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MissMoon

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years now and about 3 years ago I’ve realized I’m ace. I never really “came out” to him per say but when he started bringing up our sex life and how I “don’t put out” enough we had a conversation. I mentioned to him how I just don’t have that desire. I never have. I feel awkward and can’t initiate anything and it constantly made him upset.  We separated twice since then. Once because he said he didn’t think he loved me anymore and just recently last year because he cheated and “couldn’t have it”. 

He constantly tries to tell me he understands, that he doesn’t blame me but it’s nearly impossible to believe that. He thinks this is something I can just overcome if I just try hard enough lmao. It’s at the point where I can’t kiss him without him automatically trying to jump straight into sex and that just makes me want to avoid it even more. And I believe me; Ive said that to him, expressed how I felt and all he says is that “well if we had sex more, I wouldn’t be so horny all the time” 

 

 Part of me believes maybe separating for good is the best option. I cant give him what he so desperately “needs” and an open relationship won’t work for me. But we have a 7 year old together, I’m 8 hours away from any family since he’s in the military and I’m not stable enough to be on my own. It scares me to death. I want to be with him, I can’t picture my life without him, but it seems to him that sex is just more important and it hurts. 

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AnotherAnon

I don’t have any advice but I’m so sorry you’re in this difficult situation. ❤️ 

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løvely

I'm sorry this sounds very painful

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Omelette

I am really sorry that you are financially dependent on an asshole.

 

Because it's not your fault. No matter how much sex you and your husband didn't have together. Like, it could be a sex void large enough to extinguish the human race. I don't care. Did it give him the right to be disappointed? Yes, people are allowed to have their feelings. He could have dealt with those feelings in a respectful and mature manner. Cheating is not one of them.

 

Why are his needs more important than yours? (hint: they aren't)

 

"The fallacy you’re falling for is the Unmet Needs Cause Cheaters to Cheat. No, lousy character causes cheaters to cheat. Your inability to have sex does not effect his ability to lead a double life. That’s on him." [from https://www.chumplady.com/2016/09/dear-chump-lady-neglected-fault/ . The original story focuses on a woman who wasn't asexual, so the possible options would not have been the same for you, but perhaps some of it will resonate]

 

Take care. Be kind to yourself. It is not your fault.

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Alex.M

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been in a very similar situation, and it is so, so painful. Fortunately in my case, we weren't married yet.

 

Just like your husband, my partner at the time acted the same way. He would see any bit of affection (a look, a kiss, a hug or even just walking by in a, to him, "provocative way") as an invitation to have sex. And whenever I would say no, he would go all out martyr and guilty-trip me and give me the silent treatment. So I stopped displaying affection in any kind of physical way and stuck to words, since it was the only way I could do it safely.

 

In the end he had enough and convinced me that something was wrong with me and that we had to seek professional help, which we did. That was the first step into a years-long depression. If I could go back and tell myself one thing, it would be that there's nothing wrong with me. The only thing that was wrong was me and my ex as a match and the way he treated and pushed me.

 

My advice, as someone who made the wrong choice: don't go down that path. Don't try so hard to change yourself to be what your partner wants/needs by sacrificing yourself. Just as much as he wants sex you do not. His need does not take priority.

 

I was afraid to let go and get out of my own relationship, because like you, I loved him and I couldn't picture my life without him. I was afraid I'd be alone for the rest of my life if I couldn't make things work with him, because who else would ever accept me the way I was? But I got out of the relationship. And then I got out of my depression. Now, years later I'm in a healthy relationship for several years with a demi-sexual person who respects my boundaries and would never push them.

 

There is something better, even if that means being on your own, but being happy and healthy and true to yourself. 💜

 

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beankat

I’m so sorry that you are in this difficult situation. There isn’t much advice that hasn’t been said already, I only want to echo that it sounds as if you’ve been compromising significantly for a long time, and he has yet to even attempt to sacrifice humbly and in service to you simply because he loves you. Whatever you choose to do or move forward, I hope you find peace and happiness 🤍💜🖤

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MissMoon
On 6/1/2021 at 1:48 AM, Omelette said:

I am really sorry that you are financially dependent on an asshole.

