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My Wife Might Be Asexual - I'm looking for advice


WafflesAgain

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WafflesAgain

Hello Everyone,

 

I literally just discovered this website today and I've had a pretty down day. I have a lot to read and learn, but so far everything I've seen here has been ringing a lot of bells for me. This post will likely be a bit long, but I'm going to try to bullet out my thoughts so they are separate and easy to digest. I'm having trouble sleeping as I roll this around in my head, so I'm hoping that putting it here will let me sleep and maybe one of you will be able to tell me something that I need to hear.

 

I'm a male in my 30s and my wife (of about 3 years) is a few years younger than me. I'm starting to think that she is a certain degree of asexual, but I'm not familiar with these shades of gray so I'll speak generally here. I'm pretty sexual in that I would be very happy with a active sex life, but my wife is much, much less sexual than I am. I try not to keep track of how often we have sex, but I would guess that we have sex on average once a month. I know we have had some long stretches (long in my words) of a few months some times, and then some weeks things are great. She has initiated in the past, but I would say about 90-95% of the time I'm the one starting things.

 

- Sexual Frustration - This is a term I've seen on here, and it is exactly me. I've had this spike for me a few times in the past and it always makes me feel terrible. I am really upset, and mostly with myself. I wish I could stop myself from wanting sex, but I can't. I can't even put my feelings into words on a lot of this. I have spent most of the day today feeling depressed and down, and I think most of it is due to sexual frustration. I get upset that she won't have sex with me, and so I find myself trying to distract myself or trying to use masturbation or something like that to sate that part of my brain. I don't know that that helps, but I'm just trying to contain this within myself rather than forcing things onto her.

     I find that a lack of sex really hurts my self esteem. I don't worry that my wife will find someone else she is more attracted to, but I absolutely blame myself for her not being into the idea of sex as frequently as I'm into the idea. I am incredibly attracted to my wife, and my gut way to show that is with things that could lead to sex. Therefore, when she does not make those advances toward me, I immediately blame myself for being fat, unattractive, inadequate in bed, anything like that that could cause her to not want sex with me. There is a part of my brain that says "The only reason she wouldn't want sex is if you are ___________ (Bad at it, ugly, etc.)" I know this isn't the way to think about it, but here I am. I just wish I could want sex less, for her and for me.

 -   I'm looking into going in for therapy (for multiple reasons), but this might be a lead cause for that too. I have a lot of self-loathing because of this.

 - PS on this point - Reading these forums is really frustrating for me because any mention of sex makes me jealous of it. People talking about what they consider to be a normal amount of sex makes me envious of a relationship like that. I haven't read much on here, but I saw someone describe 10 times a year as basically no sex and I'm here thinking that's what I have now and its only going to get worse.

 

- Unwanted Advances - I'm working to try to be a strong feminist in everything. I'm always learning, but the thing I worry about most is doing something to my wife that she considers to be taking it to far. If I'm trying to initiate, I don't want to be pushing to the point where I'm basically guilting her into it or worse that I'm in some way assaulting her. This is my worst nightmare. I don't want to hurt my wife in any way, I want to show her how much I love her. I know that communication is key, and we currently don't talk about sex. We joke about things and make cute little advances at each other. We don't talk about the process or the schedule or anything like that. I'm thinking I will have to talk to her about this because of how much it is bothering me, but I don't know where to begin. I've never turned down sex when she initiates, but that's partially because she hardly ever does. This also might be partially due to the infrequency of this, but it is a huge turn-on when she does initiate.

 

- In regards to sex, one of the most important things for me is how much she is enjoying it. I want to be the best I can be for her, but I'm beginning to worry that it would be working forever to become great at cooking steaks, burgers, and barbeque only to have her decide she is vegetarian. I'm not saying I'm good at sex. I'm really not sure. In terms of pleasure and stuff like that, I find more value in giving her pleasure than me getting it. For me, sex could be 95% about her pleasure and 5% about mine and I would be happy with that balance. I feel like this makes this harder on me, as I believe that I can show her a good time when we are having sex, but the above-mentioned sexual frustration makes me doubt this.

 

- My messed up way of thinking. - Basically, I'm trying to learn and understand this better. I know what it feels like to be me. I can go a few days or a week or so without thinking about sex, but my wife can go much longer than that. When I'm in the mood it makes me do things I'm not proud of, like touching her a bit more aggressively than I feel like I should. I'm trying to be respectful, but sometimes I'm really trying to initiate and I realize it a bit later than I wish I did. I hope that people here can help me to see and understand her side of things. Obviously you can't see into her head, but anything to try to help me get it would be great.

 

- Opening up a dialogue. - I think that I have to open up a dialog with my wife about this. I don't know how to bring this up with her though. We have been together for over 10 years, so this isn't a new thing, but I feel like today I'm at a low point and I'm staring at the rest of my life in front of me with her (I want to be with her) and I'm worried that who I am will make me resent the relationship or something.

     If there are any recommendations that people have on how to start up this communication, that would be great. I'm not talking about jumping out at her and saying "I think you are asexual" because I'm not sure that that is the case, but I know her sex drive is much less than mine. I'm trying to think of how I can talk about sex and how I can work toward a way that we are both happy or happier. Some things I'm curious about:

  - Is it easier to talk about sex at a certain time? Like say we had sex one day and I talk to her about it the next day or later that night? I feel like that might be creepy or weird but I could be overthinking it.

  - Is there something I should avoid saying or asking about that I might overlook? I don't want to force her into anything, and I don't want to bring up something too aggressive. Should I be extra-cautious with some aspects of this?

 

 

- MY FEARS - Here is the thing that is really getting to me. In the past year and half or so, I've seen a marriage for another family member end because of sex. The husband in that relationship was very flawed, I don't think he is a good person period, but he was the more sexual person in that relationship. I differ from him because I know that he emotionally abused his wife and would demand sex or would get actively hostile or aggressive if he didn't get sex when he thought he should/would. I don't want to become him, but I don't know. The other thing about that was that his wife admitted that she was thinking she might be asexual, but she is now in another relationship that is much more sexual. My thought there is that a part of her not wanting sex was due to who she was with. This kind of thing scares me, but it makes sense. This situation is *very* different from mine and my wife's, but it puts a little demon in my head that says "She (my wife for clarity) is less into sex now because she is less into you." I don't want my marriage to end like that, so I want to use communication and empathy to try to be better than that terrible man in this example.

-   In the past couple months, I've heard about another marriage that is rushing toward divorce partially due to sex. I don't know if there is an asexual aspect to this one, but I know that they agreed upon an open relationship for sexual purposes. This led the husband to find someone for sex, but the wife treated her other partner as more of a boyfriend which caused the husband to spiral a bit. I've only heard this story from the husbands side, so there is a bend that makes him the victim, but I feel like I can see that being a disaster if my marriage went that way. I've seen mention of open marriages here, but I can't figure them working. Sure I'd love to be having more sex, but really I would actually love to have my wife be involved there. Random sex would be nice for the duration of the sex but overall unfulfilling for me.

