bad after having sex. She's had some past issues but says that it doesn't effect her and that it's just not something she thinks about at all. 

 

I guess I struggle because we had a "normal" physical relationship. But now, it seems any physical contact, even just a kiss or backrub or anything for me isn't something she wants to do. We've been through so much together, sickness, life events, etc. 

 

I'm caught at a crossroads of wanting to understand but also realizing my own needs are getting neglected. When I attempt to discuss what I need, she feels pressure that I'm trying to say I have to have sex or I'm leaving. 

 

Maybe this is just to vent out here but any insight or past experience would be appreciated. I think I'm just hurt that it's been nearly 1.5 years and I feel misled in our relationship for what her needs really are and a lack of willingness to discuss my own needs. By no means do I want to pressure or make her uncomfortable, but I also can't sacrifice my own feelings completely. 

 

I care about her deeply and don't want her to feel rejected because of the massive step she took to let me know how she feels. But, the way things have been im also not sure if a compromise is in the cards in dealing with our needs. 

 

We also planned on moving to get her college while she gets her Master's degree together. I'm uprooting my entire business and life in my hometown and am unsure how things are going to play out. 

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nanogretchen4

If she had told you on your first date that she was asexual and would never want to have sex with you, would you have chosen to have a relationship with her anyway? If not, I don't think the fact that you have dated for three years is a good enough reason to plan a life together. I realize breaking up after three years is much more painful than choosing on the first date not to get involved in the first place. The pain of a breakup, however, is a very common experience and most people recover and move on to more compatible partners. Mixed orientation relationships are uncommon and do not have a good track record. The pain drags on much longer, and a breakup usually happens eventually. Ripping the bandage off will probably cause a lot less suffering on balance.

 

Personally, I do not think you should uproot your business and your life for a real long shot of a relationship. I also do not think you should try to persuade her to have unwanted sex. "Have sex with me or I'm leaving," is not an acceptable message. "After consideration, I have decided that a mixed orientation relationship is not for me. I'm leaving," is perfectly fine. 

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Breaking up after 3 years is hard.  After 5 its harder, and yet harder after 10, 20, 30.....

 

No one is at fault, but you are incompatible.  I think you will both be happier finding compatible partners. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

It is so easy to feel unloved when the physical part is lacking and if the words are missing as well. It is okay to want sex, warm touches and kind words. I think what you could say is “i love you, and i want to be with you, but i need to know that you accept that sex is an important part of my life.” 
personally, i hated the looong wait (years!) for her to say ‘i just dont really get that much from sex. It isnt important to me. I never think about it”

 

i think you are just asking to be informed about how she feels and then you can both make adult decisions. 

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brbdogsonfire
On 10/11/2021 at 7:06 PM, GrissIn said:

Hello, 

 

So, this is my first dive into something like this and I'll get into it. I feel a lot of different things at the moment from confusion, frustration, empathy, etc. 

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years. The first 1.5 years we had a normal physical relationship that seemed to go both ways. 

 

About 1.5 years ago, she had let me know she didn't feel comfortable in her body and if we could take a break physically. While I had some initial frustration, I started to understand her side and respected how she felt. About a year went by and we didn't communicate very well about it as it was a touchy subject for both of us.

 

4-5 months ago she out of the blue initiated sex. I asked what had changed and she said she had a sex dream and was in the mood. I let it go for a week and brought it up to discuss where things were at, how she felt moving forward, etc. And to let me know when she had a chance to think on it. 

 

Fast forward to today and she let me know that she might be asexual but is confused about it and just feels bad after having sex. She's had some past issues but says that it doesn't effect her and that it's just not something she thinks about at all. 

 

I guess I struggle because we had a "normal" physical relationship. But now, it seems any physical contact, even just a kiss or backrub or anything for me isn't something she wants to do. We've been through so much together, sickness, life events, etc. 

 

I'm caught at a crossroads of wanting to understand but also realizing my own needs are getting neglected. When I attempt to discuss what I need, she feels pressure that I'm trying to say I have to have sex or I'm leaving. 

 

Maybe this is just to vent out here but any insight or past experience would be appreciated. I think I'm just hurt that it's been nearly 1.5 years and I feel misled in our relationship for what her needs really are and a lack of willingness to discuss my own needs. By no means do I want to pressure or make her uncomfortable, but I also can't sacrifice my own feelings completely. 

 

I care about her deeply and don't want her to feel rejected because of the massive step she took to let me know how she feels. But, the way things have been im also not sure if a compromise is in the cards in dealing with our needs. 

 

We also planned on moving to get her college while she gets her Master's degree together. I'm uprooting my entire business and life in my hometown and am unsure how things are going to play out. 

It sounds like a compromise of much less sex than you would want and more than she would want would  not work. I hope you understand she most likely wasnt trying to mislead you though. 

 

It also sounds like no sex won't work for you, and the possibility of an open relationship doesn't work for most people from what I've read on here. So unfortunately ending the relationship is probably inevitable.

 

With that said both me and my partner have been told, and her even harassed repeatedly, by users on here that we couldn't last. That we wouldn't be happy. People have a tendency to self insert their self into situations and claim it as fact.

 

I love the relationship I am in and she is the jewel in my life. I also am not typical when it comes to my sexuality though which is likely why it can work. 

 

As a heterosexual male I have a low sex drive, and don't typically crave sex unless a partner initiates which is uncommon for men in my experience. I am also open to non penatrative sex most of the time which also helps the situation.

 

I am happy in my relationship, but I know most (vast majority) heterosexuals wouldn't be in my situation. There is nothing wrong with that. If you think you will not be happy long term then end the relationship as it takes more than liking your partner enough to be happy in a mixed relationship. Neither of you have failed the other and neither of you are to blame.

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