Aromantic?

[luluco]

Hi

 

I'm Lu and I'm a little bit troubled, I have a boyfriend and... I'm confused

 

I think that I never got the idea of romantically loving someone, I get the idea of crushes because somehow it's more exciting for me.

 

Maybe people exaggerate the idea of love or maybe I'm just meh about it.

 

I mean don't get me wrong I feel good with my boyfriend by my side, we are attached to each other and we love each other.

 

The thing is that I don't think that my love is romantic, for me, my relationship with my boyfriend is like a... Friend but a super close friend with something more. The idea of living without him next to me is strange, I just have a lot of fun with him.

 

But I don't think that I love him the same way as he loves me

 

Is it my antidepressants, my ocd or I'm just aro?

 

 

[Artemis42]

Personally, “a super close friend with something more” is how I tend to think of romantic partners. What makes you think your boyfriend’s feelings are different from yours?

[binary suns]

I personally don't understand romantic attraction.

 

Romantic attraction is defined as

"a form of emotional attraction based on a desire for a romantic relationship, or doing romantic activities with a particular person."

 

 

But for me, that begs the question of what romantic activities are and what defines a romantic relationship, and that gets difficult to understand and define. So I don't know what constitues romantic attraction. 

 

I do know that sexually speaking, I just did not have the same energy for sex that my partner did. She loved sex and got really into it, meanwhile I'm playing a simulation game basically. I'm performing for her. I felt alienated sometimes because I just didn't have the same passion.

 

One thing I can say is that sometimes aromantic people find themselves wanting or in a relationship that looks romantic, but they don't feel romantic feelings. This is called a queerplatonic relationship, and it's a close bond with another person. What exactly is a QPR is determined by the people who are a  part of it. So, If you do feel that you are aromantic, your boyfriend should know, and he should also know what a qpr is, so he can understand that an aromantic person can still love and be close with a romantic partner.

 

An aromantic simply doesn't experience romantic attraction, whatever that means. I wish I knew more about it. 

[luluco]

 

6 minutes ago, Artemis42 said:

Personally, “a super close friend with something more” is how I tend to think of romantic partners. What makes you think your boyfriend’s feelings are different from yours?

Well, most of the time I compare myself to him.

 

He is always like "I want to see you again!", "I love you", "I'll be always there for you"

 

He is super excited but I'm most of the time very apathetic inside, on the outside I try to be as energized and get to his level but I can't...

 

I feel those things but not to that level of excitement and lots of time I feel guilty because I genuinely cannot express or feel that much

[luluco]

8 minutes ago, Ashe. said:

I personally don't understand romantic attraction.

 

Romantic attraction is defined as

"a form of emotional attraction based on a desire for a romantic relationship, or doing romantic activities with a particular person."

 

 

But for me, that begs the question of what romantic activities are and what defines a romantic relationship, and that gets difficult to understand and define. So I don't know what constitues romantic attraction. 

 

I do know that sexually speaking, I just did not have the same energy for sex that my partner did. She loved sex and got really into it, meanwhile I'm playing a simulation game basically. I'm performing for her. I felt alienated sometimes because I just didn't have the same passion.

 

One thing I can say is that sometimes aromantic people find themselves wanting or in a relationship that looks romantic, but they don't feel romantic feelings. This is called a queerplatonic relationship, and it's a close bond with another person. What exactly is a QPR is determined by the people who are a  part of it. So, If you do feel that you are aromantic, your boyfriend should know, and he should also know what a qpr is, so he can understand that an aromantic person can still love and be close with a romantic partner.

 

An aromantic simply doesn't experience romantic attraction, whatever that means. I wish I knew more about it. 

For me sex is overrated, the good thing is that at least I have fun with him while doing it but I feel so little.

 

I don't get horny for long and I get distracted with every little thing, I just have pleasure with myself, in that scenario I can concentrate.

 

So yeah, I would prefer eating cake than doing it

 

[wordforger]

I tend to consider romanticism as having expectations of priority over anyone else in your life.  Do you want him to have that place of priority, or for him to place you in priority?  Or not?

[luluco]

 

6 minutes ago, wordforger said:

I tend to consider romanticism as having expectations of priority over anyone else in your life.  Do you want him to have that place of priority, or for him to place you in priority?  Or not?

I mean for me everyone matters and my family is my priority, then my boyfriend and then friends.

 

He is not my priority he is special to me but not to a elevated level

 

I think people when they are in love idolize their partners

 

I don't tend to do that 

[wordforger]

8 minutes ago, luluco said:

 

I mean for me everyone matters and my family is my priority, then my boyfriend and then friends.

 

He is not my priority he is special to me but not to a elevated level

 

I think people when they are in love idolize their partners

 

I don't tend to do that 

Then it sounds like perhaps you might not harbor overly romantic feelings for this boy, at least from my view of romance.  Whether or not that makes you aromantic in general i something only you can figure out.  I mean, some romantic relationships simply don't work out because people are incompatible, not underlying aromanticism.  Of course, if you find you don't want to prioritize ANYONE like that, then you probably are aromantic.

[luluco]

8 minutes ago, wordforger said:

Then it sounds like perhaps you might not harbor overly romantic feelings for this boy, at least from my view of romance.  Whether or not that makes you aromantic in general i something only you can figure out.  I mean, some romantic relationships simply don't work out because people are incompatible, not underlying aromanticism.  Of course, if you find you don't want to prioritize ANYONE like that, then you probably are aromantic.