 

 

TL;DR:

I don't want my marriage ruined by my impulses for sex.

I really hate that I want sex so much more than my wife. I have a lot of self-worth issues stemming from this situation.

I'm looking for advice on how to bring this up to try talking to my wife about this stuff.

 

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Heaven in hiding

I don't know what advice would be great in this situation and I don't want to do it all worse. So I just give you support ❤️ you are a good man. I hope you'll be happy with your wife and your marriage give you this happiness

 

 

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I can definitely second what has been said before. I am crossing my fingers for you because it's easy to see how much all of this hurts/worries you. I wish you and yoru wife all the happiness that you could possibly find.

 

I am not very good with advice on this kind of thing but I can say that in case you do decide to talk to your wife about this, I think it is important to show her how much you've thought about this and how much you love her. From the way you talk about her here, I can easily see how much you treasure her. You seem to be looking out for her in such a careful manner, I highly respect that. Maybe even showing her this post might be an idea? I don't know how comfortable you are with said thought, however, your words here display so many emotions that would be important for her to know/understand in this context so it might help if you don't exactly know how to approach this conversation. For me personally, honesty usually is my key resource when addressing certain topics.

 

Another thing I'd like to say to you is that I hope you won't undermine your feelings in all of this. You're pretty self-depricating so I can image how likely you will be to somehow ignore your own feelings while trying to find a solution that you think your wife might be alright with. Again, I genuinely respect how much you think of your loved one, yet you should never forget about yourself. There's nothing wrong with having a strong sex drive. You're completely fine the way you are and I hope you'll eventually see that. I don't think this necessarily would destroy a romantic relationship. On a different note, I think it's amazing that you're considering therapy - I hope it can help you to start loving yourself more.

 

I am not too sure how helpful this answer was; just know that many of us are cheering for you. Good luck!

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DemonicEnby

For starters, sorry that seems like a tough situation. 

 

To begin with as you mentioned, communication is key, that much is true. I won't be giving any specific examples on how to start, because if I would it'd be a blunt bash-in-the-door-kind of way, which is exactly what you don't want. Though it might be at some point the only thing to do, as some people don't really get when you hint subtly. 

As for the time, well that is something very different for everyone. I don't recommend it on a day where she is stressed already, that might go poorly. Whether you do that after having shared intimacy is up to you, depends on the mood. 

If you are not sure, say it clearly that she shouldn't feel pressured or blame herself. Mayhaps have the FAQ of this site ready. She might feel as if she is to blame when neither of you are. 

And when you are asking yourself and fearing of changing that negatively the chance of that happening is very small. 

 

I can't tell you if an opened marriage would work for you, I had more open relationships than not and never had problems with that and when they ended it rarely did so because my ex had fallen in love with a another. It was because of other stuff and it might be a valid way for the two of you. And whether or not your wife is ace, your own needs and wants are equally valid and important. That's a two way street. 

 

The topic is not easy, be open minded, don't think of it as awkward because then it will turn awkward and take it step by step. 

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Just talk to her. "I am feeling a bit worried that our mismatching libido could be causing issues between us. Can we discuss this and find a solution that works for both of us?" And reassure her you don't want to pressure. Discuss what she would prefer as far as gaining consent from initiation - verbal, non-verbal, etc. Maybe she doesn't mind non-verbal. Maybe she would rather you ask first. Can't know til you talk. 

 

As for someone wanting sex more with the next partner... it can happen. I didn't want sex at all until I met my wife. Now, we have about once or twice a week and I initiate a lot of it. The issue for me is if it isnt special (so if I know my partner is getting sexual release from others somehow), or if it is obligatory (have to have sex X amount or they are just a miserable mean person all the time). If it's relaxing and honestly my choice, I can desire it a lot more often. 

 

My wife and I also prefer verbal consent, due to trauma in our pasts. But, we can play around and be flirty non-verbally - just sex is a yes or a not happening. 

 

 

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What other people above have said is important.  Although I'm only hearing things from your side, you really seem to care for your wife and want to make sure that she is happy and feels safe.  That makes you a good person, keep it up!  However as you suggested, I think therapy might be good for you.  I don't think there's anything wrong with you, in fact I think that's why you should go to therapy!  It's so sad to see someone be so upset at themselves for their desires.  Yes, of course you shouldn't force things on your wife, nor should you guilt her.  However, I really think you should see a professional to help you have more faith in your ability to work this out and be a good husband.  Every relationship has flaws, and you're doing the right thing by not taking out your insecurities on your wife.  

 

That aside, communication is very important.  I don't know your wife, and I don't know exactly how comfortable she is with the topic of sex.  But I do think that setting aside some time where you both won't have any distractions and making it clear that it is a dialogue, and not just a one-sided complaint will help.  Focus on expressing how you feel without being accusatory towards her, and then tell her that you want to know how she feels so that you can make things more comfortable for both of you.  

 

I hope that this works out.  You seem like a nice person.

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You know...

You say you don't know whether your wife is on the asexual spectrum or, if so, where she is. Obviously I don't know either!

What I do know is that I had never heard of asexuality until I was 30-ish, and although it took me years to really accept and own that label, it was an immediate relief to me to learn about it because it gave me options, let me know that there were other possibilities that I hadn't heard of before.

Whether your wife is ace or not, its very likely that she's noticed the differences between your two approaches to sex, and its possible that she is feeling insecure about it too.

 

I agree with you that you don't want to "jump out at her" with information. That could feel either accusatory or just be hard for her to absorb.  It's a lot to take in.  On the other hand, in the long term, you could be doing her a favor by introducing her to the idea that she is normal, that there are many other people like her, too.  A recurring theme I've seen on these forums from those of us who discovered our aceness later in life is that we thought there might be something wrong with us when we were younger.  

 

Here are some recommendations I have for that communication.

 

  • You might just ask her whether she has found that the two of you initiate sex with different frequencies and see what she says.  Be comfortable with a few moments of silence if it takes her a while to figure out how to respond, and then believe whatever she says.  Knowing that information might help you understand how to proceed, because it will let you know whether you and she are on the same page about that.
     
  • Whatever she says, thank her for telling you, and tell her it's important to you to know how she feels.
     
  • You can let her know that the differences you have seen worry you because you want to be a supportive husband to her.  That focuses the conversation on the strength of your RELATIONSHIP, rather than having it be either about you or about her. 
    Ultimately, each of you will need to figure out how you each feel about your own sexuality for yourself, but you'll have to work together on how to support each other.
     
  • You might tell her that you have been looking on line to learn more about couples where the partners have different needs for/interests in/preferences about/desires for sex (try to match the language that she uses if you can).  You can tell her that other couples have found it challenging but also have found strategies to have fulfilling relationships, and you could ask her whether she's interested in learning more about that, too.  
     
