I’m 14 and i think I’m ace but everyone says that I’m too young to know please help me :)

[Lanu]

Hi I’m 14 and i think I’m ace. My mother said that I’m to young to know if I’m ace. But i really think that i am ace. Because everyone at my school are like “omg he is so hot i want to do a blow job with him” or things like this but i really don’t want to have sex. I got sexually abused for 13 years and now i really don’t have an interest in sex at all. I’m scared of it actually and i don’t want to have sex. Like yesterday me and my friend were looking at picture of boys (although I’m omni and prefer girls way more) and my friend was like “omg he is SO hot i want to have sex with him” and i just looked at her and said sex is disgusting. And well she called me a weirdo. So yea am i too young to know if I’m ace or no? Please help me

[alto]

Well, you may be traumatized from your experience of abuse.  You might also be ace.  You also could be both.  

 

There are many possibilities.

[Ceebs]

On 5/12/2021 at 10:04 PM, Lanu said:

So yea am i too young to know if I’m ace or no?

Honestly, possibly. I'm not saying there's zero chance that you're asexual, but between your age (I'm sexual and I didn't particularly want to have sex with anyone at 14, either) and the abuse/trauma stuff (and I'm so sorry that happened to you... are you in therapy of any sort?), it's very definitely possible that you're just not in a place right now where sex is going to appeal to you. Which is totally okay. Lots of young people don't know what they want yet, don't feel comfortable with sexual intimacy, etc., and abuse can really do a number on how someone relates to their own sexuality. It's 100% normal to not want sex with anyone -- or even to be touched much at all -- when someone has hurt you in such a personal and vulnerable way. I do hope you're able to work through the events of your past with someone qualified to help you.

 

Also, some sexual people really aren't that strongly drawn to others on the basis of 'OH MY GOD THEY'RE SO HOT!'. I'm not highly visually driven myself; for me, to truly want sex with someone (I can still certainly recognise that a person is good-looking, and may even describe them as 'hot' and joke about the idea of sex, but I wouldn't actually be sexually intimate with them on that basis alone), it takes being attracted to who they are as a person and developing some degree of connection. When those factors are right, sexual intimacy is really important to me in a relationship. Also, when I was your age (I'm 36 now), I was baffled by other girls going nuts over hot actors and singers and the like.
 

Either way, you're certainly welcome here.  

[Lord Jade Cross]

.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi there Lanu. Welcome to the site.

Sometimes it takes a while of puberty to develop sexual feelings. So it can be worth staying open, but if you're true to yourself then no matter what label you use it comes to the same. If you don't want to have sex, then be true to yourself about that. Sometimes some teens feel differently than the rest do, and it can feel like you're different, especially if you've had something traumatic happen to you. I would give yourself time to really see things over time, but if you feel good about using the label asexual then it's up to you.
I just tell people that I'm not sexual, I find that simpler. (I'm not strictly asexual though)

[GingerRose]

1 hour ago, Lanu said:

Hi I’m 14 and i think I’m ace.

Borrowing this from another forum:

 

I hear lots of youth asking if they are asexual. When I think about it, it comes down to "Are you asking because you are thinking about becoming sexually active soon and want to know?" If the answer is no and you have just seen the identity around and don't feel sexually about anything, it's probably not something to concern yourself with right now. I'm not saying don't identify as it, but also think about why you're really questioning if this is your identity.

 

To give you an example, I am currently questioning because I am looking for a relationship and with this relationship I am thinking about getting involved "physically". I don't know if I will yet, but it's something that's on my mind for the near future.

 

Looking into gay or bisexual sexualities is different because it's about attraction primarily and who you're attracted to. Which is relevant for dating and not just for sex. Any identity someone is questioning comes with relevancy.

[AshesRising]

1 hour ago, Lanu said:

So yea am i too young to know if I’m ace or no?

I was told I was too young when I turned 17. I'm still apparently "too young." There comes a point when people will say that "you can't be ace unless you've tried it!" Which is a bunch of crap. You can totally decide your ace right now! You could be Demi or Gray! You have plenty of time to come to that decision! But that doesn't mean you can't start somewhere!

