What happens when you're elderly?

[ClaryFray1984]

I'm not loving the idea of being alone and old. But hey ho.

[KayleeK]

On 11/10/2020 at 8:17 AM, Asexy Librarian said:

I don’t worry any more than if I were married or in a relationship. Being aro, I’ve always been pretty good at cultivating a wide and diverse group of friends and acquaintances. 
 

I could never marry or have children with any kind of ulterior motive to use them as a “fall back”. 
 

As for worrying about whether someone will be around to check on you, that’s what Life Alert is for 😄

Hi Asexy Librarian, I was just wondering if you really are a librarian - I am too 😁

 

And yes you shouldnt have kids just because you want someone to look after you in old age. There's no guarantees in life. Your child might move away, or be horrible, or have health issues so they need the caring.... You might die younger and not even reach old age. I know thats morbid to think about but its true - you can't plan out your life with any certainty of what the future holds. 

[LucyT]

On 11/8/2020 at 2:52 PM, Purple Red Panda said:

Due to the history of dementia in my family I anticipate I'll be booking a one way ticket to Switzerland at some point in my 70s.

Absolutely!  I used to be a nurse and did a stint in geriatrics... I have no intention of getting beyond a certain point thank you very much.  It did helpfully prompt me to reflect on what 'life' means to me, what makes it worthwhile/valid etc and how to determine when I am reaching my end point of what I consider an enjoyable life.

 

During my 20 year marriage my biggest fear was not that there would be no one to look after me, but that I'd be stuck looking after him!  Absolutely no way my kids will look after me - they've told me - nor do I want them to.  

 

My loose plan - I'm 47 - is to have hopefully 20 years of so of fully independent living and then consider a step down into some sort of supported/retirement community - depending on what bits of me aren't working so well at that time i.e. brain or body or both.  Also will be writing a Living Will this year to specify under what circumstances I don't want heroic measures. 

 

 

[Gloomy]

Not really. My dad does have an aunt with pretty bad dementia but most of the other old people in my family including my grandparents are able to live very independently so with their genes I should be good.

 

Even if I did have a [3D non-fictional] spouse and kids, that’s no guarantee they won’t die before I do, screw me over in a divorce, take all my money, etc. and make things hard for me when I’m old.

[liznyc]

Yes, this terrifies me. I've been the support for my parents when they've been in the hospital and it weights on me that I don't have anyone that would be there for me god forbid I would be in that situation. Been looking for a boyfriend/husband/partner for the last few years but having no luck on any online sites or meet-ups.

[Guest]

Nothing here.

[coyote55]

I'm in my mid-60s with no partners or kids, so the question of who's going to care for me if I age poorly is definitely looming on the horizon. Right now I'm really well set up - I'm  home sharing with a cousin who's a few years older, and we have an agreement that we'll provide care for each other as needed. My older sister has my medical power of attorney if I'm incapacitated, so that's covered. 

 

Socially I'm far from alone! I see my relatives and long-term friends every week, and have occasional care of a 6 year old who's one of my life's greatest joys. People in our situation are uniquely suited for building great friendships, and I have several that have lasted for decades. 

[Myssterry]

.

[a little annihilation]

my perfect life is with a partner and I think that there truly is someone for everyone but I think that if I end up alone I will be able to find something sustainable to make me happy. I think I'm in the process of finding that thing right now

[Acing It]

On 11/8/2020 at 2:15 PM, Ortac said:

In the typical family situation, you will have adult children looking out for their elderly parents, or even adult grandchildren looking out for their elderly grandparents,

That's in no way assured, even if you have 20 children. My mother has a friend and both her children refuse contact with her for some reason (she's a really nice lady and her children have always been tearaways).

 

On 11/8/2020 at 2:32 PM, Anarchist Kaos said:

In my country there's no pension anymore, so it's a real concern,

That's really tough 😞

 

I'm in the same position as you @Ortac but maybe a bit further on in life, so you think about it even more. My worrying outcome is ending up in a home somwhere and not being able to do anything anymore because of the home's rules. I'm a very independent person so that's going to be especially tough. I don't think there is a lot of planning you can do for that other than earning a lot of money so you can afford in house care, but that's not an option for most of us and even then, you need to be lucky finding a caring person to care for you, because in a way, it's 'just' a business deal and a job for some.

