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Pieces solving a puzzle ?


Glacy

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Hey,

 

This is the first time I'm doing this but I hope to find here a place where I feel safe and confident enough to talk about it without being judged, to share, to try to understand and hope to be a little less lost. Because I can't really talk about this kind of subject around me.

 

I am a girl. French (sorry for mistakes). I am 23 years old.

 

What can I say : hmmm;

 

I was never attracted to guys or girls when I was in high school, college, as a child. There was always someone to ask me “are you interested in this person?”, “do you like girls, boys…” and every time I was hmmm "the question never crossed my mind" in fact.

I had few crushes on people. I can count them on the tip of my hand. Physical attraction. Yes. Romantic attraction too.

I know I idealize the idea of being in a relationship but I don't feel the need to be with someone.

 

I told myself for a long time that I was waiting for the right person, a man or a woman, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I recently started to question myself about my feelings, wondering if I was bi, more attracted to a personality or if I'm asexual.

 

I know I don't like physical contact. I can initiate physical contact, hugging people I trust or like, but otherwise I wait for the other person to initiate the contact and even then I will tend to run away quickly.

I think that I run away very quickly from any attempt of people who are interested in me or who want more. Why ? maybe because I don't know them enough or I’m becoming uncomfortable.

 

I know that I can get pleasure from myself, but I find it harder to know if I can feel sexual attraction or sexual desire for someone or if it is just a fear of intimacy.

For example, a guy kissed me the other day and I felt absolutely nothing. “Ni chaud, ni froid”. No electricity. No thrill of desire. The first thing that came to my mind afterwards was disgust. And the sudden urge to brush my teeth. And to wonder if I'm normal. Not that he had forced me, maybe taken me by surprise at first but nothing more.

I talked about it with my friends, and they think it was because he wasn’t the right person or the good one. There was physical attraction. I guess. No romantic feeling. And yet…

 

Do you know the song 'tempt my trouble', I think I'm the heart-breaker everytime, or people think I have a cold heart (yet I'm nice) and "no sparkle to make us feel" ;

 

And this specific person, very opposite to me, did not understand that it was not possible not to want to have a sexual relationship. We talk about this. Which is not something that goes through my mind at any time of the day, and I'm fine with it. I do not feel the need to have a sexual relationship with anyone. I may like the idea but nothing more.

 

Maybe the most violent part was when this person said that I had a problem with men. Maybe he said that because of refusal. I don’t know. And yet, I was asking myself if I have a problem ? If I was the problem ? Maybe I'm afraid to have sex or be intimate with anyone, suffering from a physical deformity (genetic one, at the level of the chest, not easy to deal about it everyday but we still have our problems, demons, fears), maybe I'm too insecure or some would say inexperienced. And yet I still think that it is normal to have no desire to have sex and that it has nothing to do with the idea of being with a man or a woman.

 

I don't think I'm the problem and despite everything I still have this feeling of not belonging. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Some people think I am too mature. I don't know.

As a result, I ask myself questions, I started to read more resources about asexuality, wondering if I can be asexual. I don’t know. I ask myself this question before and it's in my mind again, I guess.

 

Maybe you can help me a little ? I know it's up to me to know who I am, but I feel like I'm in trouble waters, asking myself if someone is going to reach out to me.

 

And sorry for this big text or mistakes, I’m just letting everything out.

Thanks for reading.

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It certainly sounds like you aren't experiencing sexual attraction or desire to move on to sex. A lot of people are confused about whether they lack the intimacy or are afraid, but if you just don't feel the desire to... that's really all there is to it. I always say, just take it simply, don't do things you aren't comfortable with or don't want to do, know that it is OK to not want to have sex with someone and to say no. Sometimes people respond negatively to no, but that is a problem for all people.

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Black Dragon

I don't think you are the problem either. Each one of us is complex and different. I am happy to hear you are respecting your feelings and not conforming to make other people happy.  There's no hurry to pick a label for yourself if you're not sure... although I know it can be frustrating not knowing. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help you here on AVEN, people are pretty good at replying to comments and questions here :)

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DemonicEnby

To begin with the most important part: you are definitely not the problem. Never think anything less of yourself and never let someone tell you otherwise. If you're not feeling sexual attraction then you are not feeling it, full stop. 

 

As for the other thing, humans often tend to try to explain things away that they don't understand (or do not want to understand or to be true) and rejected people can get, sadly, annoying with the blame-game pretty quickly. Not all of them, mind, but unfortunately it is the majority. 

 

And as asexuality is (still) a very small minority statistically and many think of it as a myth, there will often be such people who react like that. Or might tell you that "you just didn't meet the right person yet", "don't worry, it will certainly happen" or "oh my, have you been to the doctor / traumatised / hurt in the past?" etc. Ignore that. If you are happy and don't miss anything then everything is alright and if something changes you can still change your label, if you even pick one. Because you don't have to. 

 

Take your time to figure things out and don't let yourself get pressured into stuff you don't want or like. 

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