 

Because it's not your fault. No matter how much sex you and your husband didn't have together. Like, it could be a sex void large enough to extinguish the human race. I don't care. Did it give him the right to be disappointed? Yes, people are allowed to have their feelings. He could have dealt with those feelings in a respectful and mature manner. Cheating is not one of them.

 

Why are his needs more important than yours? (hint: they aren't)

 

"The fallacy you’re falling for is the Unmet Needs Cause Cheaters to Cheat. No, lousy character causes cheaters to cheat. Your inability to have sex does not effect his ability to lead a double life. That’s on him." [from https://www.chumplady.com/2016/09/dear-chump-lady-neglected-fault/ . The original story focuses on a woman who wasn't asexual, so the possible options would not have been the same for you, but perhaps some of it will resonate]

 

Take care. Be kind to yourself. It is not your fault.

Thank you. It’s hard not to blame myself in this situation but easier said then done ya know? I’m hoping I can gain the strength to put my needs first for once 

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MissMoon
On 6/1/2021 at 2:41 AM, Alex.M said:

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been in a very similar situation, and it is so, so painful. Fortunately in my case, we weren't married yet.

 

Just like your husband, my partner at the time acted the same way. He would see any bit of affection (a look, a kiss, a hug or even just walking by in a, to him, "provocative way") as an invitation to have sex. And whenever I would say no, he would go all out martyr and guilty-trip me and give me the silent treatment. So I stopped displaying affection in any kind of physical way and stuck to words, since it was the only way I could do it safely.

 

In the end he had enough and convinced me that something was wrong with me and that we had to seek professional help, which we did. That was the first step into a years-long depression. If I could go back and tell myself one thing, it would be that there's nothing wrong with me. The only thing that was wrong was me and my ex as a match and the way he treated and pushed me.

 

My advice, as someone who made the wrong choice: don't go down that path. Don't try so hard to change yourself to be what your partner wants/needs by sacrificing yourself. Just as much as he wants sex you do not. His need does not take priority.

 

I was afraid to let go and get out of my own relationship, because like you, I loved him and I couldn't picture my life without him. I was afraid I'd be alone for the rest of my life if I couldn't make things work with him, because who else would ever accept me the way I was? But I got out of the relationship. And then I got out of my depression. Now, years later I'm in a healthy relationship for several years with a demi-sexual person who respects my boundaries and would never push them.

 

There is something better, even if that means being on your own, but being happy and healthy and true to yourself. 💜

 

Thank you 💜

God it truly is terrifying thinking about being on my own. It hurts to imagine him with someone else that’s not me and I don’t know how I would handle it. We talked last year about maybe an open relationship (which i was honest and said I couldn’t do it) he admitted that he wouldn’t be upset if I found someone else and I think that’s what hurt me the most. My biggest fear was losing him and it didn’t seem to bother him at all. 

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Windy Miller

I’ve been in the same position, except that in our marriage the roles were reversed. I’m the guy who doesn’t have any appetite for sex, and I was fairly up front and open about this early on. Before we were married and early into the marriage that wasn’t an issue for my wife either, but as time progressed, it became an issue, which grew and grew.

 

I tried to give my partner what she wanted, but that just ramped up the pressure on me, and made what little sex we had more stressful and further away from enjoyable. It didn’t work, as what she needed was not just sex from me, but she needed me to *want* it. That ultimately is beyond my capability, and I’m not a good enough actor to fake it.

 

We are now separated, with divorce yet to come. It was painful. I have now come to the conclusion that it was the right outcome. I am happier and less stressed than trying to pretend to be something I am not. It’s scary going it alone, but I am in control of my own destiny. I can choose my next path, I can choose whether to be single or seek a like-minded partner. We were together for 20 years and I am proud of what we achieved together and have many happy memories. But we can’t live in the past, we have to build our own futures, and in our case, that is apart.

 

You can take control and create your own destiny, be brave, be bold, be yourself.

