I wish I could be out and proud

[valholla13]

For a while in my early twenties I identified as asexual but due to a hard bout of mental health issues I became extremely confused about my sexuality to the point where I decided to be unlabeled for a while. I think I'm asexual, or at the least in the asexual spectrum. I have no interest in sex with men (I'm a woman) and although I find lesbian sex erotic in a fetishy way I don't think I have any actual interest in sex with women either. I think I could be biromantic and last year I came out to my family as bisexual. Everyone was really accepting but something felt...wrong. I felt like I was lying. Because deep down I knew I was ace. 

 

Now I wish I could be out and proud of being asexual but I've still got a ton of internalized aphobia. I'm embarrassed of my own sexuality. I'm ashamed people will think I'm just trying to be special. I've tentatively come out to my mom and a couple of my friends and their reactions were discouraging. Bar one friend, they all more or less reacted with some version of "you haven't met the right person yet." It just made me why myself in the closet all over again. 

 

I don't think I'll come out again except to any future partner. But there's just something that feels very unauthentic about my existence at this time. 

 

I'm just wondering if other people have felt this way too. Ashamed of being ace because it's a "snowflake" sexuality. 

[AW1286]

I completely empathise and feel like you’re basically me except you’re braver and managed to say to people you may be bi. I feel like my journey at this point has to focus on me accepting myself and then I’ll deal with approaching everyone else later. But it feels quite lonely, doesn’t it?

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, valholla13 said:

I'm just wondering if other people have felt this way too. Ashamed of being ace because it's a "snowflake" sexuality. 

What is so "snowflake" about reminding others that some people don't desire sex as part of their relationships?

A lot of sex normativity, sexual pressure, invalidation, belief that asexuality is a disorder, also belief that asexuality is extraordinarily rare (a minority orientation, sure - but I don't agree that it's "extraordinarily rare" and don't believe in the 1% statistic), hinges on just that: people not knowing any asexuals, or rather - not realising that they know such people because a lot of asexuals are in the closet or even don't realise themselves that they are asexual. This kind of relationship between personal contact and acceptance has been proven many times in case of homosexuality: people who personally know an openly gay person are usually less homophobic, less likely to believe vile myths about gays and condescending myths about lesbians...The same could happen in case of asexuality: the only way for it not being perceived as a "snowflake", as just being confused and "not having found the right person", is by coming out and standing by your view that you are asexual even if people try to attribute it to something else.

 

And anyway, I deeply believe that everyone is a special snowflake. In the sense that everyone is special, everyone is unique, everyone has a rich and interesting inner life and even if such a term may be useful, strictly speaking there is no such thing as "ordinary people" because nothing is ordinary.

[deathreads]

Feeling you! I'm actually scared to wear my asexuality shirt out now because my neighbors began to scream at me through my window over it and I get physical threats when I go out! ( I was raped already, thanks) Oh, but of course, we aren't discriminated against in anyway....

[deathreads]

2 hours ago, AW1286 said:

completely empathise and feel like you’re basically me except you’re braver and managed to say to people you may be bi. I feel like my journey at this point has to focus on me accepting myself and then I’ll deal with approaching everyone else later. But it feels quite lonely, doesn’t it?

I've had to do the same thing. People freak out at me writing, like I'm trying to change the world, but I'm just trying to get through fucking everyday. Thanks for giving it extra power by freaking out at it ,though...seriously...people freak out at me writing...because they don't want an asexual to have any influence over anything...they don't want us to exist at all...but we DO!

[deathreads]

Also, no it has nothing to do with being a special snowflake. I wish I had normal sexuality so people wouldn't abuse me as much. I tried to conform and be an allosexual, and now my genitalia are literally extremely scared because I can't respond normally! If social justice was real, the people that dismiss asexuality should have their genitalia extremely scarred because that's what happens when you don't respond to sex normally and you try to force it anyway because society has brainwashed you into believing you should.

[deathreads]

imagine if someone with some other rare genetic condition was treated like an asexual...in fact they probably are, unless the medical community cares about it enough to pay attention to it. People with anomalies aren't trying to be special...they probably with they didn't have them because they are abused over it.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I think asexuality really is something hard to come out as. It can be misunderstood and dismissed which sucks.
One way I thought to come out as though is biromantic. Really, for me it's only important that I mention being ace-spec to my partners. If I say I'm bi-romantic, then I feel like I'm being honest and also there's less chance of it being dismissed, because it's true I'm romantic and if they ask why I say it that way I don't mind saying I am and that I'm not sexual. I feel like most of the time that'd be understood, and if they want to dismiss the sexuality part then whatever I don't care. Not too much anyway.

