Time to let it out...

[MusicSoul]

Since finding this site, doing research here/there, and just kind of thinking about my life in general I would just like to vent. What is mainly triggering my need to post right now is a conversation (it was more one-sided) that my grandparents had with me when I went out to lunch with them a few days ago. 

 

To sum up what my grandmother basically pointed out to me was that I am in the same exact position I was in when I first got together with my partner, if not worse. She went on to point out how my credit score is poor, I don’t own a house anymore, and I don’t have money put away for my daughter’s college fund. Then she continued to point out that I am still working as a dental assistant, haven’t gone back to school, and I have yet to invite them over; they have not been into my living quarters in the entire 7 years I have been with my partner. Just to add more insult, my grandma also brings up the fact that this entire time my partner does not help me clear my debt, has not put me in any trust/will, has not put my daughter in his trust/will, he is working on his doctorate so he’s in school, and he is all talk yet has not done anything he says he will do. She told me that I will close my eyes and when I open them I will already be 40 years old...which I can feel the years add on quick because I am already going to be 33 years old in September. My grandmother, as insulting as she was/is, does not have any problem speaking her mind. I allowed her to talk to me that way and steamroll over me. What made it worse is that there are aspects of my life that I am not proud of so for her to say those things to me just re-opened wounds that I hid for so long. 

 

Call me stubborn, but no I have not asked my partner for help in anything. My debt is just that...MY debt. I have student loans that I recently started paying back, but they were in collection/default for a while. Before I got together with my partner I had a house, but in the end I could not afford it. During my entire adult life I have worked in the dental field, doing the same exact thing, and living pay check to pay check; just your average joe. I did receive a bachelor’s degree, online, but I still don’t work under that degree. The reason I don’t use my degree is because I got it in social science, which I can’t do much with. Even my partner has brought up plenty of times how I don’t work under my degree. I have made some pretty shitty decisions in my 20’s and I am dealing with the aftermath now. I’ve built my credit back up, nothing to what is was before, but it’s slowly getting better. I have a plan/goal, but I won’t bore you all with it right now.

 

When I first got together with M, my partner, I was optimistic. He is 28 years my senior and has his shit together, which is one of the main things that attracted me about him. Not only that, but he was my professor so I felt a sense of familiarity with him; I did not date him while I was his student by the way. At the beginning of our relationship, I focused more on the good qualities in him, I was more physical/intimate with him, and things between us were like any other typical monogamous couple. Back in August of 2019, I started to feel a sense of “burn out” and I decided we should take a break from each other. We were separated for about five months and then got back together; which brings me to the present. While things between us have not gotten worse, I sometimes wonder what is going on for me. My idea of what I want in a romantic relationship/partnership has changed from when M and I first started.

 

First, I wish I would not have been so quick to jump in bed with M. In all honesty, I wish I didn’t jump into sex with any of sexual partners because looking back now I had no self respect. Now I can say a sexless relationship is fine with me as long as that person is completely committed to me. Just as much as I would be committed to them because finding this site has given me closure and ensured me that it is OK to not want to have partnered sex. I can be with someone who would still want a relationship, build a family/life with me, and still enjoy life.

 

There are things about M that I tolerate, but sometimes I wonder why I do. We argue, not as bad as we did before our split, about shit that I don’t even understand why it escalated in the first place. After so long together, my family does not like him...they tolerate him because I choose to be with him. His family, they like me, but I am not close to them. He wants a baby, but I don’t; I have my reasons which I won’t bore you all with them. I feel on certain aspects of life, we are not on the same page, but it’s never a good time to really talk about them. I know I am still working on myself and I am not being the best partner that I can be. A time will come when we will have to sit down and really talk about what we want out of this life....or more, I need to really ask myself what I want for my life. 

 

I am sorry to bore you all with this long vent. I just needed to vent/rant because this has been on my mind. Thank you for those who took the time to read my post.

[TheAceNinja]

It sounds like you're going through a lot of changes and a difficult time, and I am sorry.
Obviously it's okay, to want a sexless relationship, but for sure at some point you will need to have a conversation with your partner, about what you both want in life. It also kinda sounds like you can't really rely on your partner, so I agree that you need to ask yourself what you want, too.

 

It's true that years go by faster and faster, especially after turning 30, but it's also never too late to make changes in your life, and you could definitely change your career if you're not happy in your current field. It takes a lot of courage to start over, but if that's what you want, then it'll be worth it!

 

Take care and good luck!!

[jellyfish_cake]

It sounds hard... I'm sorry. But also, cuddles for being so independent. I'm sure it's lonely, but it shows you are strong.

