Jump to content

Am I overthinking my sexuality?


Recommended Posts

Syzygyneonmoon

Hello, I am currently in a situation causing me immense anxiety and stress, because I can't seem to find any sexual or romantic orientation that fits me. I wonder if anyone has any idea if my sexuality is something I have never considered before, or if I'm just overthinking my feelings?

A little bit about me: I'm a 20 years old AFAB trans guy from Sweden and my pronouns are he/they.

First of all, I recently realised that I'm on the ace spectrum since, growing up, I almost never felt sexual attraction towards anyone. I can only name one time when I certainly felt sexual attraction towards someone. That was almost 10 years ago when I had my first, and so far only, boyfriend. That was also the first and only time I know for sure that I've been in love. 

I don't have much experience with sex and I'm not yet sure whether I would like it or not. Me and my boyfriend never went further than kissing when we were together. A couple of years later, I tried to have sex a few times, with both women and men, but it never felt right. I've never had sex with someone I have been romantically or sexually attracted to though. I've always felt a strong desire to be in a romantic relationship with someone, but I've never, or very rarely, felt strong romantic or sexual attraction towards anyone. Since I only felt attracted to my boyfriend, whom I was in love with at the time, I thought I needed to feel a strong emotional attraction such as romantic feelings towards someone, before feeling sexually attracted to them. This is the reason why I identified as panromantic demisexual a while ago. But I have, for the last couple of years, kissed both women and men that I've felt vague but apparent sexual attraction towards, without any romantic feelings involved. Therefore, I can experience primary attraction and I don't think I'm demisexual. 

About five years ago, I identified as bisexual and biromantic since I felt some kind of attraction towards both women and men. Back then, I did not know that there are more than two genders and I didn't know about being panromantic and/or pansexual. I've had 'crushes' on people, regardless of their gender, during the past few years, but it is hard for me to separate the different kinds of attraction. Is it sensual? Romantic? Sexual? Aesthetic? Emotional? What do the different kinds of attraction feel like and what separates them from each other? At age 17~18, When I started questioning my gender identity and realised I was trans, I did not know whether I wanted to be like or to be with the men I found attractive. I know I can and have been attracted to men several times in my life and I have also been attracted to women a couple of times. But what kind of attraction I've actually felt, I can't really determine.

I haven't met many people identifying beyond the binary yet, but I know that gender doesn't really matter to me when choosing a partner. Therefore, I have identified as pansexual and panromantic, but neither of those really emphasise what I feel all the time. I have also identified as asexual and aromantic, greysexual and greyromantic for a while. I have even identified as aceflux and aroflux since my asexual and aromantic feelings are quite fluid. It seems like my sexual orientation is rather fluid in general. I've been documenting my romantic and sexual preferences for the past few weeks and my sexual and romantic orientation has fluctuated a lot from day to day. I've been identifying as homosexual, homoromantic, bisexual, biromantic, heterosexual, heteroromantic, panromantic and pansexual but mostly somewhere closer to ace & aro. 

This makes me so terribly confused. Am I overthinking my sexual and romantic orientation? Is that why I keep changing my preferences? Maybe I need to try dating different people first and try things, before I decide what I really want? But what if I don't feel any desire to date people? Am I in fact acearo and just scared of being alone? However, what if my sexuality and/or romantic orientation really is fluid? Could I be abrosexual and/or abroromantic? If so, I'm afraid of what it will mean to me beacause I want to find a life partner and be with them for a long time, but if my sexuality keeps fluctuating from day to day, I'm afraid that I'll never be able to have a solid relationship. What if I meet a wonderful person that I feel romantically and/or sexually attracted to for the moment, but then stop feeling any kind of attraction towards after a while? How will they be able to cope with my fluctuating sexuality?

I feel worried and anxious about the future because I really want to fall in love with someone and stay in love with them and I also want my feeling to be reciprocated. What am I? Am I just overthinking?

Thank you in advance!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Luftschlosseule
9 minutes ago, Syzygyneonmoon said:

Am I overthinking my sexual and romantic orientation? Is that why I keep changing my preferences?

Hello and welcome to Aven! Have a :cake: !

From what you described, it sounds like you're watching, trying to make sense of it all, and questioning as such is not overthinking.
Also, "keep changing" implies that you do it actively, but you're labelling yourself according to what you feel, right?

 

I have no definitive answer for you, but I want to tell you that it's all right. Nobody expects you to solve it on time, you don't have a deadline to reach.
Take as much time as you need. Be kind to yourself. I know that's an easy thing to say and a harder one to do, and we can only try.
"Questioning" is a valid label you could adopt for the moment, so you know you have one that fits, and you can search further.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Syzygyneonmoon
19 hours ago, Luftschlosseule said:

Hello and welcome to Aven! Have a :cake: !