[Ceebs]

13 minutes ago, AshesRising said:

You have plenty of time to come to that decision, but if straight people can decide that they are straight as children, why can't you as ace?

Well, straight people don't really 'decide' they're straight, and... let's be perfectly honest here. There are loads of differences between asexuality and other orientations.

 

Children don't feel sexual attraction or desire for anyone because they're not sexually mature, for one. Some young teens often experience interest in people as just crushes that aren't overtly sexual, more romantic and perhaps feelings of wanting to be close (girls especially). The OP has a lengthy history of trauma, and there's no way that hasn't influenced them in some way. Some teens and young adults aren't really sure what they desire until they've actually been in a situation with someone they have feelings for, which is why some asexuals are certain they're ace only after they've tried to have sexual relationships. Some people are late bloomers. Etc.

 

I know we're probably not supposed to say it, but knowing you're asexual as a young teen really isn't the same as discovering you're gay or bi or whatever.

 

Again, not saying it's impossible that the OP isn't asexual. It's just much more of a grey area given age and trauma factors, and I think it's important to be honest about that so people don't box themselves in when they're really young. The best a person can do is simply keep an open mind, be honest with others, and never force themselves to do something they don't want to. Time and life experience will help them figure out who they are.

[Perin]

I’ve found tht the best way to fend off ppl who are trying to advise you, is to just tell them tht you’re exploring it. 

 

that way you buy time and they don’t feel tht you’re closing down any alternative. 
 

also it means tht they can’t say tht you’re ‘wrong’ 

[Rhyn Corinn]

I pretty much knew when I was 14, just didn't know the word for it. That said, in your case it could be affected by trauma as well? Either way though, it's perfectly valid to have no interest in sex.

[spencexists]

Welcome, i knew I was ace at 14. And you know, if I do feel sexual attraction in like fifteen years, great. I'm just gonna sit here and be happy for now because I have other things to have anxiety attacks about.

[verily-forsooth-egads]

Concerned by the amount of support in this thread for the idea that being ace because of trauma counts less than being born that way. If you're ace you're ace. And on that note, being ace because you're young counts too. Your peers define themselves by their sexuality and you define yourself by your lack of it in comparison to them, and if that changes it changes, it doesn't mean it was any less true at the time.

 

For what it's worth, I started identifying at 14 and am now 21. Confirmation bias is heavy here, but I'm just saying it can happen.

[Labyrinth24]

Hey, 

I'm 14 too (will turn 15 this yr) and I don't think you're too young to be asexual (might be a little biased here). Just like other orientations I think you can identify as ace at a young age. Moreover, sexuality is confined to oneself, if you are not in a hurry to put a label on yourself you can always wait or if you think you don't fit into this label in the future you can always change it. It's not gonna be the end of the world. 

Anyway, you can stick around here till you get what you're looking for (it rlly helps). 

[Perin]

Some very insightful youngsters on here ^^^^^^^^

[everywhere and nowhere]

6 hours ago, GingerRose said:

Borrowing this from another forum:

 

I hear lots of youth asking if they are asexual. When I think about it, it comes down to "Are you asking because you are thinking about becoming sexually active soon and want to know?" If the answer is no and you have just seen the identity around and don't feel sexually about anything, it's probably not something to concern yourself with right now. I'm not saying don't identify as it, but also think about why you're really questioning if this is your identity.

 

To give you an example, I am currently questioning because I am looking for a relationship and with this relationship I am thinking about getting involved "physically". I don't know if I will yet, but it's something that's on my mind for the near future.

 

Looking into gay or bisexual sexualities is different because it's about attraction primarily and who you're attracted to. Which is relevant for dating and not just for sex. Any identity someone is questioning comes with relevancy.

