Jump to content

I'm feeling really insecure as my family keep questioning my asexuality what do I do?


BelleBeautiful

Recommended Posts

BelleBeautiful

Does anyone have any advice for that?

Link to post
Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi

This might seem counterintuitive, and might be counter to what the majority on this site would advice, but I got here first so here goes!

 

I suggest talking to them about it less. I think there is a tendency that we want to be understood and so we want to explain until the other person understands. But when we keep doing that to people who don't understand we just open ourselves up for a debate about something that isn't up for debate. So, if you want to feel more secure, then from now on, your sexuality isn't something that is up for debate. So do not debate it. If they bring it up, because they are trying to convince you of something, deadpan "uhuh." "If you say so." "Thank you for your interest, I'll make a node" In short, versions of 'ok boomer'. Don't try to convince them. They'll either figure it out in time, or they won't. (In my experience people tend to just accept fact if they've gotten to sit on it for enough time) You've come out. They have been informed. They can think of it what they will. You think that is a viewpoint you can work with?

Link to post
Share on other sites

There's not a lot of information provided here, so not a lot to work with.

 

Your best bet is to just live your life and do your thing. As long as you're happy and content about the way you feel, you're good.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would just answer as honestly as you can/ what you feel comfortable with. I am really close with my family and it has taken some time to be ok with my Ace-ness, but once i was ok with that it was ok to talk to my family about myself and my attraction or no attraction (in most cases). It still is weird when my family and I see someone i have a crush on TV and they say something that equals what they would feel if they had a crush. Just know that you have a community full of beings just trying to figure it all out too! Sending good vibes! 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh boy ... Well, that happened to me, too ... kinda. When I came out. But I think I solved it as I wasn't really met with hostility and it turned out the problem was a misunderstanding what asexuality actually is.

 

I am going to assume you are already sure about your asexuality. First of all, I am not an expert here, but I did come out as asexual before. Here are just a couple of ideas I have, make of them what you will:

 

- Remember that your sexuality is part of YOUR identity that only YOU can decide. It can't be decided by others. Always keep this in mind.

- If you feel still insecure, maybe try to do a bit more self-reflection before talking to them again. And just read a bit the AVENwiki or whatever to look things up if you're not sure. This can help you feeling more certain about yourself when you talk again about these things. I think it is helpful to be secure and confident about yourself about these things. See also: https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/137200-helpful-info-for-those-questioning-their-asexuality/

- Try to figure out whether they actually understand what asexuality means. Test them, if neccessary. It's very possible they just don't get it. Annoy THEM, ask quiz questions until they actually get it. :D

- Explain that asexuality doesn't mean that you need to be 100% sure you will never ever feel sexual attraction ever. It's more like a tendency. Explain that asexuality is a spectrum with fuzzy edges and NOT a on/off switch. I used this explanation in my coming-out, and it worked.

- If they doubt the very existence of asexuality, and you want to go Full Science Mode on this, you can draw Storms' Model to show that the existence of asexuality is a logical neccessity. I also used this in my coming-out, and it worked. (Keep in mind that Storms' Model is still not a perfect representation of human sexuality, but it is great to explain asexuality IMO).

- Remind them that ca. 1% of all people are asexual

- If they keep nagging you with "What if you're wrong?", reply "So what?". Tell them that you feel like asexuality is what makes most sense to you NOW and that you like it (for whatever reason). You might ask THEM the exact question for epic "Gotcha!" moments ;)

- Or maybe just talk about your honest feelings. Talk about how you feel about being asexual, if that makes you happy, feel liberated, or other feelings associated with it, if that makes sense. This might help if they are "concerned" about you

- Turn the tables: Question THEIR sexuality. If they start to feel offended or are defensive, smugly say "So I'm not allowed to question YOUR sexuality but questioning mine is OK? How convenient!" as you caught them in hypocrisy ;)

 

 

Note I don't know your family, so I have no idea which of these ideas might actually work, if any. I'm not saying you should do all of these things. Do whatever makes most sense to you. Think.

I kinda assume they are acting in more or less good-faith (but uninformed) and are not overly hostile. If they are hostile towards you, then I'm afraid I'm out of ideas (maybe someone else can help) and my tips might even be counter-productive.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BelleBeautiful
On 5/7/2021 at 10:49 PM, Kroete said:

Oh boy ... Well, that happened to me, too ... kinda. When I came out. But I think I solved it as I wasn't really met with hostility and it turned out the problem was a misunderstanding what asexuality actually is.

 

I am going to assume you are already sure about your asexuality. First of all, I am not an expert here, but I did come out as asexual before. Here are just a couple of ideas I have, make of them what you will:

 

- Remember that your sexuality is part of YOUR identity that only YOU can decide. It can't be decided by others. Always keep this in mind.

- If you feel still insecure, maybe try to do a bit more self-reflection before talking to them again. And just read a bit the AVENwiki or whatever to look things up if you're not sure. This can help you feeling more certain about yourself when you talk again about these things. I think it is helpful to be secure and confident about yourself about these things. See also: https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/137200-helpful-info-for-those-questioning-their-asexuality/

- Try to figure out whether they actually understand what asexuality means. Test them, if neccessary. It's very possible they just don't get it. Annoy THEM, ask quiz questions until they actually get it. :D

- Explain that asexuality doesn't mean that you need to be 100% sure you will never ever feel sexual attraction ever. It's more like a tendency. Explain that asexuality is a spectrum with fuzzy edges and NOT a on/off switch. I used this explanation in my coming-out, and it worked.

- If they doubt the very existence of asexuality, and you want to go Full Science Mode on this, you can draw Storms' Model to show that the existence of asexuality is a logical neccessity. I also used this in my coming-out, and it worked. (Keep in mind that Storms' Model is still not a perfect representation of human sexuality, but it is great to explain asexuality IMO).

- Remind them that ca. 1% of all people are asexual

- If they keep nagging you with "What if you're wrong?", reply "So what?". Tell them that you feel like asexuality is what makes most sense to you NOW and that you like it (for whatever reason). You might ask THEM the exact question for epic "Gotcha!" moments ;)

- Or maybe just talk about your honest feelings. Talk about how you feel about being asexual, if that makes you happy, feel liberated, or other feelings associated with it, if that makes sense. This might help if they are "concerned" about you

- Turn the tables: Question THEIR sexuality. If they start to feel offended or are defensive, smugly say "So I'm not allowed to question YOUR sexuality but questioning mine is OK? How convenient!" as you caught them in hypocrisy ;)

 

 

Note I don't know your family, so I have no idea which of these ideas might actually work, if any. I'm not saying you should do all of these things. Do whatever makes most sense to you. Think.

I kinda assume they are acting in more or less good-faith (but uninformed) and are not overly hostile. If they are hostile towards you, then I'm afraid I'm out of ideas (maybe someone else can help) and my tips might even be counter-productive.

Thank you so much that really means a lot to me :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Furtive Pygmy

@Kroete Great advice, I'll be keeping some of this in mind if I hopefully build the courage to come out to my family in a few weeks time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...