From what you described, it sounds like you're watching, trying to make sense of it all, and questioning as such is not overthinking.
Also, "keep changing" implies that you do it actively, but you're labelling yourself according to what you feel, right?

 

I have no definitive answer for you, but I want to tell you that it's all right. Nobody expects you to solve it on time, you don't have a deadline to reach.
Take as much time as you need. Be kind to yourself. I know that's an easy thing to say and a harder one to do, and we can only try.
"Questioning" is a valid label you could adopt for the moment, so you know you have one that fits, and you can search further.

Hello! Thank you for the warm welcome and the lovely :cake:

 

I understand that I need to give myself the time it takes to figure out my feelings. I'm probably questioning my identity at the moment and I really want to be fine with that label.

 

However, I really desire being able to put my feelings into words and gain a sense of belonging. I want to understand and be understood. It's hard when everything going on inside is rather vague and undefined. I also want to meet someone and I feel like dating may be hard if I don't have a label for my sexuality.

 

Everything's rather confusing right now. Thank you for your kind words and for making me feel valid. Also, thank you so for reaching out to me and helping me! 

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/10/2021 at 10:13 PM, Syzygyneonmoon said:

I've been documenting my romantic and sexual preferences for the past few weeks and my sexual and romantic orientation has fluctuated a lot from day to day. I've been identifying as homosexual, homoromantic, bisexual, biromantic, heterosexual, heteroromantic, panromantic and pansexual but mostly somewhere closer to ace & aro. 

This makes me so terribly confused. Am I overthinking my sexual and romantic orientation?

Only you can decide for yourself, but yeah, it does kind of sound like you may be overthinking it. While sexuality can fluctuate, it doesn't change on a daily or weekly basis, and some of the labels you're cycling through contradict (e.g. it makes no sense to identify as homosexual one day, and heterosexual the next).  

 

On 6/10/2021 at 10:13 PM, Syzygyneonmoon said:

I have identified as pansexual and panromantic, but neither of those really emphasise what I feel all the time.

Hey, nobody feels anything all the time. Sexual attraction is what we feel for another person, and we are not always going to be around people who we feel attracted to. And, even if we are around someone we absolutely love, we are not going to feel 'attracted' every minute of that time together. Relationships are more varied and complex than that. 

 

Look for the attraction patterns over time. From what you've said, you've been attracted to both men and women, had sexual and romantic attractions, however perhaps not very often or very strongly. Low or inconsistent levels of attraction may be because you are still young and haven't yet found a good match - when you don't yet know your needs, may need to kiss a few frogs before it becomes clearer what kind of people will be a better match for you. Or it could be that you're grey-ace.

 

It's okay to not be sure, you have plenty of time to work it out, and it may be best to hold off on labels until you've gotten to know yourself a bit better. If you're interested in dating, you can say you are open to dating all genders. Dating is always a process to see if who you do or don't connect with. Having a label won't guarantee a connection.

 

Good luck, and enjoy the cake 🧁.

 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Why not just roll with it and live your life instead of looking for a "label"? Looks like that would be a huge stress reliever for you. :cake:

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/10/2021 at 5:13 AM, Syzygyneonmoon said:

I am currently in a situation causing me immense anxiety and stress, because I can't seem to find any sexual or romantic orientation that fits me

Finding a label that fits when you've felt out of place, and sharing your experiences with others who identify with the same/similar can be cathartic. It's wonderful not to feel alone, and all the other positive feelings of shared experiences. But the way you are describing your anxiety over this process of looking through the wardrobe to see what fits you...



; I think Homer is right. At this point it seems like it would be a huge stress reliever to "just roll with it" for awhile. It will not be mysterious to you forever, but trying to force an identity in the short term when it's causing you "immense anxiety and stress" is definitely not the most healthy introduction to a fuller understanding of yourself. It may also lead you to do this habitually, question every label and possible identity (since it is rare for most to find one that fits just perfectly, and that is normal -- this is not a place for diagnosis -- it is a place to provide you with tools in language to understand yourself better.)

