Jump to content

Is my wife Asexual?! Please help.


TheHusband

Recommended Posts

TheHusband

Warning you this post might be long. 
 

Hi, married for 3 years and with my wife for 5 years (2 years prior to marriage) and I really need some help here, I’m new to this and not a professional, I’d love to get some input from fellow people on this forum that can give me some clarity. 


 

I grew up in a tight knit community and was very well knows by the women there, i was skinny, good looking and super charming, I slept with a lot of women in the community and I was knows to be a ‘player’ in the community by most girls there. 
 

I met my wife the first time at a friends house for a weekend, we clicked, but had no sex, we started dating after that weekend, but something really interesting happened, we didn’t have sex, didn’t even make out, nothing sexual happened our first few months, to me this was very interesting as most girls that got with me wanted one thing, sexual relations. 
 

I didn’t make much out of it and I thought since we’re both seriously Pursuing this relationship (for marriage) maybe that’s why she’s not so inclined just to sleep with me and turn the relationship into a sexual relationship only, so I went with it. 
 

after about a year I couldn’t anymore and made a bold move sexually and we started having sex, since she realized that I want is, and as her male partner demand it, she gave it to me in every way possible, we had a real good year with hood sex all the time, Until the day we got married. 
 

that’s where it all stopped. 
 

this is where you need to pay attention. 
 

we got married and it all stopped, if I didn’t ask for it - then there was no sex, but not ‘no sex for a week’, this could go on for 2 months, if I didn’t ask I didn’t get, even when I did ask I sometimes got ‘I’m not in the mood’ let’s do it tomorrow’ I just ate’ etc. I’ve found myself in a one sided sexual relationship with basically my wife showing absolutely zero interest in sex, and it changed drastically right after we got married.

 

Theres more, when we do have sex, Unlike like before our marriage, there’s absolutely no intimacy, kissing, making out, nothing, it really really feels like all she’s doing is a favor and letting me have sex with her, like ‘let’s just get it over with’. 
 

theres more, me and my wife have an amazing relationship, funny right? But we have a really really good relationship, we cuddle, snuggle, laugh and tease each other, buy each-other gifts, do each-other good deeds, I really love her whole heartedly and I truly believe that she does me too. 
 

so it’s mind boggling to me, we have a really really good relationship but we have absolutely no sex, it came to a point where it doesn’t feel good for me to ask her for sex, it’s like I know she’s only doing me a favor. 
 

have you spoken to her about it? Have you ever brought this issue up??? Yesssss. I have. But she doesn’t have a real answer. When I asked her if she might be asexual she took it very very personal so I didn’t bring it up again. 
 

I even asked her once as a joke of she would be mad if I sleep with Someone else and she said she absolutely wouldn’t, I thought she was kidding, but when I brought it up again a few weeks later she made sure I’m aware that she wasn’t kidding. 
 

so basically, In short, 5 years married, good sex (with this women) till we got married, then a full stop, great great relationship, we both love each other, no sex for month unless if I ask her and even then it feels like a favor. 
 

 

i’d love to hear from you guys what you think. Thanks In advance. 
 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia

Hi.
There's definitely some people on the asexual spectrum who've talked about a situation like this (but on the other side), so it's definitely possible, or at the very least she being a lot less sexual. Some women do end not caring about sex as much as their male partner and may be more picky and have to be in the mood, but she sounds quite a bit less sexual. And considering that you say your relationship together is great besides that, then it's not just about how she feels in general or about the relationship. She may not care about sex for intimacy. Which falls in line with asexuality.
The reason there's an asexual spectrum is because some aren't strictly asexual, and may be able to have a bit of interest in sex, or for some time, or in rare conditions, but in general it's not something they are drawn to. I'm graysexual myself, and I wanted to have sex in the past, thought it would be something for me, but in the end I cared less and less for it and eventually realized it's not that important to me, and can actually be boring. To me intimacy is in affection and cuddling and feeling close and good and love between me and my partner.