Having a kid is a huge decision, and if you and your partner don't agree on it, I don't see that relationship ending up well. (I'm so sorry if it was too brutally honest, but if he's in his 70's he doesn't have much time left to have a kid. And you probably shouldn't bring a new life to the world if you don't really want it, it's cruel to you and the kid)

As for the family and career situations, hope you get through it... You don't have to work under your bachelors right now if you're not ready, you're allowed to follow your own pace, it's not like your grandparents know anything about your life and what it's like to be you.

[MusicSoul]

On 6/15/2021 at 4:40 PM, TheAceNinja said:

It sounds like you're going through a lot of changes and a difficult time, and I am sorry.
Obviously it's okay, to want a sexless relationship, but for sure at some point you will need to have a conversation with your partner, about what you both want in life. It also kinda sounds like you can't really rely on your partner, so I agree that you need to ask yourself what you want, too.

 

It's true that years go by faster and faster, especially after turning 30, but it's also never too late to make changes in your life, and you could definitely change your career if you're not happy in your current field. It takes a lot of courage to start over, but if that's what you want, then it'll be worth it!

 

Take care and good luck!!

Thank you! As far as having the conversation, it definitely needs to happen. Knowing how we can get with each other, I need to approach him calmly and I need to know what I am going to say. I tell myself often that it is never too late to make changes in life. When I am ready to make the changes I need, the best way to make these changes is to plan. Far too often I don’t really think/plan ahead and so I am left overwhelming myself. I don’t need to do that to myself. Thank you again for the response, I really appreciate it 🙂

 

On 6/15/2021 at 5:26 PM, jellyfish_cake said:

It sounds hard... I'm sorry. But also, cuddles for being so independent. I'm sure it's lonely, but it shows you are strong.

Having a kid is a huge decision, and if you and your partner don't agree on it, I don't see that relationship ending up well. (I'm so sorry if it was too brutally honest, but if he's in his 70's he doesn't have much time left to have a kid. And you probably shouldn't bring a new life to the world if you don't really want it, it's cruel to you and the kid)

As for the family and career situations, hope you get through it... You don't have to work under your bachelors right now if you're not ready, you're allowed to follow your own pace, it's not like your grandparents know anything about your life and what it's like to be you.

Thank you! I like to think I am independent. Of course, if you ask my grandmother, she would say I’m needy (she said so herself🙄). I’m blessed enough to already have a daughter. Every time we have talked about a baby we eventually drop the topic. He wants a child of his own (not that he does not love my daughter as his own) which I can understand. I have told him no, but I believe he does not take me seriously. I believe he thinks I will change my mind when the time comes. It’s not that I do not want more children because deep down in my core I really would not mind another child. BUT there are several factors that I have to keep in my mind: he is already going to be 61 years old in November and I don’t believe he understands just how stressful a new baby is. I want to go back to school, but bringing a new baby will push that back even more. Let’s face it, I am the one who will have more patience and I don’t believe I can leave him to take care of a new baby while I focus SOLELY on school. Plus, if I have another baby, to try and go to school will be impossible because I won’t want to ignore my baby. Also, he wants to finish his doctorate degree first which I am not sure when he will be completely done with it; this only adds to my concern about time being an issue here...we’re BOTH getting older. I can’t afford another child with my income (not that I am discrediting my partner), but IF I had to be a single mother again I have to be financially stable enough to make it. I want to be married, as cliche as it sounds, because then I feel like we have more shared values....if that even makes sense. I don’t believe a new baby would be welcomed by my family because they already don’t like my partner. His family, I’m not sure about because I am not close to them. Also, my partner has talked about moving out of California when it comes time for him to retire (also realistically we are going to wait until my daughter graduates high school in six years) and it’s something he has been talking about for a while. He expects me to leave with him, at least he believes I will (I don’t know if I will change my mind or he will). See, I can’t bring myself to leave California, especially if my daughter stays. If we had a baby I would not want to separate my daughter from her sibling. My roots are here in California and to be a part of my daughter’s future (my future grandchildren, etc) is important to me. I can’t be an active part of her life if I’m half way across the country. Plus, my daughter does not like the idea of having a sibling because she has straight up told me so. She says she enjoys being my only child and if I have another one she said she would run away and live with my mom aka her grandmother. It might all sound like excuses, but when I really sit down and weigh the PROS and CONS of having another child...there are more CONS which honestly makes me sad if I dwell on it. So I rather not think about it and drop the subject of baby anytime it comes up.

As for my degree/career, I agree with you. I do things at my own pace. The hell with what others say. Anyway, sorry for the long ass response lol. I do appreciate your honesty and advice/feedback. Thank you!

[jellyfish_cake]

Yeah, I don't think you have to doubt your reasons, you have a understandable list of CONS... I wish I could help more with suggestions, but it really is a tough one. Try and concentrate on what will make YOU happy, I guess. You do have clear plans: being present in your daughter's life. It's reasonable... you seem to be more pressured by other people's plans than by your own objectives in life. If you tune out them a bit, you might be able to make up your own plans...

Well, good luck! here is cake