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joyfulemma

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joyfulemma

Hello, all!

A few months ago I started researching and decided I DEFINITELY identify as aromantic, and I considered asexuality in there also, but I didn't feel the need (or that I had enough knowledge) to add that label at the time. It's been popping up in my head a lot the past few days though, so I'm doing more research and I'd like to get your feedback on what I feel and where I'm at!

(Quick relevant note: I am practicing abstinence until marriage for religious reasons. While I recognize that doesn't affect my sexuality, it does make me a little less confident in being able to say for sure one way or the other). 

 

Okay, so here's me! I'm a 27yo female, never dated for more than 6 weeks or so because romantic relationships always feel really formal, stiff, and claustrophobic for me. I recently came out as aromantic, and haven't had the chance for any relationships since then, but I'm really excited to someday have the opportunity to find that best friend and be able to actually communicate my needs. My love language is ABSOLUTELY physical touch, which is the main reason I've held out so long on the idea of being asexual. I can't be all about touch and be asexual, right? Well.... possibly wrong. I absolutely experience aesthetic attraction, emotional attraction, and deeeeeefinitely experience sensual attraction. But there's prettymuch never a point I can think of where I look at someone and say "ah yes, I'd like to do them/want them to do me," not even when a person I think is aesthetically or sensually attractive is doing something sexual. I've never been interested in pornography or other pictoral/video depictions of sex (which I always thought was related to my awesome devotion to my religious beliefs, but now I wonder...). I can see someone naked or mostly naked and it doesn't phase me, except that I usually will avert my eyes from their genitals (male and female alike). I've never liked kissing, though I'm at the point where I can appreciate it (which I told my sister yesterday and she was absolutely gobsmacked by how foreign and cold that phrasing was). I love snuggling and other sorts of gentle touches. But really, it's any kinds of touch; a child playing with my hair or rubbing my back is just as good as a man holding my hand. That's one of the biggest things that helps me think it's possibly sensual instead of sexual, because that'd be REALLY concerning otherwise. But that actually brings up one of my main indicators; my mom, my sisters and I watch a lot of k-pop, and there's some inherent sexualization there, but it never seems to affect me quite the same way. They're often confused at how I can bias boys so much younger than me, but it's really not sexual for me. I can appreciate their attractiveness and even manliness without thinking "mmmmmm, that asian man would be so nice in bed." Yike. There are definitely things I don't get (like looking at butts, thighs, and getting weak at a growly voice), and others that, while I appreciate them aesthetically or recognize logically are attractive things, they don't seem to hit me the same way as they do my sisters. I do often question though whether I'm less-than-sexual or whether my sisters are hypersexual, haha. I don't know if I just have remarkable restraint or if I truly am not feeling something that everyone else is. 

 

At this point, I'd probably identify as graysexual aromantic, but I'd really like to hear your guys' thoughts/opinions. Thank you for reading! Feel free to ask questions too, I'm not a private person. 

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Sarah-Sylvia

Hi.

If you never feel drawn to sexual activity then that can be asexual, you don't have to even use the label graysexual, sensuality is different.

 

11 minutes ago, joyfulemma said:

My love language is ABSOLUTELY physical touch

Me too :) And to me it's not sexual.
 

The reason I consider myself graysexual in my case is because rarely, if I'm in the right mood, and if the emotional dynamic happens, then I can be a little drawn to some sexual activities, not just sensual. Sometimes sensuality can lead a little there, but in my case I can then after a little bit find it uninteresting again, and I'd rather move on to other parts of the body or cuddle, etc. It's that I could sometimes/rarely go further, for the sexual pleasure that I use the graysexual label. In general I don't consider myself a sexual person and sexuality is not a language of love for me.

 

Anyway I hope some of those thoughts from my own experience adds a little too.

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2 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi.

Oh my gosh, HI! :D I've seen your comments on a bunch of other posts, and I think you're awesome. I'm totally honored that you commented on my post! 
 

2 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

rarely, if I'm in the right mood, and if the emotional dynamic happens, then I can be a little drawn to some sexual activities, not just sensual. Sometimes sensuality can lead a little there, but in my case I can then after a little bit find it uninteresting again, and I'd rather move on to other parts of the body or cuddle, etc. It's that I could sometimes/rarely go further, for the sexual pleasure that I use the graysexual label.

That totally makes sense. While I'm never attracted to sex... mentally, I guess you could say, I think I'd be totally up for it physically if the moment was right. I don't know if there's a term for that, haha, being mentally asexual but physically sexual. But also, I won't know for sure that I'm physically sexual until I actually try having sex. I'd like to get an idea, if I can, before then (I'd like my future partner to have at least an idea of what they're marrying), but I know that I may never know for sure until I'm actually in the situation. 

Thanks again for your thoughts!

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Sarah-Sylvia
2 minutes ago, joyfulemma said:

Oh my gosh, HI! :D I've seen your comments on a bunch of other posts, and I think you're awesome. I'm totally honored that you commented on my post! 
 

That totally makes sense. While I'm never attracted to sex... mentally, I guess you could say, I think I'd be totally up for it physically if the moment was right. I don't know if there's a term for that, haha, being mentally asexual but physically sexual. But also, I won't know for sure that I'm physically sexual until I actually try having sex. I'd like to get an idea, if I can, before then (I'd like my future partner to have at least an idea of what they're marrying), but I know that I may never know for sure until I'm actually in the situation. 

Thanks again for your thoughts!

