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What happens when you're elderly?


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Purple Red Panda
2 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

I was a curmudgeonly child lol.

 I kinda was as well at times. I also used to have moments of existential despair even before being a teenager, in that respect I was something of a prodigy 😉

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1 hour ago, Ceebs. said:

Anyone know Mulberry? That sitcom was an oddly uplifting take on ageing, actually. I loved the friendship between Mulberry and Miss Farnaby. 

I'd enver heard of it and looked it up. It's a bit strange isn't it?

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2 minutes ago, Acing It said:

I'd enver heard of it and looked it up. It's a bit strange isn't it?

It's odd, yeah. But lovely, IMO. Quite touching, if that doesn't sound too cheesy haha. Early 90s BBC One thing.

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I'm 26 and I worry about this.

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7 hours ago, AavaMeri said:

I thought this a lot a few years ago when my Grandma passed away, leaving Grandpa a widower. Naturally, it was a massive shock to Grandpa, who had lived most of his life with Grandma. His physical and mental condition worsened quickly, and his dementia went down fast, likely accelerated by his mourning. He indeed was lucky to have two sons, their wives, and a handful of grandkids to help him to deal his practical issues and/or to visit him. He calmly passed away three years after Grandma, in a care home.

While I did look his helplessness with horror and reflected this on my likely kid-less future, I did spot one thing that is better with me than it is with Grandpa: my Grandpa wasn't a super social person, in fact Grandma was the one who mostly dealt with social interaction outside the household. When she died, Grandpa lost contact with all the other friends sans his descendants - in other words, he was socially massively dependent on Grandma. Me? Since I don't want a partner, I'm more likely to develop a varied social circle rather than to put all my eggs into one basket, even if I'm not massively social either. Hence, I'm less likely to have similar crash-down.

What also helps me is that I have great relationship with my brothers, and at least one of them is going to have kids. So, unless drastic things happen, perhaps there is someone to deal me into a carehome... but I suppose it's still best to be proactive myself and seek a care home early, or perhaps some kind of "old people being room mates in a normal home" home. I'm not entirely secure with all of this.

Dementia also runs in my family, and it makes me worried. I have not said this publicly, not even to my therapist, but I have (lightly) contenplated the idea of exiting this world in old age when I feel like my medical ailments prevent me from actually being myself. My great-grandmother (and, to lesser extend, Grandpa) went through this "is on bed in meds and is barely aware of what's going on" thing, and... I just wonder if that actually made anyone happy, great-grandma especially. I know that allowing euthanasia opens a new worm can of ethical questions, but I don't see it as a happy choice to just keep extending a super old person's life if they are already done. I wonder if the legislation will chance before I hit the old age. I hope it does.

Quality over quantity.

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south paw

not gonna lie I don't want to live to see old old age partly because of this. like I'd rather something randomly take me out before I get to experience the loneliness of older age without a partner or kids. 

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Frankly, I'm more concerned with physical and mental health in old age than being alone. I fear dementia, being invalid, my body shutting down even more. I see what hss happened to my grandparents... my grandma living alone for 25 years after my grandpa died.

 

And remembering that I'm comfy being "mostly alone" with just my friends now,

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11 hours ago, Zagadka said:

Frankly, I'm more concerned with physical and mental health in old age than being alone. I fear dementia, being invalid, my body shutting down even more. I see what hss happened to my grandparents... my grandma living alone for 25 years after my grandpa died.

 

And remembering that I'm comfy being "mostly alone" with just my friends now,

That is my concern too.

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I think most people are worried about this, sexual or asexual.  I had a partner for most of my life, but he died two years ago, so I'm now partner-less.  I have children, but one of them is disabled and needs help herself, and my son is simply not someone I can depend upon to in any way take care of me.  Thus, although I'm asexual, I had a life somewhat like a sexual, and it didn't work out any better than if I hadn't had that life.  

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reverse_psyched

I definitely worry about this. I don't have siblings or other close family that is younger than me and I'm not all that outgoing either. 

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  • 4 weeks later...
MidnightMars

(Whoops, I saw there was a post from last year about this right after I posted...I'm new here and can't seem to delete the post? Ah, well I suppose I'll leave it here...)

 

Hey everyone. I'm pretty confident than I'm ace, and the idea of being in a longterm relationship with anyone is rather off-putting to me. That being said, I'm always scared about what's going to happen to me when I'm older. Most people have a partner and adult kids to take care of them (or at least help them to a minimal degree), but I'll probably have nobody. 

