jimmy_corrigan Posted May 5, 2021 Share Posted May 5, 2021 Hi everyone! New here. So I'm done with coming out as gay to other people because they always misunderstand. Anytime I say I'm gay everyone thinks I want to have sex with guys and that's just not true. I guess I can't even be considered homosexual since I'm mostly aromantic and have almost no desire for romance. It's just I've never felt straight either, so a gay label always felt to fit better with me. But now I'm just tired of it. Now I just say I'm asexual. Period. Otherwise I think people will never understand. Even if I say I'm gay AND asexual, they usually still don't get it. It's like they don't even listen to the asexual part or just dismiss it because they think it's not a real thing... It hurts a bit particularly coming from the LGBT community, you would expect them to be more open-minded... Oh well... Sorry for the rant, I just needed to vent a bit. All I ever wanted was a platonic relationship like some kind of strong and deep friendship. That's it, really. Otherwise, I'll just be petting my dog. Link to post Share on other sites
EineKleineNachtmusik Posted May 5, 2021 Share Posted May 5, 2021 9 minutes ago, jimmy_corrigan said: All I ever wanted was a platonic relationship like some kind of strong and deep friendship. That's it, really. Otherwise, I'll just be petting my dog. Why "otherwise"? It sounds really sad, like taking the worse of 2 options. In my opinion dogs > humans. Link to post Share on other sites
jimmy_corrigan Posted May 5, 2021 Author Share Posted May 5, 2021 5 minutes ago, EineKleineNachtmusik said: Why "otherwise"? It sounds really sad, like taking the worse of 2 options. In my opinion dogs > humans. True! Dogs are better but sometimes I'd like a platonic friend too. I guess it's just harder for humans to love unconditionally the way dogs do. I know I can always count with her though. Link to post Share on other sites
Fibbin Posted May 5, 2021 Share Posted May 5, 2021 Little confusing, you are gay and almost aromantic and asexual? Then what does the ''gay'' mean? Would u like explain for me? Link to post Share on other sites
jimmy_corrigan Posted May 5, 2021 Author Share Posted May 5, 2021 4 minutes ago, Fibbin said: Little confusing, you are gay and almost aromantic and asexual? Then what does the ''gay'' mean? Would u like explain for me? It means I prefer the company of guys, I'd like hugging and give hands and such. Maybe a kiss on the cheek if we really loved each other. But that's it. I know I sound like a nine year old lol but that's my idea of it! Maybe I was just naive. I was really shocked when I realized people thought being gay = anal sex. I was like... wait noo... that's not what i mean at all. But now, with the passage of time I find myself to be mostly aromantic, I just don't care much for romance anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
EineKleineNachtmusik Posted May 5, 2021 Share Posted May 5, 2021 8 minutes ago, Fibbin said: Little confusing, you are gay and almost aromantic and asexual? Then what does the ''gay'' mean? Would u like explain for me? I think this is exactly the problem author described in the first post. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia Posted May 5, 2021 Share Posted May 5, 2021 Something like being an oriented aroace would definitely be misunderstood since it's pretty far down the ace rabbit hole lol. Not to laugh at the situation though. I just think it's rare someone could understand it unless they know quite a bit about ace and aro stuff. Not sure what someone could use as a term, besides saying they like the company of guys platonically. Link to post Share on other sites
jimmy_corrigan Posted May 5, 2021 Author Share Posted May 5, 2021 3 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said: Something like being an oriented aroace would definitely be misunderstood since it's pretty far down the ace rabbit hole lol. Not to laugh at the situation though. I just think it's rare someone could understand it unless they know quite a bit about ace and aro stuff. Not sure what someone could use as a term, besides saying they like the company of guys platonically. You're right, and I don't really judge people for not understanding. Maybe there should be a better term for it instead of "gay". I'm just tired of explaining it, that's all. That's why I just say I'm asexual now and that maybe we can be good friends! Link to post Share on other sites
EineKleineNachtmusik Posted May 5, 2021 Share Posted May 5, 2021 4 minutes ago, jimmy_corrigan said: You're right, and I don't really judge people for not understanding. Maybe there should be a better term for it instead of "gay". I'm just tired of explaining it, that's all. That's why I just say I'm asexual now and that maybe we can be good friends! Not sure if this is 100% related to this subject. Also, not sure if the right term is "empathy", but most people have reduced "empathy". As an example, I've read a story that one asexual girl was shocked when she discovered that people sending messages like "let's have fun tonight" were talking exclusively about sex... she thought they were talking about video games, sport or something similar. For me it was also... a shocking and disturbing discovery. If I would send a message to somebody else, let's have fun tonight together, 90% it would mean that we are going to play Heroes of Might and Magic and 10%... some other game or eating pizza. Link to post Share on other sites
