mathlady Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 I think my dh might be asexual. He mentioned in a joke last night, but he never shows any interest in sex. Because of religious beliefs we did not have sex until marriage. I have always had a high sex drive and he told me the same thing as well (he had 2 previous partners). After a month of marriage I knew that he did not have a high sex drive, but rather no sex drive. He will occasionally initiate sex out of his love for me, but he will hardly touch me and expects me to do things for him. I don't understand this because he doesn't get much satisfaction out of it anyway. I am about to go crazy from sexual desire even though I try to release this through masturbation. Last night I dreamed about sex with my dh all night, and I guess I tried to initiate with him this morning before waking up. I really try not to pressure him, so it was embarrassing to find out that I do this in my sleep. I have done this on several occasions in the last month. So for those of you with a high sex drive married to an asexual how do you make it work? Would it be offensive to ask him to consider holding me while I masturbate, because I want to connect with him? I could handle him holding me and not expect anything sexual from him other than just normal affection: cuddling, hugging, and kissing. I would love any advice to try to tame my desires and make things work out with us. Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 I don't think it would be offensive to ask if he would mind holding you while you masturbate. I as an asexual would feel a little awkward doing it but I would give it a shot. And it would be much better than being pressured into sex. I would have to spoon from behind, though. I don't think I could handle being right up against it. But I might even get into rubbing or caressing a partner's back, hugging, etc. Just don't make me do the actual sexual stuff, like touching genitals. It might even be a bit of a relief to your dh to give you that outlet. Link to post Share on other sites
mathlady Posted January 16, 2007 Author Share Posted January 16, 2007 Thank you M51. I think it will be a relief to my dh because he has been initiating sex 3-5 times a month out of love for me and meeting my needs. I just can't stand the fact that it means nothing to him, and that he sometimes hates it. I know he hates to touch my genitals but will sometimes out of love for me. Masturbation kind of weirds him out but I think he would prefer it much more than sex where he has to be a participant. I just hate masturbation by myself, because although it gives me a release, I resent the fact that he is not there, and that he does not care about that. I think if he were there I would feel much more connected to him. Are there any suggestions on how to approach the subject without scaring him? Link to post Share on other sites
mathlady Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 We had a long discussion on the topic of sex today, but it was different then normal. I have finally come to the place after 13 months of marriage that I can say to him it is okay that you don't want sex, I understand, and you shouldn't have to do anything that you don't want to....what I am feeling is also okay....let's talk and try to find something that works for both of us. This was the first time we have not argued while discussing this topic, and he was very open about his feelings for the first time. I think he might be a very low drive sexual or possibily asexual with no desire, but some enjoyment during. He said sex doesn't matter and that he is rarely aroused. However, about 60-75% of the time he will enjoy it for at least 30 seconds during. I can tell from the conversation that I definitely need to find out more of what gives him intimacy (non-sexual) and work on that. I think he craves non-sexual intimacy as much as I do sexual intimacy. Although I don't think my dh is asexual after our discussion...I think I will continue to come here for support because it is a very fine line between asexual and sexual for him. Thank you so much for being here, because I have gained so much by reading all the posts and walking in other people's shoes. I think I now begin to feel what my dh feels...many of the posters words could have been his. Link to post Share on other sites
Coleslaw Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I'm glad you've gotten some support here! If I can offer anything, I'd say that you guys pursuing ways to make some serious non-sexual intimacy happen will really help. Have a spontaneous, fun filled weekend or something like that. I'm pretty sure that will make things feel perfect on both ends for a while. If he loves you, as I'm sure he does, he wants to see you happy, just as much as you want him to be happy. So go do something happy! Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I second Cole's good wishes, Math Lady! I'm in your situation, and I know how difficult it can be. The fact that you can approach your husband without blaming him is a huge step... it was very hard for me to do, too. But how great that he's able to talk and maybe negotiate with you on this subject. -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
Hallucigenia Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Although I don't think my dh is asexual after our discussion...I think I will continue to come here for support because it is a very fine line between asexual and sexual for him. Mathlady, the borderline between asexual and sexual is one of the most interesting (to me, at least) and least adequately understood areas of relevance to AVEN. I would be really interested in hearing what happens between you and your dh in the future, and what kind of an understanding of each other you come to. Link to post Share on other sites