 

I'm still rather young, but I just wanted to ask if anyone else has thought about this? It's far in the future for me, but I can't help but worry. The idea of being in a relationship has always been more about future security than anything for me (a sign that I was ace - I've always thought about relationships as "practical" and that's about it). I feel like I could make it through my 50s and maybe 60s alone without a problem, but being by myself without any family past that scares me. I feel like the only option would be to save up for the nursing home and then check myself in one day. 

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We actually had a post about this maybe 2 weeks ago? I can't remember how it was called, but you should be able to find it again... :) 

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  • 4 weeks later...

my father passed away in his mid fourties. My mum is still doing things and is nearly 80 now. She never to my knowledge engaged in romantic or sexual relationships after my fathers passing.

 

She has her dog, lives in a condo complex for older folks where she has social get togethers with neighbors, and has a group of other older women with dogs that they take for dog walks regularly. She participates in the historical society and garden club. and has a book club she attends. And pre pandemic she would take basket weaving classes, a communicate with her siblings via phone and internet every couple of days or so.

 

There's a lot of potential ways of not becoming completely disconnected, and instead filling your days with things that you enjoy having in your life.

 

But I get the other part of that too. Where the time will come when most of life is behind you, and you come back from an activity or errand, alone. cook dinner alone, eat it alone, clean up and sit in front of the TV alone, shuffle to bed alone, and wake up alone.

 

and while I do find my preferrence is to be alone most of the time. there is a discomfort to the idea of ceasing to exist in the world years before you die. Of not mattering enough to anyone that your abscence would be felt.

 

there are also concerns of being physically vulnerable without somebody you trust with you and somebody whom you also look after and trusts you. I don't know what to do about that and I think it's an aspect of how the modern world has forgotten some of the ways that people used to do things. The modern world has tunnel vision. Even sexual people are struggling with a society that only talks about people in terms of school, marriage and careers. and maybe a bit of an idea about a few years after retirement (some of us don't expect to ever be able to retire). But there are whole chapters of life that nobody shares that come after that.

 

And without good examples or ideas and plans it can seem a scary void, the vulnerable unknown on the other side of retirement, that we end up worrying about.

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I'm absolutely terrified of that, to the point where I think about this almost on a daily basis, and I'm "only" 29! Every time I've told people that I don't want kids, the first thing they said to me was that I'll die alone with no one to take care of me. being told this so often almost feel like emotional abuse, tbh. A week after my dad died last year, my shitty psychologist asked me what I'm going to do when my mother passes and my sister gets a life of her own, since I don't plan on getting married (I don't even oppose to the idea, I just think it's highly unlikely). It made my anxiety a lot worse. :( 

 

I've always resented my mother for having kids only so that she could be taken care of and not being left alone. Besides, a lot of people who I used to call "friends" only valued me for what I can do for them and not for who I am. Most of the time I felt treated like a lady's maid. Because of that, I'm also disgusted by the thought of using people and treating them like a means to an end, and not an end in themselves (especially when it comes to kids, since they don't ask to be born).

 

Being alone doesn't worry me, but health issues do, especially the ones that could leave me dependent on others. I'd be a lot happier, less depressed, more hopeful and less anxious if I knew that I have the courage to end my own life if something bad happened. Tbh, this may be one of the major causes of my mental health issues, because I don't want to force myself to get married and have kids, especially not for that reason. The idea of fighting for a life I don't want to have, spending several decades living it against my will, just so I could be "more comfortable" during my final years (although I would feel like shit for burdening my loved ones) doesn't motivate me or make me see life as something wonderful and full of possibilities -_-

 

So, TL;DR: Besides euthanasia, every option seems horrible to me.

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8 hours ago, Artificer said:

you come back from an activity or errand, alone. cook dinner alone, eat it alone, clean up and sit in front of the TV alone, shuffle to bed alone, and wake up alone.

That's been the story of my entire adult life for the most part. It's not that terrifying or worrying to me. This past year and a half has been all that and more. I have not had a conversation with another person during this time. Not even any kind of zoom thing or the like, much less in person.

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5 minutes ago, daveb said:

That's been the story of my entire adult life for the most part. It's not that terrifying or worrying to me. This past year and a half has been all that and more. I have not had a conversation with another person during this time. Not even any kind of zoom thing or the like, much less in person.

