Asexual or sexually repressed

[makomermaid]

I am 20 years old and never had sex. I have never really been interested in dating or boys and often wondered if I was gay, but being with girls in that way is not appealing. Lately I have been thinking I might be asexual. However, I am not sure if it is lack of those feelings or me pushing them down. My family isn't religious or anti-sex, but it isn't something we talk about, and I always get really uncomfortable  around that. I have never tried anything (like masturbation or something like that), because it grosses me out. I feel like now that I have started to think I am asexual I keep having intrusive thoughts around sex, that really gross me out/ disgust me and also make me question whether I am ace or just making it up. What if I am just afraid of intimacy or too self conscious and it isn't actually asexuality?  Most everything asexual people talk about I relate to  (never having a celebrity crush, bored/disgusted by sex scenes in movies, thinking about sex in a medical sort of way, etc), but I still wonder if I am sexually repressed because I don't want libido/ try to avoid thinking about sex. I have been somewhat depressed lately, and I can't help thinking what if it is because I won't let myself think about sex? But whenever I do think about sex it isn't a pleasant thought. Being asexual would be a relief I think, because I wouldn't be expected to have sex with a partner. 

[verily-forsooth-egads]

Sex repulsion is extremely common among aces (I want to say something like half of us?). There's nothing wrong or unnatural about finding sex gross to think about. I don't want to imagine it, I don't want to think about genitals, I sure as hell wouldn't do it under any circumstances. Some people really like to push the idea that sex is normal and natural and not gross at all, but we can't help the way we feel about it.

 

Some people do have both repulsion and libido, which can be a struggle if it's bad enough. That doesn't make them any less ace though.

[AavaMeri]

Hi, welcome to the site!

I had similar thoughts in your age (I'm 30), and it was only recently when I started to settle down the thought that I'm asexual (because hey, I'm 30, no interest popped up, no way I'm a late boomer anymore). I did have some very sex-negative thoughts in your age, and while I kinda mellowed out with them (not going into specifics), I still came to the conclusion that I don't want sex (and I'm still virgin!) and that I don't find any person sexually attractive. I think the last point helped me nail that down most; when I started to realize that there are several types of attraction and I didn't really experience the "wow I wish I had sex with that person" type of attraction, I settled down with the "asexual" label more easily. It took me longer to figure the romantic attraction part longer.

On the other hand, if you aren't sure, it is perfectly fine to be questioning and not to pick a label yet. Even if you were allosexual, you don't have to have sex unless you want. If someone says you should have sex, they are wrong, no matter if you are asexual or allosexual. Respect yourself and your own wishes and boundaries. I do get it that having a clear label "asexual" makes it easier to set the boundary. It did to me, it felt much easier to draw the "I'm the ace and grey-aro" card when I wanted to reaffirm my limits.

Also remember that even if you were asexual, your romantic orientation may be aromantic or alloromantic. So if you feel romantic attraction to someone and want to date, you may still be asexual! Or then you may not feel like dating anyone, and that's fine too. And there are examples of aces and allos dating each other - in those cases, naturally communication and expressing boundaries becomes increasingly important, as there are different wants and it might require some tinkering to make things work.

Ultimately, only you can dig into your feelings and say what your orientation is. I understand the "am I only sex-repulsed" part, and what helped me was reading about sexualities, carefully reading about allosexual experiences, and reflecting them. Maybe, if you are lucky to find an understanding and cool allosexual friend, talking about the experiences. And also kind of analysing attractions. "Okay I feel attracted to this person, is it wanna-be-friends attraction, wow-that-looks-like-artwork attraction, wanna-date-them attraction, wanna-cuddle-them attraction, wanna-bed-them attraction?" It helped me untangle things a bit. Ultimately what helped me was growing older and seeing my stances stabilizing.

Good luck!

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, makomermaid said:

What if I am just afraid of intimacy or too self conscious and it isn't actually asexuality?

Why should "fear of intimacy" and "self-consciousness" (to be honest, I don't like this term - because it's portrayed as something negative and consciousness is the most wonderful thing! - although perhaps I shouldn't say it this way, because I'm in fact extremely nudity-averse myself and I strongly refuse to consider it something Bad) be absolutely "not actually asexuality"? Why couldn't it be both at the same time?

