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Coming Out


GingerRose

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GingerRose

Coming out is such an odd concept to me. 

Why is your sexual orientation any business of anyone except you, your doctor, and your potential partner?

Sex is a quiet subject. It's stigmatized, it's hushed up. It's a personal thing. 

Why tell the world? Why tell your friends? Why tell your family?

Coming out has become such a fad, that people almost feel forced to do it. People can even be "outed" these days.

Why is that a thing? Our communities have created a way for people to "free" themselves and their orientation and within that a way to hurt themselves.

If you open yourself up and share your orientation with people, expect the possibility, that you will be sharing yourself with more people than just the one you told.

If you come out, you've shared your secret, your prized identity, you can't expect it to be kept in a closed box now that you've set it free. If you want your orientation to be safe, the best place for it, is with you. You can't spoil a secret by telling yourself. Coming out is almost this magical worshipped moment, where you are telling people your sex life or lack of. *Approaches friend with silver platter, opens lid, a note beneath it reads, "Here, I just wanted you to know that my private sex life isn't the norm." Ta da*

 

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17 minutes ago, GingerRose said:

Coming out is such an odd concept to me. 

Why is your sexual orientation any business of anyone except you, your doctor, and your potential partner?

This so much!

18 minutes ago, GingerRose said:

Our communities have created a way for people to "free" themselves and their orientation and within that a way to hurt themselves.

And this! and the rest of what you say as well.

Yet, if you don't, then people make all sorts of assumptions about you that are not true, and behave accordingly potentially hurting you in another way (hopefully not physically). Coming out also sounds very much like 'a big event'. I just tell people as and when I need to and/or as and when I see fit. I've told very few people. 

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Sarah-Sylvia

For most people, besides asexuality and opposite-sex bisexual couples, it's a pretty big deal enough. And you can't expect someone to keep it inside all the time.

In one relationship with a guy, I was very sad that he wasn't ready to reveal that he's bi.. and likes trans women too. To me it's important to be able to be ourselves in public too. I don't think I could be with someone who's not willing to be out, at least is open to being out eventually. Because I need to feel together outside of just a private space

Coming out is a way to affirm how you are, and say I don't want to be expected to be one way. To me coming out is just being out. And that can mean letting people who care know, because they might have had other ideas of you.

 


Asexuality doesn't need coming out because it's personal and mostly doesn't show outside of the privacy between two people. But other minorities in lgbt aren't exactly in the same boat.

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Well... for some people, it is more of an identity, something they embrace, especially after years of not being able to express it. Pride and all that. Some people overdo it and make it way too much their identity, reminding everyone how absolutely gay they are at all times, and that can be offputting, but it is just another thing people make their identity too much.

 

It seems to me that for many younger people, there is a lot of pressure to identify and make it public to their friends.

 

For me, I agree, it isn't something I've ever felt the need to tell anyone unless they need to know. Openness is good, in general, I just never saw the need myself.

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Sarah-Sylvia
Just now, capytton said:

For me, asexuality needs a coaming out the most. Asexuality has no face, we need people who are brave enough to come out and say. I am asexual, we exist, we are like this.

That's true. Awareness of asexuality can use it, and like you mentioned earlier it can help in finding people like us as well.

If someone feels comfortable and good to do it, of course.

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I think the paradox is that by coming out, you set yourself apart from other people, especially those who don't accept it. You literally identify as different. But then if you don't, how are those other people who find it challenging to accept people who have a different orientation, ever going to accept you.

I think letting the people who care about you know sounds positive, but can in that sense really work against you if they don't accept it. They can, even though they do that with the best intention from their point of view, make your life very difficult.

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Blue eyes white dragon

I think it depends on situations. If you are in a good place with nice people then it doesn't matter much on orientations. Just a casual thing that might be brought up in conversations that relate to it.  But If you are in a place that forces you to be something you are not and degrades you for it, then that's when people feel the need to come out.

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1 minute ago, capytton said:

As someone said, "Life is hard. Then you die."
I have heard many stories in which people came out and were kicked out of the family for it. But, almost all stories ended with the fact that at some point people realized that they were wrong and this made their family much stronger and happier than it was before.

That's a very positive thing to say. You're right though. Some people are very anti-something, until it happens to one of their own and they are forced ro reflect on their view.

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I think it depends on the person. To me, letting those I was close with know that I was asexual felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It just makes some people feel like they can finally be themselves. Society has made up their mind on what is "normal" and what is automatically "assumed". I believe that this can be really harmful and hurtful for a lot of people, so coming out seems to be a way to take hold of who you are for some people...

 

That's how I view it at least. I definitely don't think that anyone owes ANYONE else any type of explanation or "coming out", but I understand why it's a big deal for some.