I'm not saying that it's a problem in and of itself. I literally spent all of 2020 like that other than going to work in an essential worker capacity. and I can often be quite content to go months without contact with another person; but it's one thing for that to be your customary routine, and another for it to be how one sumarizes their entire life. To have mattered so little to anyone other than yourself that you could never have existed and they world would not notice a difference has a degree of sadness to it.

 

yes ideally the exerience of ones own enjoyment of life can be the meaning enough for a human life. There is also for some of us a sense of regret that so much is denied us in life, and we struggle with some burdens like health issues, that it's not uncommon for somebody to want for it all to have been worth it. That there might be just something a little bit more than that really great take out from that on place and that movie I kinda liked that one time, that won't be known, last and be remembered when I'm gone.

 

I try not to think about it too much. and it's not a heavy weight on my life, but the desire to have mattered beyond the confines of our own existence.

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46 minutes ago, Artificer said:

To have mattered so little to anyone other than yourself that you could never have existed and they world would not notice a difference has a degree of sadness to it.

Maybe so. 

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1 hour ago, daveb said:

Maybe so. 

that wasn't meant as a 'you in particular' I do not know you and would never presume to comment on another persons value or purpose.

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10 hours ago, Artificer said:

that wasn't meant as a 'you in particular' I do not know you and would never presume to comment on another persons value or purpose.

no worries

 

It's probably true that I have never been the most important in anyone else's life (and after nearly 65 years I may never be), but I hope I have mattered to a few people to some extent and hope I have made some little bit of positive difference. :) 

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  • 3 months later...
Old Maid Librarian

I just turned 70 this week. I'm an only child, never married or had a partner (that not interested in sex issue), never had children because I didn't want them.  I come from a small family and all my cousins were much older. Now 4 of my 5 cousins are dead and the last lives 1,000 miles away. I'm also an atheist, so no church group. My long-time close friends are scattered. None lives less than two hours away and as we get older, we avoid highway driving more.

 

I did manage to save money and stay out of debt when I was still able to work, so I have some savings and a small paid-for house. But even if I can sell the house for a decent price, I won't have enough to buy-in to a decent continuing care home, so I have to work out a way around that.

 

My big problems are things like getting home from cataract surgery since they wouldn't let me leave without a "responsible person" signing for me. (Standard liability avoidance after anesthesia.) Having a neighbor I trust with my house key so the paramedics won't have to break down my door if I'm unable to get to it in a emergency. Not having anyone to take care of my cat if I die first.

 

Of course, if I had married and had children, I could be a widow with kids living on the other side of the country who don't give a damn, or a kid who needed lifetime care themselves, so my situation isn't unique to being asexual. At least I knew I'd be alone early enough to make some plans.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Sure Rantsalot

I agree with what so many have said. I'm 69 and my last remaining aunt passed away a couple of weeks ago so in the grand scheme of things that moves me up to the "well, you're next in line" idea. I remember the Terry Schiavo case and that whole feeding tube fiasco mess. 

 

I retired a little over 2 years ago. I had big plans for my retirement. I saved up, invested in my employers 401K, I downsized from a 2 bedroom house with a basement to a 1 bedroom apartment. Paid my car off and thought I'd travel around visiting my family more who all live out of state. Then boom-one day I was on my way home when a man with a suspended license and no insurance sped through a red light and totaled my car. I am still suffering the damages caused by the air bags.. Spent time with leg braces, a lot of pain. All it took was less than five minutes to completely change my life. That didn't happen because I'm old, it happened because of the carelessness of someone else. That could also happen to anyone no matter what their age. a couple of minutes is all it takes to change or end a life so my advice would be to be prepared.

I don't know what other countries have but in the states I would suggest preparing a DPOA for healthcare with specific instructions. Mine says no resuscitation, no feeding tubes of any kind, no ventilators among a lot of other things. I've gone over these with my daughter and granddaughter. I think each state has forms for DPOA.

I think my biggest concern is I don't want to be a burden to anyone. That really troubles my mind. I strongly support aging in place with perhaps people to come in to prepare meals for the day, some housekeeping and shopping instead of going into a nursing home.The most difficult thing I've encountered is transportation to/from any medical procedures and people to stay with me the first night. This is even for routine outpatient stuff like colonoscopies etc. Everyone I know still works and in this economy I don't want to ask someone to take the day off to babysit me, especially if they may need their vacation time for themselves later on.

