Going from Allo to Ace?

[Gribble Gribble]

TW: Sexual content, including mention of specific acts and childhood exploration.

Hi guys, I just want to preface this by saying I absolutely support asexual people and the validity of asexuality as an orientation you are born with. If anything here is badly written or aphobic please let me know and I'll edit immediately. I know I conflate libido and sexual attraction here a bit, I know that asexuality isn't a lack of libido it's just the decline of both has been linked in my case and it seemed relevant.

Basically I'm feeling confused and alone right now and I was hoping to get some advice or maybe speak to someone with a similar experience.

Background: I am 30F and I've never considered myself asexual before, as I've always had a high sex drive, crushed on a lot of people, and been crazy sexually attracted to my partners. As a kid I was a bit obsessed with the idea of sex (started masturbating probably around 7-8, wanted 'sex' even though I didn't fully understand what that meant) and I had my first crush at 11. In my long term relationships as a teen and an adult, I was always the person with the higher sex drive and I was crazy attracted to my partners (certainly to the point of ignoring their shittier qualities in once case!). Like I couldn't hang out with them without wanting to jump their bones, cuddling always turned into sex etc.

The Change: Around 3 years ago I started to get really tired all the time, sleeping 14+ hours and getting really bad brain fog. This got worse until early 2019 when it was bad enough I was no longer able to work and I was diagnosed with CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). Then midway through 2019, I noticed I'd been having a lot less sex, and that it was actually my partners (husband and girlfriend) initiating sex and me not being interested. When I did have sex, I didn't get the brain-burning horniness I used to get, it was more just... mechanical. As time went on it even felt weird to kiss my partners, like kissing a family member, and sex just seemed... icky. Stuff that I previously enjoyed like giving head or going down began to actively gross me out and I dreaded my partners initiating stuff.

Now: I don't feel sexually attracted to anyone, the idea of sex grosses me out and I only seem to have a sex drive in my sleep (occasional sex dreams). It's like... not only is that door in my brain closed, it's been completely wallpapered over so that even remembering what I used to be like is strange and it feels like a different person. I've tried to explain to doctors and they've said that low libido is a potential symptom of CFS and depression, and my anti-depressants could be causing it. But I've been on anti-depressants since I was 18 and it's never been like this - it's NOT just a loss of libido, it's a loss of sexual attraction for anyone which is very different! They've tested my hormones and done an ultrasound to check for anything wrong physically but everything seems normal.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has a similar experience, and if they have any advice to offer? Obviously this has put strain on my relationships and I've actually broken up with my girlfriend, but my husband has always had a lower sex drive so it's been less of an issue for him. I'm also wondering like, I've always identified as bisexual but I suppose I'm not anymore? Is it okay to label myself as asexual when the cause is likely medical, or is that appropriative? Just interested to hear your feedback really. If there's anything I need to add or clarify, please let me know. Thank you in advance!

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hii.

Sorry you've experienced that change, if it's distressing in any way.
Fatigue and depression can affect libido quite hard. I know that personally. Libido can involve sexual attraction in the sense that having none you won't feel desire for sex, so no pull in that way to people. So if there's a lot of tied to it, then it could make those things unappealing. I have very low libido now again, and all the interests around that went even lower than they already were. I'll mention though that it didn't change my love of kissing at all, and that might be because to me it's not something sexual, it's romantic and affectionate.

I'm not in bad health besides some depression and tiredness, so I still have my romantic drive even if I don't have the one for sex. But depression can affect how we feel about other things, so it could be possible that it's affecting how you feel around relationships in general too.

Typically, loss of sex drive is not considered asexual. But, there are some non-libidoist who do like to use the term asexual because they think they'll never have desire for sex and are effectively asexual.
I think the real question is whether you think you'd gain from using the label even though it may be medically caused. If you see yourself as someone sexual who's not fully herself, then maybe not, but if you feel like this is who you are, and want to see the lack of a pull to sexuality as part of you and your orientation, then I would say it would make sense to consider the label. A few people might disagree because of asexuality being thought as an orientation, but you're the only one who can decide what you describe yourself as.

In my case, I don't even use the term graysexual outside of asexual circles, I just say I'm not sexual. I find it easier, but i have sometimes explained gray and asexuality to close friends.

[R_1]

Former allosexual.

 

I wouldn't say I had that high of a sexual interest back then, but it was very much there to the point where I know I am sexual, and if I were to feel attraction, I would instantly know. The fatigue is something I relate to because I had been quite fatigued for a decade, and that's also the time when I went into the ace phase through no choice of my own. If you feel that you won't experience desire or sexual attraction, and it has been a long time, then it's possible you may be ace for the rest of your life. In my case, nothing and nothing will convince me to not use asexual label as for all intents and purposes, I am one and the same as asexual who are born that way.