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nanogretchen4

I am sorry that you are in such a difficult financial and logistical situation, but dragging out a terrible marriage is not a long-term solution, especially since you've already separated twice. You urgently need to put a plan in motion that will allow you to live independent of your soon to be ex. Figure out where you will live and which friends and family members will be your social support network. If your nearest family is eight hours away, maybe you should move close to them.

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Basi.biroace
On 5/31/2021 at 9:13 PM, MissMoon said:

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years now and about 3 years ago I’ve realized I’m ace. I never really “came out” to him per say but when he started bringing up our sex life and how I “don’t put out” enough we had a conversation. I mentioned to him how I just don’t have that desire. I never have. I feel awkward and can’t initiate anything and it constantly made him upset.  We separated twice since then. Once because he said he didn’t think he loved me anymore and just recently last year because he cheated and “couldn’t have it”. 

He constantly tries to tell me he understands, that he doesn’t blame me but it’s nearly impossible to believe that. He thinks this is something I can just overcome if I just try hard enough lmao. It’s at the point where I can’t kiss him without him automatically trying to jump straight into sex and that just makes me want to avoid it even more. And I believe me; Ive said that to him, expressed how I felt and all he says is that “well if we had sex more, I wouldn’t be so horny all the time” 

 

 Part of me believes maybe separating for good is the best option. I cant give him what he so desperately “needs” and an open relationship won’t work for me. But we have a 7 year old together, I’m 8 hours away from any family since he’s in the military and I’m not stable enough to be on my own. It scares me to death. I want to be with him, I can’t picture my life without him, but it seems to him that sex is just more important and it hurts. 

I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I actually just went through this exact same situation but on a much shorter time line.  I realized that I'm Ace about 2-4 months ago? Maybe a little longer than that. Because of my relationship, and knowing how important sex was to my ex, I tried to  claim Demi for a while (He then googled Demi, and decided I didn't love him anymore because he didn't feel I was sexual enough.) Finally about 2 months ago, I came our fully as Ace. He had mentioned similar things about increased porn intake because he didn't want to "force anything" on me, and he was assigning insecurities to me I didn't have. I'm sex indifferent so I didn't care if he wanted to have sex, I wasn't repulsed by it and I almost never said no. 

We broke up about 2 weeks ago because, much the same, he would tell me over and over he understood, but he didn't TREAT me like he understood -- because really he didn't, he just wanted to believe that he did. Finally, in a fight, I told him I couldn't handle being the reason he wasn't happy anymore, all because of sex, and if our relationship didn't mean anything to him otherwise, maybe we should end it. He took that as permission to tell me he'd never actually be happy with me, and he wanted to break up. 

At first, I was devastated. I was hurt. I was shocked, I was angry. I felt less than. I felt like trash that he threw away for hypothetical sex with someone else. Him breaking up with me meant I lost my place to live. I am currently living on my mother's couch, but. In 2 weeks, I have fixed my financial situation all on my own, I have gotten a really great job offer, and I should be able to move into a place very soon. I drug my feet on stating my feelings and upsetting him because I really didn't know what I would do if he decided to break up with me. 

 

My live got better. After 3 days of pure anger and pain, it was like a wave of euphoria. I didn't have to bargain my personality to make him happy. I didn't have to sensor myself. I didn't have to feel responsible for his misery.  Really, it's his problem if my thoughts about sex, not a lack of sex, was enough to ditch our relationship. I now realize that even if it was scary at first, I am much, much better off and I should have done it a while ago. 

 

He resented my sexuality, he resented what that meant *to him* and he didn't ever really consider me at all in any of it. I had compromised as far as I could compromise, and it still wasn't enough. It was all completely about him and his wants, which wasn't fair to me. 

 

It sounds really similar to your situation. 

 

On 6/8/2021 at 2:29 PM, MissMoon said:

Thank you. It’s hard not to blame myself in this situation but easier said then done ya know? I’m hoping I can gain the strength to put my needs first for once 

You'll he happier once you can put your own needs first. You're you, you didn't chose your asexuality. I'm willing to bet, let me, you confused romantic attraction for sexual attraction, and it was just a requirement of having a relationship, not something you really enjoyed or sought. It's not your fault that *he* can't compromise. 