I would prioritize my boyfriend over my friends 100%, over my family... I don't know

[binary suns]

I did some research and gathering of information. It's a lot, sorry if it's overwhelming. Basically I looked for anything that described romance in a way that could differ from a platonic close relationship.

 

 

Here is a post asking for romance described in three words. 

 

here's a list of things aromantic people feel, how do I know I'm aromantic

 

Here's a post, you might be aro if...

 

a post, reasons why you're aromantic

 

here's a post on what's found in a romantic relationship that isn't found in a platonic one

 

 

 

 here's a gem of advice

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My best advice for you right now is to not worry about labels too much . Just allow yourself to feel. That’s so much better than stuffing yourself in a box.

 

 

 

first, some articles that talked about defining romantic attraction.

 

 

 link

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"Romantic attraction is a form of emotional attraction based on a desire for a romantic relationship, or doing romantic activities with a particular person. This can include things like being physically close, affectionate speech, living together, making lifelong commitment decisions, doing things together exclusively, valuing the relationship more than others, and other forms of romantic affection"

 

 

link

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What is love? The word love has been used synonymously with enjoyment, enthusiasm, attachment, affection, sexual attraction, care, concern, loyalty, devotion, etc.

[romantic attraction is] intense attraction that involves the idealization of the other... with the expectation of enduring for some time into the future.

 

 

 

link

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The high you feel during the infatuation phase leads you to idealize the other person and want to be with them constantly; you think about them all the time.
Because this person seems perfect during this phase, you are also unable to see your lover's flaws and shortcomings— hence the saying "love is blind." Typically, the infatuation phase lasts for around six months to a year.

 

 

link

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Romance novelist Rachel Hauck says, “Romance is not about the sexual encounters but about awakening the heart.”

What is romance? It’s a powerful force that makes you feel connected to someone in a deeper way. It’s the gestures, both big and small, that make you feel especially wooed and especially cherished by your partner. Romance is what takes your relationship past friendship.

 

 

 

this article advising how to be more romantic in a relationship

 

 

this article titled what is romance

 

 

 

urban dictionary

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True romance is doing something special or unexpected for someone you love, even though you don't have to. Romance isn't a greeting card, it isn't Valentine's Day, it isn't a box of chocolates, and it certainly isn't a dozen roses (unless you like that sort of thing). Real romance is not what modern society has been taught to think it is. Real romance isn't manufactured. It is completely individual. Romance is for showing the person you love that you're thinking about them. It shouldn't feel forced. There are no limits to romance; it can be shown by a handwritten note, by going for a walk, or even by making someone a sandwich. Romance is something simple and sweet that reminds your partner why they fell in love with you in the first place.

 

 

 

and here are replies to similar posts on AVEN

 

 

 

here is a reply that explains one person's experience of romance

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Everyone will answer the question differently. A common description is that if you're romantically attracted to someone, you'll get "butterflies" or some other variant of sweet longing feeling that makes you want to be with the person and share things about your daily life with that person, in ways that you don't share them with anybody else. You may even find yourself daydreaming about doing things with that person, and/or want some degree of physical contact with them like holding hands, hugging, and the like. The subject of your attraction might be your current top priority in life, the person you rely on and talk to the most, etc.

 

I generally experience it as I've described above, but for other people, romantic attraction can be different and simply translate into the desire to be in a romantic relationship, whatever the "symptoms" are. Replies from other people may help you, but in the end, only you can decide what you're feeling, and you may or may not be feeling it the same way everybody else does.

 

 

another reply from the same post

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Romantic attraction is based on a lot of the same things platonic attraction is: shared interests/hobbies, sense of humour, similar beliefs and principles, a general appreciation of the other person’s personality and vibe, etc etc. But with romantic attraction, there’s another layer to it, a feeling that this specific person (or people), is extra special in some unexplainable way. There’s not really a logical reason for it, but it is usually distinctively different from platonic feelings, and it’s very strong for me. It makes me want to connect with the other person on a very deep, vulnerable level in a way I don’t desire from my friends. There’s a sense of longing to bond with them and to become extra involved in each other’s lives, and a desire to express my appreciation and affection verbally and physically, and a desire for them to do the same to me. It makes me think about them constantly, and even fantasize about being with them. And the more I get to know the person, the deeper the feelings go. 
This is just my experience with it, but maybe it will help.

 

here is a reply to a similar topic

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Romance is a feeling that isn't familial or friendly (in terms of friendship), that's literally it. It's a case of 'you'll know it when you feel it'.

and another reply from the same topic

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Romance is powerful and about close intimacy. And it's not the kind of love you would share with family XD.

 

Underneath a romantic relationship is care and affection, like there can be in other relationships, it just goes further in terms of intimacy. Kissing on the lips affectionately or passionately is an intimate act that's too much for family or friends. Just one example, it's not just about kissing . I desire that level of intimacy with a person I like in that way, which I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with others, so it takes a romantic partner that matches that.

 

 

this reply to a poster asking if they were experiencing romantic attraction

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"hyperfixation, giddiness, the desire to be around them and a desire for emotional connection"

This sounds like romantic feelings to me. 

 

 

What is "falling in love"?

 

Mirriam-webster defines it as "to begin to feel romantic love for someone" which, I guess would be something I'm interested in. What is romantic love different from regular love though? "intense attraction that involves the idealization of the other, ... with the expectation of enduring for some time into the future." according to psychology today. or "omantic love definition can be described as what tends to be infatuation or attraction between lovers. The type of love that makes your heart flutter fast, your knees weak and you uncontrollably find yourself constantly immersed in thoughts of your partner." according to marriage.com. or "a state of intense longing for union with another" according to Elaine Hatfield.