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Any advice for making friends when you get older


Garden Party

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Garden Party

As you get older, your friends get married and have kids. The relationships change. It is always weird because I don’t want to be a third wheel. So you can’t go do things like before.
 

Then there are singles groups, But they just try to push you into dating. I don’t know if they have sites for wanting  people to go do things with. Everything seems to be about DATING! Grrrrrr.
 

Don’t people just enjoy spending time with others doing activities they both like without all of the nonsense? 
 

How do you meet people to be friends with when everything is about dating?  
 

 

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Developing new quality friendships can be hard because it takes time to build up trust in any relationship, which requires regularity of interaction.

 

However, there are plenty of ways to meet new people that have nothing to do with dating. Checkout meetup.com for meetups aligned with your interests in your locality, meet people through work, meet people at industry related events, bookclubs, join a sports team or gym class, volunteer, attend local community events, involve yourself in activism around a cause you care about, do a short course, or attend LGBTQIA+ community events that are not dating related.

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14 minutes ago, Garden Party said:

How do you meet people to be friends with when everything is about dating?  
 

Meetup.com

Volunteering

Faith groups

School clubs

Associations of interest

Adult Ed Classes

Trivia Nights

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Basi.biroace

As I've gotten older, I've learned that I'd rather have 2-3 really good friends than a large handful.  I've also gotten into a lot of personal hobbies so that when I do get to spend time with my friends, I have things to talk about. My therapist actually told me that recent studies have proven that social happiness can occur with a single really good friend.  

My advice would be to not concern yourself with how many friends you have, rather the quality of friends. Relationships change for sure, and you can always rekindle friendships later on down the road. Understand people are busy. 

 

Oh, I also do a lot of online gaming. A few of my friends are actually online. 

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I made friends via social groups which weren't about dating. There's plenty of them on Meetup.com. Just avoid one's which are explicitly for "singles". Also volunteering.

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It can be trickier currently, with covid and all, but I expect that to ease up eventually.

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I am now 66 and new on the forum and have a reasonable circle of friends who probably think I'm a bit odd in a nice way  I tend to join walking and birdwatching type activities where the focus is not on dating and are very mixed with singles couples but i would love to meet friends who are more like me but proving not easy x

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I don’t have any close friends at the moment. I moved from Illinois to Southwest Michigan and don’t really know anyone here. I really want to meet someone to hang out with and develop a closer relationship with. 

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DemonicEnby

I was very social when I was younger and had to realise that what I called friends weren't really that. Most of them I met when I was still actively going to parties and stuff, but now I keep contact with very few of them. And being here on the forum I found some people who I would call friends though I don't know if I will ever meet then in rl any time soon. 

The other part is me being too lazy for the whole getting to know people shindig and stepping in the others toes because I am finding myself too old to bother with being careful about sensitivities all the time and just think well, here I am, deal with it or eff off. 

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I believe you have to start by meeting people.  Which would explain why I don't have any friends.  😅

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I don't know - but I have the same question/need to make friends - casual friends are nice but I need someone that is as committed to the friendship/relationship as I am. I have had really close friends... but they leave me in the end. I'm so tired of being disposable.

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Hi Joy. 
I agree. The older I get the tougher it is to form new solid relationships. 
PM me if you’d like chat. You can always at least have a chat buddy. 

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muffinmamak

Joining a group of some sort helps a lot.  My closest friends are from my 12 step recovery group.  But joining a gardening plot, or volunteer organization is a great way to meet like minded people.  Do you have any hobbies that there are groups for?  I'm thinking of looking for a birdwatching group to join.  Also, for some reason, hanging out in a coffee shop always seems to lead to new friendships.  Are there any hobbies or anything that you are into?

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Amethyst_Jade

I find myself in a similar situation. I can literally say I have no friends and haven't had any close friends for several years. I am out of practice and not sure how to remedy the situation. Thank you all for contributing your opinions to this topic. Sometimes it is a great help just to know your not the only one having such an experience!

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  • 1 month later...
On 6/11/2021 at 2:16 AM, Garden Party said:

As you get older, your friends get married and have kids. The relationships change. It is always weird because I don’t want to be a third wheel. So you can’t go do things like before.
 

Then there are singles groups, But they just try to push you into dating. I don’t know if they have sites for wanting  people to go do things with. Everything seems to be about DATING! Grrrrrr.
 

Don’t people just enjoy spending time with others doing activities they both like without all of the nonsense? 
 

How do you meet people to be friends with when everything is about dating?  
 

 

 

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Yes, exactly. I want a friend to do things with and don't want to be a third wheel. I can't find groups that don't involve dating. It's hard. I go to outdoor events and sit on  benches, essentially advertising the fact that I'm alone. But I certainly do not want to be "hit on". I wish there were groups near me for people just looking for a friend. I live in Newfoundland, Canada, and am 'from away' and have no friends or family where I live. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm not sure the ages of other people here, but what I found is that "everything is about dating" really only lasted through my early 30s.  After that, everyone who wanted to be partnered pretty much was, and it stopped mattering any more.

I now have many close friends where I am friends with both members of a couple, and I don't feel at all like a third wheel, because they are a well-established partnership, and I have friendships with each member of the couple individually as well as together.  In some of these cases, I became friends with one of the members of the couple and then later met their spouse and then all three of us gelled.  In other cases, I was friends with one member of the couple all along, including while they were dating, and I just stuck it out with them through the (to me really difficult to navigate) time period during which they were dating--but never hung out with them on dates to avoid being a third wheel!--and then eventually after they settled down, became friends with their partner too.  Of course, you do have to make friends in the first place, so what I'm saying here isn't a solution to that.