Barbio Posted May 5, 2021 Share Posted May 5, 2021 Funnily enough, I'm the exact opposite: sometimes I'll just say "I'm gay" in a passing context because it's quicker & more universally understood than explaining what aroace means to each and every person who asks, since a lot of people aren't familiar with the concept. If I'm talking to someone who's more than just a low-level acquaintance, then I might take the time to actually explain my identity to them... but if it's just some passing stranger, then I don't care what they think I mean when I say "I'm gay". I feel like the term "gay" is evolving to mean "lgbtq+ more broadly" these days, as suggested by this meme: Spoiler But hey, if saying "I'm asexual" works better for you, then go for it! I'm glad that you were able to find a word that fits! Link to post Share on other sites
jimmy_corrigan Posted May 5, 2021 Author Share Posted May 5, 2021 40 minutes ago, EineKleineNachtmusik said: Not sure if this is 100% related to this subject. Also, not sure if the right term is "empathy", but most people have reduced "empathy". As an example, I've read a story that one asexual girl was shocked when she discovered that people sending messages like "let's have fun tonight" were talking exclusively about sex... she thought they were talking about video games, sport or something similar. For me it was also... a shocking and disturbing discovery. If I would send a message to somebody else, let's have fun tonight together, 90% it would mean that we are going to play Heroes of Might and Magic and 10%... some other game or eating pizza. Yes! I get what you mean about empathy. I've always found it a bit heartbreaking that people had to settle for this kind of "sexual love" as they grow up. I never understood why it had to be that way. I remember getting really angry at my best friend when I was young because he got a girlfriend. I thought it was just us lol. Maybe "bromance" would be the right word to use for me, I guess. Asexual into bromance? Link to post Share on other sites
Fibbin Posted May 6, 2021 Share Posted May 6, 2021 14 hours ago, jimmy_corrigan said: It means I prefer the company of guys, I'd like hugging and give hands and such. Maybe a kiss on the cheek if we really loved each other. But that's it. I know I sound like a nine year old lol but that's my idea of it! Maybe I was just naive. I was really shocked when I realized people thought being gay = anal sex. I was like... wait noo... that's not what i mean at all. But now, with the passage of time I find myself to be mostly aromantic, I just don't care much for romance anymore. LOL I got you,Thanks!! I also really like hugging and give hands ect, and I don't think this sounds naive at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Kroete Posted May 6, 2021 Share Posted May 6, 2021 Whatever you do, be yourself. Finding your sexual orientation is something very personal that only you can figure out. That includes finding the right word. The word "asexual" is generally made for people who experience no or just very little sexual attraction. If you think that term fits you, go for it! There are no strict boundaries between being asexual and being allosexual (non-asexual), so you don't have to worry if it is 100% accurate. You might also like the term "gray-asexual" if you experience sexual attraction once in a blue moon. Why did you choose the gay label in the first place, if I may ask? But whatever label you choose (if any), the choice is up to you. Also, you are not even obliged to come out to anyone. However, I have read that it might be bad for your psyche longterm to be in the closet for to long, especially if you have to pretend you are someone else. But the choice is still yours in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
BZA Posted May 6, 2021 Share Posted May 6, 2021 23 hours ago, jimmy_corrigan said: It means I prefer the company of guys, I'd like hugging and give hands and such. Maybe a kiss on the cheek if we really loved each other. But that's it. I know I sound like a nine year old lol but that's my idea of it! Maybe I was just naive. I've heard lots of people use homoromantic asexual, to get across both the idea that you prefer the company of the same sex/gender presentation as yourself, and that you aren't interested in sex with anyone (do not feel sexual attraction.) You say you don't care for romance anymore, though is this said out of a frustration? Like few understand what you are trying to convey to them about how you feel? (And just using "asexual" is simpler.) The scenario you bring up that you wonder may be "naive" is actually one that many want, or have, and sounds like a QPR (queer platonic relationship). And it is a romantic connection, a loving experience (that may sound to some like what a "nine year old" might imagine because there is no sexual attraction involved, and most cultures tend to infantalize non-sexual love between people who would otherwise be expected to be sexuality attracted). Link to post Share on other sites
jimmy_corrigan Posted May 7, 2021 Author Share Posted May 7, 2021 18 hours ago, Kroete said: Whatever you do, be yourself. Finding your sexual orientation is something very personal that only you can figure out. That includes finding the right word. The word "asexual" is generally made for people who experience no or just very little sexual attraction. If you think that term fits you, go for it! There are no strict boundaries between being asexual and being allosexual (non-asexual), so you don't have to worry if it is 100% accurate. You might also like the term "gray-asexual" if you experience sexual attraction once in a blue moon. Why did you choose the gay label in the first place, if I may ask? But whatever label you choose (if any), the choice is up to you. Also, you are not even obliged to come out to anyone. However, I have read that it might be bad for your psyche longterm to be in the closet for to long, especially if you have to pretend you are someone else. But the choice is still yours in the end. Maybe I was confused? I came out as gay when I was 17. I didn't really know asexuality was a thing back then, if I did I'd probably never had thought I was gay. What I feel towards other guys cannot be considered either sexual or romantic. It's something different, platonic love is probably a better term. Link to post Share on other sites