  • ...  This next piece of advice is one I'm afraid I might get some pushback for, but I'm going to give it anyway because it would have been important for me if I were your wife.  I'd recommend against using the word "asexual" in your first conversation.  You can TOTALLY say that you've learned that there is a sexual identity of people who do not ever experience sexual attraction, that it seems like about 1% of people identify that way.  You might even say something like  "they call themselves the Ace community."  It's just that, the word "asexual" carries a lot of baggage, a lot of biology implications, can feel negatively charged to people who aren't used to using it in this way. 
    [I  have a close friend who mentioned asexuality to me when we were in our mid-20s and I Shut Him Down because I was so offended by the word.  In my head, I thought, "all of my parts work, I am fine, I do not want you to associate me with that word."  He wasn't even talking about me, really, in that conversation.  I was just afraid that he might be implying something about me that I didn't want him to, because I didn't understand then that aceness was about attraction rather than about having something pathologically wrong.]  So, based on my experience, it might be easier for your wife to confront the concept without the baggage of the word right at first.  

 

The other thought I have isn't about how to have this conversation, or at least not directly.

I wonder whether, instead of "initiating sex," you've ever tried planning ahead with her?  That could look like, "Tomorrow night, after we [wash the dishes/watch our TV show/finish the crossword puzzle/whatever] would you like to have sex?"  or even, "Hey, I was thinking that we didn't have anything planned next Sunday afternoon. How would you feel about having sex then?"
Something I've read a lot here and in related discussions (and personally empathize with) is that being able to plan ahead can make it much easier to think about what one really wants, because you don't feel like you have to respond right in the moment.

If she agrees, then, great! Maybe she will feel better about that kind of plan-ahead system?  (Though, of course, remember that even if she agrees when you suggest it, both of you still have complete autonomy to opt out at any point; you aren't locked in to plans for next week just because you agree today.) 
Whatever she says, whether she is actively interested or whether she seems hesitant or if she says she is not interested, then either way it can be an opportunity for you to start this conversation.
Because you opened the conversation by talking about sex tomorrow or next week, she'll know that you are not pressuring her to have sex right now, which may take the pressure off her and let her feel like she can talk more openly.

 

 

This sounds like it could be a scary conversation for you because you do not know what she is going to say, but as many others have said, it's clear that you want what's best both for your wife and for your relationship.

It's important for both of you to remember that even though you are different, both of your ways of being are ok!  Neither is broken, neither is wrong, neither is designed to hurt the other. They're just different.

 

Good luck!  

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TurnedTurtle

Your story sounds a lot like mine, ~20-25 years ago. It's taken us that long to recognize the reality of asexuality and how it applies to our situation. Of course, sites like this one didn't exist back then (or if they did, were not easy to find). Here are some thoughts:

 

- I think many asexual people don't realize that they are actually asexual --  they may just think they have a low sex drive (as opposed to zero), and mistake romantic feelings for sexual feelings. If your wife is in her late 20's/early 30's and has not had a lot of sexual experience prior to your marriage, her initiations may be attempts to try to figure this out for herself.

 

- my wife used to keep track of her menstrual cycle on the family calendar with little symbols. When I figured that out, I tried to use that information so as to time my initiations to take advantage of it. If I got it right, and the the moon was in the right phase, and the day had gone well, and who knows what other factor was at play, I might be lucky to get lucky...

 

- consent is paramount. I learned to recognize a little toe tap from my wife as a signal that it might be Ok for me to continue; otherwise she would just freeze, and I would give up, and roll over feeling rejected and dejected....

 

- she absolutely refused to talk about it.  I wanted to read and discuss books like "The Sex-Starved Marriage" together, but that was a non-starter (and now, years later I can't find my copy of that book ... maybe she threw it out). I suspect that her refusal maybe  stems from her recognition that this is just the way that she is, there is nothing she can do to change it, that she may have felt inadequate herself, and that  talking wouldn't have made a difference (from her perspective). She didn't have the concept of asexuality to identify with then, and still isn't looking for a label -- she knows who she is; the label though has been helpful for me in understanding her.

 

- I know about wanting to bring pleasure to my partner through sex, isn't that the whole point? But my wfe has very little sensation "down there, " and after an episode of sex that I thought was great, I would ask her if it was good for her too and she would just shrug her shoulders. Talk about deflation for a guy! Unfortunately, in a situation like this, we just can't know if it us who is bad in bed.

 

- therapists -- I am lucky that the one I started seeing to help me cope with my wife's infidelity (an asymmetric emotional affair with her boss, but that's a different story) has had some professional training around asexuality (as well as other non-normative sexual orientations) and mixed-orientation marriages. If you do decide to seek individual counseling, or especially if you want your wife to go with you to marriage counseling, you would want to make sure that you find someone who has appropriate training/experience/background. You especially don't want to put your wife in a situation where the counselor is trying to "fix" her -- because she's not broken!

 

- sex is ultimately about procreation, making babies of course, but  also in building and maintaining the bond between parents that helps in successfully raising those babies to adults. We know that womens' sex drive generally diminishes significantly when their ovaries run out of eggs, but I suspect  that the same thing can happen if a couple simply makes the decision that they are done having children, or when the children have been successfully launched into adulthood.  Really the only time my wife had much of an active interest in sex was when we were trying to get pregnant. We were relatively old and our son was pretty perfect, so we decided to stop with the one....

 

OK,  this seems all pretty random, but I hope you might find some useful nuggets, or at least that the knowledge that you are not  alone helps.

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I've been married to a near asexual woman for 35 years now, dated 10 before that.  It took a long long time to recognize what was going on, and she still isn't aware - she thinks women in general just have sex to please men. 

 

Its not a good situation (and decades don't make it better) and I would not wish that part of my life on anyone.  Sexual compatibility is essential for a happy relationship. Everything else can be perfect, but if there is a deep incompatibility in that area one or both of you will spend your lives with this cloud hanging over you. Sexuality seems pretty unchanging in people.

 

Talk to her - but be aware that if you love each other, for either of you to be happy, BOTH of you need to be happy.  That can't happen if one of you is constantly feeling rejected and unloved, and the other pressured and like a sex object. 

 

Maybe an open marriage would work - but for most couples it doesn't.  

 

I know 10 years seems like a long time for a relationship, but I'm looking back at over 40.  At some point you really cannot end it. 

 

Its not that my life and marriage are terrible - mostly they are great, but there is this cloud over everything that can never go away. Despite what she says, I know each sunday she goes to bed with me because she feels she should - while at the same time even in that she is so limited in what she wants that I feel frustrated.  I will never feel desired - by my wife anyway. 

 

That is the other thing - some day  you will run into someone who does desire you and you will discover that there is no good solution to that situation. 

 

Sorry to be negative. 