It's not something I look forward to, old age, for that reason and I'm half hoping I will pop my clogs before I get that far. I'm not sure my quality of life if I get to that stage would make me very happy.

The only other alternative is to 'adopt' another family for instance by finding a partner with children, but if it's for that reason I feel that would be very manipulative and deeply unhealthy.

Not an easy one, but you're not alone feeling like this.

[Perin]

Heaven help  any care home I get put into. I’ll do my best to become an objectionable geriatric pita gammon. I’ll mess up meal  times. Be un-pc , be late everywhere, complain lots, mutter and grumble and generally be worthy of destruction. Which I hope will happen. 

[Acing It]

On 12/12/2020 at 9:20 PM, anzu2snow said:

I worry about my future even more now that I have stage 4 breast cancer. I most likely won’t live for a long time, and things can go downhill fast. I’m only 36, and it weighs heavily on my mind. Especially, with the possibility it might have spread to my brain. (Won’t know until after I get a brain MRI next week.) So far, I’m on my parent’s insurance plan, my parent helps me a lot, and I get help from palliative care through that insurance. If something were to happen to my parent, I don’t know what I’d do. My insurance might be cut off, too. I’d be up a creek without a paddle, so to speak. I might be able to get help through social security. I get confused between medicare and medicaid, but I’d probably be put on one. Might be able to get ssi, but they don’t pay much. I wouldn’t get the help my parent gives me, and I’d probably have to live in some sort of home or assisted living facility. There’s also the idea of what type of funeral I want, or do I want to donate my body to science, etc. Lots of things like this have been floating in my head since diagnosis back in April. It forces you to think about a lot of stuff like that. I don’t have anyone else to rely on. My parent might get me an Apple Watch that might help in emergencies. I’m already at risk for falls and broken bones. 

That's so tough for you. I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through 😞 It puts everything in perspective I think. I hope it turns out the best it can be and the best you're hoping for.

[Tanwen]

Originally when I sold my house, the plan was to buy a static caravan in Skegness and live there for as much of the year as the site rules allowed. Then COVID and lockdown hit, and I had time to think. Skegness is almost 3 hours from where I live (not far to some of you, but English roads are very congested to the coast) and although I'm reasonably mobile at the moment, there could come a time whe I need more help with things. I opted to stay in the town and bough a share of a house through the Shared Ownership scheme and I have the best of all worlds. I have my independence and my sons are 10 - 15 mins away if I need help with anything. It's a small semi detached house on a new build estate but I have lovely neighbours.

At 72, I have everything I have ever wanted - I'm HOPING I'll be able to enjoy it till I shuffle off this mortal coil

[Acing It]

5 minutes ago, Perin said:

Heaven help  any care home I get put into. I’ll do my best to become an objectionable geriatric pita gammon. I’ll mess up meal  times. Be un-pc , be late everywhere, complain lots, mutter and grumble and generally be worthy of destruction. Which I hope will happen. 

A cross between Victor Meldrew and Diana Trent. Hahah!

[Tanwen]

4 minutes ago, Acing It said:

A cross between Victor Meldrew and Diana Trent. Hahah!

I am the female version of Victor - never saw the other programme, perhaps it's one to be added to my binge list

 

[Acing It]

2 minutes ago, Tanwen said:

I am the female version of Victor - never saw the other programme, perhaps it's one to be added to my binge list

 

 

[Tanwen]

Definitely one for later - will search tonight  

[Perin]

43 minutes ago, Acing It said:

A cross between Victor Meldrew and Diana Trent. Hahah!

