My Wife Might Be Asexual - I'm looking for advice

[TurnedTurtle]

I think a key thing to keep in mind may be that, at this stage, it is not about making any decisions. It is now only about gathering information or gaining understanding. Even with that, there need be no rush to judgement -- take the time to figure out what it is that you each truly want, and why.  Only thus informed are you prepared to begin considering whether what you want is achievable, and what (if anything) might be done to get there, given current circumstances...

[Mountain House]

1 hour ago, WafflesAgain said:

I'm trying to prepare myself to anything I can so that I don't react poorly to whatever is said.

Great!  Fast tracking to Jedi level communication:

No mind-readering

Use your words ("I language" - look that up)

Speak the scary (you really have to)

Hear the unwanted with grace.

 

Oh, and now that I see @TurnedTurtle's post - So much that.  Seek understanding for now.

[WafflesAgain]

Hey everyone!

 

i spoke to my wife about this tonight and I thought it went really well. I found out more about her perspective on things, and she found out more on mine. I might elaborate more later, but here are the things I learned. 
 

- My wife already goes to therapy, and she was going to talk to her therapist about how her sex drive is so low. She feels like something is “wrong” with her because she sees herself as different from other women she knows. (Her word in quotes above). I did not ever mention the term asexual, because I’m not anywhere near smart enough to know, and I don’t want to categorize (categorize is maybe a bad word here upon rereading, but I don’t have another) her for her. I told her that there is nothing wrong with her at all, she is just different from me and that’s fine. 
    —- My wife is the one who gets to decide what her sexuality is. For me, the label doesn’t matter, since I now have a better understanding of where she is coming from, and she has a better understanding of where I’m coming from. 

- She elaborated on what sex means to her. She is like me in that it is very emotionally connected. For her the physical part is very minimal, and she basically explained it as “there are other things I’d rather be doing” in general. Honestly, hearing her say that really helped me think about this more from her side. 
- We talked about a lot more than I expected, as it was a good conversation after I got past the hurdle of just getting started. 
 

 

Thanks for the advice everyone. I sprang a lot on her as I was prepared to a degree for the conversation but she was not. She is great, and I feel closer to her than maybe ever before. We are in this together and I love that. 
 

Thanks for the ideas on how to approach this. Having some options was good because we got to discuss and find what we think will work out. 
 

Here are our plans going forward, as maybe this will help someone else or maybe you have another option on this to add(?). People here have been very honest, straightforward, and helpful, so I don’t want you to feel you have to recommend stuff, but I won’t turn away potential advice.

 

- We are setting up a weekly date night for us. Each Saturday (day might shift) we are going to have a night that is focused on us. My wife and I are both distracted by our phones sometimes, so we have agreed that a date night without phones in our faces would be great for us. 
- Date nights are every week and dedicated to us. Now I’m COVID earth, we are aiming right now to plan a meal (ordered or made fancy by me), and then a piece of entertainment. We love board games, video games, and movies, so we will do one of those together and it will be great. 
- Sex will be scheduled for some date nights but not all. It will be clear ahead of time and obviously she or I can cancel sex for any reason. 
 

 

She liked the idea of scheduling sex, but she (like me) found it a little weird. It seems like a good idea for how she operates, and I’m hoping that this works out for us. Honestly, sex aside I’m super excited about trying to set a date night for her so we can just focus on us. 
 

 

 

 

 

This thread started with me at my worst recently, but many of you helped me find some hope and even excitement for this. I was getting scared and nervous again today but just powered though and I’m so happy for it. I’m still going to get therapy for lots of reasons, but I feel like I’ve got a very positive look forward right now. 
 

My wife and I have taken only one step on this journey, but it feels like this path might be good for us. I hope it works out, but really only time will tell. We are both optimistic and she said she was glad I brought it up as we needed that. 
 

 

Thanks again everyone. Truly immeasurable effect on my life here, and it’s only been like 4 days. 

[Guest]

Hope it works out good luck 

[EmeraldIce]

I think everyone has already given a lot of good ideas, but I just wanted to give a bit of my own input. I can't judge whether your wife is asexual or what her perspective is. From my own perspective as a likely asexual female, I have to say that I've always hated it when my partner would try to cater to my desires during sex and ask me what I want. By all means, my partner should listen to me if I tell him to stop, but other than that, I've always felt an immense sense of pressure whenever he would ask me what I want or whether I'm turned on. I'm not averse to sex at all and am generally fine with doing it whenever my partner wants since I know that most people consider it an important part of a relationship. However, I hate the pressure to enjoy it. I get nervous and frustrated whenever I'm made to feel like I should be turned on when I'm not, or that I'm disappointing my partner by not enjoying sex. It really makes sex sway toward a negative experience when I was initially only indifferent and/or curious.

 

So I guess basically, talk to your wife and ask what she wants and how you can come to a compromise. Just because she doesn't want to have sex as often as you doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or find you attractive. Does she even realize how little you have sex or that it's an issue for you? No one ever teaches you during sex ed how often you're supposed to have sex, so she could very well consider your amount to be normal. Does she even know it when you've gone a long stretch without sex? Personally, I find it really easy to just not think about it when you're busy with other things. Often families teach you that sex is supposed to come naturally, and perhaps she's only following that principle without realizing that what comes naturally to her isn't what comes naturally to everyone. And as for my first paragraph, does she even like that you want to cater to her sexual pleasure or is it only adding to her pressure? 