I disagree. Some people start questioning whether they are asexual exactly because they already realise that they don't want to have sex. Is it a situation in which they shouldn't worry? I absolutely wouldn't like to make asexuality appear like the only acceptable or conceivable reason for not having sex, but isn't it good for a person in that situation to know? Particularly if they want to date, but are specifically not "thinking about becoming sexually active" - it's good for them to have a way of communicating their preferences to a potential partner.
The author of that post seems to assume that sex is something everyone should at least consider. That undesired sex is the default for asexuals because one needs a better reason for not having sex. This kind of thinking is dangerous because it increases the pressure on asexual people. And I'm repeating it: sex should never be the default. Probably any relationship should start with discussing potentially contentious issues, and these issues include sex - and a preference for celibacy should always be considered a legitimate and possible option.

I also support people questioning their orientation for another reason: look, there are so many people wondering whether they are asexual! Some of them might turn out to be wrong, but a lot won't. I realise that it's still just a small part of the world population and that there's a selection effect going on: people who come here usually do it exactly because they are asexual or think they might be. But when we see new people wondering about it almost every day - even if realising that we might be misjudging the scale, it still can make us wonder that perhaps the 1% statistic is not even true? That perhaps the number of self-identified asexuals will increase precisely because of people knowing that it's an option?

[Janus the Fox]

It’s best advised not to fall into debate in a questioning thread, especially for our younger members.

[A User]

I think not. I'm literally 13 and I've decided half-way. If anything, sexuality is fluid, so you never know tbh.

I don't have much else to say that anyone hasn't already said, but welcome!!!!!!!

Have a cake, it'll be good to eat while you (possibly) read this long thread

[Red Sun Rises]

While I think it's a good thing to keep an open mind about your sexuality while your hormones work themselves out (which they may never do) and while you work through your past/ongoing life experiences (which will be an ongoing process), I definitely don't think you're too young to know your sexuality.  

 

I've known since I was a small child that I was different than my peers, but I didn't have words for it.  If I'd had the words for it when I was your age, I would have labeled myself and been correct because I have unceasingly had the same feelings (or non-feelings lol) about people & sex.  Explore this site - WELCOME!!! - and read more, and continue to figure yourself out!  

 

My sexuality has never changed but it did take me a while to figure out what my romantic orientation was.  I think it's a fascinating journey and one that you will be supported in here on AVEN  

[Sarah-Sylvia]

6 minutes ago, Red Sun Rises said:

I've known since I was a small child that I was different than my peers, but I didn't have words for it.  If I'd had the words for it when I was your age, I would have labeled myself and been correct because I have unceasingly had the same feelings (or non-feelings lol) about people & sex.  Explore this site - WELCOME!!! - and read more, and continue to figure yourself out! 

Well, that's one thing, all children are like this when it comes to sexuality. So the 'same feeling' is just the continuation of that lack of sexual feelings that develop throughout puberty. Some develop them later, and can even take until 17 or 18, besides exception. I usually say that by 16 it's a good time to consider more seriously the hints that someone has had in the last years. Some say you can know younger, but I think that's tricky, and we do get from both sides, where someone will say it stayed the same, but some will say it changed and they developed their sexuality even though they thought they were asexual.

That's not to discourage considering asexuality more seriously, just that puberty is a time where a lot of things change and develop, so it makes sense to keep open and grow into however we become, so long as everyone's true to themselves along the way. At least that's how I view it. Especially since I see nothing wrong with questioning or exploring, to really discover what makes sense for us

[Red Sun Rises]

37 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Well, that's one thing, all children are like this when it comes to sexuality. 

