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For those who list multiple pronouns--


For those who list multiple pronouns--  

57 members have voted

  1. 1. If you are someone who lists multiple pronoun options, for example in your email signature or in a social media profile (e.g., "they/he"; "she/they", etc.), how would you like for your acquaintances to respond?

    • I'd prefer it if you use the pronoun that I list first, but I'm also okay with it if you use the pronoun that I list second.
      14
    • I'd prefer it if you use a mixture of the pronouns that I list.
      33
    • I'd prefer it if you choose the pronoun from my list that matches the way you perceive my gender.
      13
    • I'd prefer it if you ask me, and then I can talk to you about it and give you a specific answer about what I want.
      14
    • I'd prefer it if you do not ask me unless I am the one who brings it up in conversation.
      4


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There have been several discussions in this forum in recent weeks about pronouns in which I've seen comments both by people who very much want to be asked and by people who very much don't.

 

By coincidence, yesterday I was at a program with a person whom I have known for several years. This is someone I always enjoy seeing, whom I really like chatting with when we bump into each other, but not someone I am close to.  At the program, we were given nametags with a blank to write pronouns beneath our names, and I saw that this person had written in "she/they." 

 

In the past have always used she to refer to this person, and I have only heard others use she as well, so seeing the nametag gave me new information. Now I'm curious about what I should do with that information.  Of course I want to be respectful of this person's choices, and at the same time I do not want to cause discomfort by calling undue attention to it.

(I'm not sure how relevant this is, but I also recognize that there is a power differential between us, as I am quite a bit older and have more seniority in our field, so I want to be particularly cautious about how I proceed, since I know that kind of power differential can make people feel pressured to behave one way or another.)

 

Mostly, though, I'm generally curious about  what the distribution of feelings is on this issue, so thank you to everyone who takes the poll.

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Obviously I can only speak for myself, but personally I'm pretty much equally happy with whatever pronouns, but then again I usually specifically state that I'm fine with all pronouns, usually listing as "they/she/he" if options are limited or "any" if there are options to do so. 

 

This might be presumptuous of me, but I've always assumed that if someone lists multiple pronoun options, that they're equally fine with whatever they list unless otherwise specified. 

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I just write my pronouns in a random order, and I do say what I prefer from there.

 

I do prefer they/them out of all that I use atm, but it wouldn't be a bother if you used some other pronouns. I don't like the mix of pronouns in a sentence and i feel its better to pick one, use it the whole time, then change it up sometimes

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Zimmermikeee

I used to use they/she/he back in the days

 

I'd prefer ppl to use pronoun which is the first listed (they). But i was quite ok w other ones too.

The reason why i changed to they/them only, ppl used she/he more than they and that gave me discomfort.

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On 6/8/2021 at 7:18 AM, Zimmermikeee said:

 

I'd prefer ppl to use pronoun which is the first listed (they). But i was quite ok w other ones too.

The reason why i changed to they/them only, ppl used she/he more than they and that gave me discomfort.

^ This.

 

At first, I would list my pronouns as "she/they" because I didn't have a preference; then I started listing them as "they/she" when I noticed that everyone always used "she/her" exclusively even when presented with two options, and I really wanted to emphasize that I like "they/them" too by listing "they" first (please switch it up!); and now I just list "they/them" exclusively because I know that I'll still get called "she/her" no matter what, but I figure that listing only "they/them" might at least nudge a few more people to start using that set of pronouns for me.

 

(I only do this in real life because people can clearly see that I have a feminine face/voice irl; when I'm on the internet and can't so easily be read as "feminine", then I'll still list both in any order. And people on the online spaces that I frequent are typically much better at switching up my pronouns than they are in real life!)

 

Edit 5/23/23: I see this thread got bumped. I'll leave my old post here, but I don't do this anymore; now I just list my pronouns as "any". I've decided that I dislike having any pronouns associated with me, but I know that that won't stop people from using them, so I may as well just let people pick whatever. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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All of this is purely theoretical, because thus far I haven't gotten anyone to refer to me as anything other than "she" in real life. "She" isn't horrible, I'm resigned that for the rest of my life, people will look at my waist-length hair and DDD boobs and refer to me as "she" automatically. "They" is my preferred pronoun pretty much all the time, because I'm always non-binary. It has just occurred to me, however, that certain times, or under certain circumstances, I might prefer "he"… I don't know when I'll know for sure, because, again, this is not translating into my real life yet… I'm in my 50s, and this whole gender thing kind of doesn't exist amongst older people outside of alternative communities.

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I've seen a lot of cisgender people use "he/they" or "she/they" just because they didn't mind "they" but also didn't particularly care about what pronouns were used to refer to them. As far as I'm concerned, people can use whatever they like for me, so I don't usually list preferred pronouns anywhere.