 

 

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I think I can applaud you for clearly putting in a lot of thoughts about this and trying to be supportive of your partner at the same time. This might just be my "ace-ness", but I guess the part that is confusing to me is that you say that the important thing for you during sex is 95% for her pleasure. You are also getting feedbacks that she simply doesn't seem to get much pleasure from sex, in general. So I guess something for you two to communicate is what does make her feel good then, if you're all 95% for making her feel great? The rest of your post is mostly about how you understandably feel really down about it as somebody who isn't asexual. You most certainly value your own pleasure and such more than 5%, because you're feeling inadequate due to this whole situation. I just want to make sure I'm understanding this correctly and that you're also being honest about that 95/5 split. Either way, you two should really talk about this with open minds because I don't think an ace person is going to suddenly develop pleasure from sex just because you told her.

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Traveler40
7 hours ago, stuff said:

I think I can applaud you for clearly putting in a lot of thoughts about this and trying to be supportive of your partner at the same time. This might just be my "ace-ness", but I guess the part that is confusing to me is that you say that the important thing for you during sex is 95% for her pleasure. You are also getting feedbacks that she simply doesn't seem to get much pleasure from sex, in general. So I guess something for you two to communicate is what does make her feel good then, if you're all 95% for making her feel great? The rest of your post is mostly about how you understandably feel really down about it as somebody who isn't asexual. You most certainly value your own pleasure and such more than 5%, because you're feeling inadequate due to this whole situation. I just want to make sure I'm understanding this correctly and that you're also being honest about that 95/5 split. Either way, you two should really talk about this with open minds because I don't think an ace person is going to suddenly develop pleasure from sex just because you told her.

I find this invalidating which isn’t typically something one sees here in SPFA or on AVEN in general. Understanding the OP’s experience as a sexual myself, it makes sense that his reality be 95/5. The OP need not defend their viewpoint on this.
 

There are major connections we get from sex that are wrapped up in sharing and giving both ourselves and our love through the act. The split 95/5 should not be questioned. Desire, sharing pleasure and expression of love are part of the experience.
 

Why question that balance and experience as stated by the OP?

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TurnedTurtle

I wonder if some ace people, who don't experience pleasure from sex themselves, only see sexual people as into it for the pleasure they (the sexual people) get themselves? 

 

I remember a conversation with my wife when she said something like "you never expressed love for me," and I replied "I tried over and over, but you would just freeze me out."  For her, I think it was an epiphany: "Ohhhhh, physically...."  --   "Well, yeah!?!?" said I.

 

 

 

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WafflesAgain

Hello again everyone,

 

It's been a day or two and I'm circling back to this post to catch up with actual replies here. I've been reading this through the weekend and it really helped me to feel better after what was a really rough Saturday. Thanks for the replies. Compliments and brutal honesty is appreciated. I have a lot to learn yet, but I feel like this is a good first step.

 

Some specific replies to specific people here:

@Faleeria - "Maybe even showing her this post might be an idea? I don't know how comfortable you are with said thought, however, your words here display so many emotions that would be important for her to know/understand in this context so it might help if you don't exactly know how to approach this conversation. For me personally, honesty usually is my key resource when addressing certain topics.

 

Another thing I'd like to say to you is that I hope you won't undermine your feelings in all of this. You're pretty self-depricating so I can image how likely you will be to somehow ignore your own feelings while trying to find a solution that you think your wife might be alright with. Again, I genuinely respect how much you think of your loved one, yet you should never forget about yourself. There's nothing wrong with having a strong sex drive. You're completely fine the way you are and I hope you'll eventually see that. I don't think this necessarily would destroy a romantic relationship. On a different note, I think it's amazing that you're considering therapy - I hope it can help you to start loving yourself more."

 

I doubt I would be able to bring myself to show her this post. I'm trying to hide this right now because it feels so selfish to me, like a child who wants ice cream or something. 

 

I also appreciate you thinking about me in this. Writing a post on a new forum at 2am is not a sign of a good emotional position, and I really have struggled with self-worth in the past. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

 

 

@DemonicSister - "The topic is not easy, be open minded, don't think of it as awkward because then it will turn awkward and take it step by step."

- This is the part I'm struggling with most of all, as you can see by my response an inch above this sentence. We don't talk about sex, we just do it on the rare occasion that it happens.

 

 

@Serran - "Just talk to her. "I am feeling a bit worried that our mismatching libido could be causing issues between us. Can we discuss this and find a solution that works for both of us?" And reassure her you don't want to pressure. Discuss what she would prefer as far as gaining consent from initiation - verbal, non-verbal, etc. Maybe she doesn't mind non-verbal. Maybe she would rather you ask first. Can't know til you talk. "

- This might line up the most with what I will do going forward. We are very non-verbal right now, but she will say no and things like that that need to be clear.

 

 

@theaxman - "That aside, communication is very important.  I don't know your wife, and I don't know exactly how comfortable she is with the topic of sex.  But I do think that setting aside some time where you both won't have any distractions and making it clear that it is a dialogue, and not just a one-sided complaint will help.  Focus on expressing how you feel without being accusatory towards her, and then tell her that you want to know how she feels so that you can make things more comfortable for both of you. "

 - I think this is a good point. I don't expect the conversation to be super fun, as we will both be a little bit uncomfortable. So I'm going to arrange to make it clear that I just want things to be better for us. I don't want to be aggressive in my initiation attempts, as that has got to be annoying, but I also want her to know how I feel. The first step on this will be tough, but I think it will be for the best.

 

 

@sirenian - "[Too Much To Quote Here]"

 - Each point of your post is really helping me. I hope that your experiences can help us navigate what we have going on. "Whatever she says, thank her for telling you, and tell her it's important to you to know how she feels." - I am not a vocal or emotional person in a lot of ways, so this single sentence might be the best help for me. I struggle with empathy and things like that, so I'm going to do my best to remember this. It really is important to me how she feels or what she wants, I'm just not the type to say that out loud.

(apologies on if I say something that is crass or disrespectful here. I'm still learning, but I want to show my view on this as someone very new to the concept)- I respect your point about the term asexual. I don't know enough about this right now, but my wife fits the bill for some of these things. Ultimately, the word is just a word, but for someone like me who is seeing new terms and trying to learn, it still brings a connotation with that that tends toward the extreme end of things. My wife is not completely asexual, as I said she initiates sometimes, but her libito is much lesser than mine and that is the disconnect. I personally don't want to label her as asexual for her. I think that is for her to discover about herself. All I care about is how she feels and how I can help her and us.

- I really don't know about scheduling sex, at least not without some sort of conversation about the matter upfront. This circles back to me feeling like I want something more from her, when really I want something better for both of us. After I have this discussion with her, this might work for her, as I've had a part of me that was also frustrated that she wouldn't have impulsive sex with me, only when it fit with the schedule like on Friday/Saturday nights when we could sleep in or whatever.