 

On 6/8/2021 at 2:36 PM, MissMoon said:

Thank you 💜

God it truly is terrifying thinking about being on my own. It hurts to imagine him with someone else that’s not me and I don’t know how I would handle it. We talked last year about maybe an open relationship (which i was honest and said I couldn’t do it) he admitted that he wouldn’t be upset if I found someone else and I think that’s what hurt me the most. My biggest fear was losing him and it didn’t seem to bother him at all. 

I wasn't okay with an open relationship either, even though he was. It's also really easy to feel like you don't matter to him. If you do leave, he might be sorry later. I know it absolutely does hurt, it aches, it feels like betrayal. It feels like every time they told you that you matter, you really don't. Allos are weird to me now, that their entire life can be driven by sex, apparently. Give yourself the permission to be you, and love yourself. Be proud of who you are, accept your not broken. If he can't accept it, you need to think about yourself and stop giving him more than you have to give. 

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Basi.biroace
On 6/9/2021 at 12:04 AM, Windy Miller said:

I tried to give my partner what she wanted, but that just ramped up the pressure on me, and made what little sex we had more stressful and further away from enjoyable. It didn’t work, as what she needed was not just sex from me, but she needed me to *want* it. That ultimately is beyond my capability, and I’m not a good enough actor to fake it.

100% this. You simply can't change your thoughts, and them expecting you to do that is the one thing that simply cannot be compromised. 

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I am sorry to read about your situation. It is all too common. I relate to the avoidance of any affection because it's seen as foreplay. I can't understand allosexual ways of thinking because I've never had needs and desires that had to be met. Someone once told me to pity them as they are controlled by sex hormones and will never experience the real love that has nothing to do with sex. I've never met a man yet who could do without it. This saddened me no end because it felt like there was no choice.

 

I've been there and I've felt guilty, and I've tried to see things from their perspective and as the saying goes, laid back and thought of England. In the end, the happiest feeling I had was the day I decided never again. Being alone is terrifying, especially with young children. I'd love to find a man who just wanted to be with me because he loved me. I can not see love in an act that is expected and demanded to fulfill one person's hormonally charged needs. 

I'd be interested to know how many men in marriages adapt to a happy sex free marriage when their wives come out as asexual. Surely a marriage is first and foremost a friendship that is meant to survive anything. 

I think you already know what you have to do and have started to see things in a new light. You are strong and your choices are valid. 

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On 6/8/2021 at 5:36 PM, MissMoon said:

Thank you 💜

God it truly is terrifying thinking about being on my own. It hurts to imagine him with someone else that’s not me and I don’t know how I would handle it. We talked last year about maybe an open relationship (which i was honest and said I couldn’t do it) he admitted that he wouldn’t be upset if I found someone else and I think that’s what hurt me the most. My biggest fear was losing him and it didn’t seem to bother him at all. 

It sounds like he's already checked out, honestly. Cheating and two separations. Your marriage is probably pretty much over, now just a thing you're holding onto for logical reasons. 

 

Sex is how many sexuals stay in love with their partner. It completes the bond and keeps it strong. Without it, they often feel platonic and lose romantic feelings. And, he probably thinks it's just something between you making you not want him if he doesn't understand asexuality. 

 

There is nothing wrong with not wanting sex. And how he's treated you is wrong, imo. But, often mixed relationships fail due to the incompatibility. Sex is vital to most sexuals. 

 

I left a bad marriage before and found a way to be on my own. It's scary but I can happen. And it made me much happier in the end. Don't stay from fear if you're not happy together. 

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1 minute ago, Serran said:

It sounds like he's already checked out, honestly. Cheating and two separations. Your marriage is probably pretty much over, now just a thing you're holding onto for logical reasons. 

 

Sex is how many sexuals stay in love with their partner. It completes the bond and keeps it strong. Without it, they often feel platonic and lose romantic feelings. And, he probably thinks it's just something between you making you not want him if he doesn't understand asexuality. 

 

There is nothing wrong with not wanting sex. And how he's treated you is wrong, imo. But, often mixed relationships fail due to the incompatibility. Sex is vital to most sexuals. 

