Feeling confused and betrayed

[Sarah-Sylvia]

6 minutes ago, ConfusedCripple said:

I’m guessing the topic is going to upset her. She hasn’t taken any of our other conversations about this well. If I just drop it on her she’s going to shut down. 

Right. Well, if you ask nicely and she does react that way, then there's not much you can do. At least you'd have tried.
At that point we do get into hard territory, like being very avoidant and then.. I guess all someone could do is try an even softer approach. But yeah I understand it'd be hard to work on things with a partner if they have that much trouble talking on the matters.

[ryn2]

8 minutes ago, ConfusedCripple said:

I want to, it’s just a lot of work and it’s going to take years with a very real possibility that it won’t happen at all. No idea if or how we’ll make it that long. 

For sure, but even if the relationship turns out to be solid something could happen to her that takes her out of the caregiver business.  Someone suggested (earlier in the thread) checking into advocacy services - they can be really helpful and are generally sliding scale or free.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, ConfusedCripple said:

Tried to ask her if she’d be willing to try couples therapy with me (even though I’m still terrified, I’m hoping if someone else is there it will discourage bad therapy practices? Hopefully). 
 

Me: How are you doing today? 
 

Her: I’m okay. 
 

Me: Can we talk about stuff? 
 

Her: No, I don’t feel good 

 

🙃

 

Now what 

Maybe write it down and give it to her and say you're ready to talk about it whenever she is, but you do need a response from her eventually. Then see if she will do something? 

 

My wife can't talk things over right away. She kinda needs to think first. So, big things I tend to write and tell her I need a response within X time frame, but I'm willing to give her time to think. If I leave it open ended she will avoid. If I push for right away she shuts down. Usually takes around a week and a few reminders, but we discuss that way. 

[00000000]

48 minutes ago, Serran said:

Maybe write it down and give it to her and say you're ready to talk about it whenever she is, but you do need a response from her eventually. Then see if she will do something? 

 

My wife can't talk things over right away. She kinda needs to think first. So, big things I tend to write and tell her I need a response within X time frame, but I'm willing to give her time to think. If I leave it open ended she will avoid. If I push for right away she shuts down. Usually takes around a week and a few reminders, but we discuss that way. 

I could try? Maybe I can bring it up next time she does let me talk. I think if I sprung that on her she might take it the wrong way. 

[00000000]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

For sure, but even if the relationship turns out to be solid something could happen to her that takes her out of the caregiver business.  Someone suggested (earlier in the thread) checking into advocacy services - they can be really helpful and are generally sliding scale or free.

It’s something I’m looking into, slowly but surely working through the roadblocks. My big concern really is how to survive until then. 

[stuff]

3 hours ago, ConfusedCripple said:

Tried to ask her if she’d be willing to try couples therapy with me (even though I’m still terrified, I’m hoping if someone else is there it will discourage bad therapy practices? Hopefully). 
 

Me: How are you doing today? 
 

Her: I’m okay. 
 

Me: Can we talk about stuff? 
 

Her: No, I don’t feel good 

 

🙃

 

Now what 

I'm going to be direct and forward here and ask... where's your follow up question to her on why she's not feeling good? "Oh what's the matter?" or "Why do you not feel well now?" would be my natural follow up after that.

[00000000]

8 hours ago, stuff said:

I'm going to be direct and forward here and ask... where's your follow up question to her on why she's not feeling good? "Oh what's the matter?" or "Why do you not feel well now?" would be my natural follow up after that.

I did, she said she was tired. 

[00000000]

It’s frustrating because this is something that is weighing so heavily on me that I honestly don’t want to live anymore sometimes because I can’t take it, but she barely seems to notice how much I’m struggling, to her it’s just a big celebration. I couldn’t talk to her today because she wasn’t feeling well and she had to work a half day so I knew she wouldn’t be up for it. Probably won’t be able to for several days at least because tomorrow I’m getting my first COVID vaccine and I’m prone to side effects because of my illness, plus the effort of leaving the house alone usually takes me out for 2-4 days. My illness causes pain, extreme fatigue, confusion, memory loss, etc. so trying to hold a serious conversation while I’m having a flare up is impossible. So it could be at least another week before I’m well enough to keep trying, and then who knows how long until she actually allows me to talk to her about this, if she ever does. I may end up exploding it because that seems to be the only way anything ever gets discussed with us anymore. 

[00000000]

We were able to talk about it. She agreed to therapy, and I hope that’s good enough. I don’t know what else to do. 

[BigInvalidKitty]

She has been avoiding confronting her own reality and trying to work through the truth at your expense. She seems to be unwilling to acknowledge the pain she’s caused you—it may have been very difficult for her to, but that does not excuse ignoring how it affected you. My advice would be to have a serious/somber discussion about what you feel/have said here, and I hope it would go well. Don’t let people downplay your pain but also don’t get stuck in a mindset. Be open to revising your view of the situation, but don’t let your conflict go unresolved.

[00000000]

UPDATE: We tried therapy. Ended pretty quickly after the therapist spent the majority of a session going off on me for how hard I was making gf’s life because she is my only caregiver and didn’t care that it was upsetting me nor that getting a caregiver covered by insurance is an extremely long and difficult process. 
 

Everything is significantly worse now. I am at the end of my rope. All we do is argue. I try to be as small and unobtrusive as I can but it doesn’t help. She has mentioned leaving multiple times and almost fully broke up with me a few days ago. I am suicidal and I have no one to turn to. 
 

We had a long talk tonight because my anxiety about being left to die has been overwhelming. She says she won’t and all I can do is hope she is telling the truth. I feel like I’m being punished for being disabled and for being sad at never being able to have sex again. I have tried to get her to see things from my viewpoint and she hasn’t tried very hard to understand and has admitted as much. Nothing I say helps and she is telling me extremely confusing and contradictory things that are scaring me. She even admitted that she doesn’t know for sure if I r*ped her or not. She has withdrawn from me significantly and then the other day told me we need to start bonding again like ???? You are the one who has pushed me as far away as possible. I am terrified to touch her and she refuses to see this as anything other than a personal expression of dislike and not that I don’t want to violate her consent again. 
 

I am desperate. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m terrified to go back to therapy after yet another awful experience. At this point I can’t see any other options but to take my own life. 

[ryn2]

I’m sorry things are so s**ty and the therapist was unhelpful.

 

Can you start the process of finding a caregiver your insurance will cover?  Maybe that would help you regain some sense of control over things.

[00000000]

45 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I’m sorry things are so s**ty and the therapist was unhelpful.

 

Can you start the process of finding a caregiver your insurance will cover?  Maybe that would help you regain some sense of control over things.

I have started the process but unfortunately I have to use the state government program which means jumping through a lot of hoops to prove that I am poor and disabled enough. It will take months if not longer. 

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, ConfusedCripple said:

I have started the process but unfortunately I have to use the state government program which means jumping through a lot of hoops to prove that I am poor and disabled enough. It will take months if not longer. 

Agreed, it’s a process that really drags on.  Glad to hear it’s underway, though.

[00000000]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

Agreed, it’s a process that really drags on.  Glad to hear it’s underway, though.

Just hope I’m alive to see it through I guess. May not have that option. 

[ryn2]

7 hours ago, ConfusedCripple said:

Just hope I’m alive to see it through I guess. May not have that option. 

Agreed, although it really only matters if you’re still alive anyway so there’s that…

 

Again, I’m really sorry things suck so bad.  I know that doesn’t help but I am.