 

 

@TurnedTurtle - "[A couple good points]"

- I had thought about trying to find out in her schedule what worked best for her. Ultimately, I want to be respectful of her, and I've kind of extended that to her privacy on things. I don't know about deliberately tracking her menstrual cycles in detail, but I do try to keep that in mind on things. I keep a fuzzy level of track of this, but not a day-by-day thing.

- I'm pretty sure I'm definitely going to see a therapist here soon. I don't know that we need one for our marriage, but that's something I might offer in discussion. Honestly I think this conversation will cover some of that, and if I can work hard enough to learn and understand the situation, I hope I can become better about my urges and behaviors. Ultimately, it is my self-deprication and self-loathing that spikes when I'm frustrated that is most worrisome. When I wrote the initial post I didn't want to do anything and really all I had to do was go to sleep. It was rough.

 

 

@uhtred "Talk to her - but be aware that if you love each other, for either of you to be happy, BOTH of you need to be happy.  That can't happen if one of you is constantly feeling rejected and unloved, and the other pressured and like a sex object. "

- This is the root of me coming here. I feel worthless when she rejects me, and she probably feels pressured and reduced to a sex object when I'm trying too hard to initiate. I want to avoid that. I'm trying to remember that when I feel upset that she rejected me, she probably feels upset that I would try so hard or that I would use her in that way. That's not my goal, but I love her and I'm honestly not great at showing it with what I say, so I work toward that with some of what I do.

 

 

@stuff - " I just want to make sure I'm understanding this correctly and that you're also being honest about that 95/5 split. Either way, you two should really talk about this with open minds because I don't think an ace person is going to suddenly develop pleasure from sex just because you told her."

- I'll try to be a bit more clear here. This might be because of where you are coming from, and honestly where I'm coming from might be different for various other sexual people. There is a risk in all of this that she just doesn't like sex period, and I understand that. Part of me hopes that that isn't the case, but I want to be open and supportive because I love her. If sex for me was just about my orgasm, I wouldn't be as bothered here as I can handle that part on my own. For me, I get a lot of pleasure out of giving someone pleasure, I don't think that is too uncommon to say, but I wanted to be clear about it. Masturbation isn't anywhere near the same, and similarly I wouldn't be as interested in her just stimulating me and not wanting reciprocation. Maybe the 95/5 divide is weird, but sex isn't just a physical pleasure, and I want to share that with her. I hope she enjoys it at least somewhat like I do.

- This (along with other reasons) is why I am working to avoid the Open Marriage approach. At some point, me going off to have sex with someone else would be like masturbation at some point. If I don't have the emotional feelings for the person, the value is reduced and closer to meaningless (for me [on all of this tbh]). Therefore, if we had an open marriage I would worry about developing deeper emotional feelings for whoever the other person is in order to make the sex more meaningful and that would be bad for my relationship with my wife.

- I will discuss this with her though, as I ultimately don't like the idea of her doing something just because she should or whatever. This is hard to think about for me, but a lot of this is hard to think about. I appreciate your perspective on this, as I haven't talked about this with my wife, so I don't know where she falls on it. So thinking about this is a good exercise for me. I don't personally know someone who is asexual, so I really value your perspective. My brain doesn't work that way, so seeing things said from that perspective is really eye-opening.

 

 

 

To everyone:

I'm pretty much firm on having this conversation with her. I've had feelings that she has wished I was less aggressive on my initiations for a few years now, and I've bounced between super satisfied with her to depressed with how she doesn't seem interested for a while now too. I think that there is some frustration on both ends, but we are happy together and have been together for a long time. I want her to be happier and more comfortable, and talking about it really is going to be the only way to address it.

 

Right now my best way to not make advances on her is to roll away from her in bed, and that starts to feel like I'm mad at her or something. Sometimes I am (but also a bit mad at myself), but most of the time its me just trying to not force my urges onto her, so I have to distance myself. I think having a schedule/scheduled time would be weird, but it might be for the best to try to address this. I like the passion and impulse that can lead to sex, but we can still have that while scheduling as well. I just might have to have her communicate that to me so that I'm not hoping for or expecting surprise situations like that.

 

 

Thank you so much everyone. I will be checking back often, and I will provide an update when we have one. I mainly want everyone to know how much this means to me. There is a tinge more hope in me right now, a hope that I can be a better person and that we can both be happier. 

 

I have a lot to learn about a lot of things (far outside this topic as well), but I appreciate you taking the time to lend advice, feedback, and perspective to the things I'm going through.

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WafflesAgain
31 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

I find this invalidating which isn’t typically something one sees here in SPFA or on AVEN in general. Understanding the OP’s experience as a sexual myself, it makes sense that his reality be 95/5. The OP need not defend their viewpoint on this.
 

There are major connections we get from sex that are wrapped up in sharing and giving both ourselves and our love through the act. The split 95/5 should not be questioned. Desire, sharing pleasure and expression of love are part of the experience.
 

Why question that balance and experience as stated by the OP?

 

4 minutes ago, TurnedTurtle said:

I wonder if some ace people, who don't experience pleasure from sex themselves, only see sexual people as into it for the pleasure they (the sexual people) get themselves? 

 

I remember a conversation with my wife when she said something like "you never expressed love for me," and I replied "I tried over and over, but you would just freeze me out."  For her, I think it was an epiphany: "Ohhhhh, physically...."  --   "Well, yeah!?!?" said I.

 

 

 

 

I answered this back above, but I want to mention these two as it took me an hour to answer everything and these just came in.

 

I don't mind being questioned on my 95/5 split here, as the other user obviously has a different perspective than I do and it helps to talk it out a bit. If I for some reason could not get hard for sex, I would, as a sexual person, still find great pleasure in manual or oral stimulation for my wife. This is what led to my 95/5 split. I would happily just give her oral without reciprocation quite often. Sure I might like the reciprocation, but I would get a lot of value out of her being pleasured by me. I don't think that she wants that, but I would happily do that, as my sex drive really supports that. Honestly this might be part of the discussion I have with her or part of a later discussion. We don't talk about what we do in bed, but I bet she knows I enjoy giving her oral because if I didn't I wouldn't do that as much.

 

TurnedTurtle has a good point too (perhaps?). I can't speak from that end (the Ace perspective), but to this point a lot of this could be considered like a more passionate way of showing my love for someone. I will work for hours to cook a nice meal for my wife, since I know that she likes that. It is in that vein if the analogy can help someone without the sexual desires to understand. I'm trying to get better at showing my wife I love her through things like cards and notes, but I do a decent job through cooking a nice meal. Similarly I hope that she knows I love her because of how we make love.

 

 

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Traveler40
6 minutes ago, WafflesAgain said:

don't mind being questioned on my 95/5 split here,

Sure, there’s also a rule around here of not doing this sort of thing. I rarely see it in SPFA, but given it was so blatant, I spoke out against it.

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WafflesAgain

  

12 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Sure, there’s also a rule around here of not doing this sort of thing. I rarely see it in SPFA, but given it was so blatant, I spoke out against it.