 

And the most effective part of that here, I've found, is talking with/reading the stories of other people who are (and were, and often still are again) questioning, like yourself. I've discovered that getting many different points of view, though it may be confusing, is nowhere near as confusing as looking at a long F.A.Q. with dozens of labels and trying to figure that out from the text without that fellow-human context filled with a multitude of experiences.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Allyssa Ash

Hi Syzygyneonmoon

 

I don't have advice for you about your sexuality since I'm still learning all the terms (and identify as sexual myself). I will mirror what others have said:

  1. You are valid in your feelings, and there are others out there that are feeling the same.
  2. You don't need to figure out everything right now.  You have time.  I'm in my mid 40's and only now coming to full terms with my sexual orientation and gender identity.  The important thing is you're trying to figure things out.  Take time to do that, and hopefully it will come to you eventually.  Life is strange that way.
  3. It's okay to fluctuate.  The more I learn about gender and sexual identity, the more I realize that.  No two people seem to have the same experience (which make us unique individuals), though you can find commonality with others.  My gender identity fluctuations off and on between non-binary and feminine, and it's taken half a lifetime for me to recognize that (and start to come to terms).  My sexual orientation fluctuations a little as well. where I primarily feel attraction to female/female aligned people, but at times can feel attraction to male/male aligned people, and sometimes overwhelming sexual attraction when it comes to pornography.  In my case, my gender plays a role in that where I cant figure out if I want to be the male or the female or both in certain situations.

My advice, for what it's worth and I am no means an expert, take the time to see what fits for you and what you find comfort in.  No one can really tell you that, and it may change through your life.  Take a little time to enjoy the journey, and hopefully you'll find the person (or people) that complete and fulfill your life.  I hope it works out for you!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Arctangent
On 6/10/2021 at 5:13 AM, Syzygyneonmoon said:

If so, I'm afraid of what it will mean to me beacause I want to find a life partner and be with them for a long time, but if my sexuality keeps fluctuating from day to day, I'm afraid that I'll never be able to have a solid relationship. What if I meet a wonderful person that I feel romantically and/or sexually attracted to for the moment, but then stop feeling any kind of attraction towards after a while? How will they be able to cope with my fluctuating sexuality?

As someone who has also changed how I identify over time, this is certainly a worry I've had before as well. I have sometimes in the past wished I was someone who "always knew" what my sexuality was so I never had to worry about the ambiguity and the possibility of future change. However, keep in mind that sometimes things change even people who are certain in their sexuality for much of their life. Humans are messy, and no one can ever truly know what the future holds.

 

Anyway, so you're currently uncertain about your sexual orientation, you don't know what the future will bring, and you worry this will impact your ability to find a long term partner. I can certainly understand where this fear is coming from since I've felt it before too. In practice, though, it's mattered less for me than you might think. When it comes to communicating your wants, needs, and dealbreakers to a potential partner, it's possible to do so without knowing your "label" exactly. If you're feeling uncertain about where you fall on the asexuality/sexuality spectrum, you can inform potential partners upfront to see if that matters to them. It'll probably be a dealbreaker for some people, and that's okay - you probably want to find that out sooner rather than later. However, you might be surprised how flexible some people can be. Some people won't mind giving you the space to explore your sexuality if that's what you feel you need, which can be very helpful in your journey to figure yourself out.

 

What's important is to communicate with the other person(s) at all times so they know how you're feeling and whether something's changed. In actuality, this would be the case even if you knew your "label" exactly. It's not like all bisexual people are sexually compatible with all other bisexual people, for example. They can still differ in terms of desired frequency and type of sexual activity. It's also not uncommon for someone's sex drive to change over time, and communication is key in that scenario as well. So, my advice (which you are welcome to take or leave) would be to focus less on the exact "label" you fit into and more staying in tune with your feelings and effectively communicating them to others. Maybe you feel very uncertain right now, but as you get more experience, you'll probably get a better sense of your overall preferences and tolerances for sexual activity and the types of people you're compatible with.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Law of Circles said:

However, keep in mind that sometimes things change even people who are certain in their sexuality for much of their life. Humans are messy, and no one can ever truly know what the future holds.

👍 I was 100% certain. No question. Are you kidding? 100%! You must be joking. Right? This isn't happening. How can this be? No way! Now you must be kidding! OMG. help? What's going on? I thought if I was sure of anything it'd be this... wtf? I haven't changed! Something has, but it wasn't me. (Right?) It doesn't work that way! (Does it?)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP..... I’ve been through this agonising search for identity etc. I spoke with my  sis abt it, airing  my concerns. She’s cis. Her advice was rly useful to me...... just go with the flow. 
you may want to know where you’re at right now, today..... but it seems like you’re chasing a moving target. 
 

in actual fact, the only person demanding an answer is you, and you rly don’t have to nail your colours to the mast today..... or tomorrow ...... or the day after. Give yourself the freedom to explore. It’s a lot easier on the anxiety then. 😊

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...