Am I weird for wanting to be different?

[Weirdo101]

Maybe its just because I've had a really high anxiety couple of days and I've been overthinking everything, but like, I'm so lost right now. I never thought sexuality could be this difficult to deal with. Or, at least, I never thought I would have so much difficulty with it. 

 

I thought I was pansexual for the longest time, and then suddenly I got into my first real relationship, and starting thinking that was maybe asexual, but very recently I've started thinking I might be aromantic also and I just feel kind of pathetic? I'm terrible with words, but like, I really love my boyfriend. I really do, but, I don't love him the way I want to love him, and I don't love him the way he wants me to love him.  And I feel like our relationship is probably going to end in the near future because I don't want to do any of the things he wants to do, like kissing and cuddling, and probably, eventually, sex I guess. And I just feel like such a failure because he's been patient and wonderful with me every step of our relationship but I don't think I will ever be enough for him and that hurts me, and its gunna hurt him, which will hurt me even more. And so sometimes, at times like this, I really wish I could be different. I wish I could be romantic, and I want to want to kiss him and hug him and hold his hand, but I cant make myself feel things.

 

There is already a popular thread on the forums about whether people would change their sexuality if they could, and it seemed to me that the popular consensus was that no, no one wanted to change themselves. And I know that there isn't really a "normal" or a "how I'm supposed to feel", but I'm just having a rough time right now I guess and would appreciate some validation or confirmation or advice or anything really if that might be ok.

[Acing It]

5 minutes ago, Weirdo101 said:

There is already a popular thread on the forums about whether people would change their sexuality if they could, and it seemed to me that the popular consensus was that no, no one wanted to change themselves.

People not wanting to change their sexuality doesn't mean they never doubted themselves or were in the same position you are right now. It very much sounds like you're in the middel of trying to figure out where you fit in and where you are right now. I think it's important to go with the flow almost and see where it takes you rather than trying to figure yourself out completely 'by tomorrow'. I feel it's very much a process instead of a light bulb coming on and you can only do what you can do, the rest will reveal itself in due time and what you are going through right now very much sounds like that's what's happening. You're not a failure, you're human and you're not weird. If you are, then we all are 🙂

I wouldn't pre-empt things about your relationship either. It is what it is and pre-empting things can make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy I think, if that makes sense. You are you 🙂

[rebis]

I'm afraid I don't really have any advice, but nah, you are not weird for wanting to be different. You know, keep in mind that even being aware of or researching "asexual" is not something the majority of the population has done, then add in the filter of finding AVEN, registering, and posting with any kind of regularity -- just with all of those filters, you've already created a sampling population that will be heavily biased towards asexuality being a big thumbs up, particularly since one would be pretty unlikely to do any of the above if their own life experience hadn't already made the label "asexual" seem like a good fit.

 

Guess I'm just saying, I am aware of the thread that you refer to, but you shouldn't let the majority responses there make you feel like you're weird, for not being simply ecstatic that attraction and romance don't seem to work for you, the same that they do for your partner or for others in your life. You are far from alone, in wishing you could just want some kind person who sincerely wants you, or wishing you could love someone who loves you, in a way that would make them feel loved in return. Frustration and heartache over not being able to do that, to just make your heart/emotions go in the direction your mind would like -- that's really a pretty universal experience, really not even limited to those on the aro/ace spectrum. Our hearts and minds make us rather complicated creatures, and this unfortunately makes confusion and pain as common an experience in exploring our connections with one another as our potential happiness and joy in the same.

 

Anyway, as I say, I have no relationship advice, but I can say with certainty, you needn't feel weird, for wishing you could be different. You are far from alone in that, at least.

[Red Sun Rises]

I think a lot of us can understand and have experienced (at some point) the wanting to be different than we are.  When I was in high school, back when I thought asexual was just plant reproduction, I desperately wanted to feel like everyone else.  I had horrible, horrible anxiety about marriage, sex, and romance because I didn't feel those kinds of attraction (although at the time I didn't realize that was what was happening) and I felt that it was my duty to go through the motions & do all those things anyway.  Sometimes I do think it would be easier to just be sexual of some kind. 

 

I think the people on these threads who are happy with their sexuality (which now includes me after much soul-searching) are people who have made the journey to feeling that way.  They didn't just begin life there, they had to get there and work to accept themselves.  Just keep working with yourself and trying to figure out how you experience life & love.   

[KayleeK]

On 5/8/2021 at 5:14 PM, Weirdo101 said:

There is already a popular thread on the forums about whether people would change their sexuality if they could, and it seemed to me that the popular consensus was that no, no one wanted to change themselves. And I know that there isn't really a "normal" or a "how I'm supposed to feel", but I'm just having a rough time right now I guess and would appreciate some validation or confirmation or advice or anything really if that might be ok.

Well I wouldn't mind changing and being "normal." I've always felt like a freak - for many reasons, but partly because I don't know how to have relationships and the idea of sex scares me. Also i'm not into kissing and physical affection. 

I guess you need to talk with your boyfriend about how you're feeling. If you really dont want physical intimacy/sex etc with him then best he knows and he can decide whether thats something he can live with or not.