 

Fair enough. I am new and not as great on the rules, so I appreciate it. I don't want this derailed for what it is worth.

 

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Mountain House
2 hours ago, WafflesAgain said:

I'm pretty much firm on having this conversation with her.

I'm in your corner.  Of course you really don't have a choice.  You won't understand each other until you communicate.

 

2 hours ago, WafflesAgain said:

really I want something better for both of us.

I really like this perspective.  Once my wife and I understood what sex is to each other we eschewed the idea of seeking compromise because that felt like seeking least worst situation for ourselves and instead started a process of uncovering how we bond, interact, and use sex in our relationship to find our authentic selves and thus our authentic relationship.  So, basically what you've said there.

 

2 hours ago, WafflesAgain said:

I am working to avoid the Open Marriage approach. At some point, ... and that would be bad for my relationship with my wife.

You know you.  You know your relationship.  I am not anti-monogamy and I am not non-monogamy elitist.  My concern is that you've come to these conclusions out of fear and not from research and introspection.  For example, "would be bad for my relationship with my wife" - there are asexual people on this board in polyamorous marriages that will tell you that opening their marriage has strengthened and improved their relationship with their spouse.  If you knew this about relationships in general but still believe that it wouldn't work that way for you then awesome, you know you.

 

Anyway, your story is sooooo much like mine I teared up reading it.  I too sat at my computer in the dark of night spinning.  You are grieving.  Grieve.

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anisotrophic

It’s definitely a love language; there’s other motivations for sex, but for many many sexual the “love” aspect is most profound.

 

Here’s a couple thoughts, @WafflesAgain...

 

1. When I first started pushing myself to have sex after the “aha” of “my husband isn’t very interested in sex”, it meant a lot of vulnerability for me — knowing I had much more desire than him. I think it still does, maybe less now that I’ve masculinized a bit, but I’ve found asking/receiving to be another way to feel “loved”. Giving might be a major motivation for you, but that might be even more true for a partner that has little intrinsic desire.

 

2. I think it’s helpful to not dwell on the term “asexuality” because it boxes people into a certain framing — when this orientation can encompass many experiences — the big aha that helps is that some people may genuinely have little or no interest in sex and might not be able to experience it nearly as positively or intensely. (Possibly to the point of having no gender preference, cf my husband ... well, that part worked well for me... 😂) Another framework to consider is “responsive desire”, to recognize that some people really won’t/can’t get interested in sex on their own & initiate it.

 

3. I think you’re right to be wary of “open” — it’s important to work on the relationship first. Even if you do it, there’s no need to rush to it. And rushing to it very often contributes to failures. Based on your sexuality, I suspect you’d “want” the potential for “poly” — for sex to be part of an emotional connection — and yet might understandably have very little interest in exploring that when you love your partner. For me, my motivation in exploring “dating” has been to remove any guilt or stress he might feel; that said, the farthest I’ve gotten is some text conversations, so I haven’t been very serious about it. (This only after a couple years of discussing it as a possibility.)

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OP, you've mentioned a number of times wanting to make the experience of sex good for both of you.  The one thing I'd caution you to remember is that for people who don't want sex (I'm not talking about asexuals here, because it's your wife's decision as to whether she is asexual), they don't really consider sex to be enjoyable.  So it's not a matter of bringing them along with you to achieve a goal of mutual enjoyment of an experience.  They may indeed have sex to please their partner (I did for many decades), but as for it being something they actually want for themselves -- nope.  Your wife may not fit that picture exactly -- we don't know her, and it sounds like you're not sure how she feels.  But it's good to keep in mind that any compromise you may reach is just that, a compromise, not a happy place for both of you.  

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WafflesAgain
1 hour ago, Sally said:

OP, you've mentioned a number of times wanting to make the experience of sex good for both of you.  The one thing I'd caution you to remember is that for people who don't want sex (I'm not talking about asexuals here, because it's your wife's decision as to whether she is asexual), they don't really consider sex to be enjoyable.  So it's not a matter of bringing them along with you to achieve a goal of mutual enjoyment of an experience.  They may indeed have sex to please their partner (I did for many decades), but as for it being something they actually want for themselves -- nope.  Your wife may not fit that picture exactly -- we don't know her, and it sounds like you're not sure how she feels.  But it's good to keep in mind that any compromise you may reach is just that, a compromise, not a happy place for both of you.  

Yeah, I'm going to see what she thinks on this. Without discussing yet I'm not sure exactly where she is coming from. I only have what I think she feels, but we haven't communicated this verbally. Its worth being sure that this is a possibility for sure. I will have to navigate this discussion sensitively when I have it with her. 

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6 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I find this invalidating which isn’t typically something one sees here in SPFA or on AVEN in general. Understanding the OP’s experience as a sexual myself, it makes sense that his reality be 95/5. The OP need not defend their viewpoint on this.
 

There are major connections we get from sex that are wrapped up in sharing and giving both ourselves and our love through the act. The split 95/5 should not be questioned. Desire, sharing pleasure and expression of love are part of the experience.
 

Why question that balance and experience as stated by the OP?

I absolutely understand what I have said may come off rather aggressively. That is certainly not what I meant to say and I'm sorry it felt invalidating. Funnily enough, @Sallyin the post above me said what I wanted to say better. Which is that basically to think about what the partner actually derive pleasure and happiness from. It may not be from sex, unfortunately, which I can understand is very frustrating for OP. So the partners must communicate with each others about this and see if they can come to a compromise.

 

5 hours ago, WafflesAgain said:

@stuff - " I just want to make sure I'm understanding this correctly and that you're also being honest about that 95/5 split. Either way, you two should really talk about this with open minds because I don't think an ace person is going to suddenly develop pleasure from sex just because you told her."

- I'll try to be a bit more clear here. This might be because of where you are coming from, and honestly where I'm coming from might be different for various other sexual people. There is a risk in all of this that she just doesn't like sex period, and I understand that. Part of me hopes that that isn't the case, but I want to be open and supportive because I love her. If sex for me was just about my orgasm, I wouldn't be as bothered here as I can handle that part on my own. For me, I get a lot of pleasure out of giving someone pleasure, I don't think that is too uncommon to say, but I wanted to be clear about it. Masturbation isn't anywhere near the same, and similarly I wouldn't be as interested in her just stimulating me and not wanting reciprocation. Maybe the 95/5 divide is weird, but sex isn't just a physical pleasure, and I want to share that with her. I hope she enjoys it at least somewhat like I do.

- This (along with other reasons) is why I am working to avoid the Open Marriage approach. At some point, me going off to have sex with someone else would be like masturbation at some point. If I don't have the emotional feelings for the person, the value is reduced and closer to meaningless (for me [on all of this tbh]). Therefore, if we had an open marriage I would worry about developing deeper emotional feelings for whoever the other person is in order to make the sex more meaningful and that would be bad for my relationship with my wife.

