Coming-out in middle age

[Nitesead]

I know it: I make coming out complicated.  That's because I second guess everything I am about to say (and then again after I say it). When I came out in my twenties, before I moved to Colorado, everyone who knew me knew I was gay.  Then in Denver, I got weird.  I didn't want people at work to know.  I didn't want to connect with people at work regarding such a personal thing.  Suddenly, at 30 years old, it became personal and private and, I guess, no longer about visibility and political freedoms.  Now that I've passed fifty, this is still the case.  Everyone knows I'm gay except the people at work.

 

A month or so ago I figure out I'm ace and I've already sorta told three people at work.  They're smart.  I had a black ring on right hand and white ring on left hand.  Two different people asked if that signified anything.  I just said "no sex, no romance, stay away," in a light-hearted way.  "It's the same symbolism that asexuals use," I said.

 

I know, that's half-coming out, because I didn't say "I'm asexual and aromantic."  (Let alone go into the microlabels)

 

There is one person at work I am closer to and I never told her I was gay, but I told her that I had figured out that I'm asexual. 

 

I've mentioned it to my mother, two friends, and when I was figuring it out I discussed it briefly with my brother. 

 

That's it.  I'm reading about how important visibility is right now for queer people outside the allosphere.  Really, outside the monosexual sphere too...because bisexuals are starting to really make some good noise too.  So yes, I need to go at my own speed, but it's like I'm remembering the importance of it.  Coming out is not just a big step in self-acceptance; it's also a generous and courageous gift to others who might be struggling.

 

And so I think, Almost everybody I know (who isn't at work), is on Facebook.  Why not just write up something and post it there?

 

The complications, though!

• Some friends might be offended that I did not tell them personally first.
• Some friends/acquaintances have already shown that they are willing to make intrusive comments, dismissing my self-understanding quite publicly. I expect this to happen again.
• I'm struggling with the very thought of having to explain myself over and over.  I don't want to be defensive, either in the angry standoffish way or in the apologetics way, where I feel obligated to help everyone understand.

 

I guess I'm just thinking out loud here.  What has it been like for some of you?  I mean after fifty years of thinking I was a standard allosexual gay man (who was just uptight/anxious and thus was super uncomfortable with sex), to suddenly have my self-concept drastically altered has been a bit destabilizing.  Now I'll be surprising everyone and I know there will be objections.  I don't know if I want to deal with that, but at the same time, I think I'm capable of just saying, here's what I've figured out, and I wanted you all to know  Heck, maybe some of the guys with whom attempts to date or to boink have failed (to start or to go anywhere!) will suddenly have the lightbulb and realize it wasn't them, it was me.

[Techie]

I am sort of confused. I am 59 and I cannot exactly follow your opening statement. You mention gay but then asexual. Do you mean homoromantic asexual? I myself am heteroromantic and always assumed I was heterosexual until discovering that asexuality was a thing back in 2013. 

 

I am now starting to wonder if I am on the autism spectrum as it is currently defined. Seems that, IMHO, I might have what was once considered to be Aspergers but that has now been folded into autism with DSM-5. My oldest uncle supposedly had it so would not be surprised at a genetic connection. Being asexual and ADHD (professionally diagnosed) are strong markers apparently. 

 

I guess we are never to old to learn something new about ourselves.  

[Nitesead]

2 hours ago, Techie said:

I am sort of confused. I am 59 and I cannot exactly follow your opening statement. You mention gay but then asexual. Do you mean homoromantic asexual? I myself am heteroromantic and always assumed I was heterosexual until discovering that asexuality was a thing back in 2013. 

I'm aroace, but homo-oriented.  I have aesthetic and sensual attraction to guys, but no sex, no romance.

 

Good luck figuring out your nuero-distinctiveness.  I agree, we're never too old, and for that I am grateful!

[Geekykitty]

I've never "come out" as asexual. I'm still figuring things out about myself and only recently learnt that asexuality even existed - I always just thought I was weird for not wanting sex. I guess I don't really feel the need to tell anyone. If I had close friends and family I might tell them, but I'm not all that close with anyone. I wouldn't tell people I work with though, it doesn't really impact how I interact with them.