[Snao Cone]

@Sarah-Sylvia gave a really good explanation and advice on how to assess your situation. There's a difference between orientation and your current state of being. If your change in sex drive is distressing, or making you feel like you're missing something in life, that's distinct from what most asexuals experience, and the concept of asexuality as an orientation may not best represent you.

 

However, like in @R_1's case, there are people who were sexual at some point and just fundamentally feel like that's changed, in a permanent way, which makes the asexual label represent them better than others. You will come across many debates of whether this is "valid" or not that could influence how you ultimately decide to express this change, but I think your perspective and consideration for this matter demonstrates that you understand asexuality well enough to bond with the asexual community in a meaningful way. Sometimes settling on a word to use takes longer than coming to be at peace with these changes.

 

There's the technicalities of a meaning of a word, and then there's the way it leads people to reflect on themselves. Asexuality is not a medical condition or a symptom of one. It's a natural orientation that some people just grow into. (I hesitate to use the term "born that way" for philosophical reasons, but I mean it in the same sense that gay or straight people's orientations are natural to them.) That doesn't mean, though, that everyone neatly fits that process. If you relate to the asexual experience because it seems completely natural to you now that you don't desire sex with other people for intrinsic reasons then, whatever label you use, you'll probably fit in with the asexual community in many ways. If this is now who you are and you accept it, you might feel alienated by allonormativism and want to find reassurance here, and that's totally fine.

[hypnopompic]

1 minute ago, Snao Cone said:

You will come across many debates of whether this is "valid" or not that could influence how you ultimately decide to express this change, but I think your perspective and consideration for this matter demonstrates that you understand asexuality well enough to bond with the asexual community in a meaningful way.

It makes me sad that people feel entitled to debate if someone's identity is "valid" or not. If you want to label yourself as asexual and feel like your experience and feelings align with the asexual community, who in their right mind would come at you to tell you otherwise? Others should not have a say in the way you perceive your sexuality (or lack thereof).

[Snao Cone]

40 minutes ago, hypnopompic said:

It makes me sad that people feel entitled to debate if someone's identity is "valid" or not. If you want to label yourself as asexual and feel like your experience and feelings align with the asexual community, who in their right mind would come at you to tell you otherwise? Others should not have a say in the way you perceive your sexuality (or lack thereof).

It's more the concepts that are debated than individual cases, but that doesn't always help people feel better. 

[Arctangent]

I think you got some great advice above with regards to exploring the possibility of a medical explanation. I just wanted to chime in that I've also experienced periods where I felt like my orientation is changing. It's something I've thought about a lot myself, so I thought I would share my feelings in case it's helpful to someone.

 

The gist of it: For several years of my life, I identified as asexual, full stop. I had no interest in sex at all and related a lot to the experiences of other asexual people, so the label made sense at the time. Then I went through a period where I felt more desire for sex than I did previously. It felt like something fundamentally changed about myself, so I decided that the asexual label didn't fit anymore. Since then, I've gone through periods of identifying as grey-ace or "not-very-sexual sexual." At this point, my history is so complicated that I don't really identify as anything in particular.

 

Through all this, I've often wondered: did my sexual orientation actually fundamentally change, or was it just my perception of it that changed as I gained more experiences? Was I wrong about myself when I identified as asexual before? Ultimately, I don't think I can know for certain. However, I do feel that as long as I have a handle on how I feel right now,  am not distressed with my experiences of attraction/desire (or lack thereof), and can articulate how I feel and how that might change to those for whom it matters (e.g. intimate partners/friends) then it's not too important what the most "objectively accurate" label is. This isn't to say that labels should be entirely avoided necessarily; they can still be useful for helping to communicate how you feel or felt at a given time in your life. For example, right now I feel like I'm back in a more grey-asexual headspace, and I can relate to the feeling that my past sexual interest has been "wallpapered over" (really cool analogy, by the way!).

 

In summary, not everyone relates to the concept of being "born this way," and that's okay. For some of us, the reality is more complicated. My feeling is that, any sort of definition debates aside, the fact that you felt differently in the past (and, perhaps, may feel differently in the future) doesn't invalidate how you feel right now. For me, I've found it's useful to accept my current feelings while remaining open to the possibility of future change - that feels like a good compromise between never being able to feel certain about how to describe myself and pigeonholing myself into one identity. Disclaimer: this is just how I personally feel, I don't claim to know what is best for you or anyone else. 🙂