I admit that I am holding on. It’s hard to completely end things when he’s been my life for 10 years, I’ve never been on my own. I think I’m just being to hopeful that things will change 😕 

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5 hours ago, Kat72 said:

I am sorry to read about your situation. It is all too common. I relate to the avoidance of any affection because it's seen as foreplay. I can't understand allosexual ways of thinking because I've never had needs and desires that had to be met. Someone once told me to pity them as they are controlled by sex hormones and will never experience the real love that has nothing to do with sex. I've never met a man yet who could do without it. This saddened me no end because it felt like there was no choice.

 

I've been there and I've felt guilty, and I've tried to see things from their perspective and as the saying goes, laid back and thought of England. In the end, the happiest feeling I had was the day I decided never again. Being alone is terrifying, especially with young children. I'd love to find a man who just wanted to be with me because he loved me. I can not see love in an act that is expected and demanded to fulfill one person's hormonally charged needs. 

I'd be interested to know how many men in marriages adapt to a happy sex free marriage when their wives come out as asexual. Surely a marriage is first and foremost a friendship that is meant to survive anything. 

I think you already know what you have to do and have started to see things in a new light. You are strong and your choices are valid. 

The avoidance of affection is a big one for me. A few couple kisses to him means I’m down to have sex and then when I say no he tries to guilt trip me by saying he wouldn’t be that way if we just had sex more. That it’ll be out of his system. No matter how many times I tell him I don’t know what it’s like to “want” sex he just tells me I should try for him. That’ll make him happy. 
 

I am proud of myself though, I stopped giving in to him. I’ve put my foot down and stopped apologizing when he has a little hissy fit when I don’t let things progress. 
 

being on this forum has helped me a lot and see things in a new way. It’s giving me the strength to have a real conversation with him when he returns home. 

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2 minutes ago, MissMoon said:

I admit that I am holding on. It’s hard to completely end things when he’s been my life for 10 years, I’ve never been on my own. I think I’m just being to hopeful that things will change 😕 

I'm going to be blunt... things will likely only change if you either suddenly feel sexual desire (unlikely, even if you weren't ace, the issues you have together would kill a lot of people's desires) or you let him have sex with others. And, frankly, if he is unwilling to hear your side and cheating... is there a healthy, happy relationship on the other side where you talk, respect each other and can be happy together? Can you see that happening in any scenario? 

 

The options for mixed couples are 

 

1) compromise - usually means sex somehow 

 

2) open

 

3) split 

 

4) celibacy- rare 

 

4 and 2 are off the table, leaving 1 and 3. Can there be a compromise that makes you both happy?

 

I was married 10 years. When I left, I had no job, no money and was 18 hours from family. I scrounged and made it to family, driving 18 hours in a beater car with little driving experience, found a job and built a new life. It's scary but it can be OK. I now am a college grad starting a new career and have a wonderful wife who I am quite happy with and much more compatible with. It's hard and a kid makes it even harder but you *can do it* if you need to. 

Just now, MissMoon said:

The avoidance of affection is a big one for me. A few couple kisses to him means I’m down to have sex and then when I say no he tries to guilt trip me by saying he wouldn’t be that way if we just had sex more. That it’ll be out of his system. No matter how many times I tell him I don’t know what it’s like to “want” sex he just tells me I should try for him. That’ll make him happy. 
 

I am proud of myself though, I stopped giving in to him. I’ve put my foot down and stopped apologizing when he has a little hissy fit when I don’t let things progress. 
 

being on this forum has helped me a lot and see things in a new way. It’s giving me the strength to have a real conversation with him when he returns home. 

Honestly, that sort of behavior is why my ex had me believing I was ace. I had zero desire or libido with him. Not for him, not for others. My wife has patience and never pressures me at all. And the complete lack of pressure opened me up to actually feeling desire for the first time in my life. I went from touch starved cause I couldn't even hug my ex to we can snuggle naked all night and I'm still not pushed for sex if I am not interested .... the difference was worth all the hassle of leaving my ex. I never want to experience a kiss being a reason to pressure someone for something ever again. 

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