Relationship with Best Friend

[Siph]

I'm just posting a mini rant here to get some feelings out, though if anyone has advice or comments they're welcome.

 

I had a long talk with my best friend about how I have really strong platonic feelings sometimes for people, especially for them, and I really like the idea of being in a qpr. They still didn't understand really what a QPR is even though I'd tried explaining it briefly other times, so a lot of the conversation was spent talking about and explaining that.

 

But it turns out that they just cannot understand my strong feelings for them. They do love me as a friend but they've never had platonic feelings for ANYONE strong enough to want anything close to a qpr, and they've never felt like they'd want to commit to or spend the rest of their life with someone they didn't have romantic or sexual feelings for.

 

I honestly am not surprised they don't feel the same way I do, we've talked about similar things in the past that gave me that impression, but I still had some hope til now. On one hand I'm a little relieved that the difference in feelings between us is just something they just can't help, and not something I've been doing wrong. And like, knowing they don't feel as strongly about me as I feel about them isn't gonna change my feelings about them. I am incredibly happy to have them as my best friend. But on the other hand it still makes me sad that we don't really feel the same way about each other and no matter how well I explain how I feel to them they just won't really be able to understand on more than an intellectual level.

 

At this point I'm mostly just hoping that being open and honest with how we feel about each other will strengthen our current friendship even if it's not quite the type of relationship I'd personally like with them. I love them so much, what I want the most is just to make them happy

 

 

[Acing It]

We can all just give what we have to give and them not feeling the same doesn't need to mean they are feeling you are a lesser friend. Maybe their equivalent of your feelings is what they are feeling now. At least they undestood and didn't laugh what you said off or rejected it or you. That's really good and it's good to be able to talk about that to them, which makes it sound like they are a true friend. I'm happy for you in that sense and sad that it can't be more for you.

[SleuthArt]

❤️ I hope the relationship develops in a good way, even if it's not exactly what you were hoping. And life has a weird way of working out sometimes

[nanogretchen4]

I think part of the problem may be that the definition of "qpr" has shifted over time. The term may have been created to describe exceptionally strong and enduring best friend relationships that already existed, especially when that friendship, rather than a romantic or familial relationship, was the primary relationship in at least one of the friends' lives. Friendships like that tend to develop naturally over time when they develop at all. Sexual and romantic people are usually quite capable of strong platonic friendships, so relationships like this can work out between a romantic sexual and an aromantic and/or asexual person, if the friendship develops naturally and is not exclusive in a way that prevents the romantic sexual partner from also having a romantic sexual relationship with someone else.

 

Now, a "qpr" usually seems to mean an exclusive mixed orientation relationship that would deny one of the partners the opportunity to get their sexual and romantic needs met either within or outside of the platonic friendship. One friend often tries to make this type of relationship happen by contractual agreement rather than waiting to see if both friends naturally develop feelings of intense platonic devotion to each other. This type of "qpr" is a lot less likely to work between between people with incompatible orientations. If an aroace is looking for an exclusive, formally committed qpr comparable to a platonic marriage, the best bet might be to "date" other aroaces to find a suitable platonic life partner, in much the same way that many sexuals date people with compatible orientations with the long-term goal of finding a marriage partner.