jimmy_corrigan Posted May 7, 2021 Author Share Posted May 7, 2021 17 hours ago, BZA said: I've heard lots of people use homoromantic asexual, to get across both the idea that you prefer the company of the same sex/gender presentation as yourself, and that you aren't interested in sex with anyone (do not feel sexual attraction.) You say you don't care for romance anymore, though is this said out of a frustration? Like few understand what you are trying to convey to them about how you feel? (And just using "asexual" is simpler.) The scenario you bring up that you wonder may be "naive" is actually one that many want, or have, and sounds like a QPR (queer platonic relationship). And it is a romantic connection, a loving experience (that may sound to some like what a "nine year old" might imagine because there is no sexual attraction involved, and most cultures tend to infantalize non-sexual love between people who would otherwise be expected to be sexuality attracted). Yes, I guess it was mostly out of frustration. I'm not even sure what a homo-romantic relationship would be with another guy. Maybe some kind of platonic bromance would be a better definition for what I seek in a relationship with another guy and, at the same time, avoid misunderstandings. Link to post Share on other sites
Mezzo Forte Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 On 5/5/2021 at 12:19 PM, jimmy_corrigan said: All I ever wanted was a platonic relationship like some kind of strong and deep friendship. That's it, really. Otherwise, I'll just be petting my dog. I feel this! I am very lucky to have deep platonic bonds where I can be physically affectionate (giving massages, holding hands, etc.) without my friends reading it as inherently romantic or sexual. I have a dear friendship that is already 99% of what I would want in a platonic partnership, and if that friend was aro/ace as well, I think we would have genuinely became platonic life partners. (He's cishet though and plans to have a wife and kids someday, so I wouldn't want my bond with him to have any chance at compromising that.) Still, we're friends for life, and I'll always be thankful for that, even when I do eventually seek out a platonic partner in earnest. Link to post Share on other sites
Killua Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 I find a lot of people don't really know what orientated aroace means. It's already very difficult for people to wrap their heads around romantic and sexual attraction being a separate thing, and now there's "an aroace who's also gay???" As Sylvia said, it's pretty far down the ace rabbit hole. We're unfortunately the + part of LGBTQ+ Link to post Share on other sites
Vysicle Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 Hey, fellow gay-asexual here! I'm at a part of the ace spectrum we're it took me a while to figure out I wasn't just gay (or homoromantic) but asexual too, so I definitely can relate to feeling I wasn't either gay enough (or straight enough) while figuring it out. Curiously, I feel the other way around. I feel that if I come out as asexual, people would default to thinking I'm hetero romantic (or tell me "you haven't found the right GIRL yet") So usually I say I'm gay first and then asexual (and I'm usually to tired to care to explain if the person is not willing to be receptive) Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Fox Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 On 5/5/2021 at 7:19 PM, jimmy_corrigan said: It hurts a bit particularly coming from the LGBT community, you would expect them to be more open-minded... I REALLY felt that. The queer community isn't quite so accepting of us, and if they are accepting they're not acknowledging, and we're just some invisible subset under the umbrella. Another thing I believe might be the problem is the hypersexualisation in queer spaces. In any case, I'm glad you've come to terms with your identity. On 5/5/2021 at 7:19 PM, jimmy_corrigan said: All I ever wanted was a platonic relationship like some kind of strong and deep friendship. That's it, really. Otherwise, I'll just be petting my dog. Same. Same. Saaaaaaame. Link to post Share on other sites
jimmy_corrigan Posted May 12, 2021 Author Share Posted May 12, 2021 On 5/11/2021 at 6:35 AM, Cee Fox said: I REALLY felt that. The queer community isn't quite so accepting of us, and if they are accepting they're not acknowledging, and we're just some invisible subset under the umbrella. Another thing I believe might be the problem is the hypersexualisation in queer spaces. In any case, I'm glad you've come to terms with your identity. Same. Same. Saaaaaaame. Yeah, the hypersexualisation of the queer community really frustrates me... Being queer is not just about sex. But I get it, I think it's great they can have sex with whoever they want without going to jail and all that, that's amazing. I just wish they wouldn't conflate love with sex just like straight people do all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.