 

I'm proud of embracing my asexual identity, especially after 29 years of having no idea that there was anything to explain how I felt. It's freeing.

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I also think it just comes a time when people are sick of hiding, because that's what it feels like a lot of times. Not hiding isn't necessarily screaming it or coming out to the world in some grand declaration, but even just admitting it out loud to yourself and those you trust... that's an amazing feeling. :)

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Lord Jade Cross
On 5/10/2021 at 12:31 PM, capytton said:

.

 

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Mina.Mina123
2 minutes ago, Kitty_Ace said:

I think it depends on the person. To me, letting those I was close with know that I was asexual felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It just makes some people feel like they can finally be themselves. Society has made up their mind on what is "normal" and what is automatically "assumed". I believe that this can be really harmful and hurtful for a lot of people, so coming out seems to be a way to take hold of who you are for some people...

 

That's how I view it at least. I definitely don't think that anyone owes ANYONE else any type of explanation or "coming out", but I understand why it's a big deal for some.

 

I'm proud of embracing my asexual identity, especially after 29 years of having no idea that there was anything to explain how I felt. It's freeing.

I see it the same way. To me it was something I wanted to tell people especially my friends because I wanted them to know this about me. Because its a very important part of me and a part of me that I deal with everyday and has everyday repercussions (mental health). It was also a huge deal for me because it felt nice to know my feelings and my identity for myself and being open about it was like a way of being more confident or almost of celebrating it.

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years ago i told my brother, because i tell him everything, like "hey Jude what did you learn at school today ? - oh, I learned that i'm a raging lesbian.  - good for you boo !". when he outed me to my grandmother it scared and angered me a lot, because i was afraid that she'd be disturbed or disgusted, and i wanted the chance to handle it myself. thing is, my sexuality is "ace" and i don't think so many people need to know, but i do think a lot of people are interested in my romantic orientation. my family would probably like to know if i'm willing to marry a woman or a man, or neither : it's up to me to decide whether i'd like them to access that information, but it would be justified if i told them. apart from that some people like to be vocal about their sex life, and they probably will slip the fact that they're not straight into the conversation if it's the case. that's reasonable, i think. 

 

i'm about to say something depressing, but either my coming out will be a "hey, by the way" because it's related to the conversation, either i'll deem you too dangerous for my health for a coming-out to be safe, and i'll stay the f*ck inside. it's like when your abusive relative is really f*cking pissed and smashing things in the house and you hide in a room : the moment you live the room is special, your feelings are special. everything is eerie. so to me, coming out is important because if i come out that means i'm safe, and it's a feeling i do cherish. 

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38 minutes ago, GingerRose said:

Coming out is such an odd concept to me. 

Why is your sexual orientation any business of anyone except you, your doctor, and your potential partner?

Sex is a quiet subject. It's stigmatized, it's hushed up. It's a personal thing. 

Why tell the world? Why tell your friends? Why tell your family?

Coming out has become such a fad, that people almost feel forced to do it. People can even be "outed" these days.

Why is that a thing? Our communities have created a way for people to "free" themselves and their orientation and within that a way to hurt themselves.

If you open yourself up and share your orientation with people, expect the possibility, that you will be sharing yourself with more people than just the one you told.

If you come out, you've shared your secret, your prized identity, you can't expect it to be kept in a closed box now that you've set it free. If you want your orientation to be safe, the best place for it, is with you. You can't spoil a secret by telling yourself. Coming out is almost this magical worshipped moment, where you are telling people your sex life or lack of. *Approaches friend with silver platter, opens lid, a note beneath it reads, "Here, I just wanted you to know that my private sex life isn't the norm." Ta da*

 

Your sexual orientation is important for your potential partner (if you want a partner, ofc), but if you haven't come out, it can be more difficult for them to, like, know that you are a potential partner for them. I don't know if this makes sense xD

 

Regarding sex being a personal, quiet, secret thing... This depends for everyone, and there are a lot of factors like your culture/religion and more, but I think it is better that sex is not a taboo subject and that we can talk openly about it, if we want. 

 

My friends are super open about it. I am not. 

 

They feel comfortable talking about it, they learn from each other, if they have a bad experience they have people to talk about it. I think this is super super healthy.

 

But since I am not comfortable talking, they don't force me to talk about it. If someday I want to, I know I have a safe space with them.

 

So I really think talking about it and making it less taboo is good, but nobody should be forced to do it. 

 

For starters if we were more open (in general, as a society) we wouldn't need so many years to discover what we are 😅 that is good I think.

 

The "pressure" from society to be open to the world is bad. But nobody should feel pressure to come out to the world.

 

I have come out to 1.5 friends so far.

 

I plan to talk with a couple more about this.

 

But then there are friends that are... More superficial? That I don't feel the need to come out because we don't talk about personal stuff so I will not.