- I will discuss this with her though, as I ultimately don't like the idea of her doing something just because she should or whatever. This is hard to think about for me, but a lot of this is hard to think about. I appreciate your perspective on this, as I haven't talked about this with my wife, so I don't know where she falls on it. So thinking about this is a good exercise for me. I don't personally know someone who is asexual, so I really value your perspective. My brain doesn't work that way, so seeing things said from that perspective is really eye-opening.

Hey I really appreciate you responding back like this. You are painting a better picture for me and others here to understand your thought process and that is appreciated.  If what I posted before was invalidating to you, I apologize as that's not what I meant. I can be very direct in just wanting to understand something if I am confused over aspects of it. I hope you are able to talk about this whole topic with your partner with open minds. There seems to be a lot of thinking done in your part based on experiences but nothing confirmed directly by your partner. I would like to believe that both of you are starting from a point of good intentions, meaning, you never intended to hurt each others. So I hope you don't feel down things because you feel you are ugly or not desirable... etc because I doubt that is even a thought that entered her mind. When you have your discussion with her though, this is something I want to caution first. If say, I am your wife who is an ace, what would probably hurt me the most is to think that you're just "settling for me" due to this incompatibility. I completely understand that for sexual people, sex is important and that is quite natural. "Settling" would be that you are fearful of your future for being alone so you stay with her and develop resentment. So it's good to work on compromises, which is hopefully something you both can do for each others due to your affection. Try not to make each others feel like they're just "settling for the other".

 

1 hour ago, Sally said:

OP, you've mentioned a number of times wanting to make the experience of sex good for both of you.  The one thing I'd caution you to remember is that for people who don't want sex (I'm not talking about asexuals here, because it's your wife's decision as to whether she is asexual), they don't really consider sex to be enjoyable.  So it's not a matter of bringing them along with you to achieve a goal of mutual enjoyment of an experience.  They may indeed have sex to please their partner (I did for many decades), but as for it being something they actually want for themselves -- nope.  Your wife may not fit that picture exactly -- we don't know her, and it sounds like you're not sure how she feels.  But it's good to keep in mind that any compromise you may reach is just that, a compromise, not a happy place for both of you.  

I just wanted to say this is exactly what I wanted to say but much better :)

 

I just want to also bring to your attention about the "love language", which there seems to be 5 main category. I think it's worth considering what are the languages your partner is speaking to you as well. It may not match your own love language exactly, but it's good to be aware of this: https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/communication/your-love-language-how-you-express-affection

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Whomadewho

@WafflesAgainYour story is a carbon copy of mine,  years together before I found Aven and then everthing made sense. I'm not married though, as I just knew from the start that something wasn't right, but I got myself emotionally invested, so her so here I am. 

 

It all depends what you want from your sexlife! If you do reach compromise, Is it enough to just have a regular sexlife for you to be happy?

That feeling of being desired is will never be there, is it something you can live with?

I, like you, enjoy seeing my partners enjoyment more than my enjoyment and In my case now, for the last couple of years  we are back having regular action again, but that desire is not there, it seems it is just a chore to get done, which can kind of get you down, but I can not fault my partner for effort, she knows now that I need healthy sexlife to be happy. Is this enough for me I'm still not sure.

 

 

 

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WafflesAgain

@stuff - A appreciate the follow up. "So I hope you don't feel down things because you feel you are ugly or not desirable... etc because I doubt that is even a thought that entered her mind." 

- This is likely the truth, which is part of why I came here for advice before discussing this with her. Me feeling ugly or undesirable I believe is more of a symptom of the lens through which I view the world conflicting with hers. With my sex drive, it would be extremely rare for me to not want sex if she initiated, and therefore I am struggling with the empathy to see this from her view where that isn't correlated. I would likely have to not be attracted to someone to not want to have sex with them, so that is where my brain goes first, even though it is likely far from the truth. 

- A good point on settling too. And that leads to this one:

 

1 hour ago, Whomadewho said:

@WafflesAgainYour story is a carbon copy of mine,  years together before I found Aven and then everthing made sense. I'm not married though, as I just knew from the start that something wasn't right, but I got myself emotionally invested, so her so here I am. 

 

It all depends what you want from your sexlife! If you do reach compromise, Is it enough to just have a regular sexlife for you to be happy?

That feeling of being desired is will never be there, is it something you can live with?

I, like you, enjoy seeing my partners enjoyment more than my enjoyment and In my case now, for the last couple of years  we are back having regular action again, but that desire is not there, it seems it is just a chore to get done, which can kind of get you down, but I can not fault my partner for effort, she knows now that I need healthy sexlife to be happy. Is this enough for me I'm still not sure.

 

 

 

 

These are the tough questions. Thanks for bringing them to me. Honestly. I think the discussion with my wife would really determine how this goes. The more I've thought about it, the more the somewhat scheduled approach might be best for us. My main concern is that I'm too much when my urges get the best of me. If I could dial back my urges or just better decide to myself that "tonight is not the night" I might be better able to be with her and be romantic and loving without having this part of my brain saying that I hope we have sex.

     Many people have said a lot about my sex drive being more of a need than a want, and I can feel that. It is still a bit tough for me to really stick to that logic though, as it feels selfish or childish yet. Maybe my discussion with her will help on this, but someone less understanding than the people here might say that I'm just some guy who is upset that he isn't getting as much sex as he wants. I would be perfectly happy with more sex, but that's pretty obvious.

 

What I really want out of this is to not constantly pressure my wife for sex (which I do too much now). It would also be nice to see what she would want. I also think that some regularity or a feeling of regularity would be helpful for me and my emotional health. The sexual frustration situation is pretty significant sometimes, and it can make me depressed or it can make me act out. 

 

I know that communication is key in these things, but I'm trying to get my head right before I go into this. I do feel that we need to be able to talk about this when needed, and having a thing we don't talk about at all worries me more than a potentially awkward conversation. 

 

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WafflesAgain

The other thing I'm realizing now is that I've thought about this a lot, and my wife hasn't at all. She might have thought of some of these things, but I'm really going to be putting her on the spot when we talk about things. I'm not really looking for input on this, but I'm putting this thought here before it passes. I'm in my head thinking of how things could be, but I'm painting these pictures without her even though she is in them. 

 

I'm trying to temper some expectations and envision everything I can. I have a guess as to what my wife would feel and say, but we haven't talked about this. I may learn a lot about her here, and I'm trying to get in that mindset.

 

I've thanked everyone who has provided input here already, but thanks again. A lot to think about, and a lot to discuss and do.

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Mountain House
4 minutes ago, WafflesAgain said:

I have a guess as to what my wife would feel and say

This is mind-readering.  It doesn't work.  Stop doing it.

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4 hours ago, WafflesAgain said:

@stuff - A appreciate the follow up. "So I hope you don't feel down things because you feel you are ugly or not desirable... etc because I doubt that is even a thought that entered her mind." 