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3 hours ago, A r g e n t said:

I've seen a lot of cisgender people use "he/they" or "she/they" just because they didn't mind "they" but also didn't particularly care about what pronouns were used to refer to them. As far as I'm concerned, people can use whatever they like for me, so I don't usually list preferred pronouns anywhere.

Thanks for mentioning that possibility.  I have wondered about the prevalence of this practice. I am aware of at least a couple people who do this, because I have heard them explain explicitly that this is what they do. I know a few other people who might be doing that... or who might be expressing that they are nonbinary, and I have no idea which one they are doing, and I have always been too afraid to ask.

 

On the one hand, I celebrate the work that these people (that is, cis people who don't mind they/them)  are doing by making the choice to normalize the use of they/them pronouns.

On the other hand, I worry that if some people write he/they to mean "yeah, I'm cis, but hey, they/them pronouns are fine for everyone!" while other people write he/they to mean "I am nonbinary and it is important to me that you recognize both the he-aspects of me and the they-aspects of me,"  that then the meaning behind what that second group writes will be obscured.

I don't know whether that is a reasonable thing for me to worry about. I tend to worry about a lot of things...  But this is something I worry about.

 

 

Anyhow, getting back to my colleague who prompted me to start this post...  I don't know whether this is someone who is cisgendered but working to normalize they, or whether this is someone who is nonbinary who has tried to communicate that by writing different pronouns.

I really want to honor what this person wants.  I also know that there are people who don't like being asked about their pronouns. (I strongly dislike being asked about pronouns, although I have not responded to this poll, since I am not someone who lists multiple pronouns.)  And I don't know what to do.

  • I don't want to just keep using she all the time if this person wants me to use they  sometimes
  • I don't want to start conspicuously and arbitrarily using they half the time... for a lot of reasons.  One is that (selfishly) it would just take me a lot of cognitive work to retrain myself to change the pronouns I use for this person, and while I will Absolutely do that if it is wanted, I don't want to do it otherwise.  One is that I don't want to send the wrong message about this person to other people--I don't want other people to assume this person is nonbinary just because I have started using they.  One is that while I do respect the choice to normalize they/them I am very uncomfortable with the idea of using the way that I talk about particular people as a tool to perform social change work. 
    (One of the reasons that I myself don't want to list multiple pronouns, even though I think I'd be okay with different pronouns being used for me,  is that I am a bit afraid that someone might start using different pronouns for me just to make a sociological point, and I would hate that, as it would make me feel dehumanized, as though I was just a pawn in a social change campaign.)
  • Finally, I don't want to ask, since I know that for some people, myself included, being asked is very uncomfortable.

 

So I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place, and that I've put myself there only because I've convinced myself that every single possible option has the capacity to be taken as disrespectful or intrusive, and I wish I could read this person's mind so that I could know what the right thing to do is.

 

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with me like...I'm okay with she/her pronouns sometimes and sometimes I prefer them but my issue is that people see or hear me say "she/her" and just run with it so I've decided to just tell people they're not allowed to use she/her at all. 

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5 hours ago, sirenian said:

 

So I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place, and that I've put myself there only because I've convinced myself that every single possible option has the capacity to be taken as disrespectful or intrusive, and I wish I could read this person's mind so that I could know what the right thing to do is.

Well, I'm certainly no mind reader, but I can say from my own personal experience that I really don't mind talking with people about things like gender & pronouns- I actually quite like it when they ask me these types of questions when it's from a perspective of wanting to be respectful and to learn! I guess if you're nervous about asking, you could always preface your question(s) by asking "Hey, I don't want to be intrusive, but would you mind if I asked you a question about your pronouns?", and maybe mention later in the convo that "I've asked this question to other people who also use multiple pronouns, but I wanted to ask you specifically, since I know that everyone's different".

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personally what i want from cis people in specific is to not make a big deal of it-- i don't mind being asked, but i do mind people making a massive show of it even though i do understand that this is usually done unintentionally.

 

in-person and online, i'm usually fine with whatever people call me and will bring it up if i'd like them to change, but a lot of the time i'd rather be misgendered than worry about having to soothe ruffled feathers if i correct someone on my pronouns

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DarkStormyKnight

I think I'd enjoy a mixture, but I honestly just don't really care at this point.

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I listed she/they in my profile because I have difficulty deciding which to put. Everyone in real life uses she/her and that’s fine with me. In terms of my overall appearance, I have a female body and long hair and occasionally wear “girl colors”. So she/her is the most accurate in terms of the way I appear to people. But if I was to, ignoring any guilty feelings about “pretending” to be non-binary when I don’t feel dysphoria even though I’m not saying I’m non-binary, if I was to determine the most accurate pronouns for myself, I would say they/them. If I chose pronouns completely separate from the way I was born, that’s what I would use. I don’t use she/they anywhere but here, and I’ve never been called anything but she/her. But it’s sort of a compromise, so I feel more like I’m being truthful. Both pronoun sets are accurate, depending on what the actual question is. “What pronouns do you use?” / “What pronouns are you?”