I'm glad you appreciated the post :)
That's a good question if there's a word for that. The closest thing I know is Responsive Desire, which apparently a good percentage of women, and even some men, have. It means someone who feels sexual attraction/desire on response to the other person initiating. Maybe it could fit a little in that, but it does seem like it's a little different too.

In whatever case the most important is to be yourself, and better labels might seem to fit later on, and it's up to you what you go with in the meantime, or if anything. I had a question mark next to mine for a long time, but now I feel comfortable enough with how it is ❤️

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DragonflytotheMoon

I agree with, Sarah. For me touching is about affection. Yes, there's the physical, but even more so (at least for me) there's the emotional connection. I love holding hands, back rubs (not massages), cuddling & soft, sweet kisses. I like all of these on their own. Sometimes cuddling leads to kissing, for example. Occasionally it can turn into more. Often not. Which is fine since I don't want it to.

 

I do like butts (certain sizes & shapes). Both men & women. Also deep voices. Again, both men & women. It might spark me a little, but then it passes. I can appreciate certain physical traits without getting all primal about it. Admittedly, I have been like that, now & then for different reasons. Which is normal for me, though probably outside of whatever normal is perceived as. 

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10 hours ago, GypsyButterfly said:

I love holding hands, back rubs (not massages), cuddling & soft, sweet kisses. I like all of these on their own. Sometimes cuddling leads to kissing, for example. Occasionally it can turn into more. Often not. Which is fine since I don't want it to.

 

I do like butts (certain sizes & shapes). Both men & women. Also deep voices. Again, both men & women. It might spark me a little, but then it passes. I can appreciate certain physical traits without getting all primal about it. Admittedly, I have been like that, now & then for different reasons. Which is normal for me, though probably outside of whatever normal is perceived as. 

This describes me really well! All the stuff you said about touching is spot-on. And I 100% appreciate people's bodies aesthetically, and have things I look at – backs, waists, hands, faces, and hair are my main things – but like you said, I don't know that my appreciation or liking of those favorite spots is quite the same as it is for those around me, not as "primal," like you put it. 

So you identify as Greyace then?

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DragonflytotheMoon

Yes, Greyace. Or as I say, Grace. Even people that do have stronger drives can still see a person that they find attractive, but it doesn't spark anything in them beyond that recognition. Now & then I  have had people that I felt, literally, took my breath away. In the moment I had a giddy feeling. Much less about anything sexual & more of an emotional response. My attractions & connections tend to focus on the intellectual & emotional. 

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8 hours ago, GypsyButterfly said:

Now & then I  have had people that I felt, literally, took my breath away. In the moment I had a giddy feeling. Much less about anything sexual & more of an emotional response. My attractions & connections tend to focus on the intellectual & emotional. 

That sounds right. I was just looking at some of my favorite people last night in an absolutely GORGEOUS photoshoot and I felt that kind of giddy feeling in my stomach and the desire to look at them always, but there was no desire for anything more than that aesthetic and sensual appreciation.

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DragonflytotheMoon
10 hours ago, joyfulemma said:

That sounds right. I was just looking at some of my favorite people last night in an absolutely GORGEOUS photoshoot and I felt that kind of giddy feeling in my stomach and the desire to look at them always, but there was no desire for anything more than that aesthetic and sensual appreciation.

It's a nice little boost. It's usually random. Sometimes I've had that when I'm first getting to know someone. I mentioned to someone else on here, that I've confused it with romantic feelings. Which I've come to realize I haven't truly experienced. Or, moreso I have, but in my own limited way. Not the way I thought it was supposed to be. Mainly it's a strong clicking with the other person as a really good friend. That's how it tends to turn out to be. Once I've stopped trying to manufacture something that isn't there. Unfortunately, some of them falling for me in the process. I was being myself & not trying to fool them in anyway. I wound up doing that to them & myself. This is something I've just figured out in the last year. Hopefully I can keep from creating a situation again. I should come with a disclaimer. If it seems like I'm in love with you, I'm actually not. I just really adore you as a friend & enjoy your company. 

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On 6/16/2021 at 6:03 PM, GypsyButterfly said:

I've confused it with romantic feelings. Which I've come to realize I haven't truly experienced. Or, moreso I have, but in my own limited way. Not the way I thought it was supposed to be. Mainly it's a strong clicking with the other person as a really good friend. That's how it tends to turn out to be. Once I've stopped trying to manufacture something that isn't there. Unfortunately, some of them falling for me in the process. I was being myself & not trying to fool them in anyway. I wound up doing that to them & myself. This is something I've just figured out in the last year. Hopefully I can keep from creating a situation again. I should come with a disclaimer. If it seems like I'm in love with you, I'm actually not. I just really adore you as a friend & enjoy your company. 

Oh MAN I relate. 100% aromantic, with a string of hearts behind me that I really really tried to take care of but ended up breaking anyway. 
 

And I suppose that’s part of my hesitation with claiming asexual, is that I was DEFINITELY able to claim aromantic, but asexual is “yes, but XYZ.” And I guess that’s why the term graysexual is so important and perfect! 

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DragonflytotheMoon

@joyfulemma

 

I don't consider myself aromantic. I do want to love. I have been loved. I was with my ex for 23 years. I probably came the closest to loving him. We've always had & continue to have a great friendship. The inner work & healing I've done (which was for past abuses & traumas) has been beneficial for me in other ways. Including figuring out how I love. Maybe, romantically, for whatever reason, I just love very short term. But, can go the long haul as a friend. Of course, that doesn't help others who have fallen & were still feeling it long after I had switched gears. 

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