I think its really a personal choice if you want to tell people and no one can make the decision for you. If it feels right for you to express your asexuality then I guess facebook is an efficient way of doing it as you can explain what it is and reach a large number of people. I'm not really a facebook fan so that's not what I'd do 😝 I don't think there's a right or wrong way of doing it though, its what feels right to you that matters. If you're unsure then don't rush into it, or maybe talk about it with someone you're close to and trust?

[FinnB]

I guess the first question is whether you want to tell people or whether you feel you should? Personally I view my orientation as something I only discuss when it’s relevant (in a relationship) or sexuality is discussed (eg with my best friend). Since I rarely told anyone I was heterosexual when I identified that way, now I identify as biromantic ace I only discuss it when it’s relevant or when I need help figuring out feelings.  It’s not that I’m hiding it, it’s just that I don’t feel the urge to shout it from the rooftops. 
So perhaps focus on your motivation for telling people. If you want to raise their awareness of the aro / ace community, or want them to understand you better, go for it. If you feel obliged to share that part of you because they think you’re something different, perhaps consider whether it really matters? Especially if it’ll cause you distress to do the whole coming out thing. 
 

[Nitesead]

On 9/26/2021 at 4:12 AM, FinnB said:

I guess the first question is whether you want to tell people or whether you feel you should? Personally I view my orientation as something I only discuss when it’s relevant (in a relationship) or sexuality is discussed (eg with my best friend). Since I rarely told anyone I was heterosexual when I identified that way, now I identify as biromantic ace I only discuss it when it’s relevant or when I need help figuring out feelings.  It’s not that I’m hiding it, it’s just that I don’t feel the urge to shout it from the rooftops. 
So perhaps focus on your motivation for telling people. If you want to raise their awareness of the aro / ace community, or want them to understand you better, go for it. If you feel obliged to share that part of you because they think you’re something different, perhaps consider whether it really matters? Especially if it’ll cause you distress to do the whole coming out thing. 
 

The distress thing is foremost in my brain, in every area of my life, so thank you for using that language...it's very helpful.

[newgirl]

What age is  consider middle age? Any  person over 50 or 60?

[Nitesead]

6 hours ago, newgirl said:

What age is  consider middle age? Any  person over 50 or 60?

I don't think there is an agreed-upon specific age range, though I just came across, on wikipedia, the proposal that it is 45-65.  That's probably about right?

[Tanwen]

On 9/28/2021 at 5:06 PM, newgirl said:

What age is  consider middle age? Any  person over 50 or 60?

It's changed from when I was a kid. Used to be around 35  - the Bible says a man's lifespan is '3 score years and 10'. Doesn't apply now.

[Techie]

54 minutes ago, Tanwen said:

It's changed from when I was a kid. Used to be around 35  - the Bible says a man's lifespan is '3 score years and 10'. Doesn't apply now.

I generally assumed 50-65 myself at which point you get Senior Citizen status. Of course with longevity increasing and Senior Citizen status becoming 67 for Social Security it May indeed have to change her again. 

 

Meanwhile I can look at my father and grandfathers and say they were technically “middle aged” at 38 because they lived to be 75-76 years old. 

[daveb]

I guess I'm on the cusp of no longer being middle-aged, but I don't feel old. Whatever that means. I don't know if the fact that both of my parents are still alive makes a difference. I mean, how can I be old if the old folks are still around?  

[Velorum]

On 9/18/2021 at 9:34 PM, Techie said:

I am sort of confused. I am 59 and I cannot exactly follow your opening statement. You mention gay but then asexual. Do you mean homoromantic asexual? I myself am heteroromantic and always assumed I was heterosexual until discovering that asexuality was a thing back in 2013. 

 

I am now starting to wonder if I am on the autism spectrum as it is currently defined. Seems that, IMHO, I might have what was once considered to be Aspergers but that has now been folded into autism with DSM-5. My oldest uncle supposedly had it so would not be surprised at a genetic connection. Being asexual and ADHD (professionally diagnosed) are strong markers apparently. 

 

I guess we are never to old to learn something new about ourselves.  

You could do one of the many on line 'tests' and this will give you a rough idea. Thats what I used as an indicator before deciding on a formal identification. This was using ICD10 which is more common in the UK. 

 

Personally I think that self identification is perfectly valid - though this is of course problematic if you want to access services in a way that relates to your autism. 

 

I work within services that have many autistic clients and this includes contributing to formal identification (or diagnosis if you want to be medical about it) and the biggest problem with a number of groups such as females and older people is that they have often developed quite sophisticated masking behaviours that can confuse assessors - especially those who have limited empathy with autistics. Unfortunately there are many of these. 