 

Nobody should feel pressured, but everyone should do it if they want to.

 

I personally don't think it's healthy in general to have taboo and secret topics. This makes learning about them, and feeling good about yourself, way harder. 

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Mina.Mina123
54 minutes ago, GingerRose said:

Coming out is such an odd concept to me. 

Why is your sexual orientation any business of anyone except you, your doctor, and your potential partner?

Sex is a quiet subject. It's stigmatized, it's hushed up. It's a personal thing. 

Why tell the world? Why tell your friends? Why tell your family?

Coming out has become such a fad, that people almost feel forced to do it. People can even be "outed" these days.

Why is that a thing? Our communities have created a way for people to "free" themselves and their orientation and within that a way to hurt themselves.

If you open yourself up and share your orientation with people, expect the possibility, that you will be sharing yourself with more people than just the one you told.

If you come out, you've shared your secret, your prized identity, you can't expect it to be kept in a closed box now that you've set it free. If you want your orientation to be safe, the best place for it, is with you. You can't spoil a secret by telling yourself. Coming out is almost this magical worshipped moment, where you are telling people your sex life or lack of. *Approaches friend with silver platter, opens lid, a note beneath it reads, "Here, I just wanted you to know that my private sex life isn't the norm." Ta da*

 

I actually found this very interesting. I never actually thought about it this way. In my friendgroups, we are all incredibly open to each other and share things like this all the time, that its pretty casual. Maybe it's because of my entourage and social circle, but I don't really see sex as a quiet thing- I mean half of the songs I hear are about sex it just feels forced often. While I get where you are coming from... and I agree that it is in fact no one else's business I think that doesn't necessarily mean limiting that information to say 3 people. For me especially it was important to tell people, especially since people tend to assume I'm straight, and that assumption generally makes me uncomfortable, and I also felt that telling my friends brought us closer. It also helped me affirm with myself my identity. 

 

I apologize I'm not quite sure what you meant here: "Our communities have created a way for people to "free" themselves and their orientation and within that a way to hurt themselves." so I cannot really answer to that.

 

I hope I have managed to clarify how I feel however, cause maybe others feel the same.

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Lord Jade Cross
On 5/10/2021 at 12:44 PM, capytton said:

 

.

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Sarah-Sylvia

It's always going to be situational too. Some environments or families are really not accepting. Whether someone wants to brave the elements or not,. that'll depend on them XD

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Lord Jade Cross
On 5/10/2021 at 12:55 PM, capytton said:

.

 

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Lord Jade Cross
On 5/10/2021 at 1:03 PM, capytton said:

.

 

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Sarah-Sylvia
21 minutes ago, capytton said:

 

 

My mother still thinks my asexuality will pass when I meet the right girl.
Come on, let them time, just do your "job".

It's not good to make people feel like they 'should' come out XD.

Especially depending on how they feel.
I had an anxiety disorder that would've made it impossible for me come out with certain things without being severely overwhelmed.
Everyone's gotta have their time and place, if they do want to come out.

I want to come out with everything to the rest of my family and friends who don't know.. eventually. But I'm taking things easy for now so that I can feel ok on the way.

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Sarah-Sylvia
8 minutes ago, capytton said:

Yes, sorry. 
Sometimes I put pressure on people even when I don't want it. It's rather a declaration of my personal desires, there are many things that I would like explain to my friends and family. But so far I do not have enough arguments and will to do it.
I don't even have an answer to a trivial question. "Maybe you're just shy and afraid of sex?"
It just baffles me...

Ah yeah, there's plenty on this site who wonder about those things as well.
I'm sure there's some who have ideas for things like that.
I think some try to explain how asexuality is a way someone can be just like other minorities, can help sometimes. That doesn't mean most people still accept it. Or it can take more time and talks.

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47 minutes ago, Mina.Mina123 said:

I actually found this very interesting. I never actually thought about it this way. In my friendgroups, we are all incredibly open to each other and share things like this all the time, that its pretty casual. Maybe it's because of my entourage and social circle, but I don't really see sex as a quiet thing- I mean half of the songs I hear are about sex it just feels forced often. While I get where you are coming from... and I agree that it is in fact no one else's business I think that doesn't necessarily mean limiting that information to say 3 people. For me especially it was important to tell people, especially since people tend to assume I'm straight, and that assumption generally makes me uncomfortable, and I also felt that telling my friends brought us closer. It also helped me affirm with myself my identity. 

 

I apologize I'm not quite sure what you meant here: "Our communities have created a way for people to "free" themselves and their orientation and within that a way to hurt themselves." so I cannot really answer to that.

 

I hope I have managed to clarify how I feel however, cause maybe others feel the same.

I feel the same as you :)

 

and also fortunate to have the friends I have. hav

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