Do you keep track?

[Daysleeper]

May be I went crazy already from lack of intimacy, maybe I am not the only one.

Do sexuals keep track of the days since the last time they had some sort of encounter with their asexual partners or am I the only one?

:oops: Is this a way of torture our selves?

[Kallan]

Well, I'm asexual and I keep track of how long it's been since I had sex. I'm coming up on my one year mark! I think I'll do something special that night...

any way, hugs and sympathy.

[Chiaroscuro]

Hi Day,

Yes, I keep track. But the intervals have become so long that it's essentially "none". My wife and I were talking yesterday and she said "we haven't had NO sex in five years, that's not true." By which she means a half-dozen sad attempts at sex over that time, during half of which I lost my "will to live" (not a common occurrence for me). So, in her own way, she's keeping track too :?

-Chiaroscuro

[-V-]

I do but i call them days off.

[Brodertun]

Well, I'm asexual and I keep track of how long it's been since I had sex. I'm coming up on my one year mark! I think I'll do something special that night...

any way, hugs and sympathy.

Ha, I've got you beat. I approach my 6 year mark in a few months

[M51]

When I was married I kept track because my ex would always say "it's been three weeks" and I would be able to say, no, it was Tuesday night. He really had a skewed perception of how often we had sex and how much pressure he was putting on me.

As of now for me it has been close to a year but I don't remember the exact day.

[starrysky]

May be I went crazy already from lack of intimacy, maybe I am not the only one.

Do sexuals keep track of the days since the last time they had some sort of encounter with their asexual partners or am I the only one?

I am asexual, but I keep track of how long it's been. Don't want to let too much time go by. Not a day goes by that I don't think of it.

[Daysleeper]

Thanks for your answers.

[mindlife]

No I don't keep track. But then I'm asexual and these things matter little to me.

[M51]

I guess I should amend the above. I didn't just keep track because I wanted to be able to correct his assumptions. I also kept track to know when I could expect him to get irritable, and if it went too long I would go ahead and prepare myself and then let him know I was ready. Because in the beginning, at least, I loved him and was willing to do that.

How long was too long? In the beginning I loved him and so I did not want him to become irritable or unhappy. Too long was about every third day, sometimes every other day. But there was no way I could maintain that. So then I tried for twice a week. That is when he started getting pushy about it, which caused me to fall out of love with him very quickly, making me far less willing to compromise, making him more irritable and demanding...the evil downward spiral. And now I am divorced.

I wonder, in retrospect, if I "spoiled" him in the beginning. I didn't do it on purpose, for certain, but I had never had a partner who was so demanding so I had never yet met the limits of my sexual generosity. I had no idea I had limits. But when I told him I needed to cut down on the amount of sex, he just could not accept or understand that, and it was my fault from that point on for misleading him and for withholding something that he had come to see as his rightful sexual quota. I wonder, if I had held back more in the beginning, to a sustainable level, would we still be together?

No, I doubt it. He was a real jerk. Although holding back in the beginning would have saved me a failed marriage, since I am sure he would have dumped me in a heartbeat if I had held back at all when our relationship first became sexual.

Sorry this turned into a rant.

[Chiaroscuro]

I had no idea I had limits. But when I told him I needed to cut down on the amount of sex, he just could not accept or understand that, and it was my fault from that point on for misleading him and for withholding something that he had come to see as his rightful sexual quota.

Sunset's diminishing sexuality was something I couldn't accept or understand for a very long time either. It wasn't that I thought I had a rightful sexual quota, but in a relationship you're always vigilant for signs of how things are going. In a sexual-on-sexual relationship, a drop-off in intimacy by one partner is a big red warning sign. I'm guessing you didn't know what asexuality was at the time this was happening, and he didn't either. So you each saw all sorts of motives that had nothing to do with the real issue... the reason why Aven's been so helpful in my marriage.

The fact that he was a jerk... well, that's a whole other orientation.

-Chiaroscuro

[sakura_alice]

I don't have any to keep track of to begin with, lol! Instead of sex, I keep track of kisses though =) Like, I got a goodnight kiss tonight, hehe

[Daysleeper]

The fact that he was a jerk... well, that's a whole other orientation.

Funny :lol:

[IronWulf]

As an A I keep track of how long it's been. But I have two numbers to track, there' absolute and then there's since he's been home.

As was said before it's mostly to know if it's been too long, and when it may turn into a fight of one type or another.

[MaraKarina]

Sunset's diminishing sexuality was something I couldn't accept or understand for a very long time either. It wasn't that I thought I had a rightful sexual quota, but in a relationship you're always vigilant for signs of how things are going. In a sexual-on-sexual relationship, a drop-off in intimacy by one partner is a big red warning sign.

Understand diminishing sexuality? I know that if my sexuality vanishes I am either completely stressed out and urgently need time to relax, or my feelings towards my partner have gone - that's what I understand. That this appears to be different for my husband is something I've learnt intellectually on this board, but I definitely don't understand it.

