To Heal or Not to Heal

[ghosts]

Chiaroscuro, maybe it should be more about getting past any hurt from past trauma in general, rather than focusing on what her sexuality would be like if she started to heal? I think that would be the most important goal (and I'm definitely not saying that you wouldn't agree)- if this is affecting other aspects of her life as well, I think it's important to try to get past it.

Hope that makes sense. :| I don't know enough about her, really...

[Chiaroscuro]

Chiaroscuro, maybe it should be more about getting past any hurt from past trauma in general, rather than focusing on what her sexuality would be like if she started to heal? I think that would be the most important goal (and I'm definitely not saying that you wouldn't agree)- if this is affecting other aspects of her life as well, I think it's important to try to get past it.

Hope that makes sense. :| I don't know enough about her, really...

You make good sense, Ghosts. The reason sex is the focus of this for us is that everything else is negotiable. I'm used to being the "steady" one in the family. I have no problem making all sorts of accomodations to give Sunset room and support and time to do the work she needs to do. The sexual issue is the one thing that I'm totally dependent on her for, and it's the one thing she can't compromise on. Sex is the elephant in the livingroom. It's the only aspect of her struggle that's even close to being a deal-breaker for us.

Sadly, if sex weren't such a volitile issue in a marriage, it wouldn't have to be a deal-breaker either. For example, Sunset hates opera and I'm an opera nut. So I go to the opera with a friend of mine. I'm a little sad that I can't share it with her, but if she isn't into it, then I'm not going to drag her along. It's a solution that satisfies both of us. Sex doesn't work that way (except for special people like you, Ms. Ghosts). Whether it's cultural conditioning or animal instincts or what, going outside of marriage seems to be a huge threat, even if the reason for doing it appears to be entirely rational.

-Chiaroscuro

[LostPenguin]

My initial reaction upon reading the first post was to say 'Yes, one should try to heal in a situation like that'- and then my brain got flooded with other thoughts.

I can't claim to have problems or reactions or anything as bad as those who have had bad sexual or abuse experiences that have resulted in them being hypersensitive and uncomfortable (etc) when it comes to sex and physical touch or intimacy, but as of late I've been trying to work out some of my issues (the vast majority of which are not sexually-related) and it's been a struggle. A constant, bloody struggle. For example. I have OCD. It nags at me all the time, check this, look at that, read this again, go back, and never stops. I do not have incredibly severe OCD- I'm still at that stage where if I absolutely want to, I can force myself to not do those things. Sure, sometimes that means I can't sleep for hours or I have to logically convince myself that I don't need to do those things, but, that's where I stand. But it's utterly exhausting. Checking something over and over is tiring, but fighting against that urge on a daily basis is far worse. Closer to the topic, I have a tendency to shut down emotionally/dislike physical closeness when I've been deeply hurt (including old, buried, subconscious stuff). I've been fighting for a couple years now to overcome that, to be more open, to trust people more even when they have done something like that (providing they don't show any signs of doing it again) but it's so damn hard. There are times where even a couple years into focusing all my willpower into not behaving that way, I just give up- whether for a day, a week, a month, I just can't help it. Shutting down is so easy. It's so relaxing, it's comforting, it's familiar. Being open is such a constant state of vulnerability and anxiety. It helps to deal with the things that caused those problems, but it seems to me that even that is only the beginning and that beyond that it requires massive amounts of willpower and want to get over at all, let alone entirely.

I don't have any answers... I can just understand why it'd be easier, especially with far worse occurrences than the things that have caused my psychological problems to just not try, or that trying could have little to no success.

[Chiaroscuro]

I've been fighting for a couple years now to overcome that, to be more open, to trust people more even when they have done something like that (providing they don't show any signs of doing it again) but it's so damn hard. There are times where even a couple years into focusing all my willpower into not behaving that way, I just give up- whether for a day, a week, a month, I just can't help it. Shutting down is so easy. It's so relaxing, it's comforting, it's familiar. Being open is such a constant state of vulnerability and anxiety. It helps to deal with the things that caused those problems, but it seems to me that even that is only the beginning and that beyond that it requires massive amounts of willpower and want to get over at all, let alone entirely.

Hi Lostpenguin, this really resonates with me. My wife is OCD, and my son's showing some signs of it as well. I really do sympathize, and understand. I struggle with compulsive behavior too (not OCD-level by any means). I've found that willpower really is never the answer. Our society loves the idea of the "strong willed" person "pulling themselves up by their bootstraps". It's easy to judge people who are struggling by saying they're just not trying hard enough. It's easy for us to judge OURSELVES by feeling if we just would try harder, we could make everything alright. It doesn't work that way. After 43 years, trust me, willpower alone isn't the answer.

And you're right, I know Sunset's wounds make mine pale by comparison. But it also makes her life so much more difficult than mine (and I find mine hard enough... ). It IS easier to just lay back and stop fighting... to let old, ingrained patterns of behavior guide us. But at some point, perhaps by slow, gentle steps, maybe other avenues can open up. Maybe things that were impossible to force open, will give way as if by magic.

Hard to know. But I do know that giving up entirely just delays things. For me, I eventally sense my world spinning out of control, begin to hate my weakness and cowardice, and exert willpower to regain control. Which is hard and painful, and so I give up again and the cycle repeats itself. There has to be a way forward that doesn't involve giving up on yourself or beating yourself into submission...

-Chiaroscuro

[notsure123]

Just a note from a S. Fear is one way of looking at this, but in my husbands case it does not seem to be fear it is more power. Yo see I can answer any questions that are asked. Can he have sex? Yes; Does he need performance enhancing drugs to perform? No; Is he sexualy attracted to me? No; Does he ever just get arroused? No;

Is he a intimate person not counting sex? No:

You see we have dicussed (not to his willingness) all of these issues. He told me at one time this is the way I am if you don't like it you know where the door is. He has also exlpained that the reason we do not make love is my fault, I come on to strong, I don't ask right.......He always seems to bring me down and in return he feels more like a man.

Discussion and comprimise are the answers it seems from every AS I have read about. If you can't open up to your partner sexually more than likely they can't open up to you emotionally.

Not Sure

[Chiaroscuro]

He told me at one time this is the way I am if you don't like it you know where the door is. He has also exlpained that the reason we do not make love is my fault, I come on to strong, I don't ask right.......He always seems to bring me down and in return he feels more like a man.

Notsure, this is also what my wife has told me over the years. "I would be more attracted to you if you didn't look at pornography, that gets in the way", or "If you weren't so clingy, I could feel closer to you". In her case all of that may or may not have been true, but it was beside the point. If everything had been exactly how she'd wanted it, she would have had problems sexually. Because it wasn't about me, and clearly, in your case, it isn't about you. It really does seem like a power struggle. That's how I saw it with my wife. But the root of it isn't about that.

Discussion and comprimise are the answers it seems from every AS I have read about. If you can't open up to your partner sexually more than likely they can't open up to you emotionally.

That's true in my wife's case too, and it's also a result of the childhood abuse. It's not just about sex, it's about intimacy in general. Maybe your husband was abused, I don't know. He could have been and not remember. Therapy is probably a good idea, for you and for him if he's willing and you guys can afford it. Therapy for me has been a wonderful gift, even though I'm the sexual partner.

-Chiaroscuro