Dysfunctional siblings

[Perin]

I have four sisters and one brother, all older than me. I am, as they have nicknamed me, the runt of the family. Partly due to my size when younger.
 

the inter sibling dynamics is....... appalling. If you take all six of us and work out how many possible alliances and feuds are possible....... well, it’s a lot. 
 

that’s the way it is. Not nice, but over time you get to be able to manage it. 
 

that’s until something like me happens. 
 

just one of my sisters knows what my position is re. AroAce, neutrois etc. Actually, she’s the only balanced one. 
 

I’ve discussed “coming out’ to the others with her and she advises not to. She says, politely, tht there would be a ‘reaction’. Ie. A shark like feeding frenzy. The siblings are, with the exception of the balanced sister, homophobic etc to varying degrees. I’d be ripped to shreds. 
 

i don’t like having to live hidden on account of their prejudices, yet at the same time I tell myself tht I can live without them so why invite trouble?

 

 Both parents have passed on. Ironically, they’d be the most accepting, although my mom tended to churn out the line tht rly grates with me ‘I just want you to be happy with whatever you choose’, which on face value sounds accepting but my take on it is ‘I don’t agree it’s right, but if you must do/be tht to be happy, I’ll just have to accept you like tht’. Rather bitter sweet?

 

 Needless to say, owing to the dysfunctional dynamics of my sibling  surroundings, I’m often cast into self doubt and I inherit their beliefs of who I am. Most toxic. 
 

I’m not sure what I’m asking here. It’s what it is. Causes me an actual lot of mental anguish/turmoil. But if anybody has any tips on how i can manage this festering pot of dysfunctionality I’d be very grateful. 
 

/r

[Journee_Stars]

If you really wanna come out to your siblings, then I would wait until you have the capability to move out (if you don't already have that capability). Even then, you should also know that coming out isn't a necessary thing, as long as you yourself knows who you are. If you feel as if you'd be put into danger by coming out, then it'd be best to just not come out to them at all. Just make sure you're safe in whatever you do.

[Thujaplicata]

I am sorry to hear your sibling dynamics are so vicious. I have about 6 assorted half and step siblings myself, but I have a pretty good relationship with all of them and am very close to a few, for which I count myself very lucky. On the other hand, a large part of why we're so close is because my mom and step-dad have some serious issues and so we sisters pretty much had an alliance against the parents. 

 

While I am uncertain what would work best for you/what you want to do, I can think of a few ideas? I'll rattle off thoughts and you can see if any of it is helpful.

 

First of all, if you haven't already I'd try to build a network of friends and support outside your siblings. A found family if you will. And of course, keep that supportive sister close. If you can, distance might be helpful? (Like Ej_Starshine said, moving out/away...)

 

My girlfriend's mom has straight up cut off most of her family. They were largely awful, especially her parents. My girlfriend and her sister are forbidden from talking to most of their aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Severing ties is not for everyone of course - I deeply love my family, while loathing some (many) of their views. But sometimes cutting people off is deserved/needed. That's up to you to decide. 

 

Personally, I have a relationship with my mom where I allow her to imagine my sentiments to be other than they are - she hates my dad and I let her think I believe her side of the story. She doesn't truly know my heart and never will because I don't trust her, but outside of that we have a decent relationship. It's really sad, sometimes, to think about, but there's not an acceptable alternative. (I could tell her that I think she's insecure, racist, homophobic, sexist, a pretty bad parent and delusional. Or even just that I actually do love my dad and believe that he's not the monster she claims. But I know the explosion in return would be cruel, probably divide me from my younger sisters, and would never resolve to anything better. Facades and deception, smiling past frustration and refusing to discuss anything beyond trivial topics - that is as good as it's going to get, so that's where I'll live.)

It sounds like your siblings wouldn't be content to just avoid discussing your identity the way some family avoid discussing politics, or I'd suggest telling them like it's no big deal and then avoiding the topic. 

 

Would it be possible for you to "come out" in the rest of your life? To other people who matter? Or maybe you have already...

I guess I was just thinking that maybe you could avoid hiding elsewhere in your life, if you must hide with your siblings. Although, if they're involved in your life much then they'd probably find out. And that could be bad.

 

I guess my advice in general is to find support outside your immediate family.

That, and plan ahead. Figure out what your goal is. What do you want? Sounds like you want to be able to live openly - anything else? (To ask yourself, not answer me.) How will you get there? What do you need to get there? Can you see a path to follow? For me, identifying my goal and knowing that I can have it with time gives me hope. And clinging to that hope helps when it's hard. (One of my little sisters has been more or less brainwashed by her parents and has fallen into strange, conservative, and worrying views. I'm just waiting till she leaves the house so she can think clearly and independently.)

 

I'm sorry to hear their ideas have poisoned your thoughts. I've spent quite a while in therapy, so that might help? See if you can talk things through with people who you actually trust to have decent opinions? I know that for me, hearing someone I respect react to something that's been said to/around me helps to cement that my initial instinct was correct and that was not okay. 

I hope that AVEN can be a supportive and accepting place for you!

 

As for managing mental and emotional pain and frustration...I think there are probably a lot of suggestions online. I've heard that physical exercise helps with stress, getting outside in nature grounds me, journaling helps me process things, distilling my emotions or an experience into a poem is strangely thrilling and vindicating, some people are good at art and find that helpful...

 

"I just want you to be happy"

- I told my mom I'm ace and dating my best friend, another girl, and she stumbled over a "you're an adult, you can have a private life, you don't have to tell me" and a "I'm glad that you're happy..." but was clearly shocked and displeased. She'd have been over the moon if I told her I'd found a boyfriend. 

 

I hope that some of this was helpful!

-Thuja

[Perin]

Wow. Tysm for those replies. I had to go lie down after reading that lengthy last one!!!

 

 Combined with ‘good sis’ the consensus seems to be ‘let sleeping dogs lie’. 
 

i can’t say tht I disagree with tht. Certainly seems the safest option.
 

There’s something else, too. Within dysfunctional families there exists a ‘methodology’ of identifying one member onto which all the ills of the family can be placed. It’s searchable in google if you enter something like ‘dysfunctional families skeleton  in the cupboard’. What happens is tht when there’s anything wrong, the one who has had referencable difficulties is used as the scapegoat and is wheeled out so tht the finger of blame can be pointed at them as the source of all the family’s problems. It gets worse...... families come to rely on this very convenient scapegoat, even subconsciously!! If the designated skeleton in the cupboard actually manages to get better, the family members actually push the person back into their role off whipping boy.

 

I’ve had ‘issues’ which they love to latch on to (my profile has them listed). So. I think it’s best I rly don’t give in and let them relabel me to suit their agenda. 
 

and what to do coming out wise? well, I’m doing the exercise, too much actually, and I cld be stopped soon from enjoying tht. I’m into some arts, particularly playing the piano. So that gets a ✅. 
 

community. Hmmmm. I’ve searched for anything local Re. Asexual groups, neutrois etc. Nothing at all going on within abt 100 miles. Tell a lie. There is one, but I suspect it’s very much a personal financial venture of somebody. Which I’m not easy with. 

 

I’ve dipped a toe into local LGBT possibilities, but the only things local are rly geared at either purely gay or lesbian or youth. So dead end there. 
 

Before anybody suggests ‘great!!!! Start one up then!!!’  There’s a problem. I have AvPD. which makes tht rly difficult. 
 

I’m going to keep my eyes open, and who knows, the more you’re on the lookout, the more likely one is to notice something helpful when it sails  by!! 
 

ty again for the responses. Very helpful!!