Start counting when it was the last time? Yes, I started when I was really uncomfortable with the lack of sex. I think it started as I wanted to understand why I was so uncomfortable. And now it's been such a long time since that my "count" confirms "it's never going to happen again" which makes me feel like being at a funeral.

[Chiaroscuro]

Understand diminishing sexuality? I know that if my sexuality vanishes I am either completely stressed out and urgently need time to relax, or my feelings towards my partner have gone - that's what I understand. That this appears to be different for my husband is something I've learnt intellectually on this board, but I definitely don't understand it.

Start counting when it was the last time? Yes, I started when I was really uncomfortable with the lack of sex. I think it started as I wanted to understand why I was so uncomfortable. And now it's been such a long time since that my "count" confirms "it's never going to happen again" which makes me feel like being at a funeral.

By "understand", I mean that I know where my wife's lack of sexuality comes from, something I didn't know earlier. When her desire tapered off and finally ended, I took it personally (I still do, on a deep level). It took Aven to convince me that it wasn't personal.

As for being at a funeral, yes. Understanding just helps one come to grips with the real issue, it doesn't remove it.

-Chiaroscuro

[MaraKarina]

Understanding just helps one come to grips with the real issue, it doesn't remove it.

Coming to grips with the real issue in this case means to give up all hope for improvement. It means that there's no need you even try to change things, no sparks you can turn into a fire ... the picture I have in mind whilst writing this is one of these heart monitors you have in hospitals, just the steady line and an even acustic signal that life is gone.

[Chiaroscuro]

Ha ha! It's a gloomy day for the Sexuals.

*generalized sexual hug for everyone*

-Chiaroscuro

[WendyO]

Easy answer to "Do you keep track". Of course I can keep track. When you are sexual, married to an asexual....sex is only once or twice a year so it is easy to know just how many times or when the last time was.

WendyO

[twinkidragon]

twelve very difficult years for me (relief filled for my A husband) Reading all your posts makes me cry. i almost never post because in my situation I feel so very alone in that I am trying to ignore the fact that I am a sexual so my David will feel safe and secure and loved. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are and since he can't compromise or even talk to me about it I had to be the one to change....but it's so hard and lonely, and tonight I just had to reach out. Don't misunderstand me...my David is a wonderful man and I love him forever but this issue colors all of our life together. It makes me cranky (which I try not to take out on him [i fail often]) Do I get maudlin or what. Now you know why I don't post often. I wish you all success in your relationships. :(

[WendyO]

Twink,

I have felt like you are feeling for about 10yrs. I have been married for 23yrs and nearly sexless for about 10yrs. Finding this web site cleared up my head and like you we have to suport our A husbands and spend more time on thinking of the good things our A husbands have brought to our marraige. Now that my mind is more open to this subject I dont badger my husband with hurtful words anymore about "All men like sex, why dont you" topics. I now realize my husband has many great qualities that I had forgotten about and we are starting to get along much better again.

Do continue to post your feelings as it is an outlet for us sexuals and we can know that we are not the only ones out there experiencing a mixed marraige.

[KSpaz]

I'm asexual, and I definitely keep track.

I try not to let it go too long before me and my boyfriend are intimate, since he is sexual. I keep track so that he never has to get to the point where he needs to (I hope).

He's very good about listening to my mood before trying anything, so I always worry that if I don't keep track, he'll let it go until he's really quite frustrated.

[eleveneleven]

As an asexual person I don't really have much to keep track of, but because of the event preceding my one and only failed attempt I know the exact date on which it happened (about 20 months).

[maufry]

How long was too long? In the beginning I loved him and so I did not want him to become irritable or unhappy. Too long was about every third day, sometimes every other day.

Not getting any after only one day made him cranky?? :shock:

[maufry]

Easy answer to "Do you keep track". Of course I can keep track. When you are sexual, married to an asexual....sex is only once or twice a year so it is easy to know just how many times or when the last time was.

WendyO

Do you have a brother?? :lol: I wanna find me a man who can handle sex only once or twice a year!! Now THAT I might be able to compromise on... Unfortunately, most men's definition of compromise (in my experience) is no less than once a week. *shudder*

[BunnyK.]

Not getting any after only one day made him cranky??

I'd be happiest with sex every day or even sometimes twice a day - me after 3 days isn't a pretty sight. I have to control it a little better than I really want to, because my boyfriend typically only wants sex once or twice a week, but I notice the difference in my mood if it's been longer than 2 days.

[maufry]

Not getting any after only one day made him cranky??

I'd be happiest with sex every day or even sometimes twice a day - me after 3 days isn't a pretty sight. I have to control it a little better than I really want to, because my boyfriend typically only wants sex once or twice a week, but I notice the difference in my mood if it's been longer than 2 days.

I have no other response than :shock: :shock:. Lol. Once or twice a week sounds like a TON to me, I can't even fathom wanting more. I thought only men had such high sex drives. I don't think I have anything to compare it to... I mean, I can have a food craving or something for days until I satisfy it, but I don't get cranky if I don't get it. I just keep thinking about it until I get it.