There is a pervasive and very harmful belief that asexuality is only "authentic", can only be recognised if it there's no factor such as trauma, illness, disability, conservative upbringing etc., which could be used to "explain" it. Some people are eager to persistently search for such a factor and if they find it, they triumphantly exclaim: "See? You're not really asexual, you're just (insert factor)!". And to me this way of thinking is based on one assumption which is unacceptable to me: that asexuality is something unfortunate. That being allosexual is always better than being asexual, being sexually active is always better than being unwilling to have sex, and therefore asexuality can only be accepted as a last resort, when all "hopes" at finding a factor which caused it and could allow "fixing" it have failed. But regardless of the reasons for a person's asexuality - whether one is an "Unassailable Asexual" for which no "explanation" can indeed be found and they seem just "born this way", or whether it may seem plausible that someone had become effectively asexual due to a factor such as sexual abuse, chronic illness or an atmosphere of discomfort around sexual issues in the family - every single person who is asexual, or "effectively asexual", has a right to accept themself as asexual! They have a right to actively prefer being asexual, to have no desire to start experiencing sexual attraction, and - if there is a possibility that "therapy" could make them start desiring sex - to refuse any "therapy" and say that they are fine as they are, whetever the reason. A note on the side: I really don't want to use the term "effectively asexual" anymore because it would imply that people who could be asexual due to an identifiable factor aren't "really" asexual - and this is a kind of thinking I strongly refuse, I respect non-inborn sexual identities and believe that, even if people's sexualities are only in extremely rare cases the result of choice, any sexual identity still has a component of choice - a decision to accept one's sexuality, to stop questioning, to consider the issue set. (OK, maybe I'm wrong, because many people don't give their sexual orientation a lot of thought and heterosexual people are indeed actively discouraged from questioning their orientation in any way.) So you too have a right to accept yourself, to reject the dominant perception of asexuality as "a Problem" and decide that regardless of why you are asexual, you don't need "fixing".

1 hour ago, makomermaid said:

Being asexual would be a relief I think, because I wouldn't be expected to have sex with a partner. 

This is another thing I find terrifying: the ease at which our culture accepts unwanted sex. Sex is implicitly considered an "opt-out" activity, something which is effectively obligatory unless one has a "good enough reason" not to do it. And it should be the other way around! Everyone who considers having sex should be able to give a reason for doing it! And by all means I think that "I really want to (and my partner does too)" is enough - but we, as a society, should recognise that unwanted sex is always wrong and therefore people should never have sex without being sure that they want to! So really, everyone has a right to refuse sex for any reason. One shouldn't "have to" be asexual to be given this right. "I don't want to" is always a good enough reason for not having sex.

As I wrote, I consider consciousness the most wonderful thing - unsurprising, given that I'm committed to exploring it. And I could say that I don't want people to live unconscious lives. People should give their choices more consideration because not doing it can detrimental. They shouldn't treat some lifestyle choices - such as sexual activity - as default and recognise that they have a choice, that there are more possibilities and nobody is obligated to choose a particular path just because most people do it and seem fine with it.

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Why should "fear of intimacy" and "self-consciousness" (to be honest, I don't like this term - because it's portrayed as something negative and consciousness is the most wonderful thing! - although perhaps I shouldn't say it this way, because I'm in fact extremely nudity-averse myself and I strongly refuse to consider it something Bad) be absolutely "not actually asexuality"? Why couldn't it be both at the same time?

There is a pervasive and very harmful belief that asexuality is only "authentic", can only be recognised if it there's no factor such as trauma, illness, disability, conservative upbringing etc., which could be used to "explain" it. Some people are eager to persistently search for such a factor and if they find it, they triumphantly exclaim: "See? You're not really asexual, you're just (insert factor)!". And to me this way of thinking is based on one assumption which is unacceptable to me: that asexuality is something unfortunate. That being allosexual is always better than being asexual, being sexually active is always better than being unwilling to have sex, and therefore asexuality can only be accepted as a last resort, when all "hopes" at finding a factor which caused it and could allow "fixing" it have failed. But regardless of the reasons for a person's asexuality - whether one is an "Unassailable Asexual" for which no "explanation" can indeed be found and they seem just "born this way", or whether it may seem plausible that someone had become effectively asexual due to a factor such as sexual abuse, chronic illness or an atmosphere of discomfort around sexual issues in the family - every single person who is asexual, or "effectively asexual", has a right to accept themself as asexual! They have a right to actively prefer being asexual, to have no desire to start experiencing sexual attraction, and - if there is a possibility that "therapy" could make them start desiring sex - to refuse any "therapy" and say that they are fine as they are, whetever the reason. A note on the side: I really don't want to use the term "effectively asexual" anymore because it would imply that people who could be asexual due to an identifiable factor aren't "really" asexual - and this is a kind of thinking I strongly refuse, I respect non-inborn sexual identities and believe that, even if people's sexualities are only in extremely rare cases the result of choice, any sexual identity still has a component of choice - a decision to accept one's sexuality, to stop questioning, to consider the issue set. (OK, maybe I'm wrong, because many people don't give their sexual orientation a lot of thought and heterosexual people are indeed actively discouraged from questioning their orientation in any way.) So you too have a right to accept yourself, to reject the dominant perception of asexuality as "a Problem" and decide that regardless of why you are asexual, you don't need "fixing".

