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I want people to stop doing it


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Heaven in hiding

I don't like to tell people (family, friends, whoever) because of their words. They say that relationships and marriage are an obligatory area of life. And no one will love me or want to be with me if I'm asexual. I don't really understand why these people think that if it is necessary for them, then it is necessary for everyone. Because when I answer them, I would rather be lonely than be in a relationship and hurt myself. Then people say something like, "HOW WILL YOU LIVE ???!!! ". I say I like this way, but there really is no sense to saying it. They do not care.

 

 And in this main sense: have you ever seen people try to convince you that you are not okay and your life is too?

 

I want kick the Google now because it translated my post in russian. So I'm sorry and hope this time everything will be okey 

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Sarah-Sylvia
Quote

I don't like to tell people (family, friends, anyone) because of their words. They say that relationships and marriage are a must. And no one will love me or want to be with me if I'm asexual. I don't really understand why these people think that if it is necessary for them, then it is necessary for everyone. Because when I answer them, I would rather be lonely than be in a relationship and hurt myself. Then people say something like, "HOW WILL LIFE LIVE ??? !!!! ". I say I like it, but there really is no point in saying it. They do not care.    

 

And in this main sense: have you ever seen people try to convince you that you are not okay and your life is too?

Don't listen to them ;)

I haven't come out as anything with sexuality, so I haven't gotten responses for that, but lots of people don't understand being trans too, and you can get all sorts of responses like that there too. Not exactly the same, but people don't understand, well those that are used to putting everything in the normal boxes . They even ignore the facts that like someone can live single their whole life, or find someone that accepts them for who they are. If they don't want to try to understand, then why listen to them. Their opinion doesn't work with how things are for someone else. I think it's tougher when it's family or people you count on, and hopefully with time they can come to understand, but what they say are just words, they don't have to mean the things they think to you, if you just take it as them not being understanding. Hope that makes sense. It's better to be yourself in any case :)

 

Edit: I pasted the english translation in quotes. But let me know if there's a reason it was untranslated.

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maybeimamazed

OMG. From the title, I thought you wanted people to stop having sex lmao

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Nowhere Girl
32 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Edit: I pasted the english translation in quotes. But let me know if there's a reason it was untranslated.

Earlier I saw the OP's post in English and now I see it in Russian... wtf? I never use mechanical translators consciously because the horrible grammar of a mechanically translated text offends my love for Language. I understand Russian anyway.

(I wish I could set up, somewhere in my browser, a function such as "display every website in original language" because some store pages, for example, are mechanically translated and for me seeing it really hurts.)

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Zagadka

I am reminded how much my Russian has atrophied. Yikes.

 

I'm sorry you're having people not understand that you not only don't desire it, but it hurts you. Or that you can be perfectly happy without it. It isn't uncommon for family to not get it and keep insisting you're broken and not content, so no, you aren't alone. They tend to project their desires and expectations.

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Nowhere Girl
47 minutes ago, Heaven in hiding said:

И в этом главном смысле : вы когда-нибудь видели, чтобы люди пытались убедить вас, что вы не в порядке и ваша жизнь тоже?

Я розумію російську мову, але мені простіше писати українською... На жаль, так. Моя мама не думає, щоб секс був обов'язковою частиною життя, а навить якщо б так думала - вона знає, що я ніколи не обдумаю мого вубору життя назавжди без сексу. Але мій колишній друг - так, це точно що він думав: що секс є обов'язковий, що життя без сексу - це роблення себе нещасливим і тому виявлення тиску не є проблемою, тому що Це Для Мого Добра... :angry:

Для мене свобода вибору є важливша навіть від щастя. І також тому не можна прийняти сексуального нормативізму.

I understand Russian, but it's easier for me to write in Ukrainian (and yet easier in English... ;)). Unfortunately yes. My mom doesn't consider sex to be an obligatory part of life, and even if she did - she knows very well that I won't change my mind about never having sex. But a former friend - yes, that's exactly what sex was in his view: obligatory. For him celibacy meant making oneself unhappy and so, for him, exerting pressure was not a problem because It's For My Own Good... :angry:

For me freedom of choice is more important even than happiness. And also for this reason sex normativity can never be accepted.

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ghost14
Posted (edited)

@Heaven in hiding  Сочувствую ❤️ Когда постоянно спрашивают, 'Когда выйдешь замуж?' и 'С кем встречаешься' и все в этом роде... это плохо сказывается на психическом здорове, потому что ты сама понимаешь, что у тебя все в порякде, а они этого не понимают. Я американка, но выучила русский язык и жила в восточной Европе некоторое время... постоянно задавали такие вопросы и когда я на них отвечала честно... как будто меня не слышали. Можно прямо говорить 'Не хочу детей, не хочу замужем' и в ответе просто отрицают все, что ты говорила и успакаваиют тебя... 'Так не говори! Найдешь мужа! Дети будут!'
 