Yes and no.  Children do a lot of mimicking of adult behaviors which is where some of their little boyfriend/girlfriend things come from, but children also start showing who they are attracted to (or not attracted to) while they're still in elementary school - maybe not sexually, I would agree with that part, but romantically it definitely starts to show.  Most LGBT+ kids can definitely tell that they deviate from the cishet norm when they're still kids.  But like I said originally, you should still keep an open mind especially while going through puberty due to raging hormones making you insane 🤪

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Just now, Red Sun Rises said:

Yes and no.  Children do a lot of mimicking of adult behaviors which is where some of their little boyfriend/girlfriend things come from, but children also start showing who they are attracted to (or not attracted to) while they're still in elementary school - maybe not sexually, I would agree with that part, but romantically it definitely starts to show.  Most LGBT+ kids can definitely tell that they deviate from the cishet norm when they're still kids.  But like I said originally, you should still keep an open mind especially while going through puberty due to raging hormones making you insane 🤪

Yeah I agree romantic orientation can be seen earlier in a lot of people .But for sexuality it's quite different. And I know it's not fun to hear that if someone wants to be able to feel confident in their label, but I think it's good to be exploring and keep open too because we do change a lot during teen years.

[PermianElle]

So, the thing about identity is that they're always evolving. At 14 I thought I was straight, at 27 I realized I was ace and thought I only liked guys, at 31 I'm comfortable being ace and romantically interested in anyone I click with. Who knows how I'll feel at 35.

 

You're 14. You could be ace, you could not be, but if the label is something that brings you comfort and helps you feel more confident in yourself, use it. If anyone gives you trouble over it, ask them what it costs them to be supportive. Maybe they're right, maybe they're wrong, it doesn't hurt them to be supportive of where you are in your identity and keep their opinions to themselves.

 

However, you should set boundaries with your friends and learn some neutral disengagement phrases. Sex is going to come up and if you tell everyone that mentions it that it's disgusting, you're going to alienate a lot of people. I did this, I don't recommend it.

 

Now, you said you were abused for 13 out of 14 years. I hope you're out of that situation, but if not, please speak to a mandated reporter. You might also want to consider therapy if you're in a position to do so and not already. I know people online throw it around a lot, but for survivors of sexual abuse it can really help with processing emotions and reacting to potentially triggering situations. If you're in America, RAINN might be able to help. 

 

Above all, remember: only you get to decide who you are, and no, you're not too young to be figuring that out. 

[Kroete]

Keep in mind the definition of asexuality: You're asexual if you don't feel sexual attraction to anyone. If this is true for you and this word makes a lot of sense to you, then you're probably asexual. It really is that simple.
It doesn't neccessarily mean you have no sex. Sexual attraction and sexual activity are two different things. There are asexuals who sometimes have sex.

Anyway, the important part is, only YOU can know how you TRULY feel. Others can't look into your brain. Therefore, don't listen to people who try to argue out of your sexual orientation, whichever it is (straight, bi, homo, ace, whatever).

If you feel like the label "asexual" makes sense to you, go for it.
If you feel happier about yourself by identifying as asexual, then go for it.
It's really simple.

If you're still unsure, just look at other sexual orientations like straight, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, etc. and check if any of them makes MORE sense to you than asexual. If asexuality still makes the most sense of them all, then that is probably because you ARE asexual.

Here's another secret: You don't have to identify as asexual for your whole life. It's not like once you identify as asexual, you're locked into this label forever.

I wouldn't worry too much about the possibility you might be "wrong". If one day you suddenly start to feel sexual attraction, so what? You can always drop the "asexual" label if you don't like it anymore. And if anyone has a problem with that, that is THEIR problem, not yours. People who can't accept your sexual orientation no matter what you do are NOT your friends. Your sexual orientation is something very personal to you, remember that.

Stay true to yourself, that's what I'm saying. Use whatever label feels most natural for you, whatever makes you happy. Don't use a label which feels like someone else "convinced you" to use, or a label that makes you feel awkward or wrong, or if it makes you feel like as if you're lying to yourself.
Or you might decide to just leave it as "undecided" and don't use any label for now. That's also a valid option.

As for me, I identify as asexual because, first of all, I AM asexual. But also, it actually makes me happy because it makes so much sense for myself. I think being happy is actually a good thing.

Sidenote: It is really interesting that only queer people have to deal with these discussions. Does anyone question 14 year old boys who are after girls (and vice-versa)? Does anyone tell them THEY are "too young to know?". No. But that's not fair! Either we should question the sexual orientation of everyone, or nobody. (I prefer "nobody".)