 

The genetic link had been described within research and is referenced in DSM and ICD informed assessment templates. A number of my older family (all have passed now) were autistic and both of my daughters and three of my grandsons are. 

[thylacine]

On 9/18/2021 at 3:57 PM, Nitesead said:

 

• Some friends might be offended that I did not tell them personally first.
• Some friends/acquaintances have already shown that they are willing to make intrusive comments, dismissing my self-understanding quite publicly. I expect this to happen again.
• I'm struggling with the very thought of having to explain myself over and over.  I don't want to be defensive, either in the angry standoffish way or in the apologetics way, where I feel obligated to help everyone understand.

 

1.  I don't think anyone should be offended, after all it's your private business.

 

2.  People who make intrusive comments or who are dismissive are not really friends, either that, or they are crappy friends.  Get new friends!  Specially, get friends who are not lousy jerks.

 

3.  You don't need to explain yourself.  It's your own business and you don't actually have to tell anyone if you don't want to.

 

 

[Nitesead]

I finally did it, came out directly on Facebook for national coming out day.  All supportive,  with a couple weird responses.  One questioned if microwaves could lead to tribalism, but framed it as a question and wanted my opinion.  Then a friend who congratulated me for being abstinent.

 

Big difference from when I came out as gay thirty years ago.  Mostly in myself.  That was world shattering, this was calm.  Back then I wanted to explain and discuss and correct misconceptions.  Now, I feel tired and unwilling to do so.

[Techie]

On 10/5/2021 at 4:06 AM, Velorum said:

You could do one of the many on line 'tests' and this will give you a rough idea. Thats what I used as an indicator before deciding on a formal identification. This was using ICD10 which is more common in the UK. 

 

Personally I think that self identification is perfectly valid - though this is of course problematic if you want to access services in a way that relates to your autism. 

 

I work within services that have many autistic clients and this includes contributing to formal identification (or diagnosis if you want to be medical about it) and the biggest problem with a number of groups such as females and older people is that they have often developed quite sophisticated masking behaviours that can confuse assessors - especially those who have limited empathy with autistics. Unfortunately there are many of these. 

One of the tests I took was in fact from the NHS website.  According to United States based sites, a formal positive evaluation opens access to various services as well as Americans with Disability Act (ADA) protections. Not something I am wanting at the moment but it may be in the future.

 

Interesting what you say about masking behaviors. Only in the last year have I come around the realization that over the years I was very often studying the behavior of others and essentially mimicking that behavior in various settings when necessary (parties, business meetings, extended family). I suppose there is still a possibility that I could be thrown into a social situation I have never been in before (though at age 59 that is less and less likely) and that it might cause me some disorientation. I sometimes cringe thinking about interactions 30+ years ago when I did not have as much social interaction information stored up. I do not recall people thinking me odd but when I think back I feel I should have been interpreted as being slightly off. It is also possible my memory of the past is not as sharp now plus things that may have been "normal" in the 70's and 80's are now weird (the 70's were a weird time LOL).

[DrinkingTeaInVienna]

Hi there!

 

I'm asking myself similar questions about coming out as asexual to friends, family and at work.

 

It was no problem at all for me to come out as bi (I identify as pan now).

My friends are great and I knew that they're not queerphobic. So I went for it and told them.

Ok, I did feel some anxiety. But in the end it felt great finally being honest with myself and others and there was no queerphobic backlash whatsoever.

 

Now, finally being able to identify as panromantic / libidoist asexual, it's a different story.

I'm terrified of the stigma and I definitely don't want to explain myself and "asexuality" in general.

From previous talks I know, that there are so many people out there, who have no clue what asexuality actually means. And that there's a spectrum!

At the moment I feel fine with not coming out to the people in my life.

But I'm a bit anxious about the future.

Being seen as who I am is a big deal for me, so I guess at some point I'll want to confide in people.

 

And congrats to you for coming out on Facebook!

 

 

 

[JitterSnug]

Social media helps me! I find most people don't care that I'm demi. I get a lot of "What? Oh... so you're normal?" type of responses, and I don't relish the attention I get while explaining. But on social media I can do advocacy and feel like I'm normalizing the experience. Highly recommend it for those not of the "young-social-media-obsessed" generations!