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16.5f, aro or not ? Help, advice


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NotSureAbourAnything

Hello !

I am a 16.5 yo girl.

When i was little, I always had crushes.

From three to six ? A crush on a boy from my class, he was the prettiest and I looked for him everywhere, sent friends look for him during playtime. I tried to talk to him, but I was the « not liked » girl so he didn’t wanted to, and one time we played together and I hugged him.

I change school, I am seven and I crush on a boy who eats ants. Due to a french tradition called « la galette des rois », I am the queen and need to choose a king. It’s him. I was flustered and excited to tell him.

He changed school, ok no problem, now I got this maxi crush on a boy with beautiful blue eyes. It lasted what ? Five years ? Yup. I was doing all the typically romantic stuff without thinking twice about it : looking at him in a room, writing our names in hearts, putting love letters in his bag. I even tried to send him death threats by mail because I wanted him to be interested in me. I know it all sounds cliché, but it was genuine : a trip with the class ? I hope to sit next to him, I hope to see him in the morning, I hope to hear him in the dormitory. I was pretty obsessed. Then I thought he liked another girl and cried, I was very upset, like heartbreak upset. But the next year I still was in love with him and jumped in excitement when he looked at me, eventually the love faded because I thought he loved that girl, I was a bit jealous. I was 11 or 12. Then I got a small, short lived crush on a boy of my class who I thought was beautiful, and I talked with him about Star Wars cards. It disappeared over a few months.

 

Since, nothing. I am 16.5 years old, and it’s been nearly five years since I didn’t felt anything of the sort for anyone.  Maybe some reasons : I was shy, almost « I talked to someone, let’s write it down in my diary » shy. I always had the same group of friends, 4 girls all as shy as me, I was in a somewhat « closed » environment, like i wasn’t invited to parties, social gatherings etc. My life was, and is still, because of covid, « school, home, family, close friends ». 
I always had, growing up, my « eyes on someone », like « most beautiful boy », and usually I crushed on this person. Since, nothing.

 

During the last year I identified as asexual, but some things changed recently, and even if sexual attraction still isn’t here, I wouldn’t say I’m ace, I’ll wait for further changes to be sure. Some months before that, I had            « celebrities crushes », which never really happened to me before. Basically a boy on tiktok that I thought was VERY cute from the start, but then I looked at what he posted and was « kinda obsessed » for months, maybe six or plus, like I went on his profile multiple times a day. I wasn’t attached emotionally, it wasn’t a real crush, but first time experiencing strong aesthetic attraction. During this time I had other « celebrity crushes » but a lot shorter and smaller. Now when I see his face I just smile.

 

And then I started to stress. What if I’m aro-ace ? Shit.

I don’t think I am. I mean, I have been in love my entire life, this is my longer without feeling things for anyone. Before I kind of « idealised » everyone, because I was shy. Now I am not shy anymore, but I just don’t wanna talk to anyone, I find everybody stupid and annoying, saved from certain people. Before COVID, there was a new boy in my class that I could have had a crush on : I found him to be the most beautiful one, he was smart and i admired him for it, he was studious, and funny. Maybe I would have had a crush on him at some point, if I talked to him. (but he had a girlfriend, so, meh )

 

I want your opinion !

Do you think I am aro ?

Or that I am not, but need to have a kind of esteem, and know the person beforehand ?

 

Today I am pretty cool with it, I don’t think munch about it. But oh boy, does it eats me alive sometimes.

 

Also, I know that if I fell in love/had crushes on people if I know them a bit before, or if i need to esteem them strongly before it, I wouldn’t call myself aro. I would just say that I don’t fall for the first idiot with a pretty face.

 

(And I’ve been pretty romance-oriented for all my life. But maybe it was my need of male validation. And excessive consommation of Disney. But also I couldn’t have needed men validation as a little kid that collect rocks.)

 

thanks !

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TormentDubz

Probably just amatonormativity clouding your sense of identity. It definitely sounds like you're aspec though

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NotSureAbourAnything
1 minute ago, TormentDubz said:

Probably just amatonormativity clouding your sense of identity. It definitely sounds like you're aspec though

Hello, no I don’t think that it was heteronormativity clouding my senses. I know for sure that I really loved the boy with blue eyes (as munch than a 11 year old can anyway), the others were crushed not love. Maybe I am aspec, but like I said some things are changing, for example months before I felt totally nothing for sex, I thought myself asexual, and now my body and mind start to « wake up » to these things.

I wouldn’t say I’m aspec right now, because it can be compared to what people go though in term of développement but before me.

So I don’t know, I’ll wait.

 

But thanks, i thought about it before thought, and I came to the conclusion that it was not the case.

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TormentDubz
Just now, NotSureAbourAnything said:

Hello, no I don’t think that it was heteronormativity clouding my senses. I know for sure that I really loved the boy with blue eyes (as munch than a 11 year old can anyway), the others were crushed not love. Maybe I am aspec, but like I said some things are changing, for example months before I felt totally nothing for sex, I thought myself asexual, and now my body and mind start to « wake up » to these things.

I wouldn’t say I’m aspec right now, because it can be compared to what people go though in term of développement but before me.

So I don’t know, I’ll wait.

 

But thanks, i thought about it before thought, and I came to the conclusion that it was not the case.

Amatonormativity is different, it's just society's excessive emphasis on romance and romantic relationships

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NotSureAbourAnything
1 minute ago, TormentDubz said:

Amatonormativity is different, it's just society's excessive emphasis on romance and romantic relationships

Ah, sorry my bad !

I through it meant that the codification of romance made me mistake what was not romantic feelings for romantic feelings.

For now yeah I could be considered as aspec but as things are changing I don’t put labels. Sorry for misunderstanding, and thanks for the answer ! 

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Artemis42

I wouldn’t say you’re aro if you’ve experienced that many crushes. It’s possible you just haven’t gotten close enough to anyone in a while, or the circumstances under which you feel attraction could be changing, I don’t know I’m just throwing out random ideas. But I think it’s normal to go through periods of not feeling very much or very strong attraction, it just might not be the most important thing in your life right now, or the situation just isn’t right, which is totally okay.

I’d say just go with the flow for now.

:)

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NotSureAbourAnything
On 5/5/2021 at 2:02 AM, Artemis42 said:

I wouldn’t say you’re aro if you’ve experienced that many crushes. It’s possible you just haven’t gotten close enough to anyone in a while, or the circumstances under which you feel attraction could be changing, I don’t know I’m just throwing out random ideas. But I think it’s normal to go through periods of not feeling very much or very strong attraction, it just might not be the most important thing in your life right now, or the situation just isn’t right, which is totally okay.

I’d say just go with the flow for now.

:)

 I definitely hope that like you said I haven’t been close enough to someone that I could see in that way, and that I will fall in love. Thanks for helping me, have a nice day !

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