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First real sexual phantasie ever


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Destranix

tl;dr Today I got my first real sexual phantasie ever and now I'm asking questions about that. When answering, please tell me if you read my description (´behind the spoiler) or skipped it, so that I can know how to better interpret parts of your answer.

 

Description as I wrote it on NoFap (not reviewed; TMI):

Spoiler

I really don't know how I managed that, but seems like it worked. (also required to try out some other way of masturbation. Actually I'm not sure if that sex phantasie was necessary or if it just lead me to that other kind of masturbation. Also I'm not sure how I got into that actual phantasie setting: So actually I felt somhow a feeling, a urge to put my dick at that place where it used to belang. I don't know how my brain knows, that this is the place it belongs to, but seems like it does (maybe some sort of instinct?). So I had that feeling before and as I did before, what I tried is, to put my dick in there.
But then problems arise, cause that person I imagine wears leggings. I cannot do that through the leggings. So I imagined it withouzt that leggings...but then the urge disappeared.
Well, so I tried other things, like what'd be if I just touch it with my dick and so on. All with the result, that it does not satisfy that urge.
Then I added another arousing detail...For a first same result. And then somewhere in there something must had happened, that allowed me to have that sex phantasie. I cannot remember the actual sequence of it, but I do remember the following:
Seems like I somehow mixed up the "with leggings" and "without leggings" phantase, then were able to imagine the "without leggings" part while still having that urge(Or another urge now replacing that one?). Then I put off my own trouser, so that I could rub my nude dick (usually I'm rubbing it through my trousers). So then some more detail, probably masturbation more similiar to what you guys usually do and not to how I usually masturbate.(So like first pulling my skin a little bit back and the starting to rub. With only two fingers). And that worked.

 

 

What that does tell me for sure is, that I can have moments, where I can get along with sex without problems (maybe even feel some kind of pleasure. But I'm not sure if that's only physical pleasure or also some mental things). Also it tells me, that the feeling I felt and did not know what it was (as referred in different places, e.g. here) can lead to sexual actions, even though it's not easy and requires both some consciouse action and some sort of loss of consciousness (the later to actually get from that feeling and the initial idea to the actual sex phantasy).

 

But I'm not sure about what that actually tells me about my asexuality. I know that was the first time it lead to such phantasies (although I guess one time I got near that before but it ended with some fetish phantasies). And I know I don't feel that initial urge often.
Also now after the wohle thing I'm somehow disgusted or repulsed (not permanently, but somehow there where moments).

 

I mean, I cannot even anymore imagine any part of this. I'm not sure how that relates to different masturbations or whatever I've had. Also I'm somehow sure that it plays a role that I was tired while doing, half asleep, cause it happend earlý in the morning.

 

Is this sex-positive? Is this somehow fluid sexual (I guess there was a word for persons who experience sexual things just for short timespans)? Was there sexual attraction involved (if yes, what part of it was the sexual attraction? The initial urge? Or was that just some sort of instinct)? Was there some sort of sexual desire?

 

And (what probably nobody yet can answer): Is this the begining of some permanent changes? Like I decided to not want my fetish anymore and nor it gets replaced by this? Or like I just got old enough to develope such feelings (but I'm nearly 21 years old...)?

 

What this also shows again: I seem to have phases, to which I cannot relate afterwards. Phases, where I'm somehow do and want (wanting in a way that I cannot really analyze) things, that I don't want afterward, that I maybe even think of as disgusting or animalic or whatever.

 

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