- This is likely the truth, which is part of why I came here for advice before discussing this with her. Me feeling ugly or undesirable I believe is more of a symptom of the lens through which I view the world conflicting with hers. With my sex drive, it would be extremely rare for me to not want sex if she initiated, and therefore I am struggling with the empathy to see this from her view where that isn't correlated. I would likely have to not be attracted to someone to not want to have sex with them, so that is where my brain goes first, even though it is likely far from the truth. 

- A good point on settling too. And that leads to this one:

 

 

These are the tough questions. Thanks for bringing them to me. Honestly. I think the discussion with my wife would really determine how this goes. The more I've thought about it, the more the somewhat scheduled approach might be best for us. My main concern is that I'm too much when my urges get the best of me. If I could dial back my urges or just better decide to myself that "tonight is not the night" I might be better able to be with her and be romantic and loving without having this part of my brain saying that I hope we have sex.

     Many people have said a lot about my sex drive being more of a need than a want, and I can feel that. It is still a bit tough for me to really stick to that logic though, as it feels selfish or childish yet. Maybe my discussion with her will help on this, but someone less understanding than the people here might say that I'm just some guy who is upset that he isn't getting as much sex as he wants. I would be perfectly happy with more sex, but that's pretty obvious.

 

What I really want out of this is to not constantly pressure my wife for sex (which I do too much now). It would also be nice to see what she would want. I also think that some regularity or a feeling of regularity would be helpful for me and my emotional health. The sexual frustration situation is pretty significant sometimes, and it can make me depressed or it can make me act out. 

 

I know that communication is key in these things, but I'm trying to get my head right before I go into this. I do feel that we need to be able to talk about this when needed, and having a thing we don't talk about at all worries me more than a potentially awkward conversation. 

 

I think your heart is in the right place and you are doing your best. I am sorry to hear how frustrated this makes you because I think this only shows how much you do want this to work and care for her. You should have talks with her and see how you guys can work through it. I just feel like I need to caution you that if she is asextual, that likely means she just simply won't derive pleasure from sex even if you're like the greatest lover in the world. Your desire to please her and show her your affection through sex will not be returned. So talk to her and see where she is thinking so you aren't a mind reader. If she is the way you've described, don't go into the conversation hopeful that you can change her. The conversation should hopefully be more about gaining understanding between each others and help each others paint a picture of what's in each others' minds. Sharing vulnerabilities is often a great way to really bring each others closer emotionally as well in a deep level.

 

I am in this topic because I am potentially staring down this barrel myself from the other side. As somebody who is now fairly certain about being asextual, I am now trying my best to communicate this. I understand for many, they bond through sex and that's normal. So my fear is that I could make my partner feel undesired and worthless. That is the last thing I wanted but I also don't know how to use sexuality to make them feel desired. I just do what I can and know in the best of my ability to show my partner that I care. So I don't know if maybe hearing more affectionate words from her might help? It is as you've said, she probably wasn't really thinking about this. I think if you can at least understand that she does not find you undesirable, that would be a good start.

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This disturbed me a bit:  "What I really want out of this is to not constantly pressure my wife for sex (which I do too much now). It would also be nice to see what she would want. I also think that some regularity or a feeling of regularity would be helpful for me and my emotional health. The sexual frustration situation is pretty significant sometimes, and it can make me depressed or it can make me act out. "

 

Have you considered what you would do if she says/admits that she really does not want sex?  Or if she doesn't say that, but it's obvious?   Because that's entirely possible, and trying to determine just what YOU need would be best even before you talk with her.  Your emotional health is important, but hers is also, and your depression and acting out is not good for her.  

 

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12 hours ago, WafflesAgain said:

 

What I really want out of this is to not constantly pressure my wife for sex (which I do too much now). It would also be nice to see what she would want. I also think that some regularity or a feeling of regularity would be helpful for me and my emotional health. The sexual frustration situation is pretty significant sometimes, and it can make me depressed or it can make me act out. 

 

I know that communication is key in these things, but I'm trying to get my head right before I go into this. I do feel that we need to be able to talk about this when needed, and having a thing we don't talk about at all worries me more than a potentially awkward conversation. 

 

Just a note - You being depressed or acting out due to no sex can be one of those things that actually reduces her sex drive if she's anything like I am with it. The more my partner is upset at lack of sex, the less I want to do it because it feels like an obligation and less like a thing I want to do. Which.. I'm not ace and I desire my partner quite a lot (more so when I'm not stressed at work) but, obligation sex isn't sexy. 

 

So, if she does say she still wants sex, then maybe reframing a bit around it could help increase the connection.  Find ways together that could make her more comfortable and thus you less frustrated, if maybe you know it will come eventually. Figure out if she knows what does spark that interest. 

 

Of course, if she has no interest... then can't work with nothing and you may have to consider if this is viable for you. It sounds like it is taking a toll on you and your relationship. I do caution you that resentment around sex can lead to some toxic relationship elements, even from people who wouldn't imagine it happening in their own. So, it isnt healthy to let it fester. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, just that you may be incompatible if she has no interest in sex and denying that incompatibility could lead to some bad behaviors on both ends eventually.

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TurnedTurtle

I agree wholeheartedly with stuff, Sally, and Serran -- no mind-reading, you need to understand where she is at, and prepare yourself for the possibility that she is indeed asexual, has no interest in sex, and gets no pleasure from it herself, and would really prefer not to have it all (this is really hard for us sexual people to grasp, but necessary to truly understand if a relationship with such a person is to continue in any way).   Good  Luck!

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WafflesAgain

To the last 4 posts - You are all very right. I'm trying to frame this in my mind, but its really hard.

 

I know that my moods get bad when I feel like I've been rejected, so I'm hoping that this discussion just lets me know what she is feeling. I'm also hoping I can teach myself better what to expect. I've operated most of my life on the assumption that others like sex in about the same way and just the frequency is different, but that isn't the case and I'm trying to better understand that point of view.

 

The issue I'm having is butting up against the unknown right now. I don't want to guess anything, as you've raised good points that I shouldn't. I'm trying to put myself in multiple places because I don't want to react badly to anything she says. I love her so much, and I want her to be happy. I don't know what that looks like for us in the future, but I like to think that it will be better than it is now.

 

I have a lot of thoughts on all of this right now, but the one that keeps coming back to me is that I just wish that my sex drive matched hers. I get that this isn't something I can choose, but it is really frustrating when logic flies out the window because I'm in the mood for sex. I might leave this as it is until after my discussion with her, because playing this what-if game alone isn't good for me when what I really need is some communication with her. 

 

TurnedTurtle is right that this is hard to grasp as a sexual person, but I want to be as open as I can to the possibilities. It's been easy to imagine our discussion making things better for both of us, but maybe it will shine a light on an issue that we just haven't had the heart to talk about. That scares me.

 

I'm trying to prepare myself to anything I can so that I don't react poorly to whatever is said.

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