mathlady Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Thank you for all of the encouragement and nice posts. Once I know what is working for us, I will be more than happy to share. I would love to hear what non-sexual forms of intimacy you all have tried. My dh has ADD and sometimes has problems forming the thoughts to share what makes him feel loved. Usually it works best if I collect a bunch of ideas, give them a try, and then see what works. Unfortunately I get the most out of physical touch (hugging, cuddling, kissing, and yes, sex after a great conversation), but I really want to find out how to be intimate in other ways. When we talked yesterday he said the emotional/friendship part of our relationship was a 5 on a 1-5 scale so that is really great. I look forward to hearing any ideas that you all have. Link to post Share on other sites
mathlady Posted January 18, 2007 Author Share Posted January 18, 2007 Although I don't think my dh is asexual after our discussion...I think I will continue to come here for support because it is a very fine line between asexual and sexual for him. Mathlady, the borderline between asexual and sexual is one of the most interesting (to me, at least) and least adequately understood areas of relevance to AVEN. I would be really interested in hearing what happens between you and your dh in the future, and what kind of an understanding of each other you come to. For now we have decided to respect each others sex drives. I have begun not to take it personally when he says no, and he has decided to not take it personally when I ask. However, he has asked me to be direct when I ask and not to come on strong, which is fair in my opinion. We both want to pursue other forms of intimacy and continue to grow in our marriage. He has told me that he doesn't mind having sex and that my needs are important, but he wants to feel respected enough to say no. He has decided to not think I am trying to be controlling when I nicely ask or mention that I would like to have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Good luck, Mathlady! That sounds like a terrific arrangement. Of course, anger and frustration (on both sides), is inevitable, but if you can talk about it, that shouldn't derail anything. I wish you happiness, -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Hey, good luck, mathlady. For non-sexual intimacy - I really like to dance. Especially tango. I find that it is intimate, but not uncomfortably so. Also it is challenging; it engages my mind and my body, and in such a way that my mind and body are engaged with the mind and body of my partner. When you both move simultaneously, or when he gives me a lead and I get it and we flow through the step, it is a fantastically connected feeling. That is the biggest one I can think of. Also just cuddling and talking. Link to post Share on other sites
mathlady Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 I second Cole's good wishes, Math Lady! I'm in your situation, and I know how difficult it can be. The fact that you can approach your husband without blaming him is a huge step... it was very hard for me to do, too. But how great that he's able to talk and maybe negotiate with you on this subject. -Chiaroscuro I am sure there will be many more times that we are frustrated, but I think we are making significant progress. I know that our compromise is just a start, and is no way error proof. However, I don't think there would be any compromise that would offer that kind of guarantee. In fact I think after some of the talks that we have had this week that he is not asexual, but scared of the vulernibility, intimacy, lack of control, etc. involved in sex. This week has been a good week because he has initiated 2 times and made suggestions for trying some new things. However, I know it could be a long time before he wants or is willing to again. Link to post Share on other sites
mathlady Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 Hey, good luck, mathlady.For non-sexual intimacy - I really like to dance. Especially tango. I find that it is intimate, but not uncomfortably so. Also it is challenging; it engages my mind and my body, and in such a way that my mind and body are engaged with the mind and body of my partner. When you both move simultaneously, or when he gives me a lead and I get it and we flow through the step, it is a fantastically connected feeling. That is the biggest one I can think of. Also just cuddling and talking. Thank you for the suggestion, and it sounds like a great idea. However, I don't think it would be something that would do anything but prove us to be fools. I have 2 left feet and my dh is blind, so has issues with dancing. Second of all, his guide dog would spend the entire time running between us, trying to bite us apart. Maybe I can think of a similar idea, because you sure have my creative juices flowing now. Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Ha ha ha! Great visuals, Ms. Lady! Woof! -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 :oops: Haha! Well, i tried. Link to post Share on other sites
Daysleeper Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 how do you make mixed marriage work? I am sorry but I think you dont. Link to post Share on other sites
AnoymousCanuck Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 how do you make mixed marriage work?I am sorry but I think you dont. It seems to work for some people if maybe not many. You shouldn't come onto these threads with such a negative attitude, just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean that other people can't make it work for them. Not trying to be judgmental of you, just saying that you are coming across as being a bit harsh and negative. Link to post Share on other sites