This is another thing I find terrifying: the ease at which our culture accepts unwanted sex. Sex is implicitly considered an "opt-out" activity, something which is effectively obligatory unless one has a "good enough reason" not to do it. And it should be the other way around! Everyone who considers having sex should be able to give a reason for doing it! And by all means I think that "I really want to (and my partner does too)" is enough - but we, as a society, should recognise that unwanted sex is always wrong and therefore people should never have sex without being sure that they want to! So really, everyone has a right to refuse sex for any reason. One shouldn't "have to" be asexual to be given this right. "I don't want to" is always a good enough reason for not having sex.

As I wrote, I consider consciousness the most wonderful thing - unsurprising, given that I'm committed to exploring it. And I could say that I don't want people to live unconscious lives. People should give their choices more consideration because not doing it can detrimental. They shouldn't treat some lifestyle choices - such as sexual activity - as default and recognise that they have a choice, that there are more possibilities and nobody is obligated to choose a particular path just because most people do it and seem fine with it.

Agree

 

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, AavaMeri said:

Hi, welcome to the site!

I had similar thoughts in your age (I'm 30), and it was only recently when I started to settle down the thought that I'm asexual (because hey, I'm 30, no interest popped up, no way I'm a late boomer anymore). I did have some very sex-negative thoughts in your age, and while I kinda mellowed out with them (not going into specifics), I still came to the conclusion that I don't want sex (and I'm still virgin!) and that I don't find any person sexually attractive. I think the last point helped me nail that down most; when I started to realize that there are several types of attraction and I didn't really experience the "wow I wish I had sex with that person" type of attraction, I settled down with the "asexual" label more easily. It took me longer to figure the romantic attraction part longer.

On the other hand, if you aren't sure, it is perfectly fine to be questioning and not to pick a label yet. Even if you were allosexual, you don't have to have sex unless you want. If someone says you should have sex, they are wrong, no matter if you are asexual or allosexual. Respect yourself and your own wishes and boundaries. I do get it that having a clear label "asexual" makes it easier to set the boundary. It did to me, it felt much easier to draw the "I'm the ace and grey-aro" card when I wanted to reaffirm my limits.

Also remember that even if you were asexual, your romantic orientation may be aromantic or alloromantic. So if you feel romantic attraction to someone and want to date, you may still be asexual! Or then you may not feel like dating anyone, and that's fine too. And there are examples of aces and allos dating each other - in those cases, naturally communication and expressing boundaries becomes increasingly important, as there are different wants and it might require some tinkering to make things work.

Ultimately, only you can dig into your feelings and say what your orientation is. I understand the "am I only sex-repulsed" part, and what helped me was reading about sexualities, carefully reading about allosexual experiences, and reflecting them. Maybe, if you are lucky to find an understanding and cool allosexual friend, talking about the experiences. And also kind of analysing attractions. "Okay I feel attracted to this person, is it wanna-be-friends attraction, wow-that-looks-like-artwork attraction, wanna-date-them attraction, wanna-cuddle-them attraction, wanna-bed-them attraction?" It helped me untangle things a bit. Ultimately what helped me was growing older and seeing my stances stabilizing.

Good luck!

Great explaination

[Thujaplicata]

Previous responses basically cover it in my opinion. It's up to you, whatever label you like, and you should always be able to refuse sex. 

But I wanted to say - me too! Largely due to my stepdad (I do love him but...) I still have issues trusting any man having any power over me to the point where high school me felt sick to my stomach imagining myself as a stay-at-home mom married to a man. And I hadn't even considered the sex. Eww. (I'm also sex repulsed, and my family also didn't discuss anything of the sort. Everything I learned about puberty, menstruation, and sex was from class and books.)

My dad thought I might be a late bloomer because he believed I'd been in "protection/survival mode" while I lived at home and advised me to give it time. He said it was fine if I truly was ace, but clearly doubted. My stepmom thought I just needed therapy (she came around quite quickly thankfully.) My mom just said I was straight and repressed. 

So I spent about 7 years quietly waiting to see if I'd turn out to not actually be ace. 

I told people I was ace throughout that time, often as a sort of shield against potential romantic/sexual interest. But I always rather worried - what if I turned out to not be ace? Would I have to track down every person I'd told and retract that? 

Personally, I am now quite certain of myself as asexual. And I'd say, if you want to claim asexuality now, go for it. If it changes, it changes. But for now, why wait for yourself to change? Why put your identity on indefinite hold because you might be repressed instead?  

I did. And I'm kind of mad about it. I saw some thing somewhere "I don't want sex, that's okay. Now what?" that expressed perfectly my thoughts and experience when I finally stopped second-guessing myself. I started imagining what I do want from the future, etc.