Just need to connect with others in a similar boat?

[Lonely2021]

On 9/17/2021 at 12:28 PM, uhtred said:

There are a number of people here in this sort of situation an its extremely difficult. 

 

I've been married for a long time to a nearly asexual (I guess really asexual, just not sex-repulsed) woman.  I spent a long time trying to figure out what *I* was doing wrong because I'd never heard of asexuality.  She still doesn't believe asexuality exists, she thinks all women are just pretending to enjoy sex.  

 

It sounds like sex is important to you. It is to many people.  For myself, I cannot separate sexual desire from feeling of romance and of love - they just all go together. Its more than just the physical act of sex - I'd have 0 interest in hiring a sex worker - because the desire, the physical and emotional closeness all matter.  

 

This is a cloud that hangs over everything.  We go on wonderful "romantic" vacations - and I see the other affectionate couples and it almost makes me cry.   I love my wife - but there is no way around this.

 

 

I think you need to sit down with him and have an honest talk. Its difficult but its the only way.  What level of sexuality is he happy with (no feeling pressured). What do you need to be happy (not just barely surviving).  Is there an overlap.  If not, is an open relationship something that will work for both of you (it wouldn't for me - so I never even brought it up). 

 

You may already know the answers to the above, and know that there is no compatibility to be had.   From what you say, I expect that to be the case.  So then you have 3 choices, all wretched, but they are what they are:

 

Leave:  You love him, but a life of you feeing constantly rejected and unloved, and his feeling constantly pressured and inadequate is in your future

 

Cheat: Maybe an occasional affair will help deal with feeling like some part of your life has been stolen from you.  But most likely it will just make you feel guilty, or lead to your falling in love with your affair partner and leaving anyway - just in a ugly way.

 

Live like a nun:  Its what you are doing, so you know what it will be like for the rest of your life. Can you be happy that way?

 

 

Those choices all suck. Usually, I think leaving is the least bad option - it gives both of you a chance to find someone compatible and be happy.

 

Also - please don't drug yourself with antidepressants to try to fix this. Antidepressants are good for "irrational" depression - cases where someone is depressed for no good external reason.  In your case you are depressed due to a specific external reason - far better to fix that cause, rather than treat the symptom.

 

Please feel free to PM me.  I've been in this situation a long time and am happy to talk.

What did you do yourself?