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Discovering myself in my thirties - Am I an alien?


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TeslaDharma

Hello! First, I am so excited to meet such a welcoming and inclusive community of individuals. It is so comforting to know there are people in this world who feel just like me. 

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my introduction. It means so much to be heard and understood in some capacity. 

 

I will start by saying, I was diagnosed with complex PTSD after turning 30. I thought I was just sort of depressed with a cold-hard shell surrounding my emotions until my diagnosis. While I am sad and I do not understand emotions, I am so much more than that. I'm seeing this more and more each day. Repeated traumas in my youth morphed my person and the way I viewed the world. I was an alien in a human costume. I tried my best to do the things my peers were doing. Media says we should behave xyz; my friends tell me that we like this or that; my parents demand that I perform and exceed their expectations. So I conform. I cannot let anyone know that I'm actually an alien.

 

A sense of self and identity for me have been fluid through my entire life. Not that this is a bad thing, but I never felt like I belonged anywhere. When it came down to sex and sexual relationships, I participated because I felt like it was expected of me. That, or I would think to myself, I need to have sex with this person if I want to keep their attention... if I do this they will be happy... this man won't spend time with me unless I have sex with them... they expect this from me since we're in a committed relationship. I never once found myself sexually attracted. More sexually expected.

A symptom of CPTSD for many people is people pleasing. Sex I feel was one of my tools in my 'people pleasing' toolbox. Reflecting I realize I spent my entire life trying to maintain any connections with my peers by giving and conforming. Always looking at what others need or want; anticipate what they might need or want in order to please them. Very little of my energy was spent on my own needs or wants. Looking back on my relationships, while this might be a bit shallow, I don't think any of those people were actually attractive physically. Many of the relationships were borderline abusive. I think I just accepted whoever and whatever because they gave me attention of any kind. It's really sad to think about. 

 

Now I'm married. I love my husband. He accepts me and he encourages me to find myself. He's been here every step of the way as I journey to peel back this human costume. 

Sex is a big pain point in our relationship. Not long after we moved in together while still dating the sex happened less and less frequently. We chalked it up to my health (accutane meds). Or he would say 'this is what happens to everyone in long-term relationships.' After getting married he began to feel frustration and hurt. He felt unattractive and unloved. We read the 5 love languages together. I read the book Come As You Are. I began visiting forums for low libido. I had conversations with my doctor. Blood work, birth control, supplements, exercises. Clearly there was something wrong with me! I am broken. I am sick. Right? I knew I loved my husband. Why did I not want to have sex with him anymore? We did before. What's different now? I see now. I didn't need to use my toolbox any longer. I had his attention. He notices me. The tools in my toolbox don't fit any of the hardware holding our relationship together anymore. 

The biggest ah-ha moment that connected me to asexuality was when I said to my partner something along the lines of, "I don't think about sex. Any time you initiate I would think of all the other things I could be doing instead. That this is wasting time. I would be perfectly happy to never have sex again." While this was a big revelation to me I know it was very painful for him. 

So now I'm here. I found my alien coven. We can all enjoy cake together. All this lovely cake we have here I hope I might find a way to share a piece with my partner. 

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cat_lady
3 hours ago, TeslaDharma said:

I never once found myself sexually attracted. More sexually expected.

Wow, I feel this so much. 

 

I've also had some instances where I either hinted at or bluntly cried that I felt sex was a waste of my time. It never went over well, but that's truly how I feel!

 

Welcome! I hope you find some peace and understanding here 🍰

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Sarah-Sylvia

Welcome @TeslaDharma
I think it's time to be yourself :) And I'm glad you found the community.

Want some cake?


lemon-blueberry-cake-featured.jpg

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jkmlynch

Welcome to the forums. 🍰

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Lichley

Welcome! We aliens share with you, our brethren, a sacred message passed down generations:

alphabet_cake.jpg

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elliebellie

I am so glad that I have found this safe space. I have known all of my life that sex is not something I have any interest in. Yet, I engaged in destructive sexual behavior throughout my 20s, married a serial cheater, and in my 40s, found my voice and recognized that I have always been asexual. It is not only freeing but has led to so many aha moments that explain my past behavior. 

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TeslaDharma

Thanks everyone! 

@elliebellie these ah-ha moments are a double edge sword, right? Perfect for cutting all this cake. 

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On 6/11/2021 at 8:07 AM, TeslaDharma said:

Hello! First, I am so excited to meet such a welcoming and inclusive community of individuals. It is so comforting to know there are people in this world who feel just like me. 

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my introduction. It means so much to be heard and understood in some capacity. 

 

I will start by saying, I was diagnosed with complex PTSD after turning 30. I thought I was just sort of depressed with a cold-hard shell surrounding my emotions until my diagnosis. While I am sad and I do not understand emotions, I am so much more than that. I'm seeing this more and more each day. Repeated traumas in my youth morphed my person and the way I viewed the world. I was an alien in a human costume. I tried my best to do the things my peers were doing. Media says we should behave xyz; my friends tell me that we like this or that; my parents demand that I perform and exceed their expectations. So I conform. I cannot let anyone know that I'm actually an alien.

 

A sense of self and identity for me have been fluid through my entire life. Not that this is a bad thing, but I never felt like I belonged anywhere. When it came down to sex and sexual relationships, I participated because I felt like it was expected of me. That, or I would think to myself, I need to have sex with this person if I want to keep their attention... if I do this they will be happy... this man won't spend time with me unless I have sex with them... they expect this from me since we're in a committed relationship. I never once found myself sexually attracted. More sexually expected.

A symptom of CPTSD for many people is people pleasing. Sex I feel was one of my tools in my 'people pleasing' toolbox. Reflecting I realize I spent my entire life trying to maintain any connections with my peers by giving and conforming. Always looking at what others need or want; anticipate what they might need or want in order to please them. Very little of my energy was spent on my own needs or wants. Looking back on my relationships, while this might be a bit shallow, I don't think any of those people were actually attractive physically. Many of the relationships were borderline abusive. I think I just accepted whoever and whatever because they gave me attention of any kind. It's really sad to think about. 

 

Now I'm married. I love my husband. He accepts me and he encourages me to find myself. He's been here every step of the way as I journey to peel back this human costume. 

Sex is a big pain point in our relationship. Not long after we moved in together while still dating the sex happened less and less frequently. We chalked it up to my health (accutane meds). Or he would say 'this is what happens to everyone in long-term relationships.' After getting married he began to feel frustration and hurt. He felt unattractive and unloved. We read the 5 love languages together. I read the book Come As You Are. I began visiting forums for low libido. I had conversations with my doctor. Blood work, birth control, supplements, exercises. Clearly there was something wrong with me! I am broken. I am sick. Right? I knew I loved my husband. Why did I not want to have sex with him anymore? We did before. What's different now? I see now. I didn't need to use my toolbox any longer. I had his attention. He notices me. The tools in my toolbox don't fit any of the hardware holding our relationship together anymore. 

The biggest ah-ha moment that connected me to asexuality was when I said to my partner something along the lines of, "I don't think about sex. Any time you initiate I would think of all the other things I could be doing instead. That this is wasting time. I would be perfectly happy to never have sex again." While this was a big revelation to me I know it was very painful for him. 

So now I'm here. I found my alien coven. We can all enjoy cake together. All this lovely cake we have here I hope I might find a way to share a piece with my partner. 

I definitely can relate

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Welcome to this big community of, “aliens,’ as you so put it. 
 

In my personal experience, the Ace people I have found are in their 30s and married. Myself included. 

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