I just wanted to offer my perspective that the "everything's about dating" phase doesn't last forever, and you can wait it out and see it through to the other side.  My impression is now, even when I meet no people, nobody tries to set me up any more.  They're just like, "Well, this person has made it for 40 years and can probably take care of themself."  Or, at least I infer that that's what they're like!  Nobody seems to come at me all presumptuous any more that I must want to be in a relationship; they seem to be very accepting of the idea that by this point in life, I have had the opportunity to make my own choices.

It is one of my favorite things about being in this age group, honestly.

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On 6/11/2021 at 5:46 AM, Garden Party said:

As you get older, your friends get married and have kids. The relationships change. It is always weird because I don’t want to be a third wheel. So you can’t go do things like before.
 

Then there are singles groups, But they just try to push you into dating. I don’t know if they have sites for wanting  people to go do things with. Everything seems to be about DATING! Grrrrrr.
 

Don’t people just enjoy spending time with others doing activities they both like without all of the nonsense? 
 

How do you meet people to be friends with when everything is about dating?  
 

 

Totally in the same boat right now. All my friends are either getting married or have has babies and its all about families now and I'm in a massive rut because I've only just found a full time job and have the money to do all the things they got to do about 10 years ago. So feel so left behind. I'm quite socially awkward and those Single  friends I have are into very different things. Whereas I want to go to theme parks, ride rollercoasters, go bowling and to arcades, I like music, I like board games, conventions, quiz nights at the pub. And although my single friends like some of those things they don't like all of them. They like trains and dungeons and dragons and Warhammer ( I like the painting them but I'm not one for strategy games...not smart enough 😅)

 

I would love to find more people who like to do the things I find fun. Right now it's a choice of doing everything I want to do with my 65 year old mum (who has arthritis in her knee and hates heights) or go by myself. After years of practice doing things myself seems to be the only option. 

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Veggie-saurus
On 6/27/2021 at 1:35 PM, Amethyst_Jade said:

 Sometimes it is a great help just to know your not the only one having such an experience!

Totally agree with this! I've come to the realization that I have an amazing social circle but they prefer small gatherings at home over going out to galleries or spontaneous outings. I'd like to maintain those friendships and perhaps make a new friend or two that enjoy exploring. I've been attending zoom life drawing sessions and while I haven't made any BFFs, it is nice to see familiar faces each week.

 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

I feel the same way. Since my retirement, it seems harder to find friends much less close friends. Then again Covid hasn't helped any. Signed up for a book club, but they are meeting in a restaurant. Not sure I am comfortable with that at this time.

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  • 2 weeks later...
InfamousLeather

What is friend? 😅 I haven't had a close friendship group since my late teens/early twenties.... I hijacked my ex partner's friends for a while until we split up, I think I just expect too much from people... I was raised by bikers and was always taught that you be there for your friends, go above and beyond, but very few people have ever been there when I needed them, so I just stopped needing people after a while 🤪

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InfamousLeather
On 8/21/2021 at 7:01 PM, AJ 0688 said:

Totally in the same boat right now. All my friends are either getting married or have has babies and its all about families now and I'm in a massive rut because I've only just found a full time job and have the money to do all the things they got to do about 10 years ago. So feel so left behind. I'm quite socially awkward and those Single  friends I have are into very different things. Whereas I want to go to theme parks, ride rollercoasters, go bowling and to arcades, I like music, I like board games, conventions, quiz nights at the pub. And although my single friends like some of those things they don't like all of them. They like trains and dungeons and dragons and Warhammer ( I like the painting them but I'm not one for strategy games...not smart enough 😅)

 

I would love to find more people who like to do the things I find fun. Right now it's a choice of doing everything I want to do with my 65 year old mum (who has arthritis in her knee and hates heights) or go by myself. After years of practice doing things myself seems to be the only option. 

Oh no, it sounds like you're living my life! Although my mum is 75 and I haven't painted any warhammer since I was 15 (although I've also never played a game of it, but I did have a nice collection of Bretonnian knights and some 40k orks for a while) 😄

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1 hour ago, InfamousLeather said:

I did have a nice collection of Bretonnian knights and some 40k orks for a while

Good choices. I still have some Bretonnians and space orks (some non-GW ones among them).

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InfamousLeather
3 minutes ago, daveb said:

Good choices. I still have some Bretonnians and space orks (some non-GW ones among them).

Right? I think I saw the two sides of my personality reflected in them.... I like to think of myself as a dystopian anarchist war machine with the virtue and chivalry of a knight errant.... 

 

...or I just thought they looked like the coolest figures... 😅

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1 minute ago, InfamousLeather said:

Right? I think I saw the two sides of my personality reflected in them.... I like to think of myself as a dystopian anarchist war machine with the virtue and chivalry of a knight errant.... 

 

...or I just thought they looked like the coolest figures... 😅

:lol: 

 

My collection is almost entirely about the figures I like the look of, rather than trying to build great armies or anything strategic. :lol: 

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InfamousLeather
1 hour ago, daveb said:

:lol: 

 

My collection is almost entirely about the figures I like the look of, rather than trying to build great armies or anything strategic. :lol: 

100%, I remember back when I was in school there was another guy that was collecting figures, and we sat there one day discussing the idea of setting up a regular game in the back of the library, kind of a warhammer club thing.... I was just like... "You know... I think I'm happy just painting them...." 😅

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