Maybe that feels familiar. At the very least I can relate in terms of being much less sexual than normal, and finding that sexuality isn't important to me compared to love and affection itself. And I'm sorry it's been distressing to you. Someone sexual can put a lot more into sex, for it's meaning. That meaning is something that someone who's a lot less sexual, or on the asexual spectrum, can't relate to. So she doesn't understand how hard it is on you. Just like it can be probably hard for you to understand how she doesn't put meaning there. (but doesn't mean she feels less in the connection of the relationship)

I hope that talking on the forum can help either or both of you to understand each other better, and that you can find things that help. It's already quite something that she'd be ok with you sleeping with someone else, not a lot of people are comfortable with that, so that's at least one extra avenue that you have in terms of options. The most important may be for you two to understand each other, that can help her understand too, that the way you feel about intimacy in sex is different from hers, and has bigger meaning to you. Sometimes someone asexual can enjoy the intimacy in sex. Maybe not always, and it never has to be forced, but maybe there's a certain way or amount that she can connect to. It all takes communication and understanding.

Hope that helps a little :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
spencexists

Look dude, the only way to really know is to ask her to sit down with you and have a serious conversation. If she refuses, great she is entitled to do that, but maybe just tell her you feel you need to talk. Based on what you've told me, your partner could be ace, she might be on the ace spectrum and doesn't know it, she might know she is on the ace spectrum and not feel ready to come out, she might just have a low libido, or maybe shes just tired or something idk I've never had sex. Remember, sex without love can exist so so can love without sex. Also, she might not know the proper definition of asexual (I myself used to confuse it with  aromantic)  so asking her outright might not work. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
chris_error

She sounds like she could potentially be on the asexuality spectrum. Maybe gray ace (in the gray area of asexuality). It could also just be low libido.

(Idk what other factors are in her life or all the details, I don't know her personally.)

3 hours ago, TheHusband said:

When I asked her if she might be asexual she took it very very personal so I didn’t bring it up again.

I'm guessing she isn't very aware of asexuality in general? She probably felt embarrassed and deficient, considering being sexual is seen as expected.

If you want to bring it up to her again, I'd suggest emphasizing you're perfectly fine with it. (At least, assuming you are.) Don't talk about it like it's a problem.

You could recommend her to read and learn more about asexuality, even if she isn't asexual herself. Purely for academic sake. It's always good to learn.

(If the asexuality is a problem for you, I'm sorry you had to realize this after your marriage.)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Mm, we can't say for certain since we don't know your wife personally, but based on what you've said, it's definitely possible. Some asexuals are willing to 'give' sex at the beginning of a relationship due to 'new relationship energy' as it's often called (aka, limerence). Some may enjoy certain aspects of it, but most people who aren't wired to actively desired partnered sex will grow less and less enthusiastic about bothering to have it as time goes on. I think some genuinely do believe they'll find a way to keep being okay with it or maybe bank on getting used to it or finding out they're not asexual after all, and I think unfortunately others try to conceal their lack of desire on purpose until a serious commitment like marriage is made, at which point they think it's fine to cease having a sex life. (Of course no means no, so I'm absolutely NOT saying they should force themselves or be forced by their partner, but intentional deception is definitely a fairly cruel thing to do to someone.)

 

So yeah, can't say exactly what the case is with your wife... but regardless, it'll probably be helpful to you to think of her as asexual.

 

Also if you've not discovered it yet, there's the Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies section of the forum. You'll find many others there in similar situations.

Link to post
Share on other sites
DemonicEnby

She might be on the spectrum, as was mentioned before. 

 

It might also be that she is aware and is deeply embarrassed or upset by it, it might be seen as "not being able to satisfy her husband" which is generally viewed as a failure or a very unfavourable thing. 

 

There are also various other reasons as to why it might be a good idea to start a tentative talk, pressure might just make her stonewall you for the principle of it. And for even suggesting something might be "wrong" with her. 

 

Good luck to you both, hope you'll be able to find a working solution for you both. 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Janus the Fox

Moved to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

 

Janus DarkFox

Current Policy Administrator, Covering Tea and Sympathy/(h)AVEN, Asexual Musings and Rantings

Link to post
Share on other sites

Asexuality might be an answer, but there could be other explanations, like routine setting in or just a low libido. It would be very hard from the outside to see if your spouse is asexual or not as one's orientation is not written on their forehead. Maybe a couple therapist or a sexologist could help out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...