[Sally]

5 hours ago, EmeraldIce said:

From my own perspective as a likely asexual female, I have to say that I've always hated it when my partner would try to cater to my desires during sex and ask me what I want. By all means, my partner should listen to me if I tell him to stop, but other than that, I've always felt an immense sense of pressure whenever he would ask me what I want or whether I'm turned on. I'm not averse to sex at all and am generally fine with doing it whenever my partner wants since I know that most people consider it an important part of a relationship. However, I hate the pressure to enjoy it. I get nervous and frustrated whenever I'm made to feel like I should be turned on when I'm not, or that I'm disappointing my partner by not enjoying sex. It really makes sex sway toward a negative experience when I was initially only indifferent and/or curious.

 

Ditto.  I was willing to do it and tried to please my partner, but I really just wanted it to be over with.  When he expressed one time that since he'd gotten older, he was really most interested in pleasing, no  matter how long it took, I thought "Oh god no, please forget that, it's not gonna happen."  

[Whomadewho]

10 hours ago, Sally said:

Ditto.  I was willing to do it and tried to please my partner, but I really just wanted it to be over with.  When he expressed one time that since he'd gotten older, he was really most interested in pleasing, no  matter how long it took, I thought "Oh god no, please forget that, it's not gonna happen."  

@SallyMy partner is the same, she just wants it to be over with, get it done as fast as possible, which makes it feel like a chore to be done on both sides now. I always joke now' let's get the chore out of the way.

I have also asked my partner what I can do to please her as I always like please and her response is 'just to keep doing what your are doing' she has never asked me to try or do anything different which can get you down.

As a sexual, I personally I think sex is more just an act, it is the glue that holds the relationship together.

That is why the majority' of mixed relationships are hard, as both parties can never really be happy.

[WafflesAgain]

Hey everyone,

 

Things are going well since I last posted, but I wanted to point out a couple things here to provide a bit more updates and information.

 

 

     Communication really helps. It now feels weird that we didn't talk about sex or anything like that in all honest before last week. If you aren't doing this with your partner, I would encourage anyone to be open about everything, as guessing stuff really sucks. We have been able to be more honest about things and set certain expectations about things that are super helpful (at least right now). Not talking about this seems silly, but once I started the conversation we were both happy to be talking about it. If you are reading this and haven't talked to your partner about your sex (regardless of sexuality or asexuality etc.) I hope you are able to do that. 

 

     My wife talked to her therapist about some of this stuff, and she has some reading material suggestions to go through. One of the books she read classified her as potentially identifying as asexual, and she didn't know what to think about that. She has a lot to get through on that, as she sees that as "not normal." I've been focusing on reminding her that that can be totally normal (the book also indicated this, but she is put off by the idea right now). Ultimately, she might not be asexual, or she might be. I think she is finding out a lot about herself right now, and I'm being supportive along the way.

     I mainly bring this up to commend whoever suggested not mentioning asexuality in our discussion. I think this is the proper move in this case. I have a lot to learn about sexuality, but I think it wouldn't be my place to tell someone that they are bisexual, asexual, or anything like that. I may have hunches or whatever, but that is up to the person to find where they identify. I can't tell anyone how to identify, and so I won't. Wherever my wife ends up or whatever she identifies as, I will still love and support her. What I think doesn't matter in regards to that part.

 

     I personally have more to learn and more to do in this relationship. I can be better, and I'm working on it. Scheduled my first therapy appointment and I think it will be a good way to focus myself. I've put off a lot of things in my life, so I'm hoping this is the start of a lot of improvements.

 

 

     Once again, I really appreciate everything everyone has said on here. There were things mentioned that I didn't think about. There were perspectives that I didn't know existed. You opened my eyes and gave me at least a little empathy for this situation, and that's really important. I knew that I was missing a perspective of things, and I think this forum has done a good job in showing me that perspective or at least letting me know that it exists. 

 

Thanks

[Mountain House]

JOY!  <tears of even, I'm such a sap>

[EmeraldIce]

On 5/10/2021 at 5:46 AM, Whomadewho said:

@SallyMy partner is the same, she just wants it to be over with, get it done as fast as possible, which makes it feel like a chore to be done on both sides now. I always joke now' let's get the chore out of the way.

I have also asked my partner what I can do to please her as I always like please and her response is 'just to keep doing what your are doing' she has never asked me to try or do anything different which can get you down.

As a sexual, I personally I think sex is more just an act, it is the glue that holds the relationship together.

That is why the majority' of mixed relationships are hard, as both parties can never really be happy.

If you're into switching things up, you can be the one to propose something you find exciting and see if she's down for it. However, if she's already expressed impatience or indifference, then I would highly advise against pressuring her further to tell you what she wants. You can certainly make suggestions and let her make the call as to whether or not to accept them, but as I mentioned in my above post, not everyone likes it when their partner tries to please them. For people who are not easily turned on or who don't typically find sex any more pleasurable than, say, sitting in a chair, asking them what you can do to please them is like assigning them a very important project at work that they don't have the resources to complete. There's a lot of pressure and anxiety involved. I'm sure that many people, like me, are not necessarily sex-averse; they just do not like being pressured to reach some sort of sexual nirvana.