Daysleeper Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 You shouldn't come onto these threads with such a negative attitude, just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean that other people can't make it work for them. Not trying to be judgmental of you, just saying that you are coming across as being a bit harsh and negative. I am simply expressing my own opinion and I am entitled to it. That is what people do in any forum share their own point of view. I am sure you dont want everybody to think and feel the same way you do, rigth? Link to post Share on other sites
LostPenguin Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Would it be offensive to ask him to consider holding me while I masturbate, because I want to connect with him? I could handle him holding me and not expect anything sexual from him other than just normal affection: cuddling, hugging, and kissing. I would love any advice to try to tame my desires and make things work out with us. I don't have much advice here, but I just wanted to issue a 'thanks' for putting that idea out there- frankly, I'd never heard anyone suggest anything like that before, and I like it. So many of the asexual/sexual 'compromises' basically mean "Asexual having sex/performing sexual act on partner this often" and that's that (which I simply can't stand the notion of). I can easily imagine some asexuals being squeamish about this idea, but it doesn't bother me. Thanks for putting it out there, makes me feel a little better about the potential of 'compromise'. Link to post Share on other sites
mathlady Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 Thanks Lost Penguin! Unfortunately, after some thought my dh has shared with me that he is uncomfortable with this idea, and it would take awhile for him to work up the courage to even try it. However, I respect this and I know he respects my thoughts as well. I agree with you about most compromises seem to be one person having to give something they aren't willing to give when it comes to sex. I hate the idea of him feeling forced to have sex to make me happy, and I hate to think of no sex. Personally, I don't know which is worse, but I tend to lean toward learning to live with a lot less sex so that I don't hurt him. I also mentioned to him the possibility of scheduling sex (since he is willing to) so he doesn't have to worry about when I might initiate, etc. I told him if he decides to do this that we could decide frequency together and dates, then I would not initiate at any other time. If he wanted to have sex at another time he would be welcome to initiate, but I would not. I thought this might help with his apprehension of sex and anxiety of me trying to initiate sex. Any thoughts on this idea from everyone would be appreciated? Please keep in mind he is willing to have sex, but I am trying to tame some of his feelings toward the unexpected, etc associated with it. So far all he has said is that he thinks it is kind of strange to plan sex. Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Mathlady - First off, my situation was different because my ex-husband was (and still is) an asshole. But I will relate my experiences for you to think about. I tried scheduling sex with my husband and I just started dreading and dreading it as the date approached...it made it worse, in a way, because I built it into this terrible impending disaster before it actually happened. But I totally understand and still to some extent agree with the idea that it would take some of the stress of the unknown off. That is also what I thought: that since we had a scheduled date, the time before that date was sex-free. I can be affectionate and accept physical affection any other time because we both know it will not go anywhere. The fact that ANY display of affection ALWAYS led to a sexual request/demand made any sort of intimacy - emotional or otherwise - impossible. So if I could have trusted my husband to stick with the scheduled date, maybe it would have been better. But he would pester and pester and drive me away by interpreting my every action (I am VERY affectionate even with friends) as a go ahead for sex. So by the time the date arrived I was already so frustrated with him that I could barely stand to be near him. And then he would have the gall to say well, now you have to because you agreed...when I never actually got the respite from sexuality that I needed. Because a respite from SEX is not the same thing as a respite from SEXUALITY. Dealing with constant demands for sex made me almost as uncomfortable as the sex itself. Our experiment with "scheduling", therefore, had a lot of external circumstances that caused it to fail. My biggest suggestion would be that YOU as the sexual also commit to that date (sounds like a big duh but my husband never got it), and while waiting, find ways to strengthen the bond between you in ways that the asexual understands. For me, that would be cuddling with no fear of it going further, and talking. Good luck and thanks for being the understanding type! Link to post Share on other sites
mathlady Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 M51 thanks for sharing your experience. I had already thought of that as a possibility, but I figure it is worth a try for us if my dh wants to give it a go. I figure you never know what will happen if you don't try it. I try my best not to initiate and let him do that. If I do say anything, it may be "I am really sexually aroused right now, and would enjoy having sex." and then I try to drop it no matter what the response is. I think if we scheduled sex and I knew when to look forward to it, I could keep from initiating. If I really got that frustrated, I would take care of myself without bothering him. I love physical touch without sex a lot, and much more than him. I have no problems hugging, kissing and cuddling without sex. However, he believes kissing has to lead to sex and tries to avoid it. Many times I will say I want to kiss you for a few minutes and don't want anything more. I can cuddle with him for hours without having sex, and we do cuddle everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
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