You got it totally 🤪

[Guest]

I'm maxing out my pension and tax-free savings with the aim to be able to pay for all the help I need in old age, though I hope my nephews will care for me enough to visit occasionally and make sure I'm not being taken advantage of if my mind starts to go. That said, I don't intend to get to that stage, I'd much rather take a one way trip to Switzerland when I start to feel my quality of life is going in the wrong direction. I have seen all of my grandparents degenerate physically and mentally, and basically spend several years just dying a long and miserable death before finally kicking the bucket, and I do not want to go through that. I'd stick my head in a plastic bag first. Having children and grandchildren caring for them didn't make their final years any less awful.

[AavaMeri]

I thought this a lot a few years ago when my Grandma passed away, leaving Grandpa a widower. Naturally, it was a massive shock to Grandpa, who had lived most of his life with Grandma. His physical and mental condition worsened quickly, and his dementia went down fast, likely accelerated by his mourning. He indeed was lucky to have two sons, their wives, and a handful of grandkids to help him to deal his practical issues and/or to visit him. He calmly passed away three years after Grandma, in a care home.

While I did look his helplessness with horror and reflected this on my likely kid-less future, I did spot one thing that is better with me than it is with Grandpa: my Grandpa wasn't a super social person, in fact Grandma was the one who mostly dealt with social interaction outside the household. When she died, Grandpa lost contact with all the other friends sans his descendants - in other words, he was socially massively dependent on Grandma. Me? Since I don't want a partner, I'm more likely to develop a varied social circle rather than to put all my eggs into one basket, even if I'm not massively social either. Hence, I'm less likely to have similar crash-down.

What also helps me is that I have great relationship with my brothers, and at least one of them is going to have kids. So, unless drastic things happen, perhaps there is someone to deal me into a carehome... but I suppose it's still best to be proactive myself and seek a care home early, or perhaps some kind of "old people being room mates in a normal home" home. I'm not entirely secure with all of this.

Dementia also runs in my family, and it makes me worried. I have not said this publicly, not even to my therapist, but I have (lightly) contenplated the idea of exiting this world in old age when I feel like my medical ailments prevent me from actually being myself. My great-grandmother (and, to lesser extend, Grandpa) went through this "is on bed in meds and is barely aware of what's going on" thing, and... I just wonder if that actually made anyone happy, great-grandma especially. I know that allowing euthanasia opens a new worm can of ethical questions, but I don't see it as a happy choice to just keep extending a super old person's life if they are already done. I wonder if the legislation will chance before I hit the old age. I hope it does.

[daveb]

8 hours ago, Tanwen said:

Victor Meldrew

He's almost the same age as my mom (about a week or so apart).

[Acing It]

1 hour ago, daveb said:

He's almost the same age as my mom (about a week or so apart).

Is he well know (the actor and victor meldrew) in the states as well then?

[daveb]

1 minute ago, Acing It said:

Is he well know (the actor and victor meldrew) in the states as well then?

Not to me. I had to look him up. But I did recognize his picture as someone who I must've seen on tv in passing.

[Acing It]

Just now, daveb said:

Not to me. I had to look him up. But I did recognize his picture as someone who I must've seen on tv in passing.

It's well worth looking up on youtube if you're into that sort of humour. It's very British and very funny if you get it. 🙂

[Acing It]

Here you go! (I don't believe it! hahah)

 

[daveb]

I looked him up on IMDB, and the main thing I remember him from was the Bill Murray movie "The Man Who Knew Too Little".

[Acing It]

1 minute ago, daveb said:

I looked him up on IMDB, and the main thing I remember him from was the Bill Murray movie "The Man Who Knew Too Little".

I don't know that. I'll look it up. The name is familiar and I think I've seen that in the past but can't remember. I won't post it on here, promise. It's not my intention to turn Aven into a TV channel 🤣

[Ceebs]

9 hours ago, Acing It said:

Victor Meldrew

Oh damn, One Foot In The Grave! I loved that show as a kid. Which is a weird show to love as a kid lol, but.

[Ceebs]

Oh and Waiting For God too. I can still hear the themes to both of them in my head even though I've not seen either in years.

 

I was a curmudgeonly child lol.

[Ceebs]

Anyone know Mulberry? That sitcom was an oddly uplifting take on ageing, actually. I loved the friendship between Mulberry and Miss Farnaby.