I do have my cemetery plot and headstone all in place and paid for.

My next biggest dilemma is am I ready to give up driving. I've been independent for so long but I live in a place with uber and taxis and public transportation. I don't really drive that much and the expense of owning a car doesn't seem as important as it did when I was having to go to work, pick up my daughter at school.  It's kind of hard to part with the car keys though. I guess I just need to take a big breath and do it.

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@Sure Rantsalot I really sympathise with you, what a really bad thing to happen. Have you lost your confidence in driving, or had the injuries made it difficult for you to drive?

 

I'm in my sixties too, and have along drive coming up to visit friends for Xmas and new year, but the weather forecast here is going to be snow, so I'm not too sure I want to drive it. Public transport is patchy at best.

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i've spent the last year and a half on Zoom with friends and people in oranizations I work with, and a few conversations with friends in the building I live in, and don't feel terribly cut off -- and I have a cat, so that helps.  Also, I was very important to my late partner, so I have that memory.  

 

I think what's important to remember is that being asexual really doesn't mean that you will be any more alone than most people are when they're old.  If you're partnered, one of you is going to die before the other one does, and family members older than you will also.  If you continue to be partnered at a very old age, you may likely have to take care of your partner, and that is not a great life -- I see friends doing that and I don't envy them.  

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Unfortunately there are no guarantees in the world. Having children, siblings and friends does not mean they will care for you. As a septuagenarian I have given up worrying about these things. All we have is the current moment, living in the "now". Although I understand full well there is no one to care for me (only kid, never had kids) I also realize focusing my energy and intention of the lack of support only creates more stress which contributes to ill health. All of my friends have long term health care plans which I can not afford; which is something our younger members can think about making financial plans for.  My main concern is outliving my wonderful dog (since I have concerns about his being able to adjust to a different lifestyle and he is my baby), therefore, my efforts focus on staying as healthy as possible and enjoying each new NOW (moment) as it arises.  To all of you who read this I wish good health and joy,

 

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On 12/3/2021 at 10:53 PM, Antique said:

Having children, siblings and friends does not mean they will care for you.

I understand this, and I've heard of it happening often enough, but not having them means you have a 100% chance of not having someone to check in on you and to help out.  Not having children, especially.  They are the ones most often poised, because of their relative youth, to help their parents in their old age.

 

Just doing the math, many more people with children are going to get the help they need in old age than people without children.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My neighbour lived independently to the age of 92 and died suddenly of a heart attack.  He called the ambulance but they weren't able to get to him on time.  He did have children but they never had to look after him. 

 

A great aunt was very close to her niece who I am sure would have cared for her, but the niece died first in a car accident.  In the end the great aunt died suddenly without needing care.

 

Life is a lottery.  I did have to arrange care for my parents when they were old.  

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My parents are both 85 and each still living in their own houses. My mom has more chronic health issues, but has a few people living at her house (some of whom are of more use than others) and various family members close enough to help out when needed. My dad is still doing things like going off traveling to various places, but also has various family members close enough to help when needed, too. Who knows what tomorrow may bring. Or a few more years. But I expect both will want to (or need to) remain in place as long as possible.

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Janus the Fox

I fear that the more I age... the more Dementia could take away my mind, for what it's slowly doing to my father and an uncle.  I... really don't like the observed loss of memory and paranoia that;s going on, only being 62.  My unkly, only 59 has early onset Alzheimer's with lewy bodies for the last of 5 years... there's only about another 5 year prognosis there at best, observing a mind regressing to a child... fascinating horror personally.

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  • 2 months later...

There really is no way to know how old age and death will manifest themselves. I used to think that this or that wouldnt happen to me but the last few years I have been caring for a friend whose mind and body are failing. It has cured me of my arrogance. I wandered off from this site with the hopes that if I did my very best for them it would be enough to help them get back on their feet. Nope. Maybe they felt less alone for a while. They cant remember now. I will be 68 soon. Ive come home to dig in the garden and read and whatever else I can do with whatever I have left. I hope I dont have a long time of serious dementia. All I know is that there is stuff coming up under the snow. There are seeds to plant. Also I know that the apostrophe on this keyboard is not working. I apologize for the typos.

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