Ты говоришь, что 'люди пытаются убедить вас, что вы не в порядке'. Очень хорошо объяснила. Это точно так. Они так говорят, потому что боятся нарушать правила, боятся всего, что не 'нормально'. Такие люди просто не уверены в себе... они сами никогда не задумались о том, чего собственно хотят... поэтому, когда встречают кого-то, которое имеет хорошо продуманное представление будущего, импульс - критиковать или задавать глупые вопросы. Не теряй надежду... ты уже нашла группу людей здесь (онлайн), которая тебя поддерживают, и я уверена, что найдешь таких единомышленников и в реальной жизни ❤️

Edited by ghost14
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Nowhere Girl

@ghost14 - в точку. :)

I also have the impression... and sorry if the result will be too drenched in stereotypes - that the whole post-Soviet area is still more relationship-normative for reasons going beyond ordinary conservatism. I've read this about Russia, but this kind of mentality may very well extend to Ukraine, Belarus, Georgia... And I greatly support freedom and independence of nations once consumed by the deadly Soviet Union, but it doesn't mean that I'm anti-Russian - no, I'm anti-Putin and I want a peaceful and democratic Russia. And Russia being an autocratic system has a lot to do with why this kind of mentality exists. Supposedly, in the Soviet Union there was a shortage of men due to wars, political persecution, treating human life as expendable ("Людей у нас много"; for example it is almost certain that during nuclear testing in Kazakhstan those in power knowingly used local people as guinea pigs), due to a multi-century-long policy of using alcohol to gain profits and make people politically passive (I recommend the book "Vodka Politics: Alcohol, Autocracy and the Secret History of Russian State" by Mark Lawrence Schrad - a very good piece of "blurb": "[the author] argues that debilitating societal alcoholism is not hard-wired into Russians' genetic code, but rather their autocratic political system, which has long wielded vodka as a tool of statecraft") - and as a result, women were taught to lower their standards. They were taught that a guy, once "caught", is a treasure and they should hold on to him even if he drinks or is abusive, for example. (And this is something truly terrifying. Pretty much everywhere women live longer on average, but this difference is usually about 4-8 years - in Russia at some point it reached 14 years!!! Life expectancy for Russian men was just 58 years!!!! Absolutely terrifying, this is gradual extermination with alcohol as a weapon!) This might make people less able to question why do they push traditional relationships on people in the first place.

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Heaven in hiding

I don't know why but my post translated in russian. Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sorry

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Heaven in hiding
11 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Я розумію російську мову, але мені простіше писати українською ...

Я українка, але також спілкуюсь російською. Насправді, спершу я написала цей пост на англійській, але браузер автоматично перекладає все на російську і випадково він переклав і те, що я написала

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Heaven in hiding
10 hours ago, ghost14 said:

@Heaven in hiding ❤️Не теряй надежду... ты уже нашла группу людей здесь (онлайн), которая тебя поддерживают, и я уверена, что найдешь таких единомышленников и в реальной жизни ❤️

Спасибо Вам за поддержку. Именно поэтому я так рада, что нашла это место. Потому что в реальной жизни у меня есть лишь один человек, который понимает меня. Здесь на самом деле все такие добрые и поддерживают друг друга, что я не могла поверить, что в Интернете есть такое место с такими людьми.

 

P.s этот пост случайным образом перевелся на русский, хотя изначально я писала его на английском

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Heaven in hiding

@Zagadka my post was in English in the beginning but Google translated it in automatic, I'm sorry for this. 

 

And thank you for your support!!! You do it for me the second time. I love you ❤️

 

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Phalena

Yes, people of all couleur have constantly tried to tell me how broken I am for not being like them. The only things you can do are probably, a) carefully maneuver around that topic alltogether or b) leaving these people behind and cut off contact. B) is the option I'll probably take in the near future with a lot of people.

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Janus DarkFox

A browser setting could auto translate to a default language set by the browser or device settings, no worries honestly :) 

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Heaven in hiding

@Phalena Variant B seems right. We have to not listen to people that try to fix us and instead of them listen to ourselves. But it not always works when we talk about family

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Nowhere Girl
3 hours ago, Janus DarkFox said:

A browser setting could auto translate to a default language set by the browser or device settings, no worries honestly :) 

I would just prefer to have all automatic translation turned off, because - as I wrote - I don't want to even look at ungrammatical machine-translated texts. And I also have autocorrect off, to be able to write in what language I want to and to keep the browser / text editor from correcting words such as thoughtfeeling, omnisensation, counterdiscourse, skoczniołazostwo (climbing ski jumping hills), skocznioznawstwo, tramplinology or Schanzenkunde (study of ski jumping hills), kieżeli or яколи (when-if)...

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