Can I ask why the mood difference? Is it just b/c you haven't physically gotten off in however long, or is it an emotional thing b/c you haven't shared physical intimacy with your guy in that long?

[BunnyK.]

Once or twice a week sounds like a TON to me, I can't even fathom wanting more. I thought only men had such high sex drives. I don't think I have anything to compare it to... I mean, I can have a food craving or something for days until I satisfy it, but I don't get cranky if I don't get it. I just keep thinking about it until I get it.

Hmm...think of it this way. To me, sex is FUN - like a video game, or a really good TV show, or surfing the internet. It's just as entertaining, and since it has emotional components too, it's actually *more* satisfying. Most people on this website aren't shocked if someone says "I was away from AVEN for a week and it was awful!". I love AVEN and TV and video games, but most of the time I'd be having more fun if I were having sex (to a point, anyway). So, why be shocked by someone who's upset by "missing out" on sex? From my point of view, sex is so much fun that I'm boggled by people who only want it a few times a week. :lol:

Can I ask why the mood difference? Is it just b/c you haven't physically gotten off in however long, or is it an emotional thing b/c you haven't shared physical intimacy with your guy in that long?

I'd say it's a mixture of both. If it were just about the physical, masturbating would take care of it without any trouble. If it were just the emotional, the cuddles would be enough. But neither cuddles nor masturbating really solve the problem - I crave the particular mixture of physical pleasure and emotional closeness that sexuality provides for me.

On the other hand, I think my mood being affected has to do with more than just the craving for sex. I think part of it is just that after 3 days or so, I'm having to really deal with the fact that the mutual desire and satisfaction that I really wish for will probably never really happen in my relationship. It's kind of a sad thing to think about.

[*a*rteest]

Hmm...think of it this way. To me, sex is FUN - like a video game, or a really good TV show, or surfing the internet. It's just as entertaining, and since it has emotional components too, it's actually *more* satisfying. Most people on this website aren't shocked if someone says "I was away from AVEN for a week and it was awful!".

I don't understand this, either. AVEN is a public board on the Internet. I mean, I'm glad I found it, and I'm glad I have internet access, but I'm not emotionally invested to the point where I'm going to complain when I can't have it for long perods of time, for example, when my puter gets hit by lightning and it needs to be repaired.

There's always something else I can entertain myself with.

I love AVEN and TV and video games, but most of the time I'd be having more fun if I were having sex (to a point, anyway). So, why be shocked by someone who's upset by "missing out" on sex?

Because interacting with other humans is not "fun" for me no matter what the activity is. One that "people factor" gets involved, I shut down and get WAY too defensive to enjoy myself with anything.

From my point of view, sex is so much fun that I'm boggled by people who only want it a few times a week. :lol:

Interesting. I'm reading it but I still don't understand. I think I just hate having other people THAT close to me, physically. And even mentally/emotionally....I find lately that I really have to shut myself down at work or people will talk and talk and TALK and have no interest in listening at all.

People by default to me are NOT "fun" to be around...they always want something...and sex isn't any different.

I simply don't "need" people to entertain me. And I don't want them to entertain me, either.

I'd say it's a mixture of both. If it were just about the physical, masturbating would take care of it without any trouble. If it were just the emotional, the cuddles would be enough. But neither cuddles nor masturbating really solve the problem - I crave the particular mixture of physical pleasure and emotional closeness that sexuality provides for me.

On the other hand, I think my mood being affected has to do with more than just the craving for sex. I think part of it is just that after 3 days or so, I'm having to really deal with the fact that the mutual desire and satisfaction that I really wish for will probably never really happen in my relationship. It's kind of a sad thing to think about.

I think my probalem is that I have trouble blending the two..the emotional and the physical. I can either take care of myself, and that's enough. I can cuddle, and THAT is also enough.

But I always think when I read a post by a sexual: Why in the world would I want someone else to get me off when I'm more than perfectly capable of doing that myself??

I mean, what exactly during this do you crave? Is it finding out what turns the other on, is it deep philosophical discussion? Is it play, is it dominance issues, is it silence?

[maufry]

I'd say it's a mixture of both. If it were just about the physical' date=' masturbating would take care of it without any trouble. If it were just the emotional' date=' the cuddles would be enough. But neither cuddles nor masturbating really solve the problem - I crave the particular mixture of physical pleasure and emotional closeness that sexuality provides for me.[/quote'']

Now that's interesting. I've never heard sex described that way. That makes a lot of sense to me. I've always thought the argument about how sex is emotional was pure bollocks, but if it's a mixture of physical and emotional, that I can understand. That's how cuddling is to me. It's not just the physical sensation of curling up with my man that I enjoy, it's the emotional intimacy, as well. It's like a cake - you got your eggs and your flour. You can enjoy them separately (well, maybe not flour....but that's not the point, lol), but they're much better together.

or people will talk and talk and TALK and have no interest in listening at all.

Oooo' date=' that drives me up a wall, too.

But I always think when I read a post by a sexual: Why in the world would I want someone else to get me off when I'm more than perfectly capable of doing that myself??

And usually much more effective, too! :lol: