Forest Spirit Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 An article covering AVEN and the experiences of three individuals, focused on how they discovered their asexuality https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/824b3fc4-b7b5-492c-b31e-1d37730c6770 Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 Still, I find these fragments disturbing: Quote He expressed that he couldn't say it wouldn't be an issue for him in the future, but as of that point in time, he liked me for me. (...) We do have sex - undoubtedly less regularly than some couples and it was a tricky situation to navigate but this is why open conversations about sexuality are important. Some days I feel repulsed by sexual activity and I would freak out if I had to think about it. Some days I'm completely numb to it and I'm happy to engage in it to please my partner. So what's the issue for him? He's getting all the sacrifice from a person uncomfortable with sex, and still feels worried?! Yes, I realise that many allosexuals need to feel desired and not just to have sex, and desire is something an asexual can't provide. But I'm worried that, over and over, asexuals who aren't absolutely sex-repulsed are forcing themselves to endure sex. Many don't even get any pleasure from it, but are still telling themselves that they have to. That their comfort matters less. Than an allosexual peson's need for sex is stronger than their need for celibacy. (I don't know what is stronger since I don't experience sexual desire - but I don't think that it should even matter, because unwanted sex is always wrong and therefore the opinion of the partner who doesn't want to have sex, whether situationally or permanently, should always have more weight.) How could a decent person have sex with someone whom they know to get zero pleasure out of it and to feel a level of active discomfort with the process?! Do you now understand why I'm proud to have never had sex? It's not a matter of "purity", of being "better", it's a matter of being able to make a non-conformist choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Ennis Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said: So what's the issue for him? He's getting all the sacrifice from a person uncomfortable with sex, and still feels worried?! The first sentence you quoted was his reaction when she first came out to him. 1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said: How could a decent person have sex with someone whom they know to get zero pleasure out of it and to feel a level of active discomfort with the process?! I get your point but, if I understood correctly, the couple in question only have sex on days when she is not repulsed and she is happy to do it. I agree that asexuals shouldn't feel obliged to have sex, but it's not wrong for aces to agree to compromise in a mixed relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Acing It Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 8 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said: How could a decent person have sex with someone whom they know to get zero pleasure out of it and to feel a level of active discomfort with the process?! I've been wondering about that, but then realise this is something I say from my asexual perspective and I don't think I fully understand their perspective. I also agree with @Ennis though, that if the person agrees without pressure it's nothing more than a compromise. Having done a search on the BBC for more, I also found this (which no doubt features avenites): https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p06l1knq/sex-map-of-britain-series-2-3-i-dont-want-sex Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 1 hour ago, Acing It said: if the person agrees without pressure it's nothing more than a compromise. I don't want to question asexual people's agency. After all, it's their personal choice. But I find the idea that an environment free of pressure is possible quite problematic. The pressure is all around us, it has been given different names - "compulsory sexuality", "sex normativity", "allonormativity", "sexusociety", "sexual assumption"... This is why living true to your preferences - even as a sex-averse asexual, who has a stronger motivation to stay celibate (because doing otherwise would not just be contrary to their preference, it would cause them real suffering) - is a non-conformist choice: almost all sociocultural feedback we receive goes against this preference, portrays lifelong celibacy as an Impossible option. Link to post Share on other sites
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