I understand the feeling though, because for a very long time I wouldn't have been able to talk about being how I am. Though I guess for me the bigger thing to come out as for me (being trans) took my focus and the rest doesn't seem as difficult, if I wanted to. Coming out to friends is the easier start. Accepting ones. And I think that can help feel some support and more.

[Perin]

In my part of the world, people just don’t know what asexuality is really, and if I throw in the word ‘neutrois’, they’re completely lost. Like I’ve texted a few people tht word and they text back ‘what’s tht?’  Ffs. They’ve got google!!! I kinda get fed up doing all the leg work. 
 

there are certain ppl I’m not even bothering to tell bc they will just go blank or say I’m talking crap or worst of all start a rant on ‘you shld get treatment for tht’. No ty. 
 

people who are ignorant and/or too lazy to educate themselves are not my type. 

having said all tht, there are some who are rly supporting to the point of cheering me on. My ex being one. Yesterday she said ‘you’ve spent too long denying it, embrace it!!!’.

 She’s also turned into my shopping advisor. She chooses some  pretty neat unisex clothes lol!!!! 😊

 

/r

[Kilyawan]

First off, welcome to AVEN!! Cake for you!! 🎂🎂🎂

 

I'm so sorry you had that experience. The closet (or the deck as some aces would call it lol) has always been there to protect us and it can be really discouraging when you're met with invalidation by others when you yourself are still exploring your sexuality. I'm only out to my trusted friends and not even to my own family for personal reasons. 

 

If asexuality is a label you think suits you, then the first step, I think, is for you to be comfortable with it. Your identity is nothing to be ashamed of!! Treasure that friend of yours who accepted you for who you are and hopefully you'll find community here too  < 3

[Mezzo Forte]

Sorry to hear about your struggles with internalized aphobia. That's never fun to deal with.  I think one challenge is that folks expect you to "get it right" the first time you come out, or they'll use the extra levels of self-exploration as ammunition against you. It'd be nice if more people got to know what the questioning process looked like or understood that it can take time trying on different labels (sometimes for years) before figuring out the best fit to describe your experiences.

 

Asexuality is an especially tricky one to communicate, as even coming out in the most "ideal" of scenarios will still lead to in validation. I honestly spent years in what I called Schrodinger's Closet because I never explicitly told people I was ace, but never did anything to explicitly hide my orientation (or pretend to be something I'm not) either. That said, people got really nosy about my orientation when I started gender transition, and even as someone who confidently knew I was ace casually disclosing my Asexuality, folks still insisted that I *must* be gay and that I must just be convincing myself that I'm ace because I (according to them) must lack self-esteem and must hate my body because I'm trans. I found folks in my life who were affirming of my orientation though, and that made it easier to say "fuck off" to the naysayers. (Even if the "you must be gay" rhetoric did get to me since I wanted to see how testosterone would impact my orientation, and I was frustrated that I couldn't explore that aspect of myself in peace.) That said, this is coming from the person who didn't come out as trans until I was 7+ months into testosterone therapy because I was terrified of people saying "no you're not" or otherwise rejecting or invalidating me, as my gender journey was a far more vulnerable experience for me than discovering my asexuality. 

 

If I had to guess, it sounds like you might still be at a vulnerable stage of self-discovery, even after recognizing your asexuality. It's exciting, but new, and there seems to be folks in your life who are putting a damper on your enthusiasm because of their own unfamiliarity with the orientation. My years spent privately identifying as ace helped me feel quite confident in my orientation long before folks had a chance to tell me otherwise. That said, your experience is not mine, nor would I suggest that you actively use my approach as a tactic to engage with your own situation. Still, I hope you can engage with more asexual spaces and find more confidence in your identity so you can be as open and proud as you want to be online and offline

[nanogretchen4]

It sounds like to some extent you are still questioning exactly where you are on the asexual spectrum, and also your romantic orientation. If you were out to your family and friends as asexual, then you came out as bisexual, and then you came out to some of them as asexual again, you may have reached a point of diminishing returns in coming out to the same people. It's not so bad that your family thinks you are bisexual. If and when you get into a serious long-term relationship, your family is prepared to be introduced to a partner of whatever gender. And your family really doesn't need to know the details of the sex you are or aren't having.