How do I know if my husband is asexual

[Teri M]

I’m so glad I found this forum.   I’m looking for some advice and hopefully getting some peace of mind.  My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have had sex maybe 10 times.  I keep asking him why he won’t be intimate with me.  He always has an excuse.  He says I’m not attracted to you, you are a little over weight, you complain too much the list goes on and on.  There’s always an excuse. However  he tells me he loves me and gives lots of hugs and kisses me when he leaves and when he comes back. We are best friends out side of the bedroom.  It’s almost like when it comes to bedroom time I repulse him.  I’ve even went so far to ask him if he was gay or bisexual.  He assures me he is straight.  I just don’t know where to go from here.
 

Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated 
 

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi Teri. Welcome to the site 🧁

Those excuses sound pretty mean. It would be good if he could be true about how he feels. If he has a sex drive, then it could be that he's on the asexual spectrum. (if he never cares for sex)

A lot of people don't even know about asexuality, so it's possible he hasn't really thought about it and covers up or denies that he's different when it comes to sexuality. Hopefully he'd be willing to look into it at some point so you both can understand more what's going on.

What about you? How are you? with all this.

[Teri M]

I’ve been hurting for a long time.  I’m seeing a mental health counselor and he is the one that suggested my husband might be asexual.  So I decided to do some research.  My husband and I have lots of long talks about this. I love him and am willing to work with him.  I always tell him I want to be loved the way a man loves a wife.  He always tells me there are many different ways to show love other than sex.     I guess I’m just looking for validity that it isn’t me.  That I’m not the reason why he won’t have sex.  
 

So to throw a monkey wrench in, last Feb 2020, he got really intoxicated and had sex with a co worker in the back of his car.   So yes, he does have a sex drive and I find his balled up Kleenex sometimes.  

[Sarah-Sylvia]

2 minutes ago, Teri M said:

I’ve been hurting for a long time.  I’m seeing a mental health counselor and he is the one that suggested my husband might be asexual.  So I decided to do some research.  My husband and I have lots of long talks about this. I love him and am willing to work with him.  I always tell him I want to be loved the way a man loves a wife.  He always tells me there are many different ways to show love other than sex.     I guess I’m just looking for validity that it isn’t me.  That I’m not the reason why he won’t have sex.  
 

So to throw a monkey wrench in, last Feb 2020, he got really intoxicated and had sex with a co worker in the back of his car.   So yes, he does have a sex drive and I find his balled up Kleenex sometimes.  

I'm really sorry to hear that. So I'm guessing that means he also pleasures himself? Because asexuals who have a libido can still want to do that even if they don't care for sex. Someone could also be on the asexual spectrum or be ok with sex once in a while even if they don't innately have a desire for it.  But the thing is, someone who's sexual (not just has a libido) would want sex as well, not just to relieve themselves, so in other words it does fit asexuality, besides the drunk stuff which I'm not sure what to say.

What he said about that there's many ways to love other than sex is true, and is something someone asexual would definitely think and feel 100%. I'm on the asexual spectrum and for me sex can even feel like it ruins the intimate moment I could like to have with my partner. I'm sensual so I enjoy feeling close, cuddling and more. Not everyone is that sensual, but it can be important for mixed relationships to find ways to be intimate even if it doesn't involve sex. It's a kind of meeting half-way you could say.

Someone asexual doesn't look at someone in terms of being sexy or not, in general, and it doesn't mean anything about you, because if he wants to be with you and has feelings for you then that means  a lot. For me it would be everything, because someone liking me matters while them finding me attractive for sex doesn't. Just to share a bit from my feelings with that.

As far as what sex means to you, that's something else that can be complex to think and talk about, because if your partner doesn't feel the same then that's something left on the table for you.

 

[Teri M]

Thank you for all of your advice.  I know what I need to do now.  I’m sitting down with him tonight and talking to hi pm about this.  I’ll have him do some of his own research as well.  
 

I can live with out the sex, I just need to know he does love me

[uhtred]

I would not get hung up on labels. You have been married for 7 years so you have a good idea about how he behaves, it not exactly why.  So I think you should consider whether you can have a happy life continuing as you are.  Only you can know what matters to you.   Just be honest with *yourself* about it - don't worry about how you *should* feel about things, consider how you actually feel.

 

Its unlikely he will change after this much time, so don't base your thinking on that.

 

That said, I would consider someone who wants sex only once a year with the person they love, and who doesn't have major medical issues to be asexual. Most people who consider themselves sexual desire sex much more often than that.

 

 

[Guest]

He insults you as to why he doesn't want sex and gets drunk and has sex in a car with someone else and won't have it with you, despite you wanting it? Uhm... what? He isn't saying he doesn't find anyone attractive (asexual) - he is saying he doesn't find YOU attractive because (long list of unattractive qualities to him). 

 

Unless you guys have an open relationship where its OK he doesn't find you physically attractive and does others, I don't understand why you're staying and seeking asexuality as a solution? 

 

.... I'd have been out the door so fast he would see a cloud of dust, personally. That's just cruel and unusual treatment. You're too fat and too naggy to want to shag, so he's going to go shag someone else instead and claim he shows you love in other ways. What other ways? Kind words? Faithful behavior? Being considerate of your feelings?

[Traveler40]

I somehow missed the unfaithful episode in the car. OP try to read what @serran says a few times; That sums it up. 
 

I have a few basic guides, but at the top of my list is this:

 

“If it doesn’t make sense, there’s a lie in there somewhere.”