 

If someone asked, my explanation would depend on the person. If it was someone I didn’t know, I’d say both are fine with me and leave it at that. If it was someone I knew better, I’d give them a decent explanation of how I honestly wasn’t sure which to put.

 

To help with your situation, I think most people would be fine with you asking them (perhaps in private so they’re less pressured) how to use their pronouns. The power difference can be tricky, but I think it would be best to ask.

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I have gone back and forth over using pronouns other than the ones corresponding to my birth sex assignment. Nowadays I list He/They and let people use whichever, although I prefer a mix of both. For what it's worth I generally list two names and ask people to generally use both as well, depending on which they feel more comfortable within context. When you get to know me, you'll know where and when to use each. I'm not particular, because some people know me by two different chosen names entirely, and many also know my birth name. Whatever they use is good enough, but most folks know my weird preferences and get it right.

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  • 1 year later...
Itsa me a person

I’m not someone who puts my pronouns in my email but if I were:

I feel like I’d be a mix between “I'd prefer it if you use the pronoun that I list first,” (As in I would like those to be used the most) and “I'd prefer it if you use a mixture of the pronouns that I list.”

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Old Maid Librarian

Is adding "I use she pronouns" when introducing myself to someone considered a polite way to ask what pronouns are used by that person?   It seems to avoid the implication of "I have no idea what the heck you are" of asking for them directly. 

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Personally, I want to be called he/him, so I list that first. I used to really hate being called they/them bc some people did it deliberately to avoid using my preference. But these days, people usually use they/them bc they can tell I'm gnc in some way and they're trying not to be offensive by assuming one gender over another. So I'm okay with they/them, but I really prefer he/him.

 

@Old Maid Librarian I dunno if it's considered polite or not, or how I would react to it in the wild, but I don't think it would be impolite or problematic.  It would open up the floor for people to state their own preferences.

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nickolekuebler

I would prefer a mixture, but I always just get she/her. I am fine with this, I just don't like to be referred to as he/him. 

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AstrophelDragon
On 5/12/2023 at 11:00 AM, Old Maid Librarian said:

Is adding "I use she pronouns" when introducing myself to someone considered a polite way to ask what pronouns are used by that person? 

I personally would love if people did that. Although I'm good with people just asking my pronouns too

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  • 2 weeks later...
a little annihilation

I didn't vote because none of them really fit me. I list leaf second because it's harder for dumb little allistic brains to understand and use. But like, I'm totally fine with people only using it/ its. Idc. Use whatever works tbh, I just don't like she/her and they/them makes me kinda twitchy. 

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nickolekuebler
1 minute ago, planet_caravan said:

I didn't vote because none of them really fit me. I list leaf second because it's harder for dumb little allistic brains to understand and use. But like, I'm totally fine with people only using it/ its. Idc. Use whatever works tbh, I just don't like she/her and they/them makes me kinda twitchy. 

I think leaf is a very cool pronoun. It's original and cute. 

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a little annihilation
2 minutes ago, planet_caravan said:

I didn't vote because none of them really fit me. I list leaf second because it's harder for dumb little allistic brains to understand and use. But like, I'm totally fine with people only using it/ its. Idc. Use whatever works tbh, I just don't like she/her and they/them makes me kinda twitchy. 

But like if poeple do use leaf or refer to me as a leaf or plant makes me feel very happy and validated.

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a little annihilation
Just now, nickolekuebler said:

I think leaf is a very cool pronoun. It's original and cute. 

☺️🍂🍃

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rainbowocollie

Right now I just like they/them, but I have listed she/they or they/she in the past and may again. I prefer they/them overall, but am fine with she/her. I kinda have to be since most people offline are not going to naturally call me they/them

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a little annihilation
4 minutes ago, Collie Grace said:

Right now I just like they/them, but I have listed she/they or they/she in the past and may again. I prefer they/them overall, but am fine with she/her. I kinda have to be since most people offline are not going to naturally call me they/them

I feel that. All but like 5 people use she/her for me even if they know my pronouns. 

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Blue eyes white dragon

I switch between which one I prefer, right now it's more they/them so I put it first but when I feel somewhat more she I'll put that first but when I still want the second ones listed used within the same time as the first. But tbh I don't list mine anywhere between literally no one uses they/them for me and I don't feel like I am in good spot to use them in certain circles

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Rhyn Corinn

I voted for a mixture, but tbh I don't mind if people just use one of them either. I don't seem to really have a strong preference for any one set over the others.

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